Almost Everything I Wish I'd Said The Last Time I Saw You
I couldn't fit the whole title in the title box. :)
This fanfiction was inspired by a recent episode of One Tree Hill - 'Darkness on the Edge of Town'. Brilliant episode, so powerful that this story crept into my mind and stayed there until I wrote it all down. Here we go..
The rain was coming down in sheets, so thick that Ash and Misty could barely see through the windscreen of the car as they sped down the road. The windscreen wipers swished from side to side, their battle against the incoming rain proving futile. A bolt of lightning shot across the dark grey sky, and a few seconds later a loud rumble of thunder cracked in the distance.
"Slow down, Ash," Misty glanced over to her friend. His hands gripped the steering wheel, chocolate-coloured eyes focused only on what he could see of the road ahead.
"I have to find her, Misty," his voice cracked, he was desperately holding back tears.
"We will," she stated as confidently as she could, but her attempt at comfort was lost on him.
"I'm such an idiot," his voice was laced with regret. "I didn't mean anything I said. I don't even know why I was so angry. Now she's out in this storm with Mia and it's all my fault."
Ash was referring to his wife, May, who after an argument with him had taken off with their daughter into the incoming storm, blinded by distress and anger. Passing through on her way back home to Cerulean City, Misty had discovered Ash stricken with panic, pacing the floor of his Pallet Town home a half hour ago. He quickly told her about the fight, and as the storm rapidly worsened they were out the door to find her.
So far they had seen nothing. Their hope was that May had decided to pull over somewhere to wait out the storm, but so far her red four-wheel-drive was nowhere to be seen.
"We're going to find her, Ash," Misty glanced over at him, "You just need to calm down, okay? Panicking isn't going to help."
Ash didn't acknowledge Misty's comment. In fact, he didn't even notice that she had spoken. His gaze was fixed ahead, and a few seconds later he slammed his foot on the brakes and the car skidded to a slippery stop in the middle of the road.
"Ash!" Misty screamed, thankful she had her seatbelt on.
"Mist…" Misty's stomach did an uncomfortable flip flop as Ash spoke her name, his voice strangled, eyes transfixed ahead. She turned away from him to look through the rain at the road ahead.
Misty's heart lurched. She let out a sickly gasp.
For in front of them, turned on its side beside a huge gum tree, was May's car.
Milliseconds later, Ash was out of the car and running across the road. Misty followed him, stepping out of the car and getting instantly soaked, but she barely noticed the rain. All she could see was the car, which looked as though it had hit the tree and rolled over, eventually resting on its side by the road. As Ash ran through the rain, Misty pulled her phone out of her pocket and dialed 911. She tried to calm her voice enough to explain the situation to the person on the other end.
Through the pounding of the rain, Ash could hear the cries of a baby. His baby. His heart lurched once more, but he could not feel anything – the fear, the shock, the drenching rain - it was all numbed. He knew one thing – he had to get his girls out of there.
When he reached the car, he could see May through the windscreen, her head bleeding and her eyes closed.
"May!" he called, terrified. She didn't respond. He looked around, desperately searching for the best way to get inside the car. A bolt of lightning lit up the sky, and he used it to get a better view of the car. He ran to the other side of the car to the sunroof. The glass was shattered. His heart was pounding so loudly it rivaled the thunder beating through the sky like a giant drum. He peered through the hole. May was still unmoving, but he could now see Mia, still strapped into her baby seat; her screams pierced his ears and sent shockwaves through his body.
"May," he called as he climbed through the small space, only just fitting through. He was in the car now, glancing frantically between his wife and his daughter.
"May!" Ash called desperately as he moved over to the back corner of the car, where little Mia lay strapped into her seat. He quickly checked her over to find that she looked relatively unscathed, just shocked and frightened.
"It's okay, baby," he spoke softly as he tugged on the seatbelt, but it was stuck. He pulled it with all his might, but it wouldn't budge.
"Ash…" he heard a tiny voice through the crashing rain pounding on the car and the frenetic beating of his heart echoing through his head.
"May?" he recognised the voice instantly. He glanced over to her, still trying desperately to get the seatbelt on the baby seat unclasped.
"May! Can you hear me?" he called.
"Yes," she responded a few seconds later. He moved over to the front seat to look at her. Her head was covered in blood, the sticky red substance was stuck all over her auburn hair. Ash tried not to notice it, or the fact that her legs were stuck underneath the steering wheel, and she appeared to be unable to move them.
