From the shadows of a rocky structure, I watched the rebel ship depart. Then I laid back, trying to find cover before the freezing teeth of the raging storm could get a taste of me. It had been going on ever since I - we - got here, yet it didn't seem to have any intention of stopping anytime soon. I was cold, my leg hurt like hell, and the worst: I was alone. Completely alone, at the mercy of those reptilian beasts - later I learned that their name is Bonzami, - that tried to eat us not long ago.

I missed that Lasat… not because I started to like him – though I happen to rethink that now, – but because he had turned my attention away from these miserable conditions. This time, however, as I was stuck on this iceball alone, even though the severe instruction of ISB officers had taught me how to behave in high risk situations, I happened to have way too much time to think about it.

„I should have taken the rebels' offer…" I found myself hesitating. Then I shook my head, as if this physical movement could scatter these wandering thoughts from my mind. Obviously enough, it couldn't.
„What if the Empire has already given up on me? I am replaceable, a mere gear in this vast machinery… why would they waste their resources?"
Sentences and thoughts were crawling into my mind, filled with doubts, finding those small cracks on my determination and sanity, chewing their way into my subconscious.

„STOP!" I snapped at myself sitting up, and then shut up immediately, grabbing the now even more painful leg that got contracted in the process. „Not that anyone can witness me out here" I thought, making a face. At least not intelligent ones, as I heard the Bonzami answering with a murmur far beneath the surface. And I had a strong feeling they weren't trying to accommodate me. They sounded rather frustrated, which was understandable, considering that their dinner just got away and was sitting on the surface, unreachable. Or so I hoped.
„At least THEY care about my absence" I sniffed, then found my mind wandering off again. „What is happening with me? Some hours spent listening to the other side's views and values shook mines, even though I always felt they were laying on stable grounds, as impenetrable as a fortress. A day ago I was attending my duties, hunting rebels, dealing with deserters, so confident in my position. It was natural, doing what I'd always been doing. What has changed since then?"

I caught myself thinking about Zeb. „No, I don't feel compassion for him. No, I don't think that our cause is wrong. This is outright ridiculous" I shook my head again, as if to reassure myself how idiotic these assumptions were. „Or… is it truly?" I added after some seconds of being in a dilemma. „What if I had been wrong all my life?"
I laid my head back to the rock, closed my eyes, and recalled the joy of seeing TIE-fighters swooping by my family home as a teen, attending the annual Imperial Day parade, feeling a mix of security and awe when looking at the flawless white armour of the saluting stormtroopers... Back then they seemed to be enveloped by an atmosphere of dignity and power – which slowly faded away after I actually started working with them. Those young ages were the times I decided to become a fighter for this cause, to bring security and pride to the citizens of the Empire. I wanted to become someone people would look up to with the same respect they look up to the Empire itself.
„But… is that truly respect? What if people aren't satisfied, what if they aren't feeling safe? Truly enough, the Empire is is strict with those who stand against its might, but not with the civilians. At least, not if they cooperate."

A sputtering pain started working its way across my leg, for which I was thankful. It brought me back to the present, thus I didn't have to pursue those poisoning and treacherous thoughts anymore. „I must be having these hallucinations because of fever" I assured myself. „Severe fever can make one have visions and lose one's mind. Once I'm treated, I will be as good as new. This must also be the reason why I'm talking to myself."

I sniffed again, then laughed at the irony of the situation. Not wholeheartedly, rather in a melancholic way. Once I returned to my original state of mind, I arranged my leg into a more comfortable position, checked if the distress signal was still on its way through the unfriendly atmosphere and into the vastness of space, and tried not to wonder how much I'd missed from my life by serving a delusion.