When those who pretend to be someone they obviously were not, annoyed Dan. Which is rather hypocritical of him to say.
He always pretends to be someone he is not, but it's not his personality that's fake, it's his gender, his body. Something very important to him.
That should not be anyone's bloody business. Not like anyone knew anyways, he was a coward. He had tried to tell someone a few times of course. Let's just say he chickened out every. Single. Time.
Dan would look in the mirror every morning; before every shower and as he got ready for the night.
Those were the times his face would twist into disgust, pure utter distaste.
Don't get him wrong, it's not like his body was by any social standard 'ugly' or 'fat'. He never cared about those things anyways.
What was wrong was that he didn't have a mother fucking sausage with the package. A. K. A. the penis and the balls, as weird as it to say so.
Only package he had was two dangly balls of pure pain. A. K. A. The boobs, the tattas, however human kind had decided to call these bags of death.
All of his inner monologue aside Dan was simply a guy, a guy with an interesting vocabulary, but a guy nonetheless.
If only everyone else knew.
You pretend and hide,
Your smiles are a charade,
You giggle,
Then you laugh and you drink the champagne,
And when your mask has cracks,
And when your mask has holes,
You cover them all up,
Mend them with care,
Because if anyone were to see inside,
They'd see a broken face.
(Song belongs to me)
•••
The halls Dan was currently walking through were the halls of rabid humanoid animals, the creatures that charmed others with their unattractive slurs and sometimes quite insulting pick-up lines.
In short Dan was in his high school hallway trying to get to the cafeteria.
As he walked he bumped into many people, few said sorry and most just acted as if nothing had happened.
It's not like he was on his period and a single movement made him feel like something just pierced him from the inside. Not at all. Why would anyone think that?
Grunting Dan wished he had stayed at home today, it would've been so much easier then this hell.
"Asshole. " Dan hissed as another wonderful person bumped his side. This person of course just walked by, because why should they be sorry that Dan is now in internal pain?
When he finally stepped into the damn cafeteria Dan felt like doing a dance of victory. Only he scratched that idea away the moment he remembered the pain inside him, the damn female body and it's cursed genitalia.
Throwing his bag onto the floor he sat next to Louise in an overdramatic huff.
She immediately turned around to face him, and the moment she recognised him she smiled widely.
Dan just grunted and Louise rolled her eyes.
"Good day to you too Danielle."
Ah yes, that cursed name.
Dan just mumbled a 'good day' back, ignoring the burdening feeling inside himself. He started to become very aware of his body, as if his own skin was taunting him.
Dan pushed it deeper inside himself, he couldn't let anyone know, not now.
"Are you okay Danielle? "
The dread rose inside him again and he felt very sick. Not literally, just generally if that made sense.
But of course he shook his head in denial quickly and faked a quick smile.
"I'm fine, just annoyed from those twats in the hallways. " The words slid off his tongue and they felt so fake that he could taste the bitterness on his tongue.
Louise eyed him sceptically, not really believing what she was hearing. Dan just rolled his eyes.
"I'm fine, honest."
If the definition of 'fine' were "I am very stressed and have anxiety cause I'm pretty sure I have gender dysphoria, oh and did I mention I want to claw these boobs off?" Then Dan is for sure fine.
Louise still seemed doubtful but sighed in defeat.
"Alright, I'll stop pestering you. But remember Ella, you're my best friend! There is not another girl like you in the world! " She cheerfully explained, her voice comforting and full of encouragement.
Dan felt another stone fall and the burden got heavier.
No girl like me, huh?
Dan sipped on his juice distractedly.
Probably because I'm not a girl.
•••
"Protection during sexual intercourse is very important. The most preferred way is a condom-" Quiet snickers ran through the classroom and the teacher shook her head in disbelief.
"Now children this is very important. You don't want to die because you had sex now do you? " She looked at the students through her glasses seriously, almost everyone swallowed nervously.
"Or become underage parents? How about a disease? " The teacher kept on going and Dan was probably the only one who realised she was trying to scare the students. With a reason too of course this was some serious shit going on here.
