"Don't," Clarke says softly, putting her hand on Bellamy's shoulder, stopping him. "Don't go after her, she needs to be alone right now."
He's swallowing hard and she can see it hurts him to just stand there and watch his sister leave.
"I should've done something" his voice is breaking and she knows he doesn't mean only this situation, but everything that has happened between him and Octavia in the past few weeks.
She cups his cheek, guiding his head so that he has to look at her, instead of watching the door his sister just disappeared in.
"You tried your best, Bellamy. Don't blame yourself, okay?"
"Maybe my best isn't good enough" she can see he's on a verge of completely breaking down, as if he was holding all these feelings inside himself for too long, and not being able to follow Octavia was just an impulse that could cause an avalanche.
Clarke turns around and makes an eye contact with Abby.
"We should probably stay here for the night," she says to her. "We won't be able to Arkadia till dawn."
Her mother nods and turns back to tying up someone's wounds.
"Hey, let's get you cleared up, okay?" she says to Bellamy, grabbing his elbow gently. "Come with me."
He doesn't protest as she leads him through the corridors of the tower, to her old room. She makes him sit on a chair and then proceeds to find some water and a piece of fabric. Neither of them says a word as she kneels in front of him and begins to wipe the dried blood off from his face, her movements gentle and caring.
Clarke barely notices the glimpse of tears in his eyes and she knows his mind is still on Octavia. She hates seeing him like this, so broken, so convinced that he is the reason of her pain.
"Bellamy," she says, trying to get his attention. He looks at her.
"It's my fault" he's almost choking on his words and he doesn't even try to blink the tears away. "It's my fault that Lincoln died. That so many people died. It all happened because of me and I can't stand myself anymore."
"Bellamy— "
"And now Octavia hates me, and she left and probably won't even want to speak to me anytime soon, and…" he shakes his head, not being able to talk longer. A single tear falls down his cheek, and Clarke knows she needs to do something about it, because Bellamy deserves the world and he doesn't know how much he matters to everyone. How much he matters to her.
So she pulls him into a hug, wrapping her arms around his torso, her hands stroking his back gently. He immediately presses her even harder against him, burrowing his face in the crook of her neck. He is shaking and she knows he is crying, but she also knows that everyone has to cry a little once in a while, to let everything out.
"It's not your fault, Bellamy," she whispers into his ear, her voice soft. "I know everything is pretty messed up right now, and has been for a while, but we'll make it through, okay?"
"I don't know" his voice is quiet and he sounds so broken that it shatters her heart. "I don't know anymore."
"But I know. Lincoln's death was Pike's fault, not yours. Octavia needs some time to mourn him, and even if she tries to push you away now, it will end eventually. She loves you, even if you doubt it sometimes."
He doesn't say anything for a while, but after a moment he pulls away a little, enough to look at her. She smiles gently, and he returns the gesture.
"When you left the City of Light, you said we didn't save the world," he says, and she knows he needs a change of subject. "What did you mean then?"
"ALIE said something that made me realize we're only pushing the inevitable away," she explains. "There are some radiators left. In six months, 96 percent of Earth won't be survivable anymore."
His eyes widen and she can see he's as shocked with the news as she was.
"Did she tell you about any way to stop it?" he questions.
"None that I know about, for now," she says. "But we'll make it through, right? We always do."
"Yeah. I think so," he says, even though they both know this may be harder that anything they had to deal with previously. But for now, they had to hang onto the hope, even the false one. They sit in silence for a while, until Bellamy clears his throat.
"I should probably get going,' he says.
"You can stay here," she offers, before she manages to stop herself from talking. "I mean, if you don't want to be alone right now."
"I don't want to cause you any trouble."
"You won't."
After a while, they both get into the bed. It's big and they sleep on separate sides, not touching each other, but for Clarke, his presence itself is comforting. And she is pretty sure he feels similar.
ii.
