Chapter One

Alfred F. Jones. That's the name of the positively infuriating man...who am I kidding? He's a child. A loud, obnoxious, lazy child who has no regard for personal space nor others' privacy. He's immature, a total idiot, and is under the delusion that he and I are friends, hence why he won't leave me alone and takes every single insult I throw at him as a joke. Just last week, he-...I've gotten off track, haven't I? As if it matters. All that is likely along the lines of what I was going to say anyways.

Alfred infuriates me to no end. To make matters worse, we're roommates. He is in college working towards becoming a professional football player and has his life planned out perfectly. He knows exactly what he wants to do and when he wants to do it, and that only makes me hate him even more, as I haven't the foggiest idea. I'm planning on going to college next year, and hope to find out what I want to study before then, but so far, nothing at all has come to mind. So, until something does, I'm stuck working as a waitress and living in a small flat with Alfred.

Things could be worse, I suppose. Though, I've never been one to focus on the bright side...much unlike Alfred. But enough about him; I'll say a little about myself. My name is Alice Kirkland, and I'm twenty years old. I graduated from high school last year, and yes, I know that's a little later than people usually do. But that's because my parents decided to move from England to America and my education was, unfortunately, delayed by a year or two.

So, yes. I left home as soon as possible and ended up in a mediocre flat shared with the moron who goes to the college just down the street. I-

"Alfred, shut the bloody hell up! I'm trying to write!" Alice shouted, glaring over the top of her laptop at Alfred, who was dancing around the kitchen and singing at the top of his lungs along with his music, which was mostly the latest trending American pop songs.

"But it's Uptown Funk!" Alfred shouted back before continuing to sing horribly off key to the spatula he was pretending was a microphone.

"That makes it worse, you thick sod!" She groaned and closed her laptop before walking over and unplugging his phone from the speakers connected to it. "Do that when I'm not here."

"Aw, Alie, c'mon! You're no fun." Alfred said, twisting his lips into a pout.

"What ever shall I do?" Alice asked in the most sarcastic tone she could muster as she rolled her eyes. "And for the last time, my name is not Alie. It's Alice."

"I know!" Alfred said with a grin. "It's just a nickname."

"I don't care. Kindly stop calling me that."

"Will you let me keep playing music if I do?"

"No."

"Wow, rude." He chuckled. "Guess I got nothin' to lose, then!"

"Unless you consider your life nothing, you're wrong." Alice muttered under her breath, walking to the fridge to find something to eat.

If Alfred had heard her remark, he didn't show it as he walked to the stove to stir whatever the hell he was making. "So! Whatcha writin'?"

"None of your business." She answered, taking out the things to make a salad.

"I'm just curious, dude." He said with a shrug. "I ain't tryin' to be nosy."

Alice sighed heavily and looked at him. "If I tell you, will you leave the music off?"

"Promise!"

"I thought I'd try my hand at blogging." She said simply before turning back around to make her lunch.

"Oh, hey! Isn't that what all the bored stay at home moms do?"
Alice looked over her shoulder and glared at him. "That's only a small portion of bloggers. There are many types of bloggers."

"Really? Cool! Like what?" Alfred asked, hopping up to sit on the counter next to where she was irritatedly throwing lettuce into a bowl.

"Google it, if you're so curious." She said with an eye roll.

He shrugged. "Too much effort."

"Your phone is literally two feet away from you. You can reach out and pick it up right now."

"Too much effort!"

"You don't even have to type it in. Use that voice command thing made for lazy people like you. Siri."

"Too much effort!" He said yet again, drawing his words out.

"Then leave me alone!"

"Too m-"

Alice glared at him and interrupted him before he could finish. "I swear to God, it you say, 'too much effort' again, I am going to drop kick you in the balls."

Alfred burst into laughter. "You're what, four eight and as skinny as a pole? I'm five ten and one hundred and seventy pounds! Good luck with that, sweetheart!"
Alice blushed darkly and took up a handful of salad before throwing it at him in spite. "Shut up, you prick! And I'm not four eight, I'm five one and a quarter!"

Alfred laughed even harder and brushed a piece of lettuce off his shoulder. "Lighten up, dude! I'm just teasin' ya!"

"I don't find it amusing." She huffed, finishing preparing her salad before putting everything back. "And please stop calling me 'dude'. I'm not a man."

"What you got between your legs got nothing to do with it! I call everyone dude, dude." Alfred grinned, hopping off the counter and proceeding to dump what looked like macaroni and cheese from the pot into a bowl.

Alice cringed at his appalling grammar and sat at the table with her salad to eat. "I don't care who you call 'dude' as long as it isn't me."

He chuckled, set his bowl on the table, and sat in the seat across from her. "Dudette, then?"

"Most definitely not."

"Pal?"

"No."
"Bro?"

"If you want to die."

"Sis?"

"No."

"My main squeeze?"

Alice didn't reply to that with words, but rather with the most threatening glare she could muster.

"That's a no, then?" Alfred chuckled, taking a bite of his lunch. "You're right; that one sounds a little too pervy. Hmm. Oh! How about chickadee?"

"Alfred, I will warn you once and once only." She said, looking him dead in the eye. "If you ever call me that, I will scald your nether regions with boiling tea. Understood?"

Alfred blinked, looking quite perturbed. "All right, all right. ...no need to get violent."

She rolled her eyes and began to eat, doing her best to ignore the sound of Alfred chewing with his mouth open.

"So, what's your blog going to be about?" He asked after less than a minute of blessed silence.

"Nothing. I changed my mind about doing it." Alice answered with a huff.

"What? Why?"

"Shouldn't you be worrying about your final exams instead of why I'm not going to write a blog? The school year ends in two weeks and I haven't seen you so much as touch your books once."