When the teacher was finally satisfied with the reaction she got, she simply continued with the lesson.
"Now a condom goes, as you delinquents probably knew, on the mans penis."
But what if I'm a man and have no penis? Come on teach help me out here!
Dan frustratedly thought as he slumped in his seat, he loved this teacher. She was always fair and wasn't annoying. She loved scaring students when they were annoying and she even did karaoke in the classroom once!
He could see she was trying to get reactions out of students today, oh and she was obviously enjoying it.
"When a man puts his dick in a woman's -"
The bell rang loudly and most students looked more than happy to escape today's class.
Dan was quite the opposite actually, he was dreading leaving school. Sure it's fine to stay at home during school time, but that's only because no one's home.
Now though? His mother is home and his father is coming back home in 30 minutes. About the time Dan would be home.
Which equals both parents home, equals no freedom.
Not because of stupid reasons like 'oh I can't watch TV' and similar, it was because his parents were extremely religious.
How lucky are they to have a bisexual trans son eh? Not to even think how oh just lucky he was to have them.
Sighing Dan ignored the feelings inside him, knowing that they didn't matter. Because the moment he entered that house he was just a tomboyish, but beautiful, daughter of his parents.
How fucking lovely.
I am a faker,
My skin deceives,
My eyes play the fool,
My words swindle out your doubt,
My smiles are tricksters
In the league with my thoughts,
They mislead you,
Because I want to hide.
(Song belongs to me)
•••
"So Danielle how was school? "
"Fine."
"Don't pester her Marie, you know how teenagers can be. "
"Alright, alright John. "
"I've had enough, I think I'll head to bed. "
"Goodnight Ella! "
•••
Ella this, Ella that. The name is DAN!
Dan furiously sat on his bed, he wasn't sure who he was more angry at. Himself or his parents. Both seemed probable.
Groaning he buried his head in the pillow, releasing angry noises which were not audible enough for anyone to hear.
Clutching his fists he felt his boobs rest on the bed, and oh dear God it felt so, so wrong.
He felt like clutching them, praying to some higher power just to make them disappear.
He felt tears prickling his eyes, but absolutely refused to cry. He wasn't going to. He had wasted too many nights just crying, he wasn't going to cry today.
A tear slid down his face anyways, going against everything he wanted, just like his life.
Silent tears until I fall asleep,
glide down and fall,
Shatter my life,
Fall into the pool which my tears forged,
Drown inside it,
Drown in my own hate.
(Song belongs to me)
•••
"So, who do you think looks better? Alfie or Caspar? " The enthusiastic voice asked Dan as he took a mouthful of his sandwich.
Louise had been looking for a potential valentine, seeing as logically she absolutely needed one for Valentines day.
Dan didn't like the holiday, it made him feel single, and reminded him that he'd be fooling a guy he'd be with.
Because they'd think he was a girl, and he was a guy. Which would be fooling someone and he didn't want to do that.
"Caspar, he's cuter. " Dan answered, thinking that yes Caspar is cuter.
"Oh, so you like cute boys? I finally know what kind of guy to get you Ella! " Louise happily exclaimed, obviously taking the information she got as some kind of victory.
Dan tried ignoring the name but felt a bit of his appetite fade. Instead he rolled his eyes and sighed at Louise.
"Whatever. "
"It's not 'whatever' and you know it!" Her happy voice made Dan smile a bit. Louise spotted it easily and started giggling.
Dan chuckled at Louise's antics and took another bite of his sandwich.
And when I feel sad,
You laugh and smile,
And when I feel bad,
You comfort and smile,
And when I cry,
You take me into your arms,
Tell me it's all fine,
You smile.
(Song belongs to me)
•••
Sitting in the new algebra class was real boring. The teacher was incompetent , simply wasn't skilful enough to teach a bunch of teenagers. Good thing he was only a substitute.
They were only five minutes in and Dan already felt bored. Not to mention he couldn't understand anything that was being said.