The next day, they all return to Arkadia. They are exhausted and wounded and broken, and everything seems hopeless, but they finally make it back. No one says a word during the whole trip, and when they cross the gate, Abby and Kane call it a day off. They all need it, a small moment to recover.
But what hurts Bellamy the most is the fact Octavia didn't even look at him throughout the whole trip. Clarke was by his side for the whole time, and even though they didn't talk, he was sure she noticed him always looking for his sister.
"Do you think you can help me find somewhere to stay?" Clarke asks him when they enter the camp. He stops to think for a moment.
"I don't think we have any spare rooms right now," he says. "I mean, Pike's quarters are free right now, but I don't think you'd like to stay there."
"I think I have to agree. I'll go and see if my mom can find a free room for me," she decides.
"Wait" he suddenly thinks of something very stupid and he's sure it would be better if he didn't say anything at all. "I used to share my room with Miller, but he moved in with Bryan a while ago, so I have a free place. If you'd like to, you could stay with me, at least temporary."
"Really? It won't bother you?"
"Of course not. Come on, I will show you the way."
Bellamy leads her through the corridors of Arkadia, until they finally reach his room. He opens the door and gestures for her to come in first.
"Make yourself at home," he says with a slight smile. "For as long as you wish."
"Thank you. You really don't have to do this, you know, right?"
"It's not a problem, seriously," he reminds her. "I can help you bring your things here if you want to."
"I… I actually don't have anything with me," she says, looking a little uncomfortable. He mentally curses himself – of course she doesn't have anything, she hasn't been here for many months.
"Right. I'd show you around, but there isn't much to see, I think" he changes the subject. "Here's your bed, and I'll find some closet for you in a moment. Bathroom is right there."
"Fine. I think I could use a shower," she decides. "But I guess I have to see if I can find some spare clothes. I'll go and find my mom."
"Of course. Wait, let me give you the keys," he says. He starts searching through one of the drawers.
"Here," he passes her the keys.
"Thanks. I'll be right back."
"Okay. I'll go check on the rest, then."
He comes back to his room – their room – a little over half an hour later. Everyone seems to be doing just fine, and there are no planned activities for the day, except from the regular meal.
When he opens the door, he finds Clarke sitting on her bed. She apparently took a shower while he was gone and now she's wearing a plain gray shirt, casual jeans and a black jacket. The grounder braids are gone and her hair is wet, as she tries to brush them. She finally looks like herself, Bellamy thinks. Not the grounder version of her, not like the person who just saved the world – at least for a moment.
Right now, she is just Clarke, the one he learned to care about so deeply over time, even though he would never admit it to anyone, not even to himself.
"Hi," she says to him, smiling gently.
"Hey," he returns the smile. "Need a help with that?" he mentions towards her hair, which she is obviously struggling with, the brush getting stuck all the time. He immediately realizes how stupid it was to say something like this, of course.
She looks at him questioningly.
"I mean, I grew up with a sister," he adds. "I can help."
"If that's not a problem…
"Clarke, you are not a problem, okay?" he reminds her, noticing that she's saying the same thing again. "You never were."
Bellamy sits next to her and takes the brush from her hand. Then, he starts brushing her hair gently, stand after strand, untangling the knots caused by the braids she used to wear. He does not think about how soft her hair is or anything like that. Definitely not.
After he finishes, he ties her blonde curls into a simple braid.
"You never mentioned that you know how to braid hair," she notices, breaking the silence.
"Once again, Octavia's fault" he laughs softly. "When you grow up with a sister, I guess you have to learn certain things."
"Yeah, probably," she returns the smile. "Thanks."
They spend another hour making place for the things Abby gave to Clarke, and finally, he can see the room becomes hers as well. And he's glad it does.
In the night Bellamy wakes up to heavy breathing, occasionally stopped by muffled cries. It takes him a moment to realize he's not alone and it's Clarke moving unsteadily in her bed on the other side of the room. He raises himself onto his elbow.
