A bridge Over Troubled Water
This is my entry for the Chit chat on Author's corner Candyland Challenge. I was given the pairing JJ and Hotch and the candy Circus Peanuts (for those like me who had no idea they're marshmallows – flumps for the Brits like me- hope that helps). I apologise to all the great Hotch and JJ authors out there at my attempt at these two as I don't tend to write either. Thanks for taking the time to read my story – please let me know what you think. It's set Halloween 2011.
. . . . .
JJ flopped down on the sofa letting out a huge sigh.
"You alright?" Hotch asked passing what remained of a bowl of Circus Peanuts that he'd been picking at.
"Was it just me or was that manic?" she asked staring ahead at her mess of a lounge. Hotch couldn't help but smile.
"Kids' parties usually are, as I have learnt since Hayley died. I don't know how she did it and looked so composed I'm always a wreak at the end of Jack's parties. She was amazing; got everything organised, entertained the kids, kept everyone happy and if she was lucky I would make an appearance, and then complain about the mess afterwards. Talking of which, seeing Henry and Jack are in bed, do you want a hand?"
"Nah, I was just grateful of the team's efforts setting up. I wanted Henry's first proper Halloween party to be something special and you guys were wonderful, as always." Hotch couldn't help but notice the sadness in her voice.
Since JJ had left the BAU just over twelve months ago for her promotion to the Pentagon everyone, without exception, had made the effort to keep in touch with her. So they had all jumped at the chance to help out with the party, even Morgan who always professed his hate of Halloween (though most of the team suspect Garcia helped to persuade him for the sake of her best friend). All pitching in together they got the whole party sorted; Morgan had borrowed some recipes from his mum and baked cookies, Garcia had gone to town decorating the house, Reid had performed magic tricks, Prentiss had supplied mildly scary stories, Rossi had surprised everyone by organising the apple bobbing and Hotch had done pumpkin carving with the older kids. Everyone, Morgan included, had had a great time. No matter what they were still a family when they got together like this.
"Sure about the cleaning up? I don't mind."
"Maybe later, right now I'm more than happy to slob here with the left over sweets, a beer and a film. Care to join me? You can leave Jack here tonight; he's settled so no need to wake him to go home. You can stay too, if you like?" There was a clear hint of loneliness in her voice. She hadn't told any of the team that Will had moved out three months ago. Part of her still hoped he would come back. Yet the longer he was gone the more she realised she wanted him back for Henry's sake not hers. As if he was reading her mind Hotch said;
"Won't Will mind? Where did you say his was this weekend?"
"His Aunt is poorly so he wanted to go and see her." JJ failed to look at Hotch as she spoke; she knew he could read her well enough to know when she was lying.
"I'd love to stay and keep you company, but on one condition." Hotch said as he reached across to pinch another marshmallow from the bowl he had handed to JJ earlier. "You tell me the truth about you and Will, seeing that his poorly cousin has now turned into a poorly Aunt and every get together we have tried to have in the past few months you have turned up with some barely plausible story as to where Will is."
JJ couldn't look up at Hotch and silent tears begun to sting her eyes. She hated that he could see right through her like this. She had always been a private person. The team may be like family but even families had secrets and a right to privacy. Yet she wanted Hotch to stay, she didn't want another night alone with nothing but the TV for company. Maybe it would be good to talk to someone else who understood what it was like trying to work and bring up a child on your own. Hotch wasn't her boss anymore so maybe she should accept his hand of friendship. Slowly she nodded.
"I'll go get the beers and you see what you can find film wise on cable" JJ said throwing the controls to him as she went through to the Kitchen. Once in the kitchen she went over to the sink and looked out the window, she needed to compose herself. Looking down in to the depths of the plug hole hoping to gain some clarity JJ felt her shoulders slump and she fought not to cry. As she breathed deeply she felt a gentle touch on her shoulders, turning slowly she fell into Hotch's arms sobbing as he stroked her hair. It was then she realised that she hadn't once cried since Will had left.
. . . . .
"Feeling better?" Hotch questioned as he softly lifted JJ's chin and then wiped away a tear. She gave a single nod knowing she couldn't trust her voice to speak yet. "I'll grab the beer and we can sit down and talk. You only have to tell me what you want, I'll listen, you know I won't judge you, just listen, but I'll also understand if you'd prefer not to talk. OK?" JJ nodded again as she walked back through to the lounge. Hotch grabbed two beers from the fridge and followed taking a deep breath. This had never been his forte, sure Hayley and him could talk for hours but he'd never been good at sharing his thoughts and feelings with others. Yet somehow Hotch felt comfortable with JJ, the same sort of comfort he had shared with Hayley and right now JJ needed a friend.