Her expression changed from confused to panicked as she quickly became aware of the situation.
"It's okay," he said. "I'm here. Don't worry."
"M-Mia?" her voice was raspy, her throat dry.
"She's fine," he assured her. "Stay there May, I'm going to get you out," he promised, looking into her half-dazed, half-hysteric blue eyes.
"No," she said weakly, her face grimacing. She swallowed hard. "Get Mia. Get her safe, then come back for me."
"But-"
"Ash, please, I'll be okay," she breathed in deeply.
"I won't leave you," he promised her.
"Ash!" he heard Misty's panicked calls as she ran over to the car. Her blue-green eyes were wide with fright as she looked through the sunroof. "Oh my God…"
"Misty, I can't get Mia out of her baby seat. The seatbelt is stuck. Do you have a pair of scissors?" he called, his voice hoarse from yelling over the rain. Misty was gone in an instant, and he moved back to Mia and tugged on her seatbelt a few more times, pulling it as hard as he could. Mia's petrified cries tore his heart apart.
"It's okay," he repeated over and over, glancing over at May every few seconds.
"Don't fall asleep, May!" he called desperately. "Stay with me okay! Keep talking!"
"Okay," a feeble voice replied.
"I love you, May," he called, feeling tears sting his eyes. "I love you and I'm sorry! I didn't mean any of the things I said."
His heart beat with dread as no reply came, nothing but the rain.
"Me either Ash," came her small voice a few moments later.
Misty returned a second later, glancing in through the sunroof despairingly.
"This is all I could find, I'm sorry," she reached through the car and handed him a pair of cosmetic scissors. He had no time to examine them, they would have to do. He started cutting the seatbelt, desperately trying to drive the blunt blade through the thick material.
"May! May, open your eyes, ok? Don't close them, say something to me, it's Misty!" Misty had read Ash's mind, and was climbing through the car. She put her hand over the seat and took hold of May's hand, shaky and cold. The sickening smell of gas was cutting through the rain-soaked air, adding another pang of fear to Misty's already distressed mind.
As though reading her mind, Ash cut more frantically, panicking in the silence that followed Misty's request.
"Hi Misty…" May's voice finally came, even quieter now. "Ha-have you said yes yet?"
Misty's heart lurched.
"Not yet," she replied.
"You should," May said and then paused, letting out a very quiet groan. Misty was just about to speak when May continued, "Gary loves you, you shouldn't be afraid."
"I know," Misty's voice wavered, she could tell May was in a lot of pain. She looked desperately back at Ash, who was barely halfway through the seatbelt. He kept glancing over at her, his face painted with agony.
Looking around, Misty tried to find a way they could get May out of the car. Where were those paramedics?
"You think so?" Misty kept the conversation going, even if she was a little uncomfortable about the topic.
"I know so," May disguised a cry of pain with a laugh. "I can tell, I can see it in the way he looks at you."
"How did you know Ash was the one for you?" she asked, though she already knew the answer.
"I just knew," she replied, her lips turning up in a pained smile as Ash let out a desperate cry of desperation in the back. "I knew I would do anything for him, and he would do anything for me," her voice wavered. "Is Mia okay, Misty?"
Misty glanced over at Ash.
"She looks okay, just scared."
"Good. I just want her to be okay."
"You're both going to be okay," Misty insisted, squeezing May's hand.
"Got it!" Misty glanced back at Ash, who pulled the seatbelt apart and took his screaming daughter from the seat.
"He's got her out," Misty could hear the distant sound of sirens through the pounding rain.
"Good," May smiled through her grimace. She closed her eyes, biting her lip to stifle the pain.
"I'll be right back, May," she squeezed May's hand once more and let go, backing out of the car so that Ash could move forward. Ash handed Mia to Misty, who took the baby in her arms. The sirens were getting louder and louder. She could see red and blue lights in the distance. They were close now.
"May," Ash reached over the seat, stroking her blood-stained hair. "May, it's going to be okay. We're going to get you out of here."
"I love you, Ash," her voice was barely a breath, barely a whisper. Her blue eyes were filled with tears. She was afraid, but she was desperately grasping for any scrap of bravery she could reach.
"I love you too," Ash took her hand and squeezed it, kissing it tenderly. He glanced behind him, out into the dark night. He too had heard the sirens, and he could see the flash of red and blue lights fast approaching through the thick rain. Finally feeling some relief wash through him, he turned back to his wife.
