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Sammy the Crow-eater Gets a Big Surprise

Sammy was the head crow-eater or as Tig liked to put it she was the crow-eater who gave the best head. Tig was her least favorite Son. That guy had perversions, not major league gerbils inserted into body cavities stuff, but other weird shit like having sex while he had perm rods in his hair. What the hell kind of kink is that? Juice was her favorite because he usually just wanted to cuddle.

The problem with being a crow-eater was you had to do whatever the Sons say or they kick your ass out of the clubhouse. Sammy was ambitious. She didn't want to be a crow-eater or even an old lady. She wanted to be a porn star.

SOA had connections to Cara Cara, the porn studio Sammy wanted to work for. She was hoping that some time as a crow-eater would help her get in good with the Sons who would help her get a job at Cara Cara.

Her ambitions didn't end there. She wanted to make a couple of porn films and then jump into real movies. The world needed a new romantic comedy star. With her curly golden hair and large blue eyes, she could out Meg Ryan Meg Ryan. She had it all down from the nose crinkle to the smug smile and Meg Ryan had aged out of rom com roles decades ago creating an unfilled void.

She sat on the exam table impatiently swinging her legs back and forth. She just wanted to get this over with and get the hell out of this room. She hated seeing doctors. There wasn't anything wrong with her. They could have just given her the damned test results over the phone, but no, thanks to some Hippie Law or something like that, they claimed they could only give her the results in person.

"Sorry for the wait," the doctor said, coming into the room. "Well, I have good news for you. You are still HIV negative."

"Woo hoo! Yes! Still negative," Sammy said cheering and punching the air just like in a rom com.

"I'm afraid there's some bad news. Quite a bit of bad news actually," the doctor said looking down at a sheet of paper.

"Son of a bitch," Sammy said.

Actually, she thought, she should have said "sons of anarchy" because that's where whatever bad shit she was about to find out had happened to her.

"You have genital lice."

"Shit," Sammy said.

"You have crabs."

"So that's what those little critters are."

"Herpes Simplex 10."

"Still."

"Genital psoriasis."

"What the hell! I didn't even know you could get that there."

"It's extremely rare."

"Gonorrhea,"

"Oh, hell."

"Syphilis."

"Triple shit and fuck me! Isn't that the one that can make you crazy and blind?"

"Yes, untreated syphilis leads to insanity and blindness. We can cure it with antibiotics."

"Son of a bitch!" Sammy said dismayed. "I can't believe I have that. Again."

"You have chlamydia."

"Damn it."

"You also have HPV. Basically, you have every STD except HIV. Have you ever considered using condoms during sex?" the doctor asked trying to sound nonjudgmental.

"I always use them except with this one guy. He thinks he's too good for them."

"Does this guy have a name?"

"Jax Teller."

"Is he the person who infected you?"

"He infected you too, doc. Aren't you his old lady?"

"Triple shit and fuck me!" Tara said.

There was going to be hell to pay when she got home tonight.

Happy April Fool's Day! This is my story for the year. Since this is a joke story, it doesn't fit into any of my other stories and it isn't real.

I'm posting this story early because with Easter falling on April Fool's Day, I thought it might offend some readers if I posted it then.