I really have no good explanation for this. It was a gift for Skysalla, my Sammy, so some of the jokes are purely for her. It's totally cracked. But I hope you enjoy it.
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural. Spoilers for all four seasons.
Once upon a time, there lived a smokin' hottie named Deanerella. He lived with his Demon Soul-Keeper, Lilith, and her two Demon spawns, Joella and Belastasia, who everyone despised because they almost sorta might could have maybe possibly had a fling with Prince Sammy.
The Demon Soul-Keeper's Demon spawns were very mean to Deanerella because he had refused all their advances. So Lilith and her Demon spawns made Deanerella do evil work all day long, like stealing the neighbors' mail and scaring puppies and small children.
But what the Demon Soul-Keeper and her two Demon spawns didn't know was that Deanerella made up for these evil doings by taking in lonely stray fangirls and letting them gaze upon his beauty. He stood, manly and stoic like a Greek god, in front of the window in his run down motel room behind the Demon mansion so the light could hit him in all the right places, illuminating his gorgeous eyes, luscious lips, super sexy arms...fabulous hips...amazing legs..man did he make a pair of old jeans look incredible...
...
*cough* Oh, uh...where was I? *wipes mouth and adjusts glasses* Ah, yes.
Meanwhile, Prince Sammy had just arrived home from another research tournament, once again taking first place in smartest and hottest researcher in all the land (it was the sexy look of concentration whilst typing on his laptop that did it for the fangirl judges). King Winchester welcomed his son home, but he could see Prince Sammy was not happy, even after winning his tournament.
"But son, you've won the tournament. You're the best researcher in the whole kingdom. There are fangirls outside, scaling the palace walls right now."
Prince Sammy looked away. "Dad, it's just not enough. I'll never have the one thing I've always wanted."
King Winchester sighed in frustration. "You're the Prince, Sammy. What more could you want?"
A look of longing displayed across Prince Sammy's face. "A big brother, Dad. I've always wanted a big brother, who would tell me what to do, call me names, steal my birthday money...but most of all, a big brother who would totally sell his soul for me."
Another sigh. "Well, Sammy, this is the point where I'd usually tell you to quit your bitchin', but I know your mother wouldn't have wanted me to say something like that, so we'll just hold a royal Halloween party. We'll pretend you're looking for a wife, but you can secretly pick a big brother. This way, we'll get the fangirls all worked up and excited, but you won't really be getting married, so we won't lose the support of the D.E.A.N." (D.E.A.N., aka Deliriously Excited Adoring Nymphos, run by a stealth-like group called HIVE, who are always there, yet not...don't ask).
Sammy's face lit up with delight. "OMG Dad, I so hate you less than I did this morning!" And he ran off to start telling people what to do.
A few days later, back at the Demon mansion, Deanerella came home after a long day of stealing mail.
"It's about time, Deanerella. I've been waiting all day to see if YED's divorce papers went through," the Demon Soul-Keeper Lilith said, throwing Deanerella into the wall with her crazy demon magic after grabbing the mail from his hands. Deanerella just sighed.
"Demon Soul-Keeper," he started, taking a step forward and rubbing his aching shoulder (mmm shoulders *drool*). "Would it be alright if I skipped scaring the neighbor's children today and practiced my one-emo-tear-of-doom cry?"
Lilith burst into laughter, still pawing through the mail. "Silly Deanerella. Don't make me send you down to Hell for a few days to remind you who's boss."
Deanerella shuddered. Hell was the last place he wanted to go. Last time he was there, he had to sit through the 24 hour marathon of A Christmas Story on TNT. Except in Hell time, it was more like a month. Not pleasant.
But Deanerella was broken from his painful memories of Hell when Lilith gasped, calling, "Belastasia! Joella! Get in here now, you freaking worthless skanks!"
The two Demon spawns burst through the doorway, pulling each other's hair. Joella winked at Deanerella, who just cringed.
"Listen up, hos," Lilith said, slapping their hands off each other. "Prince Sammy is having a Halloween party tonight and he's going to choose a wife. You little whores need to pretty yourselves up because I want his damn soul, and this is the best way to get it!"
Deanerella chimed in. "A Halloween party? Can I go too, Demon Soul-Keeper?"
Joella and Belastasia laughed as Lilith said, "Of course not. You need to scare some kids, or it's back to A Christmas Story for you. And you two," she rounded on Belastasia and Joella. "Go dress yourselves like hookers, we leave in ten."
Everyone left the room as Deanerella let one tear escape his left eye, looking emotional and hot as all get out in the fading daylight. He really wanted to go to the party and meet some hot chicks, but it was no use. Resigning himself to another long night of making children cry, Deanerella left the mansion with his head hanging low. His stray fangirls were crying with him as he made his way across the yard. Suddenly he smelled burning rubber. Turning sharply at the sound of an old cranking motor, Deanerella watched as a beat up piece of crap car nobody could identify materialized out of thin air.
"What the hell?" Deanerella said out loud, throwing out a protective and heroic arm across his stray fangirls, one of whom fainted at the sight of his biceps.
The sight that greeted Deanerella was an alarming one. Out of the jacked up car emerged an older man in a sparkling cloak and a trucker hat.
"Hey there Deanerella, I'm your fairy Bobmother. I'm here to grant you your wish."
Deanerella furrowed his eyebrows. "My...you're who?"
The fairy Bobmother came over and smacked Deanerella with his trucker hat. "You heard me, ya idjit, now get over here." And he pulled out a colt.
Deanerella began backing up. "Oh, uh, heh...that's alright sir. I-I think I'll just..."
