Prefab Chapter 1: 001: making THE BAND, a naruto fanfic

001: MAKING THE BAND

BOY BANDS

THE KNOW—HOW FOR DUMMIES;

The Boy Band is, sadly, an endangered species; teenage girls find it highly uncool admitting to liking the cheesy dance moves and classy lyrics. However, there is a boy band lover inside each of us— and it's entirely easy to make one. For the aspiring boy band manager, there are five ingredients, and each one of them must be a mucho pretty boy, who falls into one of these clichés;

01.The Cute One—
the above mentioned band member is usually the shortest; he has to have a cute face and appeal to the soft, comforting side of women and gay men alike. He has to be blonde and must be given exceptionally high, and girly, notes to sing.
BONUS!
Give your cute, cuddly member a tragic background to tug at the heartstrings of your audience.
02. The Cheeky One—
this band member is cheeky and loud; he's a troublesome punk, who would actually get on your listener's nerves, if it weren't for his charming good-looks and charismatic nature. He must be somewhat witty and considered wild. He must be seen looking refined and handsome at nightclubs, as well as having a good time. He should also be seen teasing and playing friendly pranks on his bandmates.
CAUTION!
It is extremely difficult to look refined at a nightclub.
03. The Talented One—
this is the talented, intelligent member of the band; he has to appear mature beyond his years, to appeal to both nerds and older women. He must have a brotherly relationship with every member of the band, disregarding the anti-social one, as to create a friendly, family-like relationship in the band. He must also be extremely smooth-talking and dashingly handsome.
BONUS!
Give your intelligent member a piano to further enhance his intelligence and sex appeal.
04. The Mysterious One—
this member must be stunningly handsome, to the point where he is able to turn even straight men gay; he must always be seen as hauntingly perfect, staring broodingly into the distance during interviews. It is often helpful to spread rumours about this member, to create a sense of mystery about him.
HINT!
Question his sexuality to make him really appeal to girls (and homosexuals).
05. The Other One—
scientists have tried many a time to figure out what the point of this member is, but have come to no conclusions. This band member is putty in your hands, and prey to your wild imagination.
CAUTION!
If this guy isn't very good-looking, he will become very boring.
WORD OF ADVICE!
Do not pick a 'minger' for your final member.

boy bands; the know-how for dummies
legendarysuckerrecords

Let the games…

begin.

Uchiha Sasuke had never felt this awkward in his life.

He could turn down girl after girl without batting an eyelash; he could ignore them easily as they stood wailing in front of him, mascara running down their faces, begging him to take them back. He felt perfectly normal talking to his (many) ex-girlfriends as well; he always felt, and looked, exactly the same.

But even he felt slightly uncomfortable being checked out by a thirty—something year old woman with wrinkles.

She wasn't even bothering to hide the fact that she was checking him out; her eyes travelled slowly down his long legs and back up again, staring for a moment too long at his crotch, examining the way his fresh black shirt lay on his chest— then her eyes met his and she smirked. He shivered, and his best friend and co-worker, Uzumaki Naruto, wandered over, grinning triumphantly.

"She's totally checking you out, teme!" The blonde snickered, balancing a cappuccino easily on the tray he was carrying. "It seems even the old chicks find you sexy; I'm not sure whether to act jealous or laugh."

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Dobe."

Naruto narrowed his eyes, before faking anger. "Fine! I'll tell Sai to record it like he was going to! You just be that way, Sasuke!"

Sasuke whirled around, looking like he was about to kill the blonde in as painful a way as possible, but the blonde had already disappeared behind the counter. Sai waggled his fingers playfully, brandishing a Motorola ROKR (lucky sod), and Sasuke gave up.

"Can I have another coffee, please?"

The Uchiha's eye twitched, as the old-lady-pervert spoke. He quickly scanned the room for Naruto, but the blonde was busy dealing (coughFLIRTINGcough) with a group of giggling girls, and just winked at him. Sasuke sighed and turned around, pasting a sortofnotreally smile on his face. He walked over, tray at the ready, and frowned. "…same again?"

"No, I just needed you to come over here."

A vein throbbed in his forehead as he quickly scanned the old woman. She had long blonde hair, tied into two ponytails, and the largest breasts he'd ever seen— not that he stared at her breasts

—for too long—

of course. She was dressed in a business-like black pencil skirt plus a white silk blouse, and Sasuke suddenly had the impression that he was standing in front of a very rich woman.