"You okay?" he asks, but the question is left unanswered. Finally, he realizes she's not awake, and he knows he has to do something about it.
He gets up and kneels next to her bed, gently shaking her shoulder.
"Hey, Clarke," he says, "wake up!"
She suddenly opens her eyes, immediately sitting, desperately gasping for breath, her hands clutching the sheets tightly. Then, she lowers herself down, breathing heavily. He notices her whole body is shaking.
"It's okay, you're okay" he keeps his voice soft and quiet.
"I'm sorry," she whispers, when she calms down a little. "For waking you up. I should've mentioned I have nightmares before moving here."
"It's okay. I have them too," he admits, stroking her hair gently. She lets him do it, though he knows they are both extremely aware of each move right now.
What he doesn't say, is that his nightmares are usually about him being left completely alone. Sometimes it's Octavia leaving him, or beating him up once again, her words filled with hate he knows he will never forget. And sometimes he sees Clarke deciding not to cross the gate to the camp, making him deal with everything by himself. Sometimes it's more. Sometimes it's all at once, but it always ends the same – with him being alone. And, deep inside, he knows he fears this complete loneliness.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asks, after her breath evens.
"It's just…" she starts after a moment. "I just keep seeing them all, you know? I see Wells and I see Finn, the Grounders and people at Mount Weather, and so many more. Everyone I killed. My hands are always bloodstained and I can't stand to look at them anymore. And they are all talking to me, reminding me of what I have done."
"You did what you had to do, Clarke. It's never easy, but we made it here, after all. And, in big part, that is because of you."
"Not all of us made it here. That is also because of me, and I'm not sure if it's ever going to stop haunting me."
"You're not alone in this, you know? If their death is on you, it's also on me. Okay?"
It takes a moment, but finally Clarke nods.
"Thank you, Bellamy," she says quietly. "Go back to sleep, I think tomorrow's not going to be a day off."
He doesn't fall asleep exactly afterwards, and he just keeps staring at the ceiling for some time. And somehow, he's pretty sure she can't sleep as well.
iii.
It makes Clarke feel a little weird – the fact that, when she opens her eyes, the room she sees is something familiar. It's not a forest, not a bunker or a cave, or some random place. It's something she recognizes, for the first time in many months. They returned to Arkadia barely over a week ago, but she can tell she likes this change in her live – even though it's still hard most of the time.
When she gets up and looks around the room, she realizes Bellamy is not there anymore. When she checks the hour, it's showing 6 am – she woke up earlier today, they always set up an alarm clock at 6.30. Then, why is he not here?
She realizes he must've woken up earlier as well, so she just proceeds to her regular morning routine. After taking a shower, getting dressed and tying two small pieces of her hair in the back of her head, she leaves the room.
A moment later, she runs into Octavia on the corridor. They haven't exactly talked since their return to Arkadia, but Clarke decides it's time to break this weird silence.
"Hey," she greets her. "Have you seen Bellamy today?"
"Haven't you? I thought you two live together now," Octavia says. Her voice suggests she doesn't want to talk to her right now, but Clarke doesn't back down.
"He left earlier today, I'm looking for him," she explains.
"I think he left the camp a moment ago," Octavia informs her after a moment. "I saw him at the gate."
"Thanks. You should find him too, by the way," Clarke adds. "He misses you, you know?"
"I'm not sure if I want to talk to him."
"It's been a week. It hurts him, to see you avoid him. He's your brother, after all."
"I'll think about it," she says after a moment of silence. Then, she passes her and leaves. Clarke doesn't follow her – at least they exchanged a few words, maybe it will speak to Octavia somehow.
Clarke knows Bellamy thinks he needs to be left alone sometimes; she also knows him well enough to know that's exactly when he shouldn't be left alone at all, or else he'll start burrowing himself in guilt and blame. And that's why she decides to find him. Because, sometimes, people need to be saved from themselves.