"Oh quit your whinin', this ain't gonna hurt." And the fairy Bobmother pointed the colt and shot.
A miraculous thing took place then. Deanerella's rags were turned into fabulous jeans, a hot, sexy, crisp white shirt and that freaking amazing red flannel shirt he wore in season one, complete with bad-ass leather jacket and boots. A little stubble grew on his face, too, to make him extra gorgeous.
Fangirls began dropping left and right.
Deanerella gazed at his reflection in the window of the Demon mansion. "Wow. I look sexy." Yet another fangirl passed out.
"You just need one more thing," the fairy Bobmother said, searching. "You got any pumpkins 'round here?"
"Pumpkins?"
"Yeah, I know it's a bit cliche, but you got any better ideas?"
"I'll be right back," Deanerella said, heading into the mansion, only to emerge a moment later.
"We got squash," he said with a shrug. The fairy Bobmother shrugged too.
"Works for me. Put it over there."
Deanerella did as he was told. The fairy Bobmother took his magic colt and shot the squash.
An amazing transformation took place right before Deanerella's very eyes. The squash turned into a super awesome black 1967 Chevy Impala. Deanerella's eyes welled with tears of joy, and the last remaining fangirl's lip quivered before she, too, dropped to the floor.
"Now," the Bobmother said, urging Deanerella forward, "keep in mind that all the magic ends at 2 am."
"2 am? That's a bit random," Deanerella said as he sat behind the wheel.
"Don't question it," the Bobmother said with a wave of his hand. "Have fun. I'll clean up this fangirl mess."
And so Deanerella drove off to the palace.
Speaking of the palace...
"Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad, God, this totally sucks! All these guys are freaking losers! What the hell?!" Prince Sammy whined, because this is season one and he's a whiny face in season one. He kicked another girl in the face when she came running over to him.
King Winchester sighed. "Sammy, you have to stop kicking these girls in the face. It's starting to look shady, and we can't afford to have D.E.A.N. find out what our true intentions are with this ball."
Sam groaned and ran pissy-faced out the doors. He was huffing and making general annoyed sounds when a super sexy car came roaring up the palace drive. Sam stopped and stared in awe.
The car came to a stop with Eye of the Tiger blaring from the open windows. A figure climbed out of the window (because that was so freaking hot) and hopped down onto the ground. Sammy continued to stare when the man walked up to him. Girls started materializing all around.
"Hi, I'm Deanerella," the man said, and two of the girls passed out just from hearing Deanerella's voice. Prince Sammy just stood with his mouth hanging wide.
Deanerella smiled, and another girl fell over with a loud sigh. "Mind telling me where the party is, kiddo?" he asked with a playful shove on Sammy's arm. That instant, Sammy knew that THIS was the brother he had always wanted.
"DAD! DAD! I FOUND HIM!" Prince Sammy shouted. King Winchester came running out with all the other guests following close behind.
"Sammy! Are you alright?" King Winchester asked as he ran up beside his son.
"God Dad, I'm freaking fine, stop getting all up in my face for crying out loud. Damn." Sammy pushed King Winchester's hand off his shoulder.
Suddenly, the evil Demon Soul-Keeper Lilith came bounding over. "What is this?! Deanerella?! You little bastard, you're going to ruin my plans!"
Deanerella stepped in front of Prince Sammy, guarding him.
"What the hell are you doing?" Lilith asked, annoyed.
Deanerella looked thoughtful. "I'm not sure, actually. I just feel this really strong urge to protect this boy." And so he stood there, the angst apparent all over his face. Sammy smiled wide.
"I FOUND HIM DAD, I FOUND THE GUY WHO'S GONNA BE MY BROTHER!" he cried.
"Ok, look, I don't have time for this crap," Lilith said, busting out the white ball of light and doom.
"I don't think so, bitch."
Suddenly again, out of nowhere, Castiel flew into the scene. Deanerella furrowed his eyebrows.
"This isn't how I pictured this going," he said with a tilt of his head.
Castiel shrugged. "Same here. But Sky kept poking Jenn with weird things and Jenn had to come up with some way to end this thing, because she didn't have any clue how she was going to do that in the first place."
Everyone nodded to each other and agreed.
"So..." Deanerella began and looked at Castiel. "Smite their asses?"
Castiel was about to nod when the Demon Soul-Keeper began to choke and sputter. Then she disappeared completely in a cloud of smoke.
"Huh," Castiel said with a shrug. "Didn't see that one coming."
Deanerella turned to see Prince Sammy standing with his hand outstreched. His angst face grew angstier.
Sammy opened his eyes. "She was starting to piss me off," he said.
"Prince Sammy, if you want me to be your brother, we're going to have to talk about that."
King Winchester interrupted. "Sammy, did I hear you right? You've chosen a brother?"
Prince Sammy nodded. "This super amazing guy right here, Dad. Now get the hell away from me."
King Winchester smiled fondly at his young son. "I'm so happy for you, Sammy. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go make this right with the D.E.A.N. girls. If only I knew how to identify those HIVE members..." And he wandered off.
Deanerella turned to his new little brother and looked at him with a gorgeous smile full of brotherly love (and doom). Any remaining women were nowhere to be seen, because they had all melted by then.
"I'm going to protect you, Sammy. I'll do anything for you. I'll sell my soul to make sure you're safe forever." He wrapped his arms around Sam's shoulders.
Prince Sammy smiled and clicked his tongue against his teeth. "Whatever Deanerella, buy me a damn pony."
And they lived happily ever after.