JJ curled herself up in the corner of her sofa and took the beer from Hotch with a weak smile.
"So . . ." Hotch didn't want to push but wanted to be clear he was here to listen.
"Will has left us" JJ hadn't said those words to anyone. Saying it made it sound so definite. It was over. The end. Finished. "He's rented a place a few blocks away and still sees plenty of Henry, probably more than me." JJ gave a half smile. Hotch said nothing; he just took her hand in his. He wanted to let JJ talk, to get it all out, and then they could begin to build a bridge to the other side. "After I left the BAU we got to spend more time to together then we ever had before. Since before I was pregnant 'til long after Henry was born our relationship had been long distance. We lived in separate states then even living together I was always away with you guys." JJ was starting to ramble, now the dam had broken there was no stopping it. "We enjoyed the extra time together to begin with, and then silly things annoyed us. I was as bad as him. I didn't do Henry's bath right, he never put anything away. God I even forgot he had sugar in his coffee!" A new wave of tears came and he pulled JJ in for another hug, holding her tight but still saying nothing. When JJ felt more collected she carried.
"It got really bitchy, really petty, it was horrible. So I started to find excuses to be home later, which just lead to fresh arguments. In the end three months ago I suggested Will leave. I'd had it, I was so low and I couldn't fight anymore. The look on his face Hotch, he'd have been in less pain if I'd slapped him. Hotch how could I do that to anyone, let alone someone I thought I loved."
"Thought you loved?" Hotch hadn't meant to say anything but he couldn't help the surprise. JJ and Will were the BAU's very own fairy tale. Everyone knew they were in love and that their love had got them through all the hurdles that JJ's career had thrown at them. Now JJ was doubting that she'd loved him.
"I thought I did or maybe because of Henry I wanted to think I did, but to be honest now I don't know. Now Will has gone I'm starting to wonder what happened? It's all such a blur. We liked each other, we met up a few times, we were interested, and I fell pregnant and bam we're living together bringing up a kid. It was hardly the fairy tale I dreamed of as a little girl. Don't get me wrong I love Henry. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Hotch this is all such a mess." The tears reappeared; JJ enjoyed the closeness she was sharing with Hotch. She would never in a million years thought that Hotch would be this good a friend. She felt safe, secure, loved. She looked up at Hotch, her face streaked with tears. Suddenly she had an urge to kiss him, to feel his arms holding her tight, touching her. What was wrong, she'd only had one beer. This was Hotch her old boss. Mr Poker Face. But right now his face was letting her see that she wasn't the only one struggling with their feelings. As if he was reading her mind for the second time that night he lent down and kissed her. Softly, gently, a feather-light kiss. She had never been kissed like that before.
"I'm sorry" Hotch pulled away sharply. "I never meant to . . ." but before Hotch could finish JJ put her hand on his arm.
"It's OK, really it's OK." And to make the point all the more clearer she leant over and kissed Hotch. When she stopped she smiled. Her first genuine smile in months.
"Look, don't get me wrong. I . . . maybe I should take Jack home. I'll call round tomorrow and help with the clear up . . . sorry." Hotch was feeling unusually flustered.
"Please, stay. I'm sorry if I've made you uncomfortable. Sorry if I misinterpreted your kindness, I'm not the profiler after all." She wanted to make Hotch smile, relax again. "I don't regret it . . . the kiss."
"I don't regret it. I just think the timing is wrong. You and Will, it's too soon."
"Is that your way of saying it's not a no?"
"It's not a no, just a not yet. You need to clear your head, sort things out with Will. Decide how you both want to move forward. Then and only then if you want us to . . ." Hotch searched for the right word, inside his heart was racing. He had never viewed JJ as anything more than a friend but right now he wanted her. "If you want we can try and see if there is an us."
JJ knew he was speaking sense. "You going to stay the night? As friends nothing more" she was quick to add. Hotch was such a gentleman.
"Yes." The two cuddled up on the sofa both thinking not watching the random film they had picked. The both knew the bridge had not taken the path they had assumed it would yet the path ahead looked interesting. Was there a future to Hotch and JJ or should they leave things where they were? They both hoped so.