Title: I Know Him So Well
Rating: K+
Summary: Songfic. As Jack lies dying, he thinks of Ennis.
Disclaimer: I don't own Brokeback Moutain. The song I Know You So Well was originally sung by Barbra Streisand, but this version is sung by the wonderful John Barrowman.
Author's Note: I have a tendency to go into new fandoms with songfics. Maybe they make me feel safer, though I always consider my songfics to be pretty mediocre. Furthermore, I get the feeling that I haven't gotten into the head of a rodeo cowboy very well, so this might sound a little OOC.
On the plus side, I believe the song is very fitting.
I Know Him So Well
They've finally stopped. They're leaving. It seems they don't want to outright kill me – they'll leave that to nature.
As I lie here, I feel myself slipping away. I expect to see my life flashing before my eyes, but all I can see is him.
Nothing is so good it lasts eternally
Perfect situations must go wrong
But this has never yet prevented me
Wanting far too much for far too long
Ennis Del Mar. The man that owns my heart and my soul. Ever since that night on Brokeback Mountain, he's been all I ever wanted. All I ever needed. And it's ironic that it is due to him that I am lying here now. But if I could take back meeting him in exchange for a longer life, would I do it?
Not in a million years.
Looking back I could have played it differently
Won a few more moments, who can tell?
But it took time to understand the man,
Now at least, I know I know him well
If anything, I wanted more time with him. More time to hold him, to smell him, to love him. Because that's what we had, and there's no point denying it now. If it's the last thing I ever do, I may as well be honest with myself. And honestly, I loved Ennis Del Mar. I still do.
Wasn't it good? Oh so good
Wasn't he fine? Oh so fine
Isn't it madness, he can't be mine?
We had such good times together. I could truly be myself around him. We'd talk about anything, everything, and nothing – it didn't matter. What did matter was that we had each other. But even that didn't last.
But in the end he needs a little bit more than me
More security
He needs his fantasy and freedom
I know him so well
I knew Ennis. He wanted – needed – to feel normal. A life with me wouldn't be normal. And he'd seen what happened to people like us – something I am now all too familiar with. So I understand why he was scared, and why he built a normal life for himself. I wish it wasn't the case, but I understand.
No one in your life is with you constantly
No one is completely on your side
And though I moved my world to be with him
Still the gap between us is too wide
As often as I could, I'd make the 14 hour drive to be with Ennis. And then, for a few blissful weeks each year, we could pretend it was like before. Like we didn't have families and responsibilities. But we did, and I think for Ennis, they were constantly on his mind. And it was these things that kept up apart.
Lookinf back I could have played it differently
Learned about the man before I fell
(I was just a little careless)
Our relationship may have been rushed. Some people might blame my actions on the high altitude, saying I wasn't thinking straight or something (no pun intended). But when Ennis opened up to me, I felt like he trusted me. And that was all I needed to know that I wanted more of him. All of him.
But I was ever so much younger then
And now at least, I know I know him well
I remember how I felt when I first met Ennis. My young mind didn't quite know what was happening. What I felt for him was something I had never felt before. I was nervous, excited... and I was truly happy. It was this that made me disregard the consequences.
Wasn't it good? Oh so good
Wasn't he fine? Oh so fine
Isn't it madness, he can't be mine?
It's strange how little time we spent together in the end. For me, moving on was something I had no intention of doing. I just kept reminiscing, remembering all the good times between Ennis and me.
Didn't I know
How it would go if I knew from the start?
Why, why am I falling apart?
He can't be mine
Even though there's not much left of my face, I find myself shedding a tear. Despite everything I'd wished for over the years, there was never any chance that Ennis and I could end up together permanently. Would I have pursued him if I'd known it was a lost cause? Deep down, I think I always knew. But I kept hoping – nothing could stop me hoping.
But in the end he needs a little bit more than me
More security and freedom
I know him so well
The end has come. My thoughts are getting hazy. I just want to sleep. But before I do, I want to send a message to Ennis Del Mar, wherever he may be.
Ennis, there are so many things that I wish for. I wish we could have had more time together. I wish that you'd come and lived with me. Most of all, I wish I'd told you what you meant to me. But none of that's going to happen now, and I'm okay with it. I had the time of my life with you, Ennis Del Mar. I've seen you, I know you, and I love you.
It took time to understand him
I know him so well...
The End
Given that I've never written for this fandom before, concrit is especially gladly received.