Just a one-shot, something that I've been working on for quite a while. It's really helped me through a lot.
Hope you enjoy.
-xx
It's quiet out; dawn is just breaking as the sunlight filters through the dusty windowpanes, beams of sunlight illuminating the emptiness that is my office.
It can't reach my heart. Nobody can, now that you're gone.
He was empty that was the only way he could describe it. But it meant nothing; I will brave face and make it through this.
Liar.
It's the beginning of a new day, a day where anything can happen, but nothing will.
I close my eyes, my limp hand curling around the now warm glass, no longer carrying the amber liquid that once reached its brim. Liquor, a cure all for everything, you once told me. Only now do I believe your words.
xxx
"Sev.." You whined playfully, a small smirk rising on those lips of yours.
My reply was scolding, but in a way that only you ever heard. Intimately. "My name is Severus, Barty. Not Sev."
"And my name is Bartemius, yet you call me Barty." You replied, smirking still, those dark eyes of yours locked with mine. "Come on, nobody is around. We won't get caught.. Just one kiss." You said, winking this time, as if to encourage me.
You did.
My lips met yours in a soft, desperately needed display of affection. It was moments like these, stolen moments, where it was just you and I, that meant the most.
I gently reached out and brushed my fingers across his chapped lips; he had been biting them again. "Come on, get to class. I don't want you falling behind." I whispered softly, on the off chance that anyone was walking past..
You pressed your lips softly to my fingers before slipping out of the alcove that had become our meeting point; it was in a deserted corridor, where hardly anybody went. It seemed perfect.
You made sure to press your body perfectly against mine as you moved out, and winked once more as you did so; yet your eyes seemed tired. Only in the light did I now see just how pale your skin had gotten. Was the OWL's getting to you that much, or was there something you weren't telling me?
"I'll see you later, yeah?" You asked, your voice hopeful yet slightly needing.
With an incline of my head, I answered, "Of course you will. Same time same place." And with that, I watched you turn and walk away from me, all too soon disappearing around the corner. I was left alone in the darkness of the alcove. Our place. Closing my eyes, I leaned my head against the stonewall. What would happen when I leave?
xxx
It seems like a dream now, looking back on it all. Or maybe this is a dream?
Liar.
You can't feel pain in a dream, which is the first piece of evidence I have in proving myself wrong. Why are you so damn logical, Severus Snape?
The Headmaster has cleared all of my classes for the day, allowing me to sit here, with nothing to do. He must know. He has always known.
The beams of light become stronger as minutes pass, but it seems as if time is standing still.
Everything seems distant, as if it never happened. Is it because I tried to forget – tried to forget you, everything about you that drew me in.
I did. For a while. But you came back, and brought with you everything I ever felt for you.
God, I hate you.
Liar.
Why did I ever say those things to you, and more importantly, why couldn't I suck up my pride and admit I was wrong, take it all back, make the badness go away, and make us right again.
xxx
I watched how the tears filled your eyes that you so desperately tried to blink away furiously. "You aren't serious! I know you aren't." Your voice was restrained, on the verge of cracking.
"Barty, you know me, I am a very serious person. You can't have actually thought this would mean anything. I'm leaving Hogwarts, tomorrow. You know this could never work outside, especially since you are here for another two years." I was wondering from the point, trying to lengthen the time before I would have to tear myself from you, from our place.
You weren't shouting anymore, silently broken, and that almost cracked me. "So that's all I was to you? Just a little distraction, something to keep you occupied until you could leave?"
There was no way around it, I had done the damage, I had seen in your eyes how your heart broke. You couldn't see it in mine, but it did. "Yes, Barty, that was all." I said, slipping away from your warm body, despite how my heart ached, screamed internally not to leave you.
"Goodbye then, Sev.." It was little more than a whisper, just audible, but it rang in my ears as if you had shouted it. Clenching my fists my nails dug into my skin, an effort to control pain with more pain. I said nothing, as I walked away, walked away from you, from our place, from us.
xxx
What reason did I have for all of that, for saying such harsh things when none of it was true? I was scared. I know it sounds pathetic, but I was. I was scared of disappointing you, of hurting you. It was the last thing I wanted. You were so much better off without me, so I told myself again and again.
Liar.
So, I left Hogwarts, I left you. I couldn't stay at home any longer, despite my love for my Mother, my hatred for my Father was too strong. I packed a bag, and I left. It's hard to remember where I went, and what I did, maybe it's best that I don't remember.
Soon after, I re-acquainted myself with my peers, Malfoy, Lestrange. They were still involved in their little clique, death eaters as they called themselves in thir last few months of school. I can't deny how it suddenly appealed to me. It would give me a purpose, a reason, something I had lost since losing you.
I followed along, spent more time with them. I guess you can say I was brainwashed, it seemed glamorous, but it truly was a cause I neither loved nor cared about. I mean, ridding the world of all mud-bloods, half bloods, when I was one myself. Wasn't that a little hypocritical?
The Dark Lord, as they called him, was very persuasive, as we both know. Only months later, I was branded. I was one of them, but I didn't truly belong. Bellatrix ensured I knew that, spoilt brat.
I was finally pulling myself together, and after two years; you would think that wasn't so hard. Things were getting more intense with the Dark Lord, he had a plan. He was the most feared man on this planet, and I was a part of everything he was doing. I tortured, I killed, I murdered. And to this day, I will never escape what haunts me still. I did everything for him.
