a/n: This just it. I own nothing. I know that Shikamaru is a boy in the manga and such. Big deal, I wanted him to be a girl. Also Asuma is alive because I wish it to be so. Don't like, too bad. Feel free to leave a review. I would be interested in reading your thoughts.
This is the prologue!
Once again I found myself thinking about that day. The meeting that changed everything. I never believed that I would leave Konoha, other than for missions of course. Yet, here I am, exiled by choice to Suna. I don't even like the desert. It has been almost two years since I was back in the forest town I grew up in. I don't believe that I'll ever return. For the most part I've been able to put the past out of my mind. I'm the chief strategist for the Kasakage. No mission gets sent out until I've been through the files and gotten the plan together. Now, laying in this hospital bed, there is nothing to distract me. Gaara isn't allowing me any work. Nothing to stress me out or keep me from resting. Knowing that I can't stop the memories this time, I get ready for the pain remembering will cause.
Ino, Choji, and I had been called into the Hokage's office along with most of the rookie nine. The only ones not in attendance were Neji, Lee, and TenTen. Lee and Neji were on a mission to Wave and TenTen was in the hospital recovering.
"I'll make this brief." Tsunaede said. "Sasuke has been spotted near the Sound village. I want a team ready to go in an hour." Right away the noise started. Naruto and Sakura were both excited to have yet another chance to bring home their friend. Ino was just happy to see Sasuke. Choji and Hinata were happy to help the village in any way. Kiba was happy to have another chance to prove himself to his mother. Only Shino and I remained silent.
"Tsunade-sama" I said. She looked at me and waited for me to speak. "I do not wish to be part of this mission." Behind me the others began yelling the obvious questions. Why, what's wrong with you, are you crazy, things to that extent.
"Explain yourself Shikamaru." Tsunade demanded.
"I believe it is a waste of time, effort, and life. I see no reason to risk the lives of loyal ninja, once again, to retrieve someone who left on his own choice. Sasuke does not want to return to Konoha. He has proven this time and time again. The first time we went after him, Neji, Kiba, Choji, Akamaru, and Naruto almost died. The second time myself, Ino, Hinata, and Shino almost died. The third time Naruto, I, Sakura, Sai, and Yamato almost died. Why is bringing Sasuke back so important? How many lives is he worth? He will only come back if he decides to. And he is a traitor to the Leaf. Why is he worth so much more than we are to the village?" I stopped to take a much needed breath. Tsunade was looking at me wide eyed with shock. I knew if I turned I would find the same expression on the faces of my friends.
"That may be the most I've ever heard you say Shikamaru." Tsunade said. "I didn't know you could feel so strongly about anything." Before I could say anything else, the people behind me started yelling again. It was a jumbled mass of voices. The high points being, Ino and Sakura calling me a coward, a traitor, and a loser; things in that vein. Hinata and Choji were questioning my mental health. Kiba asking if I was really Shikamaru. Naruto and Shino remained quiet.
"All of you shut the hell up!" Tsunade bellowed. It was so quite you could hear people passing in the street below. "Tsunade-sama." I continued, "Unless you directly order me to, I would like to refuse any mission involving the retrieval of Sasuke."
"I'll have to think about this, Shikamaru." She replied. "You are my best at planning and strategy. I wanted you to lead this mission."
After a long pause, she spoke again, "Alright, Shino, Kiba, Naruto, Sakura, and Hinata, you will be the team going after Sasuke." Tsunade decided. "Shino will be on point as he is the most level headed person amoung you other than Shikamaru." And before any of you argue, he is also the most skilled and highly trained one here. Everyone other than Shikamaru is dismissed. You have a mission to prepare for and the rest of you, go train." Tsunade demanded.
While waiting for the others to disperse, I began to wonder what was left to be said. I had made my stance on the matter clear. What was left to be talked through? Was I to be stripped of my chunin status? Punished or chastised in some way? A loud slam brought me back to focus. "Shikamaru. "She began. "Why is this the first I'm hearing about your dislike for the missions I give you? Why have you not spoken up sooner?"