"I'm here for football, not for studying." He said with a laugh. "Also, my grades are good, so even if I do fail all the exams, I'll at least have a passing grade. ...most likely."

"Do yourself a favor and study. Or do us both a favor and go entertain yourself by playing football or something." Alice rolled her eyes.

"It's not football season and all my friends are busy." Alfred sighed.

"So study."

"Studying when you're bored is like stabbing your hand with a knife to get a splinter out. It makes it even worse. And there's screaming. And blood. And pain."

Alice looked up at him, annoyed. "Now you're overdramatizing."

"It's true! If I look at a book for too long, I start coughing up blood!" He said, laughing.

"Right." She nodded. "That's bullshit."

Alfred grinned. "Okay, it is, but it does physically hurt me. I get a headache every time I read for more than two minutes."
"You may need glasses, moron."

"Glasses?" His eyes widened in horror. "No. No way."

Alice rolled her eyes again and picked up a book she had left on the table and held it up in front of her. "Read the title. The letters are rather large; you should be able to see it perfectly."

Alfred reluctantly looked at the book and squinted, leaning forward a bit to try to make out what it said. About thirty seconds later, she put the book down and looked at him.

"You need glasses."

"I don't want to be a nerd!"

Alice glared at him, as she wore glasses. "Just because someone's vision is poor doesn't make them a nerd."

"But-"

"No 'but's. How do you expect to play professional football when you can't see very well? How did you even pass the physical exam? They check your eyes, don't they?"

"...I memorized the letter chart thing."

She sighed heavily and facepalmed. "You're an idiot."

"I don't want to be made fun of!" Alfred defended, crossing his arms and pouting a little.

"This is college, not middle school. No one is going to make fun of you."

"How am I going to play football with glasses? They'll get broken or something!"

"Then get contacts as well and wear them to practice and games and such." Alice said, exasperated.

Alfred nodded, though seemed slightly distraught. He cleared his throat and hesitantly looked at her. "Could you...could you maybe come with me?"

She blinked, a little shocked. "Come with you? ...why?"

"I...um, I need someone to help me pick out which frame looks the best on me." He said quickly.

"Not buying it." She stated flatly.

"What? Dude, of course I'll be the one buying it!"

Alice resisted the urge to smack him upside the head and instead gave him the most unimpressed look a human could give. "You absolute wanker. I meant your lie, not the glasses."

Alfred's cheeks flushed a little in embarrassment. "...oh. Well, it's not my fault you're so confusing!"

"Nor mine that you're so stupid."

Alfred laughed. "You're funny!"
"I was being serious."

"It sounded like sarcasm." He said, looking a little confused.

"Well, it wasn't." She answered, standing and taking her empty bowl to the sink to wash it.

"I've known you for what, four months, and still can't tell when you're joking or not?" He shook his head with a chuckle and then grinned. "I guess I'll just have to get to know you better!"

"Why...?" She raised an eyebrow and set the clean bowl and fork into the dish rack.

"Because we're friends! And misunderstandments between friends is bad."

"What's bad is your ability to speak. It's 'misunderstandings', not whatever the hell you said." Alice rolled her eyes and looked at him. "And the only misunderstanding between us is that you are under the impression that we are friends."

Alfred nodded. "Yeah, you're right."

She blinked, not having expected him to react that way. "What?"

"We're more like best friends, aren't we?" He beamed at her.

"Most certainly not!" She exclaimed. "If I could find an affordable place other than here, I would take it without a second thought."

"Sure we are!" Alfred said happily, ignoring her second comment.

"Are not."

"Who's your best friend, then?"

"...None of your business."

He smirked. "You don't have one, do you?"

Alice blushed slightly and looked away, embarrassed that he saw through her lie. "...If I did, would I be here with you? No."

"I knew it! That's it, we're best friends now." He stood and hugged her, smiling widely.

"Get off me, you prick!" She said, shoving him away, her cheeks darkening more. "And don't say such ridiculous things."

"Why not? It's true! You're my best friend."

"We've only known each other four months. Don't be absurd."

"So what? I spend more time with you than I do with my other friends, and you're a lot more fun!"
Alice blinked and looked at him, a little shocked and slightly touched by the admission. "I'm more fun…? We don't ever do anything together, Alfred..."

"Sure we do!" He smiled. "We watch movies together, don't we?

"You watch movies and babble while I read and ignore you."

"Same difference. Oh! We go out to get food sometimes, that's something!"

"You literally beg me until I drive you to your favorite diner and I only ever agree because you pay for both of us. That sounds less like friendship and more like I'm your mother."

Alfred burst into laughter. "Or a gold digger!"

Alice's expression hardened and she crossed her arms. "Excuse me? I most certainly am not."

"See?" He laughed again. "This is why we need to be better friends! You don't know when I'm joking, either."

She sighed and rolled her eyes. "Fine. We can be 'friends'. But only if you stop bloody pestering me so much! Just because we live together doesn't mean we have to be with each other every second when we're both here. I need time to myself, even if you don't."

Alfred nodded and extended his hand. "Deal!"

Alice raised an eyebrow. "Really? A handshake?"

"Why not? Oh! We can make a secret one if you want! I had this one with my friends back in junior high when we would spit in our hands and then-"

"On second thought, a handshake is fine." She says, quickly shaking his hand before he said anything more.

She let go and glanced at the time, sighing. "I have to get ready for work now."

"'Kay." Alfred smiled. "Have a good day at work!"

"Doubtful." She muttered to herself. Though, as she changed her clothes and put her hair up, she found that she was in a far better mood than she usually was. Why that was, she refused to acknowledge. Having Alfred wanting to be her friend meant nothing to her, and that was what she was going to keep telling herself.