"The paramedics are-" Ash paused mid-sentence. His heart seemed to stop, he was frozen, eyes the only thing moving as they gazed frantically at May's closed eyes and her unmoving body.
"May?" his voice came out as a choked sob as it got caught somewhere in his throat. He felt himself shaking. He could hear voices behind him.
"May," he called again, moving his body as far over the seat as he could to get to her. He grasped her petite arm, shaking it gently, calling her name over and over. "Mr Ketchum!" he heard a male voice call from behind him. He didn't turn around, he couldn't tear his eyes away from May, skin getting paler by the second, eyes remaining closed.
"Mr Ketchum! Please, you need to come out so we can attend to your wife. We need to get her out of the car now."
The voice was as clear as daylight but it was like a distant echo to Ash. He knew the man was there, but he couldn't turn, couldn't make sense of what he was saying.
"Mr Ketchum!"
His heart lurched as he called his wife, begged her to open her eyes, he wouldn't give up, he would not lose her. She was everything. She was his everything.
Misty watched, horrified as the paramedic pulled Ash from the car. Sitting in the shelter of the ambulance, the swirl of the red and blue lights lighting up the night and the echo of the siren ringing through the air, she clutched little Mia. The little baby was still whimpering. Misty wrapped her tighter into her jacket, shivering from the cold despite oddly not really feeling it. One paramedic was holding on to Ash, who was screaming out, trying desperately to writhe out of his grip. But the man was bigger than Ash, and he managed to keep him away from the vehicle. The other man was inside the car, pulling out the seat with an array of tools. He went to the other side and got the windshield out, it fell to the ground with a crunch of smashing glass and gravel.
It took them another fifteen minutes or so to get May out, but by then, it was too late.
She was gone.
And their world was broken apart.
Ash was inconsolable. Misty was overcome. She still held on to little Mia as though letting her go would mean losing her too. Unable to stop shaking, she tried to calm herself, to find her way through the shock, like an overwhelming darkness that was easily defeating any courage she had left inside of her. As they walked through the doors of the hospital a nurse rushed over to them. A doctor grabbed Ash and took him away while the nurse tried to take Mia, but Misty could not let her go. She had to take care of her, for Ash. The nurse treated them both together. Mia had no injuries, and Misty was in shock, but she couldn't think about herself for a second. She had to find Ash, had to see him. She stared down at the baby in her arms, at her wild black hair inherited from her father, and her blue eyes from her mother. They looked up at her with such innocence, innocence that knew no wrong. An innocent child had been robbed of her mother tonight. Only just one year old, Mia would never know May's kindness or love, and May would never get to see her daughter grow up.
Misty could no longer stop the tears. They gushed from her eyes as every part of her trembled. The nurse rushed over and started making observations. Misty pushed her away.
"I need to see Ash," she requested in a tone that told the nurse she was not taking no for an answer.
The room was dark and cold. The smell of clinical supplies filled the air. Ash sat on the small white bed, his head in his hands as his mess of sopping wet jet black hair spilled from under them. At 24 years old, Ash was tall and well-built, but right now he looked more like a broken, frail child. He did not acknowledge Misty's presence, she wasn't even sure he had noticed her walk into the room.
"Ash?" her voice was small and unsteady, her lip would not stop quivering. She felt as though she was in some sort of horrific nightmare, the type that you woke up from in a startled mess of tears and were relieved to find that it wasn't real. But nobody was going to feel that relief wash over them tonight. It was real. It was too real.
Ash raised his head to look up at Misty and his daughter, whom Misty still clutched tightly. His chocolate eyes were shadowed with disbelief. Misty took a few steps toward him and sat down on the bed beside him. Not a word was spoken as she handed Mia to him, and he held his little girl in his arms, gazing down at her blue eyes, eyes that belonged to her mother…to his wife…to May.
"She…she was just there, Misty…" he spoke as if in a daze, as though lost in a maze of questions with no exit. "I couldn't save her…"
Misty raised her hand to place it tenderly around his shoulder. There were no words she could say, unless they could turn back time.
"I said horrible things… I let her go into the storm and I didn't stop her. Why didn't I stop her?"
Misty tightened her grip around him. His whole body was shaking, racked by silent sobs. He was falling apart beside her, and all she could do was let him.
"She's gone, Mist… She's really gone…"
His tears fell onto Mia's pink blanket as he clutched her to his chest. The pain was excruciating. His throat was burning, his chest was heaving and his heart was breaking. Ash felt as though he was himself, dying. Or perhaps he was just wishing that he could. It was like being trapped in a tiny room with no hope of escape. There was nothing he could do now. May was gone forever. There was no way he could get her back. Death was painful, and death was permanent.
