blind
[ look closer, because... ]
ねぇ君は今だれを想っているの?
私は君を想っているよ
"Yukimura-kun, please don't push yourself too hard."
"Yukimura-kun, you're being too reckless!"
"Yukimura-kun, I know I'm right in trusting you."
"Yukimura-kun, please... don't do this..."
"Yukimura-kun, I've always..."
"Yukimura-kun..."
"I..."
I awoke suddenly, sweating all over. It was... it was cold. The weather was, but I'm sure... the source of this cold that I'm feeling, this cold that seemed like it's piercing my heart to its core, this pain... it was something else. My hand felt numb; the usually-fluffy bed felt like it was made of concrete. It was excruciating; the pain was... unbearable.
And then I asked myself, am I the one inflicting this pain to myself?
"Nice to meet you," you said, as you smiled and offered your hand. We were both middle schoolers at the time, and I am well aware that I wasn't the friendliest out of the bunch.
"..."
You looked at me with your innocent, bright-lit eyes, "Do you not feel like talking?"
"No," I replied simply, unable to look at you in the eye. I wasn't the keenest when it came to feelings either, but... I was sure that if I saw you eye-to-eye, I would come to regret it later.
Wordless, you took my hand in yours—that proved to be effective, as I jolted and, unvoluntarily, looked up.
"I should've known," you said, "You were in pain..."
I was not sure how to react.
"I'm sorry for not noticing sooner."
—But you've just met me...
"I'm sorry."
—Stop apologizing...
...It was my own fault.
If you saw me in this wrecked state I am in, you would no doubt rush to my side, whispering calming words in a hushed tone—as if you were talking to a child who have just seen a nightmare—trying your best to help me. It was always that way.
And I wondered,
Could I... turn back time?
嬉しくなるのも切なくさせるのも
いつでも理由は君だけだよ
"Yukimura-kun, sorry, I'm going back first."
"Do as you like."
"I'm sorry."
Had I noticed how strange it is that you had skipped school much often, would it change anything?
"Good bye, Yukimura-kun,"
"...?"
"I'll always be wishing you luck."
"...You're being strange today,"
"Am I? Haven't I always been strange, though?"
"...Point taken," after a few moments, I then added, "It's not like we wont meet each other tomorrow."
"...Yes... We would... meet each other again tomorrow."
Had I noticed that your tone ever-so-slightly dropped that time, would I try to chase your back?
ねぇ何しても君に会いたくなるよ
I was always foolish.
I could never be honest to you... to myself, to anyone. I was always as thick as a brick, I was always ignoring my own feelings. Perhaps I did it subconsciously; perhaps I just do not want to feel 'betrayed' once again.
Or perhaps...
I am just a fool.
"Good bye...
...Hyouga-kun..."
The words written on the paper were still fresh on my mind; your slightly messy handwriting, the words that weight more than it looks like...
And how I was... blind.
「人は盲目。だから。。。」
You've always been there for me,
Yet I've never been there for you.
You've always stayed by my side,
Yet I've never stayed by your side.
You've been fighting off the darkness alone, the one that was always cornering you,
Yet I've never known anything about it.
You've always been helping me fighting off the loneliness I had in my heart,
Yet I've never helped you in anything.
I'm a fool, I'm such a fool.
Yet what can I do?
I'm merely a blind, blind fool.
どうしてこの気持ち抑え切れないの?
A lot of this is up to interpretation. I don't mind reading yours, so share them. Lines are taken from the song "Nee", the opening to "Hiiro no Kakera". The song's very great and it's been on my mind recently. Apparently, that song amplified my angstiness by a lot.