Lesson Number Three

Death was easy but life was hell. Getting up in the morning each day to face the product of your choices was half the battle. Living with the reactions from fellow peers was another part. The rest was debating on whether or not to go through with it again. How to go through that battle was the war. Living with it in the open was hard and you risked sniper fire from those closest to you since words hurt more than physical bullets. Going into battle in silence could tear away at the soul and in turn affect the relationship between the people that matter the most.

Sam and Dean had gone their separate ways after that battle with War, one of the horsemen of the Apocalypse. Sam thought that he couldn't be trusted to hunt considering that he just as much admitted to becoming addicted to demon blood. Dean thought his brother couldn't be trusted because he chose a demon over his own brother and that was underlined by other things that he somewhat admitted to Sam but didn't really elaborate. Both had split and it looked like neither was going to make the first move unless something was done about it.

Dean pulled into a shabby motel that looked like it had seen better days. It was the usual standard for low funds and keeping a low profile. He glanced over at the passenger seat half expecting to see his Sasquatch of a brother sitting there and half expected to see Angela make some comment about appearances from the back seat. Of course there was nothing there. Sam and he agreed to separate but he pushed her away by demanding to be left alone and she walked out without another word after giving a slight nod of agreement. He felt like an ass afterwards but now what's done is done. He parked next to a nice bike and requested his room.

It was strange being in a single but Dean made the best of it. After bringing in the essentials, he decided on a hot shower and a good night's sleep. The shower relaxed him enough that he felt he was going to get the sleep he wanted… after he had a nice busty beauty. He went to open the box that he had brought in and was thoroughly startled when a soft voice said, "You always did resort to food or drink when something bothered you."

Dean took a couple of breaths before turning around and saw her standing in the middle of his room. The door had been locked when he last checked so he frowned and said in a gruff voice, "Yeah well you would pig out too Angie if you had any idea what I'm going through."

Angela looked at Dean with that inquisitive puppy look she got when she was puzzled by something. It was annoying because it was cute like Sam's puppy dog eyes and they both worked on Dean. She replied in a firm voice that was laced with sarcasm equal to Dean's, "Oh I do have an idea Dean."

"Right, like you've ever had a brother who betrayed you and started the bloody Apocalypse." Dean glared at Angela. "Wait you never had a brother so you don't know."

Angela moved with a fast speed until she was standing toe to toe with Dean. She didn't have to use physical violence like a push and shove like the boys would do with each other. Her speed was enough to scare them when they got into a tiff because they knew that she could strike before they could get the idea react. She looked at Dean in the eye and said, "I know plenty."

"Really because I could've sworn that you took Sam's side or rather he went crying to you like the girl he is."

"I take both your sides, stupid Winchester," Angela retorted. She then sized up Dean before backing away. She had to walk away now. Once she was back to her original spot, she looked at Dean and added, "I take both sides because I know both sides of betrayal. I've been betrayed and the betrayer."

Dean was speechless for a moment. True he had accused her of betrayal in not so many words but that they settled the score a long time ago. This was the first time she openly admitted anything related to betrayal. Finding his voice, he replied, "What do you mean?"

"As I said Dean," Angela replied in a softer tone. She took softer breaths until she was like her usual self. "I've been betrayed and a betrayer but I want to talk about being betrayed."

"Fair enough," Dean replied, his own voice softening.

There was no easy way to say this and the best way was going to sound like the mental games she played with the boys on occasion. Still she had to make her point. She started, "I know you are thinking that Sam betrayed you because of the demon bitch and you are justified in thinking so but to say you can't trust… that's the same as saying that you don't forgive."

"How can it be the same?" Dean frowned. Was it the same?

"I'll let you figure that out for yourself. Introspection seems to be a good way to go," Angela replied as she started her pacing. It was leisurely but it relieved some of the earlier tension. "Dean I am worried that you are going to go on pushing your brother away because you can't forgive him and that is because you can't forgive yourself. I know you can't forgive yourself for the things you've done in hell and what the dicks with wings made you do. I know because I was in that same position myself… when I was in hell."

Dean had a hard time swallowing at that revelation. Angela had made comments before about the pit and it never occurred to him to think about it. Now that he could, he realized she had let on that she knew something about it. Then there were the comments made by Alistair and how they seemed very personal. "You were in the pit?"

"Three times but the last was… somewhat different." Angela stopped pacing and looked Dean full on. She could see the questions forming and she replied, "Yes Alistair did a number on me. He had all the time in the world literally. That was my longest stint in hell. A year topside so roughly the equivalent of a hundred and twenty years."

"That long?"

Angela nodded. "The rack was child's play. It was the blood draining that was torture. Lenya was the one that led that game of hers. It's hard to describe but for vampires and even a Halfling like me, to have another vampire or any creature that drinks blood drink from you, it's like the equivalent of sex. The endorphins produced are a high equivalent to the high drugs produced. I hated it. At the end Ali would make the same offer: he would stop if I would torture souls. In the end he forced me to kill them in combat. It was kill or be killed."