Two hours later, Misty stumbled out of the room, her bloodshot eyes gazing ahead into nothing as she fell onto one of the plastic waiting chairs in the dim corridor. She had no idea what time it was, but it must have been late because there was no one around. Her head hit the plastic arm as she curled up on the chair, bringing her knees to her chin and holding herself tightly. She felt completely lost and devastated and in total disbelief all at the same time. There were so many thoughts and feelings and emotions circling her mind that she was unable to focus on anything. She was merely there, existing but not seeing, breathing but not feeling anything. Everything was messed up. Everything was wrong.
She closed her eyes tightly, feeling another wave of emotion wash over her. She couldn't hold it in, and tears converged and dripped down her face. She wiped them away but they were only replaced by more, so she stopped bothering. When they stopped flowing, she was left with an uncomfortable sense of numbness, as though she could feel nothing at all, as though she had nothing left to give. She closed her eyes and pulled herself tighter, and laid still and unfeeling for perhaps half an hour, she didn't know, when she heard a sound in the silent corridor. Footsteps, rushed, looking for someone. The nurse, she thought, but as they got closer there was something familiar about them. They kept coming towards her, and then abruptly stopped. Misty opened her eyes and raised her head from its uncomfortable resting place.
Her heart lurched.
Gary.
He stood gazing at her, his spikes of mahogany hair matted from the rain. His face was painted with anguish, dark green eyes afraid to see what was in front of him, brow creased with concern and face pale from fear.
He ran to her, pulling her into his arms in a sweep of tender emotion. She became almost limp in his grasp, letting him carry the brunt of her pain, for she no longer had the strength to bear it. A choked sob escaped her.
"G-Gary. It's awful. I can't believe it. May-"
"I know," he spoke quietly, pulling her tighter into his embrace. She was shaking violently and unable to stop herself from doing so. He did not let her go until she stopped, and then he set her down on the chair beside him, still keeping his arms around her. She laid her head on his shoulder, staring ahead bleakly. He intertwined his hand with hers, and a few minutes later, she was asleep.
Life was hard. Sometimes it was hard to see the point of it. Sometimes days would melt into weeks which would melt into months. It was only when Mia reached some new milestone that Ash realised time was passing. But time was passing without May, and he felt the emptiness that was once her love and compassion every second of every day. He went on – he had to, he had a daughter who depended on him, who needed him – but he was never the same, just a mere broken shadow of the man he used to be.
Ash's mother Deliah and Mia's Godparents, Misty and Gary, had been there every second of every day for him, but not even his closest family or friends could come close to filling the emptiness that lay inside him, like a permanent scar, a hole so deep he wondered if he would ever be able to emerge from it. Perhaps the hardest people to face were May's mother, father and brother, Max. They were so shattered that Misty cried for an hour after witnessing their heart-wrenching meeting with Ash.
May was the love of Ash's life. She was everything to him. They had met as children and fallen in love as teenagers, and now married and with their beautiful child, they were looking forward to so much together. Now all of their plans were suddenly turned to dust, all because of one night, and one mistake. Ash rolled it over and over in his head - if only he had stopped himself from arguing with her, if only he had stopped her from leaving, if only he had realised that being without her was a million times worse than whatever it was they were arguing about. If only he had told her he loved her instead, because he did, he loved her more than any words could express, and yet, that night, he didn't say it. The cruel words he spoke instead were the last words he spoke to her before the crash. Did she lie there, thinking he didn't love her? Did she take in the feeble apologies and the declaration of love he spoke desperately to her as she lay dying? Somehow, it didn't seem enough. If he could only have one more moment with her, he could tell her how much he loved her, and how much he needed her. But such a thing was impossible. Instead, he felt as though he was stuck in this place between the past, where he wanted to remain, and the future, which forces beyond his control were pushing him towards.
Ash barely slept, and when he did his dreams were violent swirls of the night May died, of her head, messy with blood, of the desperate look in her eyes, of his frantic attempts to set Mia free and rush to save her. Each time, he was too late. Even in his dreams, he was too late.
In the coming weeks, Ash was visited by an array of friends and acquaintances. His mother had been staying with him, just so she could check on him every second of every day, Ash thought, but he didn't mind. He liked the company, and having his mother around was comforting, though he could barely feel it amongst everything else. Brock, his best friend, had stayed for a few days. Ash really appreciated this because he knew Brock was busy with his Medical Practice. Brock was always full of knowledge and he knew the answer to everything, but not this. Nobody could answer that revolving question of why this happened.