She placed her fingers together, leaning forward, and gazed at him with warm brown eyes. "So, you're Uchiha Sasuke, right?"

Sasuke blinked. "How did you—?"

"Your name tag."

"hn."

The woman chuckled. "My name's Tsunade; I'm sure you've heard of me. I used to be the manager of Akatsuki, a popular punk-rock band, until that Madara-bastard bought them off me," she scowled, clenching her fists and then smiled sweetly. "But of course you've heard of them! You must be Itachi's younger brother."

"Hn," Sasuke repeated, mirroring her earlier scowl.

"Ah, so there are no hard feelings between you two," Tsunade muttered sarcastically, before smiling again. "You must have noticed me watching you— oh God, that sounds so creepy and pedophile-ish!" She rubbed her forehead, obviously horrified. "You must have felt so uncomfortable. I apologise."

"…hn…"

Sasuke blinked. He'd never met anyone who could switch so easily between emotions. One minute she was an angry, cheated business-woman, and the next she was distraught and horrified at her behaviour.

"Anyway," Tsunade said briskly, switching back to her posh and professional behaviour. "I've examined you and your friend closely, and I've decided that you two are precisely what I'm looking for. I can make you rich and famous in only a few weeks—"

Sasuke shrugged, clearly not interested, and Tsunade swooped in for a second attempt.

"—and you'll get as many girls as you want."

There was silence.

"No? I can make you bigger than your brother."

He twitched.

"Oh? If you're interested, come to the address written on my business card on the 14th; and remember to bring your blonde friend." She scribbled something down on a small gold card before handing it to him as she stood up.

He gazed down at the card, careful not to show any emotion while she was still there, and then reach forward to take her empty coffee.

She pinched his butt on her way out.

"You won't regret it."

Feeling mortified— and violated— he watched her step outside into the busy street, and march away, before jumping as Naruto materialized at his side. Ignoring the taunting chorus of "she totally pinched your ass, man!", he wordlessly handed his friend the card.

Silence and then—

"—woah, shit!"

Sasuke couldn't help but agree.

Woah, shit indeed.

Name: Uchiha Sasuke and his blonde friend
Address: Number 16, on Greenleaf Avenue. It's easy enough to find.
Phone Number: In case you do happen to get lost.
01796 554376
Personal Message: You won't regret it.

Tsunade
Manager of legendarysuckerrecords.

"…why are we doing this again?"

"Simple Maths, teme; me being famous equals hot and sexy chicks. Get it?"

"Hn."

"Just because you're gay, doesn't mean I have to suffer."

Sasuke stopped, pausing in the doorway, and turned to look at Naruto. The blonde stared quizzically back at him, his cerulean eyes impossibly wide, and tufts of blonde hair stuck out from underneath his grey bobble hat. "You're not chickening out, are you, teme?"

"No."

Silence.

"So what's wrong? We're going to get famous, and have loads of money, and elope with our fangirls— so move your ass inside!"

"…you open the door."

"SERIOUSLY!" Naruto huffed, pushing past his best friend to open the door. The pair stepped inside, blinking as their eyes adjusted to the dim light.

A dark-haired woman with kind eyes scurried over to meet him; Sasuke couldn't help raising an eyebrow, as he stared at the pink stuffed pig she was cradling to her bosom. She looked from Naruto to Sasuke, stroking its matted woolly fur, and then beamed at them.

"Good morning, I'm Shizune— you two must be Sasuke-kun and Naruto-kun! Tsunade's been expecting you!"

Without another word, she turned on her heels, indicating for them to follow her, and then marched away.

The two boys glanced at each other, shrugged, and then walked after her.

As she strode briskly along, she began to talk to them, pointing at the many doors they passed and saying things like "there are the toilets!" and "that's where Jiraiya stays, when he comes round— when he doesn't try to sneak into Tsunade's room. You'll like Jiraiya…" They nodded numbly, too busy trying to take in all of the information to respond.

After a while, she stopped outside a polished black door and smiled brightly at them. "Go inside, then, and take a seat next to Neji-kun!"