She doesn't run into anyone she recognizes, and that's probably because it's still pretty early. She's thankful for this fact, though, because she doesn't feel like talking to anyone. She just tells the guard that she will be back soon, as she crosses the gate. It's still a little bit dark outside, sun hasn't risen yet. Clarke looks around the camp, waiting for the sky to lighten. After some time, she decides to enter the forest.
It brings back bad memories, and if she could, she would probably avoid going in. It reminds her of this moment, months ago – it seems so far away now, more like years – after Mount Weather, when she left them all here. She hoped it would help, but when she looks at it from the perspective of time, it only made things worse. When she was alone, nothing stopped her from thinking about everything she has done, from feeling guilty, even hating herself.
She knows it's similar with Bellamy – mostly because she went through it all herself, she still does. Sometimes he feels like he needs to be alone, but it actually does not help at all. And if she's able to stop someone from making her mistakes, she does.
She finds him just as the sun starts to rise, the bright glow spreading on the sky. He sits on the edge of forest, near a small cliff, lost in his thoughts. He doesn't even notice her, and barely moves when she comes closer and sits next to him, pressing her knees to her chest. They don't say anything for a while.
"It's all pretty messed up, isn't it?" Clarke finally breaks the silence.
"Yeah," he agrees.
"I talked to Octavia today. I think she may speak to you later," she says, hoping that Octavia understood her intentions.
"I don't think she wants to."
"I'm working on that" she smiles, and gently puts her hand on his. "I know she is stubborn, but you two will make up, finally."
"I hope so. It's just…" his voice breaks a little. "She's always been the most important person in my life. I practically raised her, and seeing her looking at me this way, like she hates me…"
"She could never hate you, Bellamy" she squeezes his hand. "She needs some time to grieve, but I'm sure she doesn't hate you."
Bellamy lets out a sight.
"How's Raven doing? With the code and all?" he changes the subject.
"Yesterday she told me she's almost halfway through. So it's pretty good, for now. She said she's almost sure it's going to work, and it may be finished by the end of this week," Clarke explains.
They were still wondering what to do about the nuclear plants, and finally they decided that the best option is to try to detect them somehow, so that they can find and destroy them. Raven was currently working on a way to scan their surroundings and locate the nearest plants. At the same time Bellamy and Clarke, along with some other people, were trying to find a way to destroy them.
"That's good," he says. "I think we may have a chance. We may finally make it."
"We always do, don't we?"
"Yet we still come across one problem after another."
"And each time we managed to get through it all. This time we will make it as well" she turns her head towards him.
"Before, we were fighting with other people. Now we're fighting something that's completely out of our control," he adds. They had this talk many times, but they still repeat the same things sometimes. Clarke knows that it's better to make him talk about it, then to let him hold it all inside. And she's glad she's found someone she can trust, after all this time. Someone she can talk to about anything, starting from mundane things, finishing on nuclear catastrophe upon them.
"When it all will be over," she says, "I guess there will be no other things this world can surprise us with, at least."
"Maybe we will finally be able to get that drink," he says, and she feels relief, because he's joking and that means he's not so lost in his thoughts anymore.
"Maybe," she agrees. "Come on, let's go back to the camp. Everyone's going to wake up soon."
+i.
Bellamy looks around the camp, lit by the light of campfire they decided to make. Tomorrow most of them are going to split and go to destroy the nuclear plants they managed to detect, and they decided that the last night should be at least a little bit more relaxing. Now, the sky was turning dark and everyone was gathered near the big campfire near the front gate.
He saw Octavia talking with Monty, Jasper and Harper, throwing her head back as she tried to laugh. He was happy for her, he knew she hadn't had fun like that in a while. She started talking to him again, a few weeks ago, and he's glad they are no longer avoiding each other. There still may be some distance, but they are on their way to making things okay.