"I'm so sorry I'm late! This grandma attacked me with her bag because she thought I was going to rape her, BUT I WASN'T! And like, I missed the bus so I had to run to school and I'm not good at running. You see my P. E. grade is actually pretty bad and-" the student that literally ran into the classroom, was retelling his entire morning escapade in detail. Even adding useless information just to spice the story.
Dan was simply bewildered. He didn't know what to think, this student was a) amazing at making distractions and lies or b) actually this misfortunate and very loquacious.
To be honest looking at the feeble student he didn't seem to have a single deceiving bone in his body. The students voice seemed to be going astray, jumping to one conclusion to another.
Dan in all honesty fount it endearing.
Not that he would admit it to anyone.
"Mister Lester, quit talkin' and sit next to Miss Howell, your talkin' is giving me a headache. " The substitute teacher obviously got very annoyed, seeing as he was now shooing the guy away next to Dan. Who was just feeling a bit uncomfortable now, seeing as he got called 'Miss Howell'.
The guy just awkwardly tottered towards the seat next to Dan, who was now admiring the guys emo haircut.
I should stop calling him 'the guy', what did the teach call him? Mister Pester? Vester? Molester? No that's a horrible name. How about-
"I'm Phil. " hissed a quiet voice next to him. Dan nudged his head to the side to see 'the guy'.
Guess I know now.
"Dan. " He whispered back instinctively, but the moment he said it he realised what the fuck he actually said.
How could he be so vacuous? How?
The horror must've showed on his face because Phil looked at him with an adorable addled expression.
It only took the guy few seconds until sudden cognizance crossed his face.
He flashed Dan a smile.
A genuine, honest smile.
This guy
"Hello Dan, nice to meet you. "
Is a wonder.
The class continued.
I keep it all in,
Never let it out,
For the secrets I keep shall never abscond,
I count them every night,
Check on them in the morning,
None are ever gone,
None have managed to flee,
But than you came along
And I let them go willingly.
(Song belongs to me)
•••
During lunch Dan's gaze peered the cafeteria. He couldn't find the charming Phil anywhere. He knew he had seen him before, in the halls most probably. But they had never talked, Dan's guess was because they didn't share any classes.
Except the extra algebra that he was forced to take that is, he sucked at algebra. And now, Phil was in it too.
But he couldn't wait till the next algebra class, that was on Friday! And now it was Wednesday, that was a big time period and he was impatient.
As he aggressively bit his apple he felt Louise's eyes look at his curiously. She was obviously trying to figure out what was wrong with Dan, oh well, Danielle.
Taking another frustrated bite he heard Louise clear her throat.
"What? " He asked quickly, not really caring how his tone sounded.
"Ella, is something um... Bothering you?"
She asked in quandary, obviously not knowing what to do.
"Yes, yes it is. " Dan bit the apple again.
The silence dragged awkwardly, Dan bit the apple.
"Would you care to tell me? "
As he was about to bite the apple again, he stopped.
Should he? Should he really tell her? He literally told a guy he never met that his name was Dan.A male name, even tho he has obvious boobs. What was the guy even thinking. What was he himself thinking?
He couldn't tell her the complete truth.
"I would care, yes. " He answered.
Way to be vague Daniel James Howell
Seeing Louise's raised eyebrow made Dan metaphorically raise his hands in defeat.
"Fine, there was this guy-"
"There was a guy? " she literally squealed in delight at such indefinite information.
"Shush Louise, if you want an explanation let me talk. " Dan said calmly but meaningfully.
Her childish face of impatience made him grin as he started to talk.
"So anyways you know I was put in this extra algebra class because I was doing real bad at algebra? " she nodded.
"Well anyways, it was really boring and I was almost succumbing to ennui but this guy just runs into the classroom. "
Dan over exaggerated with hand movements as he explained.
"He's all 'heavy breathing' , but no not in an attractive way at all. " Dan says as he sees Louise's suggestive eyebrows. She pouts but he ignores her quickly.