Naruto opened his mouth to ask who 'Neji-kun' was but Shizune was already halfway down the corridor. Sasuke sighed, pushed open the door, and then pushed Naruto inside— the blonde let out an indignant shout and turned around to glare at his best friend. The Uchiha ignored him, stepped inside, and scanned the room.

It was quite a long office, with a polished-until-it-sparkled desk plus an equally shiny leather desk chair; behind the desk was a whiteboard and projector. On the desk were stacks of untidy papers and a bottle of sake; the sake stood proud and tall next to the golden name-plate. There were three chairs positioned in front of the desk, two of which were already occupied by two teenage boys around their age.

"Yo!"

The slightly shorter of the two greeted them, baring his sharp, pointed teeth at them in a grin— his tanned face was framed by messy brown hair; it spilled into his wolf-like eyes. On each cheek was a red tattoo, like a triangle— he looked like he was the type of guy to often start fights, and no doubt had a hot, fiery temper— he was probably as loud as Naruto.

Sasuke sighed, rubbing his forehead, and he could already feel a migraine coming on.

"I'm Kiba," Wolf-Boy grinned, raising a hand in greeting.

"Hyuuga Neji," the second boy murmured, glancing briefly at them. His long brown hair was tied back into one silky-smooth ponytail; he stared at them with pale lilac eyes. He crossed his arms, frowned, and then went back to staring out of the window.

"I'm Uzumaki Naruto!" Naruto cheered, before jerking his thumb in Sasuke's direction. "And this jerk is Uchiha Sasuke, the human ice-cube."

"…hn." That would do as a greeting.

Sasuke scowled, sat down in the last chair, and then smirked at Naruto; the blonde pouted, annoyed, and then perched on the edge of Kiba's chair. The pair immediately began to talk, chatting animatedly away, and Sasuke was left to stare at Neji; the Hyuuga glared back at the Uchiha as the pair both wondered why they were there.

Just as Naruto was about to complain loudly about how long Tsunade was taking, the door opened again and Tsunade marched briskly in. She sat down at her desk, sighed, and then gave each boy a quick once-over.

"Sasuke, Sasuke's-friend-whose-name-I-still-don't-know, Kiba and Neji," she greeted, and then paused, staring at Naruto. "What is your name, by the way?"

"Naruto," he pouted childishly, feeling slightly left out.

"Ah, you're perfect!"

There was a pregnant pause.

"Uh…" Naruto shifted awkwardly in his seat and just as Tsunade was about to speak again, the door opened.

"Sorry I'm late," the newcomer murmured, scratching the back of his neck lazily. He stared at the four boys with tired brown eyes; Sasuke scowled, annoyed at the disruption.

"Shikamaru," Tsunade stated coldly. "You're late."

"…I know," Shikamaru raised an eyebrow and brushed a piece of stray brown hair behind his ears. "That's what I just said—"

((the guy had guts))

"—troublesome woman."

((…or a death wish.))

Tsunade shot such a deadly glare in Shikamaru's direction that the lazy boy seemed to wilt slightly. "All annoying and 'troublesome' disruptions aside, I've called you five capable and extremely pretty boys here for just one reason; I'd like to turn the four of you into a boy band."

Sasuke disliked being called pretty.

"As I've explained before to all of you, minus adorable Naruto here, I was up until recently the manager of Akatsuki. I know all the tricks of the trade and I know how to make you a star. Punk-rock, emo, and just-plain-rock bands are so over-rated; they've been around for too long and the music industry needs something fresh. That's where you come in—"

"—but I can't sing!" Naruto protested.

Neji snorted in disbelief.

Tsunade merely smiled patiently. "It doesn't particularly matter, Naruto; half the members in Akatsuki couldn't sing. We altered their voices slightly; just a bit, since Itachi and the blonde one were particularly good; and look how big they are! But I've created a formula and I know just how boy bands are made."

She turned around and switched the projector on. Then she placed a white sheet on top of it and Sasuke found himself staring at an enlarged version of him, dressed in his work uniform. Tsunade had taken a picture of him when he'd been caught off guard; he was staring past her, at something behind her, and was frowning slightly.

He scowled.

"This is Uchiha Sasuke," the business woman continued, using a ruler to point at the picture. "He's your typical pretty boy; he's silent, he's mysterious, and he doesn't talk a lot. Like a blood-red rose, he's seductive and sexy without meaning to be— and all he needs is food and water to keep him rolling. He's broodingly handsome and mysterious; he's your typical Mysterious One— the member of the band that people like to speculate about. Fans like the gossip and they like the rumours and they simply love his tragic past— everything works in Sasuke's favour, including the fact that his older brother, and known Akatsuki member, is gay."

