A/N: First spoilers. If you haven't seen 7x10 and the sneak peek for 7x11 and don't want to be spoiled go back now.
As the summary says this is going to be a series of one shots from a single person's point of view giving reactions to the end of "Bad Santa". I will try to not go too far OOC. From this first one you might get an idea what I think about the mid season cliff-hanger.
Disclaimer : Castle is the property of those that make it, definitely not me.
Ch. 1 - CASTLE
He was tired, oh so tired. As he looked out at the passing night time vista of New York streets from the passenger seat of his wife's cruiser he was tired of the lasts and how he didn't know that they were his lasts until now.
The last time riding in this car as her partner. The last time he would build theory with her. The last time he would make her coffee in the break room. The last time he would tease the boys about a case. The last time he would see that look of hero worship on Ryan's face, exasperation on Espo's and annoyance on Gates'. The last time he would sit in that chair by her desk that she had defended so fiercely. The last time he would slip under the crime scene tape at her side. The last time watching her tear someone apart in the interrogation room. The last time stepping off the elevator, coffees in hand, side by side, partners in crime. Their last case together. All these lasts weighed on him and made him tired.
His charmed life where, he'd told her his dreams come true, has been dealt a large dose of reality. Because now one of the bedrocks of his life, that had helped bring them back together so many times and that they'd both cemented in the promise of their vows, was gone. He was banished from the precinct and there was nothing he could do. His friendship with Bob for naught because the worst thing is that it was all his own fault.
As usual he'd gotten caught up in the here and now and the excitement of a new experience and not thought ahead. Usually that drive for new experiences held him in such good stead. Had led him to such success both professionally and personally. He glanced over at the profile of his wife in the driver's seat as it is shown to him in the light of the passing streetlamps and traffic. So strong and beautiful. That drive for new experiences had led him to her. Now it was tearing him from her side.
Not completely of course. They still had each other and always would. Always. But that part of their life that had brought them together was now in the past and he hadn't even told her yet. As his glance turned into a stare he saw the moment when she sensed his scrutiny and she made her own glance at him. He quickly turned is eyes back to the passing life outside the car so not to reveal everything to her yet. He didn't want to do that yet. Didn't want burst the bubble of Christmas cheer that had enveloped her at the precinct.
For so long she had let the joy of Christmas pass her by. To keep it out of her damaged heart. It was one of the many things he was proud of that he'd helped to bring the joy of this season back to her through his own childlike embracing of this time of year. Let alone he doesn't think he's ever seen her dance in the precinct before and now that first is also added to the list of lasts. This year has had so many ups and downs and he was about to add yet another down right at the end. He wanted to hold off bringing her down until the last possible moment. The last thing he ever wanted to do was bring her down. It was why he had those sleepless nights just before his trip to the alternate reality/dream woke him up and gave him the jolt to the biggest up of the year, their marriage.
His disappearance had shaken up their relationship and twisted doubts into his mind of how good he was or rather wasn't good for her. Ever since he got back he had tried to make things the same as they were before that missing two months. Even he knew he had tried too hard at times with some of his antics. It was like he was trying to be like he was in that first year they met. Too carefree, too jokey, too childish. It had taken time and their marriage to get back to a semblance of their normal. As the year drew to its close he had started to look forward again to their life together and all that it held. Now his own stupidity had taken a significant part of that future away.
Perhaps this was the universe finally making him pay for all the good fortune in his life. For having the perfect daughter, the most beautiful and loving wife and equally eccentric and loving mother. For being able to spend his life and earn his living doing a thing he loved, writing. For having a personality that found it so easy to make connections and friends.
Ironically it was also because of that ability to make connections that led him to this. To take so many other parts of his good fortune away. Being able to bring justice to victims, to making a difference, to solving the most difficult of puzzles and, most importantly, being able to work with his muse and the love of his life. Showing him how fulfilling his life could be for the last six and a half years and then to take it away. He risked another glance at her profile as he thought again, to take him away from her side.