Anyone could see that Ash was not coping with May's death. He was pushing it all inside, his eyes looked so lifeless half the time he looked like the living dead, as though he was a robot just working away emotionlessly. When he was alone, though, he would cry. Misty could hear it, and it broke her heart. How would he ever be the same after this? How would any of them?
Misty watched one night as Ash cradled Mia in his arms, trying to get her to fall asleep. He rocked her gently from side to side, whispering to her quietly. His voice appeared to have a soothing effect on her, and she settled almost instantly.
"Your mum loves you, Mia. I know she's still here, somewhere. I wish we could see her. I'm sorry you won't ever get to know her. She was beautiful, just like you, and smart and an amazing person. One day, when you understand, I'll tell you all about her," Ash's voice buckled as he placed Mia carefully in the crib. He picked up a little pink stuffed elephant – the first toy May had bought for her – and placed it beside her. Mia fell asleep almost instantly as Ash stood over the crib, placing his hand over his mouth as a fresh onslaught of tears attacked him. A choked sob escaped him, and Misty had to fight to remain calm as she watched him cry. As silent tears fell from her blue-green eyes, she felt a hand grasp hers. Gary pulled her away from the upsetting scene and pulled her into his arms.
"I just want to do something…but there's n-nothing."
"You're here…and that's what counts." Misty nodded into his chest, laying her head against the soft material of his black t-shirt.
The past weeks had been the darkest of Ash's life, and she had been there through every tear, every sudden outburst of anger, every moment of anguish and pain, and she was exhausted. Physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted.
Gary led her over to the couch in the living room where he sat her down beside him, leaving his arm around her small frame, even smaller now with the weight she had lost from the emotional stress and trauma she had been under. Misty leaned into Gary's arms, letting herself feel the comfort that his presence always provided, and where she always felt safe.
It wasn't only that she was exhausted, Misty felt trapped by her emotions. In being Ash's support and carrying his baggage she had discarded her own, not letting herself fully feel the effects of that night, of May's untimely death, or of seeing it all unfold in front of her eyes. She couldn't, there was no room for it amongst the grief she shouldered for Ash. Gary was deeply worried about her; he wanted to take her to see a grief counselor, and she appreciated his concern but there was no time. She told him she was fine, and she half believed it sometimes, but often, she got the feeling that she didn't know how much longer she could do it before she would fall apart.
But she couldn't let herself do that, Ash was her closest friend, she had known him longer than anybody she knew aside from her family. He practically was family. What he was going through made her insides turn, she couldn't believe it was happening to him, to them. She would have entire moments where she was convinced it was all a horrid nightmare, and she would fall further and further with each realisation that it wasn't.
Ash visited May's grave frequently. He would take flowers - roses were always her favourite - and sit within the eerie silence of the cemetery, thinking that he shouldn't be there, that this wasn't how their lives were supposed to be. Guilt still stung him, like a knife jabbing into his heart, because he knew that if he hadn't been so stupid and stubborn, May would not have been in the car that night. He would carry that guilt with him, like a cloud over his head, for the rest of his life. He would never get over it, he would never get over her. One day he might be able to smile again, sleep again, breathe again, but like a shadow her death would always follow him.
Ash looked at her headstone. 'May Ketchum', it read, 'Loving daughter, sister, mother, friend, and now, angel.'
That was how he wanted to remember her. Not trapped inside that car, dying while he watched on helplessly, but as the beautiful, incredible woman she was. It was all he could do to preserve her memory.
Now, memories were all he had.
The End
My writing is deeply inspired by the music I listen to, and the following songs were my help in writing this story:
Map of the Problematique - Muse
Endlessly - Muse
Now That You're Gone – Ryan Adams
Lessons Learned – Ray LaMontagne
God Bless the Child – Michelle Featherstone
Burning In The Skies – Linkin Park
Blackout – Muse
Possibility – Lykke Li
Timshel – Mumford and Sons
Last Kiss – Taylor Swift
Hey Now – Augustana
Sigh No More – Mumford and Sons
I Gave You All – Mumford and Sons
She Has No Time – Keane
Love Is The End – Keane
The story title is the name of the album by Wakey!Wakey.
I would love to hear your comments, so pretty please leave me a review and let me know what you thought of this. I know it was super sad, so I'm sorry if you're crying!