WHAT I'VE MISSED

by ryrous

Hermione Weasley closed the book in front of her. A romance novel, read through for the third time.

She didn't particularly enjoy this novel, it was quite dry. She had only been reading it because there was absolutely nothing else to do. The house was clean, Rose and Hugo were off at school, Ron was busy at work and every other book she had was ridiculously over-read

Hermione had discovered this particular novel one day when Ginny forgot it at the Weasley house, and proceeded to read it because of the sheer lack of alternatives. A part of her had also hoped that it would give her some of the thrill her young lovelife had lacked. It didn't, but being the only book she had that hadn't been read fourteen or fifteen times made it relatively fresh material. Ron never bought her new things.

Time and time again she asked herself how it had happened, how she, the impeccably clever overachiever with a future full of life and excitement and promise, had allowed herself to become trapped in this domestic nightmare.

Hermione didn't want to be a housewife, she wanted to figure things out, to use her sharp brain, to feel like more than just a mother. Hermione snorted aloud. She, who had been the adamant feminist, was now just a house shrew.

If it had been up to her, of course, it never would have happened this way. Hermione knew that one of the reasons she had become the housewife she had become was that Ron insisted that all women do so. It wasn't his fault really; it was only because all the women in the Weasley clan had.

But it was though, it was his fault! He had never cared about anything important to her, unless it meant something for him. Education, he'd thrown it out the window. Elf's rights, sure he said "they ought not to be treated like dirt" but he never thought about freeing them, about liberating them, in fact, when Hugo was born he had even suggested they get one! Hermione had never heard of such lack of consideration.

She sighed again. Of course she couldn't blame Ron for being who he was, a narrow-minded, selfish, and unfailingly immature man. She had, after all, chosen him.

Oh how Hermione regretted it! It had been so easy and safe to go with Ron. She could always control him, and he was always close at hand, the first boy to notice that she was, in fact, female. It had also been so terribly convenient, her marrying Ron. It kind of fit, it tied him and her and Harry together in the same family forever. Their children were cousins. Hermione could no longer deny, however, after almost twenty years with him, that she and Ron brought out the worst in each other.

Hermione hated it all, she hated herself. How often had she cried over the person she had become, the Hermione she didn't like, and the amazing man she had missed out on?

Don't go down that road. She told herself. It wouldn't due to pine over the hopeless

But one can never avoid oneself.

Harry had always been there for her in a quiet, perseverant sort of way. He had made her feel good about herself on a level Ron was too shallow to ever reach. She never noticed the feelings were there until it was far too late, and he was too far-gone.

In the beginning, Harry and Ginny's relationship didn't bother her in the slightest. She was happy to support Harry's romance with the youngest Weasley. It was exciting in a sense, as if she was living vicariously through them, planning every move, every advance, the master of a game with a slightly foggy endplay. After the casual ceased being casual, however, Hermione had begun to feel that Harry was distancing himself from her, and his and Ginny's closeness made her squirm with discomfort. Just like her brother, Ginny wasn't that emotionally available. She didn't think about the abstract or spend hours contemplating the way the world turned. The unfortunate but perpetual truth was that the Weasleys were shallow, very warmhearted, but shallow just the same. Harry had a depth to him that Hermione didn't think Ginny could complete. Oh, he was far too good for her.

There was no way Ginny could understand him as well as Hemione could, Ginny was too taken with the romantic part of him. To Ginny, Harry was the boy who lived. To Hermione, he was just Harry, rash, unthinking, proud, loyal, brave. Hermione had felt fine when things between him and Ginny were light and meaningless, but when she realized they might actually marry, some long hidden heart had shattered.

It was only then she realized she cared about him, a part of her always had. As a young teenager she had brushed away these types of implications with a simple thought of:

"It's only platonic"

And it had been, until it wasn't.

Once she realized that she wasn't as indifferent as she had thought, everything had caused little twinges of jealousy. Every kiss the two shared, every tiny, near-invisible caress that went unnoticed except to the perceptive eyes of Hermione. It made her angry that Harry loved Ginny, he just couldn't. The only level on which Harry and Ginny connected was the physical one, and as much as she wished, Hermione knew that in regards to the physical, she would forever be inferior to Ginny. The way Ginny crossed her infinitely curvy legs, or bit her lip, or tossed her fiery hair, even the gentle curve of her spine as she reached for something high up. She was just so intensely sexual. And Hermione wasn't.