Dean felt like he was reliving his time with Alistair. Sure the demon was dead now thanks to Sam but he still left a mark on his soul. To hear that Angela went through something similar was having it dragged out in the open and he wanted to know why she was doing this. He choked out, "Why are you telling me this?"

Angela looked at the pained look on Dean's face. She could tell he was remembering his time in the pit. She hadn't wanted to cause him pain but she had to give both him and Sam this point. She could see that there would be many such times like these in the future. She replied, "You once asked me how I was able to forgive so easily especially after what happened in Hudson, Wyoming. Dean, I am able to forgive because I was able to forgive myself at some point. I don't think you've forgiven yourself for the things you did in the pit and because of that, you have a hard time forgiving your brother."

"Angie, I've done things that I can't describe and I actually liked it. How can I forgive myself?"

"I liked the thrill of the kill and occasionally I still relish the feeling from when I killed souls but deep down as much as I tried to justify it as survival, I knew I could have done better. I still work for it and if you want the truth, I have you and Sam to thank for it. I still feel guilt for your mother and father but I guess I can rest a little easy knowing that I am here helping you two." Angela gave a slight shrug of her shoulders. It was complicated to voice but she knew that it was true. "Absolution comes from absolve meaning to set free from an obligation or the consequences of guilt. You have to set yourself free Dean and I am not asking you to do it right now but eventually. Life it too short and I can tell you that from experience."

Dean thought about it for a moment. He was still reeling from the guilt of hell and part of him wanted to curse at Angela for bringing it up when they had the friggin' Apocalypse upon them. He also wanted to thank her for her words and he realized that she did know more than she let on at times and it made her seem more… human. "You're timing could be considered lousy or perfect."

"I try," Angela replied, recognizing the deflection as a sign that he was thinking. She could leave him now to think about it while she paid a visit to Sam.

"You make it seem easy but it's hard. I mean Sam broke the final seal..."

"If you want to cast blame in situations like these, just remember that there is always going to be several pointing right back," Angela replied. "It's easy to cast blame and even harder to own up to mistakes. That's part of the journey of absolution." She went towards the door and opened it. She looked back at Dean and gave a slight smile. He was a stubborn Winchester so this one would be a work in progress. "I have to go now but I'll be within traveling distance. Give me a call."

Dean watched her walk out of his room. He was tempted to call her back but his gut was telling him that she had something else to do. He turned inwardly to think about what she said when he heard the roar of an engine. Walking to the window, he saw that sweet motorbike pull out and take off down the highway.

It was mundane work but it was something to do while he got his life together after all that. Sam kept his eye on the lemons he was slicing with precision and couldn't help but think about her doing the same thing but in a kitchen and ten times faster. It gave him a reason to smile while working and it also distracted his thoughts from other things.

"Hey Keith, when you're finished with that, make sure those back tables get cleared."

Sam looked at his boss and gave a slight nod to indicate that he heard. The life of a busboy and he was a Stanford graduate. There was some sort of irony to it but she would have at least made it funny and Dean would have milked it for what it was worth. At that Sam focused on his brother and everything that he had done. He started the bloody Apocalypse. He sprung Lucifer out of the cage. The worst thing was he chose a demon over his own brother. The thing was he thought he was doing it for the right reasons and he tried to make Dean see that but in the end, it just tore them apart.

Heaving a sigh, he finished the lemons and scoped them into the bin he had for them and cleaned up. He then picked up his bucket and went to collect the glasses from the back tables where there had been a big party earlier. He was in the middle of putting the glasses in to wash in the back when someone came in, "Hey Keith, you got a visitor. Boss told me to get you."

At first Sam thought it was Dean but he quickly discounted that since he was sure that his brother didn't want anything to do with him right now. He wondered who it was since there were few people who knew he was there as he wiped his hands and took off his apron. He went up to the front and looked around. It was then he saw her leaning against the bar looking up at the television and watching the news with interest.

"Angie?"

Angela looked away from the news and the usual about world politics and the like. There were some interesting omens there and she might call a few people later. She focused on the one person she had come to see. "Hey."

"What are you doing here?"

"I came to talk. Your boss was kind enough to let you off for a couple of hours and said you could make it up," Angela replied as she studied the young hunter.

Sam looked towards the door and then back to the door leading to the kitchen. He leaned forward and whispered, "I'm not even going to ask how you managed that."

"Good. Then get your shit together and let's go."

Sam had no choice but to follow. He knew that tone well and unlike Dean, he wasn't stupid enough to disregard it. Once they were outside, he followed beside her as she started walking in no particular direction. He repeated his question from earlier, "So what are you doing here Angie? How did you know where to look?"

"I just followed my nose," Angela replied. It wasn't exactly true. It was like some internal tick or something. She always managed to find the boys no matter what and it had only become more pronounced in recent months and she had little clue as to why but that was not the issue now. "I came because I needed to speak to you… about this new arrangement."