Then you came along, back into my life, looking for a part in this, a part which you should have never been given.
xxx
"Our newest member joins us tonight. I'm sure some of you will recognise him, and for those of you who do not, Barty Crouch Junior." Lucius' voice came from the head of the table in his manor.
Bellatrix had requested we all meet tonight, to have a dinner, discuss what was happening, really I knew she just wanted to tell everyone of how the Dark Lord had deemed her as his 'Most Faithful'. It was a title I would not fight her for.
None of that mattered anymore, because now, you were here, before me. After two long years, here you were. Abruptly, I stood up, so fast that my chair almost tipped over.
I brushed past you, as I had done on any occasions before, but the intimacy was long lost. Buried, more like.
It only seemed to be minutes before you followed me out. You were only just of age, for Merlin's sake. You shouldn't be here.
"Surprised to see me, were you?" Your voice came from behind me, causing the hairs on the back of my neck to stand up.
Slowly I turned to face you, biting my inner lip, to keep myself from reacting. You had grown up a lot, but there was something missing in your eyes, replaced with something else. I didn't like it.
"You shouldn't be here, Barty. This isn't for you." And I knew it wasn't, deep down, I knew how sensitive he was, he couldn't handle this, it would drive him mad.
"You can't tell me what to do anymore, Severus." Never had I heard my name come from your lips sounding so harsh.
I reverted back to my normal, cold self, a smirk pulling on the corner of my lips. "Oh, but I know you Barty. You can't handle this, you aren't good enough for this" Desperately, I was trying to make you go, to turn away from all of this before it was too late. I didn't ant you caught up in this.
You mirrored my smirk, tilting your head back, slightly to the side, parting your lips ever so slightly, just enough for your tongue to slither out over your lips and disappear before I could blink. "You mustn't go against what your Master thinks, Severus. You'd think after two years you would know that." You said dismissively.
My eyes narrowed ever so slightly in mere confusion. "What do you mean?" I snapped, demanding an answer.
You didn't speak. You didn't have to.
I knew it as soon as you reached for your left sleeve. As if in slow motion, you rolled up your sleeve, smirking proudly as you showed off your Dark Mark.
It was ugly against your pale skin. Corrupting your innocence.
xxx
Before I knew it, I was on my feet, walking in no particular direction.
Liar.
I knew exactly where they were taking me, where I almost willed them to go.
The hallways seemed barren, with only the odd student crossing my path. None stayed around too long when they seen me. A ghost of a smile appeared on my lips for just a second, it was good to know I still held such authority over students.
It didn't take me long to reach the top of the corridor, but I soon found my legs would carry me no further. I couldn't bring myself to go there, to go to our place. It had been so long, how could I possibly do it now?
I tried, very hard, to do right by you. I knew I was wrong for you, and I did everything I could to stop you from being stuck with me.
Years passed, The Dark Lord, was dead, or so people thought, but I'm sure we both thought different. I returned to Hogwarts as a teacher, under the watchful and most helpful eye of Albus Dumbledore. You.. You were sent to Azkaban, and that was the last I had heard of you.
Until yesterday.
The TriWizard tournament was finished, Diggory was dead, and Potter was missing. Dumbledore knew where, and so we followed, Albus, Minerva and I.
I had no idea, as I watched the effects of the Poly Juice potion wear off. It was you! You had been here, with me for the pat year, and I never knew! How stupid was I?
Your eyes flickered to me, and I could see the sense of excitement in them, but also the fear, that only I could recognise. You knew what was going to happen to you now, and so did I.
It was the last time I got to see you. There were so many things I wanted to say to you, but I couldn't, and now I will never get the chance to tell you, I will never get to say what I want to say.
The Dementors took you from me. They took my Barty and now you're just a shell, it isn't you. You're just empty.
My mind is racing with everything I ever wanted to say to you, the night when I left, the night you joined the Death Eaters, and the many occasions I had met you afterwards.
I love you, Barty Crouch Junior, and I always will. I wish I had said nothing that I had kept everything going. You were made for me, and I know that now. You said that night, when I left, that you didn't believe me, that I was a liar. I wish you really meant it, that you came after me, that you forced me to stay. I wish I hadn't given you any reason to doubt my true feelings. I wish I could take it all back, spend the rest of my life with you, marry you, show you how sorry I am, how sorry I always will be.
I can't.
Finally I will myself to move to our place. One slow footstep after the other. My heart was beating slowly, but it may as well have stopped. There was no reason for it to beat any longer.
Faced with the alcove before me, I could feel my heart restrict, and my breathing become laboured. I just wanted to be close to you right now, the person I lost. I slowly slipped into the alcove, pressing my back up against the wall.
Once more, I closed my eyes, tilting my head back against the uneven bricks which made up the wall. A single tear rolled down my cheek. My barriers were breaking, and I wasn't going to stop them.
I opened my eyes, and instantly, they locked on a piece of parchment stuck to the ceiling above me. With shaky hands, I reached for it, pulling it from the wall.
Your writing was unmistakeable. A sob escaped from my throat as I read the word you had scribbled on the parchment, stained with your tears.
'Liar'
I clenched my fist, scrunching up the paper. My knees could no longer support me, and I slid to the ground, clutching the paper to my chest.
I gave in. I cried.