"I wasn't sure how to broach the subject." I paused, "Ever since Sasuke left, the village has been obsessed with bringing him home." I consider myself to be as much of a team player as I can be, however, it has become clear to me that rescuing or retrieving him is impossible. I have watched while good men and women risk their lives for him, and not only does he not care, he tries to kill them. The people he once swore to protect. I have lead two of the retrieval missions and both times came close to losing not only my team but my friends. I just don't see how throwing away the lives of the ninja of this village to bring him home make any sense. I can see at least twenty or more steps ahead of any given plan, this baffles me. As I lay in the hospital after the last mission to bring Sasuke back, I knew that I couldn't be a part of another one. Sasuke has done more damage to the wellbeing and morale of the rookie nine than I think he knows. While I'm sure he knows about the damage he did to his former teammates, the harm he caused the rest of us is unknown to him. The problem is, how do you retrieve somebody who doesn't want to be retrieved? Even if we were somehow able to bring Sasuke back to Konoha, how would we keep him here? Would he be locked up, under house arrest, stuck with a babysitter until we could be sure that he wouldn't run again? How many lost lives will be enough? When will it become clear that Sasuke cannot be saved?"
Tsunade looked at me with what seemed to be a mixture of shock and awe. I knew I had taken her by surprise. I had taken myself by surprise. I had known for some time that I was not happy with the focus on returning Sasuke to Konoha. I was not prepared, however, for all I had been thinking to spew out like this. I stepped back from the desk to wait for my leader's response.
"I'm not sure what to say or do here Shikamaru." Tsunade stated, "All of this coming from you is a shock, and I'm not sure how to handle the situation right now. Go home and let me think for a few days. I'll call you back in when I have a solution. You will not be sent on any missions until we next speak. You are not being punished or anything like that. No laws have been broken, no rules stretched. I just need some time to figure out how to put this to the Elders."
I was then dismissed. I knew that I would now have to explain myself to a much tougher crowd. How do I go about telling my closest friends and the ninja I worked with most my reasons for giving up on a former friend? I pondered this as I walked the hallway, down the stairs, and toward the door. As I opened the door to leave the building I expected many things. Getting punched was not one of them. Yet there I was, sitting in the doorway, rubbing my check. I looked up to see Ino being held back by Choji. I've known her all my life and I have never seen her so angry. Choji looked at me with the strangest expression. A cross between sadness and disappointment. I stood up, spit out the blood, and tried to explain.
"Ino, Choji," I began. I was cut off before I could say any more. Sakura stepped forward.
"Don't even try Shikamaru!" She yelled, "How could you turn your back on a friend? What gives you the right to decide if we bring Sasuke home? Calling him a traitor, saying trying to help him is a waste! You're just lucky Ino got to you first!"
She paused for breath, clenching her fists. I looked around at the faces in front of me. All but Sai looked sad and angry, with a little disappointment thrown in for fun. I looked up and the clouds and muttered my usual "troublesome." Not the smartest thing I could have done. Next thing I knew I was back on the ground. Only this time I was in the hallway wall. Sakura packs one hell of a punch. I sat there, waiting for my vision to clear. I wondered if my jaw was broken. I knew my nose was, and maybe my cheek. It was for certain that I had a concussion. By now we had drawn a crowd. Yelling and loud crashes tend to do that in ninja villages. I attempted to stand. It didn't go well. Luckily, before I could fall on my face, someone took hold of my shoulders. I looked over to see the blurry form of Umino Iruka, our academy teacher. He did not look pleased. His right eye was twitching in a disturbing manner.
"Steady there Shikamaru." He said, "Don't try to move. You're bleeding and I need to get you to the hospital."
I reached up and touched the back of my head. My fingers came away bloody. I looked at my hand for a moment, almost as though I thought the blood would vanish. It didn't. I looked over at Sakura and the others in shock. I had expected anger. I was a genius after all. But being attacked? I was having trouble wrapping my head around it.
" I want to know why you would attack a fellow ninja and villager Sakura." Iruka demanded. "And the fact that you two would stand there and let this happen, I am ashamed to have been your teacher if this is how you behave."
Sakura and Ino just stood there, shaking with rage. Choji looked away as if he wanted to be elsewhere. Sai spoke for the first time since the meeting.
"Umino-san" He said, " Ino threw the first punch. Then Sakura yelled at Shika-chan. Shika-chan muttered something, then Sakura punched her through the wall. Then you came up and here we are."
