Just a quick two shot inspired by a broken vacuum. Hope you like it.

Dedicated to Tracia for her birthday. Here is some JJ/Rossi hot loving. I couldn't tie it up pretty in paper with a huge bow, but I know you won't mind. May all your birthdays be as blessed as every day I've known you.

I don't own Criminal Minds.

Song prompt: "Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer.

Can't Touch This!

Dave Rossi was a reasonable man. Most of the time. He knew that things happened for a reason. There was reason and logic behind most of it, and what couldn't be explained, well….maybe it wasn't worth worrying over. He had had that view with his marriages, and with catching criminals, and with his writing. And what he couldn't worry about, he hired help.

There was someone to cook and clean. There was a gardener and a maintenance man on call. He even had a plumber and roofer on speed dial. But there was nothing to help him right now with a clogged vacuum cleaner.

He should have waited for the housekeeper, but it was Saturday and she was off. And what the hell - he knew how to run a vacuum…at least he thought he did. Turn it on, run it over the carpet, and then put it back in the broom closet when done. It seemed simple as pie.

Until it made that grinding noise and then the poof of grey smoke that came out of the canister.

Now he was at a loss as to what to do since nothing he learned in the FBI Academy had prepared him for small mechanical breakdowns. Scrounging up what little tools he had in the desk, he set to fixing the vacuum. But an hour later, his frustration level had been reached and he was ready to chuck the whole thing out the window.

Until the knock on the door.

Brushing the dust off his shirt, he let out a deep breath and answered the door. It was on the tip of his tongue to say something biting until he saw JJ.

"Hi, Dave," she greeted. "Is this a bad time?"

"Hello JJ. What makes you ask that?" Dave wondered.

"I heard cursing inside and you have a streak of black right -" She touched the wide black mark on Dave's cheek. "There."

Dave rubbed his face with the back of his hand. "It's nothing."

"Can I help?" JJ offered.

"Depends, can you fix vacuums?" he asked.

JJ smiled. "Vacuums? I'm not quite following you…."

"A regular run of the mill Hoover piece of crap that you use in your home; can you fix them?" he asked. A bit of impatience was in his tone.

"I can give it a try." JJ shrugged her shoulders.

"Then come inside." Dave opened the door wide and let JJ step into the foyer. "It's this way," he offered and led the way thru the living room and formal dining area to the study. Stepping aside, he pointed to the machine lying helpless on the floor. "There it is."

"Umm, Dave…" JJ hesitated.

"I'm about at the end of my rope. My next step is pulling my service weapon out and putting the damn thing out of its misery."

"I…" JJ looked from the machine to her fellow agent. "Okay," she sighed. "I'll see what I can do."

Walking over to the machine, she knelt down beside it. Looking it over, she pulled out the canister, then the hose connection to the base. Giving it a shake, she pushed it back in and then turned on the switch.

"No! Don't do…" Dave shouted before a cloud of grey smoke hit JJ in the face. "…that," he finished.

Choking and gagging, JJ tried to clear her lungs as she blinked fast. "Thanks for the warning," she croaked.

"I think it's broken."

"Hmmm…." JJ inspected the machine more closely. "I'm going to need a flat head screwdriver and a Philips's head, too."

"How about I just throw it out?" Dave asked sarcastically.

JJ rested back on her heels. "That is your choice. Maybe money grows on trees for you, but you asked me to fix this contraption and I am going to do my best."

"JJ…"

The blonde leveled a cool gaze at the man who found different ways of frustrating her more than her son.

"I'll make you a deal: if I don't fix it, you can throw it out."

"Okay."

"If I fix it, you owe me."

"Am I going to regret this?" Dave asked carefully.

"Depends…are you game?"

"Alright, Cara. Stay there." Turning on his heel, Dave left the room. Two minutes later, he was back with a tool box and a plastic grocery bag. "Will this do?"

JJ nodded. "Yes. Now stand back and let me see what I can do." Taking out the flat head, she loosened the screws. "Hold these," she ordered. "I don't want to lose them."

"Okay."

"Now, let's see what's under this…" She pulled the panel back to inspect the belt. The stench of burning rubber assaulted her nose. "Wow! How long did you run this thing before you realized something was wrong?" She waved the smell away.

"I thought it was picking up," Dave protested.

"Which is why you are a negotiator and not a house keeper." She inspected the belt. "It's okay, but you'd better tell Freya to get a new belt. Okay, let's see about the hose…" She unscrewed the hose from the base. Tilting it, she looked down the tube. Sticking her fingers in, she tried to see if there was clog. Banging it hard on the floor, she sighed.

"This is not going to be pretty," she announced.

"What?" Dave cocked an eyebrow.

JJ swallowed hard. "What I need to do…I have to…unclog the hose…"

"How?"

"Like this." JJ put the hose to her mouth and blew. Hard.

"What in the world?" Dave exclaimed.

"Hush!" JJ blew again. Nothing happened. Taking a deep breath, she blew harder. Nothing. Sighing, she put the hose down and tried to catch her breath. "This sucks."

"I think you're blowing, not sucking," Dave supplied innocently.

"Seriously?" JJ fought the urge to toss the machine at Dave. "Alright, you do it!"

"JJ…"

"You clogged it, you unclog it. Or you let me do my job," JJ snapped. Taking the hose in her hand again, JJ took a deep breath and pressed the end of the hose to her thigh. Then she blew hard. Then again. And again.

A puff of dust escaped. She tried to hide her smile of victory. Taking a deeper breath, she blew until she thought her cheeks would burst. Then as she repeated, she pulled the end from her thigh and let it loose. The hose shook as a rumble sounded and a large ball of dust covered fur popped out and landed on the carpet.

Twice more, JJ repeated the procedure. More hair followed along with a wad of paper.

Putting the hose down, JJ looked triumphant. "Well, I guess we found out what the problem is: you have a dog that sheds."

Dave looked in disbelief at the pile on the floor. "That is what was clogging the hose?"

JJ picked up the wad of fur and piece of paper. "Yep." She stood up and then deposited the debris into Dave's hands.

"What am I supposed to do with this?" he asked.

"Keep it, if you want. But I would throw it away." JJ began to put everything back together. A couple minutes later, she wiped the sweat from her brow. "I think it's fixed." Plugging the cord into the wall, she hit the power button. Immediately, the vacuum sprung to life and began suctioning.

Two swipes of the floor to pick up the stray dust, JJ righted the machine and turned off the engine.

"There. Fixed."

"I can't believe you did that," Dave stated in amazement.

JJ blew the stray strand of hair out of her face. "It's nothing a good blow job can't take care of," she stated. "Where is your bathroom? I need to clean up."

"Upstairs. Seventh door on the left."

"Second?" JJ repeated.

"Seventh," Dave corrected.

"Okay." JJ left the room and Dave to clean up the tools. Dave watched her leave. A wide smile was on his face.