Ron and Harry both told her she was beautiful, but she didn't believe them. Not the way she wanted to anyway.

The night the engagement had been announced, Hermione felt ready to die. The green eyed monster roared beneath her attempt at jubilant composure, lashing out with hatred towards the girl who had been her best friend. It was a horrible, wholly consuming feeling that blew the flimsy twinge she had felt for Lavender Brown in sixth year away completely. Every time Harry glanced at her with his green eyes, Hermione's chest was crushed with desperation and a gradual emptiness started to build in her. Still, she hid it, because more than anything, she wanted Harry to be happy, and she didn't think he would like his bushy-haired, snaggletooth friend to ruin everything.

On Harry and Ginny's wedding day, Hermione was Ginny's maid of honor, a position that only filled her with guilt. It took everything she had not to scream out "I object!" when objections were asked for. She couldn't object, she had no right to. She had lost Harry long before. A smile was on her face though she was broken. Everything in her screamed in protest, writhing and boiling and fighting desperately against her self-control, demanding attention like a spoiled four-year-old.

If only she had realized before, if only she hadn't been too proud to tell Harry yes, only months after pining after Ron, she was in love with him. There were so many ifs, and it broke Hermione's heart to think of all the possibilities and opportunities she'd had.

He had made Hermione feel like a girl, though he never seemed to notice it himself. There was something about the way she and Harry rotated around each other that made her sure it would have lasted through time. If only he'd noticed her. If only she'd noticed him earlier

That night, at the reception, it finally hit her. She had really lost him forever. She bawled on Ron's shoulder, she hoped he thought it was just the alcohol and nostalgia that came with the day that made her so. Hermione could not shake the horrible feeling of irony. It was so recent that she had gone to Harry for comfort about Ron, and now it was the opposite, only she had cared a great deal less about Ron and Harry had made her feel a great deal better. Her eyes were red and swollen, but she gave a beautiful speech.

After, Hermione didn't know what to do except marry Ron. There was no other option, and she clung to the hope that a part of her loved Ron, too. Once she realized that it would indirectly tie her to Harry forever, she had pushed Ron for a proposal. After all, who else could she end up with now?

Harry was so happy for them. He had almost broken Ron's hand in congratulations and then gone and babbled to everyone she knew about it. It was sickening, but then she was ashamed for feeling that way. She became utterly disgusted with herself and her selfish ways: Ron didn't deserve to be thrown around like a toy, especially after everything he'd gone through to win her. She tried to give him what she could, if not real love then at least feigned.

Hermione hated feeling this way, she hated herself for loving Harry and at the same time not being quite able to let go of Ron. Why couldn't she bring herself to love the person she promised herself to? Why couldn't she let him go? Why was she so completely selfish?

She hadn't felt beautiful in her wedding dress. She felt like a cow and a fraud.

And so she had come to this place, where she was the unloving housewife of Ronald Weasley. Hermione Weasley. Hermione Jane Bloody Granger Weasley. It did the opposite of roll off the tongue, more like tumble and snag. To call it an ugly name would be a hideous understatement. Ron didn't understand her, and for her sanity, Hermione hoped that she still might understand Harry better than Ginny did. Maybe if she'd only known earlier, her happiness could have been salvaged. But then again, maybe not.

After all, Harry had chosen Ginny, not her.

You like it? I loved writing it. Yeah it's a little mindless, but I never bought the whole R/Hr thing, they really did make each other petty and small, and I just don't think they would've been happy together. Theirs was a relationship I saw starting but never lasting, while I felt Hermione and Harry had a much more realistic compatability, she always understood him much better, and they had a deeper connection then the Harry/Ginny nonsense.

If you guys want, I may extend this into a two or three shot. Let me know if you think it's worth it by leaving a review.

Constuctive criticism always welcome,

Thanks for reading

-ryrous