Choji then spoke up. He turned to look at both Iruka and I. He would not look directly at me.
"Iruka-san, we just came from a meeting with the Hokage. Shikamaru said some things that have upset all of us. We waited here to talk to her about it. But the longer we waited the more angry Ino and Sakura became." Choji paused to take a breath. Iruka asked what the meeting was about. I spoke up before the others could.
"We were called before Tsunade-sama to discuss another mission to retrieve Sasuke." I said slowly, "I told them that I was not interested in any missions that involved bringing him back to Konoha. I told them I thought it was a waste of man power. I stand by what I said. Enough blood has been shed by the loyal ninja of Konoha in his name."
Once I finished speaking I started to sit back down. I had grown dizzy. Iruka spoke again.
"Everyone is entitled to their opinion. You don't get to attack them simply because you disagree or it makes you mad. You accept their views and talk your problems through. This is what I believed I had taught you". Iruka paused there. "While I can see why Shikamaru believes this, I also understand how it would upset some of the others is the rookie nine. It does not, however, excuses attacking her. I am very disappointed in you three." Iruka finished.
He then helped me back up and off to the hospital we went. It didn't take long for the medic-nin to heal the damage. I had a fractured cheek, broken nose, split lip, concussion, and a small skull fracture. Iruka stayed with me until the medic was done. Iruka then walked me home. It was quite for a few moments. I waited for him to speak first. I didn't have to wait long.
"Do you really think that bringing Sasuke home is a waste?" Iruka asked, "I realize that his leaving looks like a betrayal of the Leaf Village, however, we know that he has a reason he believes is valid. He has not done anything that has landed him in the bingo book. Don't you think we should keep trying to get through to him? Make sure he knows that killing Itachi won't bring his clan back."
I pondered my response. While Iruka make a valid point, I knew mine was also valid. I wanted to get my words in order before I spoke. We walked for about ten minutes before I spoke.
"I don't believe that there is anything we can do or say to bring Sasuke back. He is not interested in avenging his clan. He wants revenge. Against Itachi for the massacre of his family. Against Naruto for being stronger, more able to overcome hardships and adapt then he is. Against the village for trying to stop him from gaining the power he believes he deserves. If it were just about avenging his clan he would not have gone to Orochimaru. He would have stayed to train with Kakashi-san. When fighting us, he would trap us or something to that effect. Not try to kill us. To keep sending us out after him is an insult. The elders are telling us that Sasuke is more important to Konoha then we are. That his life is worth more than ours is. What kind of message is that to send out to your ninja? I can no longer place Sasuke above my friends. I don't want to wait in the hospital to find out if they will survive. I've come close to losing my dearest friends to Sasuke too many times. I've come close to death myself twice because of him. I won't give him another drop of my blood. I can't do it any longer. I won't"
We stopped talking and I realized that we were at the memorial stone. I looked up and started reading the names listed there.
"I don't want to read the names of my precious people on this stone because of Sasuke. I don't want my name here because of him either." I said softly.
I stood there tracing the names of my grandparents. I had never met them. They, like many others, had died the night the Kyuubi attacked. Iruka placed his hands on my shoulders and looked down at me.
"I understand why you made this choice and I will support you." He said, "I don't completely agree but I will not try to change your mind. We have to let Tsunade-sama know what happened between you all."
I began to shake my head.
"There is no need." I protested. "I believe that they will work through the anger. We can then talk about it, without me getting hit. I trust my friends and I think shock is the reason for their actions. I want to put this behind us."
I took a few moments but I convinced Iruka to let me deal with this disagreement my way. We then headed to my family home. Iruka insisted that he make sure I made it there alright. Once inside I made some tea and went to lay down to rest. I could not shut down my mind. The events of the day kept spinning through my head. I knew I had not done anything really wrong. While I could understand the anger shown by Sakura and Ino, the violence was shocking. Maybe not from Sakura, she hit Naruto all the time. Ino had never raised a hand in anger against anyone. Fighting on missions didn't count. Choji's reaction was giving me the most trouble. He was my closet friend. We had no secrets from each other. I had told him most of this already. Not to the extent I had at the meeting but the basic idea was talked about between the two of us. His refusal to even look at me was bothering me more than anything else. I knew I had to speak with him before I would be able to sleep. I got up from my bed and headed downstairs. I heard the door open before I reached the landing. It was my mother. Not what I needed right now. My head already hurt and she can nag better than anyone. I waved to her as I made my way out the door. I told her where I was going and that I'd be home later. Making my way to Choji's house I wondered if Ino would be there. If they were both calm enough to listen. I really didn't want to get hit again. It took me about fifteen minutes to get to his place. I knocked on the door and waited. It didn't take long for the door to be opened. I looked up and saw that both Ino and Choji were at the door. I tried to smile up at them. I think it feel flat.