In the corner, Miller and Bryan were having a drink. He spotted a smile on Murphy's face, as he talked to Emori. Raven was discussing something with Abby, but she also seemed pretty relaxed.
They were all his family now, he realized. Maybe not by blood, but the bond they all shared was something unimaginable for him. With these people, he went through hell and back, yet they were all still here. And now, finally, they all seemed carefree. They seemed happy.
Maybe it was time for him to be happy too.
He spotted Clarke, sitting alone near the campfire. She was staring at the flames, arms wrapped around her body – no wonder, it was a little cold tonight. He came to her, placing his jacked over her shoulders. She looked up, making an eye contact with him.
"Hi," she greeted him. "Having fun?"
"I guess. How about you?" he sat next to her, their thighs pressing against each other.
"I know I should try and relax, but I can't help overanalyzing everything," she admits.
"We are well-prepared, you know it. Everything is planned in detail, and it's going to be okay, Clarke," he reminds her.
"There are so many things that could go wrong, starting with tomorrow. What if we don't make it?"
"Then we will worry about it tomorrow, okay? Tonight, we don't have to think about anything."
"What if it's the last "tonight" we have?"
"Then let's make it count and not think too much about all the possibilities," he says. "Seriously."
"We are splitting," she added. "We both are headed the opposite ways, and I can't help but…"
"Nothing bad is going to happened. You'd kill me if I tried to die," he jokes.
"That's true. But it doesn't change the fact that anything may happen, from what we know."
"Don't we always find our way back to each other?" he wraps an arm around her waist, bringing her close to him. She rests her head on his shoulder, gently.
"Yeah," she agrees, her voice quiet. "We do."
"Besides," he adds, "I also won't let you die. I don't think I could do it all without you, you know it, right? It may be hard sometimes, but you always manage to make it okay again, Clarke."
"I'm not sure how, when I'm broken myself," she admits. "But I think you fix me somehow as well, even when I'm convinced it's not possible."
"See? We both have to make it. We both have to come back, and we will, I'm sure" there is confidence in his voice, and he truly believes these words as he says them. "Let's just hold onto that, okay?"
"Okay," she finally agrees, and he thinks she may have finally believed that they really have a chance in making it through it all. And he hopes she knows that he wouldn't even want to be stuck in all of this without her. That, on some days, she is the only thing keeping him sane, and he just needs her desperately in his live.
"A long time ago," Clarke starts after some time, breaking the silence between them, "someone told me that love is weakness. At first it seemed absurd to me, but I found myself believing it, after I saw love destroying people around me. And I stuck to this thought for so long, becoming more and more convinced with every single day."
He shifted, so that she could look at her better, and she lifted her head a little off his shoulder.
"But now I realize, that these words were not true at all. Love is not weakness. It is strength" she makes eye contact with him. "And I love you, Bellamy."
With these few words, she manages to shatter his whole universe. He knows she means it, but he still finds it hard to believe it, the fact that Clarke, who deserves the world, somehow chose him, in all this mess. He just presses her tighter against him.
"I love you too, Clarke" his voice is quiet but steady, unlike his racing heart, and he knows he doesn't have to say it back, but he does anyway. "And I'm not going to let the world pull as apart for longer than it's necessary."
They sit there for a long time, just staring at the flames. Finally, everyone starts to leave, so they return to their room as well. They both lay down on his bed, Bellamy's arm wrapped tightly around her waist.
"After it all is over, I'm never letting you go again," he whispers into her hair.
"You'd have to try really hard to get rid of me" she smiles, and he can't hold himself back anymore, as he presses a gentle kiss to her lips. It's soft and quick, but he knows it tells her everything he wanted to say. She buries her face in the crook of his neck, and he can hear her heart beating. And it's way more he could ever dream of.
Maybe not everything is perfect right now, but as long as they are together, he's sure they are going to be okay. They are going to heal.
Somehow, in this whole mess, they found a home.