"Itachi's not—"

"That's what you think, honey, that's what you think. Now, moving on," Tsunade paused, reaching over and removing the photo of Sasuke.

Up came a picture of Kiba, obviously at some type of party; the lights in the background were all different colours and Kiba's shirt had almost been torn off his body. He was grinning, though, and patting the head of a little white puppy, which bounded at his feet.

"This is Kiba. He's the Trouble-Making One. He's cheeky, he's wild, he's lively and damn it, is he charming. He loves a good party and the chance to bare his sculpted torso— and, let me inform you, that this torso right here—" she reached over, patting Kiba's chest "—will be pinned to the bedroom wall of every girl soon enough. Not only does Kiba appeal to the wild, partying inner demon, he also softens the hearts of every animal lover. He's definitely a romantic at heart— he lives with his gentle mother and older sister, both of who work at a family vet clinic, and aspires to save Lassie's everywhere."

Kiba hissed, shaking his head, "that's bullshit! Hana and Mum are as gentle as freakin' pretty boy eatin' fangirls."

"That's what a boy band is, darling; bullshit. It's built up on a foundation of lies and stretched truths; apart from that bit about Itachi, which is nothing but the truth." Tsunade nodded earnestly, before swapping the picture of Kiba with a picture of Neji.

He was at a piano, a small smile on his face, his eyes closed; his hair wasn't tied back and fell across his forehead. He looked perfectly at ease with himself and the world, relaxed and peaceful, and most certainly in his own little happy bubble. The real Neji scowled.

"You've been spying on me!"

"Hinata gave it to me. She's such a sweetie!" Tsunade grinned, before pointing at the picture. "Meet our little prodigy, Hyuuga Neji— and boy, is he intelligent! With an amazing IQ, a passion for the piano, and an expert at all logical games, he's our little genius; our Talented One. He plays multiple instruments, goes bird-watching every Sunday, and has a sob-story ready made for him. His kind father died when he was a child and, ever since, he's had to live with his strict uncle. Ooh, isn't it thrilling? Not to mention, looking as beautiful as he does, he's likely to be pined after by women over twenty-five as well!"

Naruto nudged Sasuke, sniggering. "So you're not the only one, teme— feel pleased, I guess."

Neji looked outraged. "You've never had your butt slapped when buying oranges, by your old school teacher! You wouldn't be laughing then, Uzumaki."

Sasuke simply nodded, memories of Tsunade's sharp nails pinching the soft skin of his butt flooding through his mind. He could definitely relate.

The business-woman ignored them, swapping the photos quickly and Sasuke blinked back his disbelief. The photo of Naruto, projected onto the white-board, was a side of Naruto that he hadn't seen often— a side that he wasn't allowed to see often.

The blonde was in a cemetery, stood in front of two gravestones; his head was bowed in respect ("or to hide his tears!" Tsunade cheered, obviously pleased with the photo) and he was holding a bunch of flowers. In fact, he could only tell it was Naruto from the tell-tale whiskers on his cheeks and messy blonde hair; otherwise, the boy looked so solemn and saddened that the Uchiha couldn't recognize his best friend.

"Oh, don't you just feel your heart ache? Look at darling Naruto, stood by his parents' graves; look at those sad little eyes and that sad little frown. But look how cute he is! Yup, Uzumaki Naruto is our Cute One! He's our little blondie; the guy who every girl wants to cuddle and look after because he's just oh-so-cute! We want to molly-coddle him and clutch him to our heaving breasts— and no doubt he isn't so displeased about that. And he's got such an amazingly tragic back story; his mother died giving birth to him and his father died saving his life. It makes him feel so guilty, because he feels like he's the reason why they died."

Naruto could only gape.

"And then there's Nara Shikamaru." There was a quick photo-change and Tsunade pointed at the picture; Shikamaru was just lying on his back, gazing up at the clouds. "He's the Other One. Nothing really special about him, apart from the one fact that he gets to be whoever he wants to be— or whoever I want him to be— as long as it isn't himself or one of the other four types."

"So I've really got the best 'type'?" Shikamaru yawned, pleased despite himself.