"So he starts explaining why he's late and honestly I don't know if I yet believe the excuse he gave! " His voice was full of disbelief and in a way, awe.
"He said that I granny hit him with a purse because she thought he was going to rape her and then-" Dan, continued the story Phil told everyone in class, trying to keep every detail.
Louise was quickly mesmerised by Dan's story telling and was laughing her ass off by the end of the story. Few adventuring tears escaped her eyes in pure laughter.
"That guy sounds like a funny guy indeed! " She declared enthusiastically.
I nodded in agreement, a small satisfied smile gracing my lips.
As you speak all around joy springs, And as I cry my sobs ring,
But your voice echoes through,
Your laughter gracing me,
And as you reach for me,
I thought you'd bury me,
But my judgment is false,
So I call for you through the walls,
I doubt you would hear my calls,
But the sun shines and reaches me, Your arms around me,
Like the sun your warmth finally surrounds me.
(Song belongs to me)
•••
Dan impatiently tapped onto his table and he was sure he was going to, accidentally, drive someone insane.
Waiting for this Phil Molester, or whatever his surname was. He still couldn't believe he had said his name was Dan.
Fucking Dan.
Goodness was he stupid.
He had to fix this, what if Phil told someone? What if his parents found out? This entire situation was looking worse and worse.
Groaning Dan rested his head on the classroom table, his arms lying around his head.
"Good morning Dan. "
Dan's head snapped up so quickly he wondered how his neck didn't snap.
It was motherfucking Phil Molester.
The motherfucking guy who just called him Dan.
Like it was no bloody problem.
"Good morning Molester. " Dan grumbled back.
"What? Molester? " Phil's face was scrunched into an adorable expression of confusion and slight misunderstanding.
"Um, isn't that your surname? " He questioned back with an unsure face. Dan was really ambivalent about this guy who's-surname-wasn't-Molester.
"Er, actually it's Lester. " Phil said with an still unsure face. Dan on the other hand felt embarrassed. His belief had been a fallacy.
"Sorry. " Dan apologized.
The awkward silence after that was well, for the lack of words, awkward.
As the bell rang to signal the begging of classes Dan thanked the higher powers for cutting the awkwardness.
Thankfully the class continued normally (the substitute was finally gone) but Dan couldn't help but get distracted by a certain black- haired boy. He needed to talk to the guy about ...this. Whatever it was, he couldn't just let him walk around the school with the slight chance he'll tell someone. If Dan's parents ever found out...he didn't even want to think about it.
"Alright class, since we're almost over with these lessons I want to finish it off with a partners project! " Mr. Urie said with an evil glint, as if partners were the most evil things ever. This teacher had always been a bit weird, but he liked him.
Dan was for the first time in forever very happy about the partners project, this was a perfect opportunity to approach Phil. He could easily talk to him this way without being creepy or a stalker.
"Hey Phil, um would you like to be my partner?" Dan blurted out quickly trying to get it over with. He was nervous and he felt like a school girl admitting her life long crush and was fearing denial. He definitely wasn't a school girl, he was a school boi.
Good one, I love my jokes sometimes.
Dan sat there waiting for Phil's answer, not like he was actually taking long he was just impatient, and he felt like not existing anymore because he just had non idea what to feel like.
Because this guy knew, this guy just knew it and he needed to...he needed to do something. He was just so confused.
"Of course Dan. " The answer was so honest and nice Dan felt like punching something. He couldn't explain why, but just he felt like it. Not to mention the guy said his name, not his name, his motherfucking NAME. It felt beautiful, a bit unfamiliar and just very heart warming.
"Great! " Dan said instead and sat down not sure what to do anymore.
Pronounce and mispronounce,
Say a lot,
Close and away,
Here or not
In me you stay,
You surround my thoughts
You surround every concept of me,
Is this love?
(Song belongs to me)
•••
Sorry I forgot to transfer this from the wattpad account but this a good story just the ending is a bit off but you'll see!
please leave a review and fav!