"Can we talk?" I asked them, "I want to explain why I said the things I did at the meeting."
Choji nodded and they both moved to the side so I could enter the living room. We all took a seat and stared at each other for a few moments. I reached up and rubbed the back of my neck.
"Look, I know that this is a shock to you," I started, "But, I have felt this way for a while. I haven't said anything because I was unsure about how it would be received. It went worse than I anticipated. Choji, I've told you before some of what I brought up at the meeting today. Why were you so upset?" I asked.
Choji responded. "I knew you were having issues with the tries to bring Sasuke home. I didn't realize that you had given up on him. Or that you viewed him as a lost cause. You led two of the missions to bring him home. It isn't like you to quit on anything. Even if it bores you or you find it troublesome, you finish it. It was like I was seeing a side of you that has been hidden for the 17 years we've known each other. I still don't know how to take it." He said.
Ino stood and walked over to the fireplace. She paused there, looking at a picture on the mantle. It was of the three of us the day we became a team. She let out a big sigh and turned to look at me.
"Shikamaru" She began, "I'm not going to ask if you meant what you said. I know you don't say what you don't mean. I'm not sure about Choji or the others but I can't support you in this." She stopped and brushed a lock of hair from her face. "I will not turn my back on Sasuke." Ino continued, "I will do whatever I can to bring him home. No matter the cost. He has lost his way, and as a friend, I must help him find his way back." She stopped nce again to play with her hair. "Have you thought about what Asuma-sensei will say about your little revelation?" she asked, "Do you think he will accept this? And what about Naruto, saying all of that in front of him, you know how he feels about bringing Sasuke home. It means more to him that anyone! Have you really thought about how many people you will be hurting, angering, or alienating? I don't even want to look at you right now. Imagine how the people closest to him will feel." Ino finished.
I sat there for a few minutes, hands poised in front of me, thinking. I knew Ino had a point. People were going to be angry and upset with me. Naruto and Sakura being the first to come to mind would their reactions sway me or change my mind? That was the big question. Would I let what the others wanted change what I knew to be the right choice for me? I knew my response would not please Ino. For once in my lazy life I was going to stand up and let my passion for what I believed in lead me. No matter the consequences.
"I am sorry that I seem to be letting you down, Ino," I said, "But I will not change my mind about this. I can no longer blindly follow orders that I don't believe in. I do not think that there is a way to bring Sasuke home. He left us and he is not coming back. I wish it were not so. If I thought that we could somehow manage to get Sasuke back to Konoha and to see reason to stop his need for revenge I would be the first to head after him. It will not happen. He has betrayed all the values that we hold dear as loyal ninja." I paused to take a breath. "If this decision makes it so I lose the people I call my friends, perhaps the friendship was not all that strong to begin with. If following my own heart makes it so they no longer respect me, then I have lost them and I will learn to live with that. I cannot make them see things from my view point if they won't listen. As for Asuma, he knows me well enough that he will respect my choice even if he doesn't agree. He taught us to think for ourselves and to put the village and its needs first. That is what I am doing. As for the rest, I will deal with the fallout as it comes. Even if I have to stand on my own. I will take my leave now. Please think on what I've said. You two are my closest friends. Remember that."
As I headed home I couldn't help but wonder what the next few weeks might have in store for me. I still had to talk to Asuma and Kakashi about the whole issue. I was also waiting for the Hokage to call me in and let me know about the elder's thoughts on the matter. Once I reached home I climbed the stairs to my room. Getting ready for bed I couldn't help but have the foolish and childish thought that everything would be better in the morning. I went to sleep not know that the next few months would show me how wrong I was. I was about to see a side of the people I had thought to be my friends I never thought they could possess. I didn't know that when I woke, my entire life would change.