He pushed his head back into the headrest and closed his eyes. What was he going to do? He couldn't see a way back. But he equally couldn't stop, couldn't go back to the way he was. The way he was before he met her. He couldn't see himself going back to just sitting at home and writing while she went to work every day to bring justice to victims. He also couldn't let her put herself in harm's way without him there to watch her back. Likewise he'd caught the same bug as her. He had to bring justice too. Had to share it with her.
His eyes shoot open as the thought comes to him, DC! Even when it looked like they had lost this same part of what they were then he had still found a way to be by her side. He thought wryly to himself, perhaps that's not the best example given how that almost turned out for him but the thought stuck. Ryan had said at the time that their relationship was based on his boundary pushing and this was not going to be any different. He would push, he would fight and he would refuse to give up. Anything to keep what they have alive. Because justice was worth it. Because she was worth it.
But how? Just keep turning up at the precinct? No, Gates would just keep showing him the door. Probably had already told the desk sergeant not to let him past the front desk without permission. Just turn up at crime scenes with her? No, they would think that it was her idea and he couldn't do that to her career if he hadn't already done that with all this. It had been so much a part of her life that he wouldn't risk that. He'd seen her in that universe/dream in the Captain's office and he held that dream for her future. Use the boys and few of the others to keep him in the loop on the investigations? No, like with her he couldn't do that to their careers either if they were found out. How could he still keep solving murders, particularly HER murders? He had to keep this connection, but HOW? How can a private citizen like him solve murders when they aren't the tag along of one of the most driven, intelligent, honourable and, yes, extraordinary police detectives there has ever been? How can any private citizen do that?...Private citizen….Private citizen…...Private In...
"Castle! What is it? What's wrong?" Kate interrupts his thoughts as she glances away from the traffic in front of her at him.
"Nothing," he replies trying to not look into her eyes. He knows the moment she sees his eyes she'll know.
She sighs and he can tell she doesn't believe him, "Babe, I know nothing and this isn't nothing. You've been like this since the party. Is it my poem? Didn't it live up to the standards of the Castle Christmas Tradition?"
"No, No, No, your poem is perfect. Even better than what my contribution is," he placates her because it is the truth. Her poem had been perfect if not also heartrendingly ironic at the time.
"Ok now I know that something's up because you, Richard Castle, who gets into the bluest of funks when he loses at Scrabble does not deprecate your own writing unless there is something seriously wrong," she adds glancing at him again with just hint of one of her familiar glares. The one that says that she's not angry but she really wants to know what is going on.
As he pauses, sighs and ponders how he's going to tell her she turns the car into the basement garage of their building. He takes the time of her manoeuvring into the space next to the Ferrari to try and think of a way of telling her without destroying the her good mood while also telling her that he's screwed up so momentously. As she jerks the park brake a little too forcefully he knows that he's already done that. She can sense his mood, just as he can hers and she knows now that there is something going on that she won't like.
He takes deep breath before continuing in a resigned voice, "Not here, in the car, in the garage. I'll tell you upstairs, Ok?"
She swivels in her seat to look at him fully and studies his face for a moment, "Ok," she responds carefully showing that she's picked up that whatever it is it's important.
They are both quiet as they get out of the car, walk to the elevator and then ride it to their floor. The silence between them remains until they are inside the loft and are both sitting on the couch in the living room, facing each other.
Castle is hit again by the irony as the loft is so joyfully decorated for the season and here he is about to suck the joy right out of the room. He takes another deep breath and looks into her questioning eyes. He looks away not wanting so see them change as he tells her.
"Kate, after I spoke to Dino at the precinct, Gates came to see me…."
A/N : The thing I'll say about the cliff-hanger at the end of 7x10, Lord preserve us from writers that want to shake things up. I thought it was a bit reminiscent of the end of season 6. A fun episode that gets turned on it's ear at the very end. I've got so many story ideas going around in my head but I am finding it hard to get them down. Then this episode came along and I wanted to get this out. So at least it inspired me and got me off my butt to write.
This chapter is my first attempt at angst which is a standard in Castle fan fiction. I'll be putting out different characters perspectives on Castle's eviction from the 12th. Some will be from the usual suspects while a few will be from out of left field. The next chapter will continue straight on from where we leave off here with just a change of POV. I hope you enjoy.