"Well, yes— depending on how my imagination feels." Tsunade nodded and then smiled hungrily at the five boys; Sasuke was reminded of a shark, a deadly hunter, and he felt like the smallest prey ever. She switched the slide and they blinked at her untidy scrawl, attempting to read her handwriting; she tutted, before continuing. "I'm going to give you a copy of the rules and a contract; you sign it and, basically, I'm in charge of your entire life. Understand?"

Naruto bit his lip, nodding uneasily, and Kiba grinned, shrugging. "Rules were made to be broken, right?"

"Break these and you pay with your life."

There was an uncomfortable silence, before Tsunade continued. "You'll also get a list of your character's traits; make sure to memorize them. These traits, these types… Make them yours! We want to change boy bands forever; when someone says boy band, I want them to have no choice but think of you! You need to act! You need to change! You need to adapt!"

As she spoke, she handed them each a neatly typed contract. There was silence as the five boys read the rules. Then, one by one, they looked up and turned to gaze at each other.

Sasuke spoke first.

"I need a pen."

"Now, first things first," Tsunade announced, once they'd all signed their names and handed her the contracts, "we need to think of a name. It needs to be something catchy, something easy to say and something everyone will remember! Any ideas?"

Sasuke frowned.

"It doesn't need to be anything personal," the blonde woman continued. "It can be a quote you like, or something you heard someone say just recently. Nothing personal."

Neji scowled.

"It might help to name yourself after a street," Tsunade nodded, trying to give them ideas. "Or you could just pick random letters which look good together and then think of what they stand for. Like… ENS. Everybody. Needs. Somebody. See? Or just stick your initials together; SNSNK, NNSSK, KSNSN, NSKSN. Easy enough, right?"

Shikamaru yawned.

"It could be anything; anything. Like that new cult-thing which is going around; Jashinism, I think— no, that's too dark for a boy band. You've got to be a picture of innocence; guys have got to want to be you and girls have got to want to be with you!"

Kiba stretched.

"Oh, come on! How hard can it be?! You're not even trying! Ideas, people! IDEAS!"

Naruto blinked.

Tsunade put her head in her hands and groaned; "Oh God; why did I chose idiots?! Good-looking idiots, hell yeah, but idiots nonetheless! Ideas, now!"

Neji sighed, ran a hand through his hair, and then gazed at the business woman coldly. "You said you had a formula for making boy bands, correct? So why don't we just name ourselves Formula? If I say it, it sounds intelligent; Uzumaki can say it with a baby-ish voice, or whatever, and Inuzuka can try and sound like a, uh… Troublemaker. Uchiha doesn't have to say anything and Nara can just yawn."

Tsunade blinked.

"Oh, I love you."

"…"

"I really love you! You are a genius! You're epic; you're amazing; you're wonderful and, not to mention, hot! The name doesn't have to mean anything; it doesn't have to be cool! It's the way you say it which makes it everything! YES! Hyuuga Neji, I'd marry you if it didn't make me seem pedophile-ish!"

Silence.

Naruto attempted to smother his laughter, but failed epically, and Neji whacked him across the head.

"You can go now, by the way. I've already got your mobile and home numbers; Shizune''s getting them now, as well as your addresses. I'll contact you when necessary. All I want you to do now is bond."

Introducing…

Hyuuga Neji; the intelligent one!

Uchiha Sasuke; the mysterious one!

Uzumaki Naruto; the cute one!

Inuzuka Kiba; the trouble-making one!

Nara Shikamaru; the other one who's there to make up the numbers!

Together they're…

FORMULA!

The meeting was over and Sasuke left, with Naruto, feeling nothing slightly excited. The blonde paused, rubbing the back of his neck. "I feel like I've just sold my soul to the devil."

"…I feel likewise."

They glanced at each other; onyx eyes met ocean-blue eyes.

Silence.

And then…

"There'd better be really hot chicks."

For once in his life, Sasuke agreed with Naruto.

…

And, besides, Itachi could not be gay.

—-

—

give me a toot,
i'll sell you my soul
pull my strings and i'll go far…

—

—-

Boy bands are most certainly my guilty pleasure. And I heart writing Tsunade's bit— she's going to be all my dirty thoughts and secret wishes in fanfiction flesh. Plus, she just really wants cash, y'know?