Sam stopped right then and there and replied, "Don't try to fix this Angie. Dean and I both agreed to this."

"And for the obvious and emotional reasons as flawed and unflawed as they are."

Sam tried not to roll his eyes and stopped walking. He knew she would follow suit and she did and looked at him waiting for him to speak. "What do you know about it? It's only right that I stay away. I can't be trusted because of the demon blood."

"If that's the case then I can't be trusted either."

"And what is that supposed to mean? You hate drinking blood and you don't do it unless you've had serious blood loss. Unless you started drinking the stuff when Dean and I both weren't looking." Sam was agitated at this because he knew there was a point to it and she had a way of dropping bombshells. He thought he might take a stab at guessing what it was before having a chance to be surprised.

"Actually it was before I met the both of you, during my last stint in hell." The words flowed easily our of Angela's mouth. It was easy because she told Dean, if not all the details, about it.

Sam stopped being agitated and frowned. Did he hear her right? "What do you mean your last stint in hell?"

"I've been to hell and back… three times and the last was my longest and where I acquired my little problem," Angela replied, "So I know exactly what you mean about thinking about it. Even after a couple of centuries the feeling is still there."

Sam couldn't believe what he was hearing. She, the selfless and caring and kind and… his thoughts were racing… How could she be addicted to demon blood? "You…"

Angela smiled. It didn't hurt that much anymore. "Yes. I am an addict so I know that feeling of empowerment. Makes you feel like you could do anything."

Sam gave that slight twist of his head when he was thinking about what was being said. Then when she started mentioning the feeling the demon blood gave, he wanted to shout at her to stop but he didn't. She was right. She did know the feeling and he could feel it as she spoke. "Angie, why are you here?"

Angela sighed a bit. Tough love was hard to administer but it had to be done. She could baby both brothers but sometimes they needed a good smack in the head. "I don't want to make you feel it anymore than you wish to forget it. You're trying to live with the fact that you have a problem, a concept not too far from the lesson I gave Dean before he went to hell. That's a good thing and I think you understand that there are going to be people who will bring it up but you accept and move on. However I think you are struggling with something else."

Sam looked above her head trying to find the words to say. Staying angry with her was difficult especially when he knew she was right. Dean admitted as much when they had their brotherly talks. Since he was in this conversation, he might as well finish it. "What do you think it is?"

"Redemption. You want to take it all back but you know that's not going to happen so you want to make up for it in different ways. It's a hard path."

"It's not every day that you start the Apocalypse like I did."

Angela heard the dejected tone in Sam's voice as he leaned against the building they were besides. His hands were in his pockets as he looked down at her. She replied a little forceful, "Hey, If you want to blame yourself for the Apocalypse, then make sure you point a finger at your brother for breaking the first seal and don't forget me. If it weren't for me Azazel wouldn't have been set free and events wouldn't have been set in motion to what they are now. There's plenty of room for that crap. The problem is between you and your brother. The lies, the secrets and choosing the demon bitch over the sane or insane advice of family and trusted friends… that is what got you both here."

Sam was surprised at the forcefulness she was giving him. She rarely spoke to him like that and when she did, she could appear scary. She did and she didn't right now. She did have a point though. He was blaming himself but if he thought about it, he could see how she was right. Point a finger at one and you have three pointing back at you. "I'll concede that Angie but how am I supposed to get past this? There's nothing anyone can say or do is going to punish me more than me punishing myself."

"You want redemption, you have to work for it. I still do. Thing is that anything you do won't mean a damn thing if you can't do one thing for yourself."

"What is that?"

Angela gave a frown that meant that Sam should have realized the obvious but it was gone quickly. She could be tough but she wasn't cruel. She couldn't help it though, "What the dicks with wings know me as: absolution."

Sam finally looked at Angela after staring off. He didn't need her to explain the word or the root it comes from. He knew what it meant as it dawned on him why she mentioned her addiction problem and then wrapped it up with her tirade and shot down his efforts so far. "You mean…"

"My ability to forgive so easily and mean it is because I forgive myself." Angela gave a slight shuffle with her feet as she adjusted her standing position. "Forgiveness is a wonderful thing Sam and must be earned but you have to forgive yourself in order for it to mean something, especially for others. Just don't think it as a one time deal. Forgiveness is something that can be considered a work in progress. There's always going to be crap to bring you back to that place of guilt and punishment."

Sam studied Angela as she turned to study the position of the sun in that weird way she did. Dean had tried giving her a watch as a birthday gift one year and she wore it but she hardly looked at it if ever. What she said was something to think on. He suddenly remembered when she talked to him about focus and balance and figured that he had to start with lesson number one again and eventually get to lesson three. He replied, "I guess it's something to think on. Thanks Angie."

Angela smiled as she looked away from the sun. "All I ask is that. I have to go now but I'll be in touch or you can call." She gave Sam a pat on the shoulder even though she wanted to do something else that she knew she couldn't do. Not now anyway. "I got a case in a small town thirty miles away. Simple salt and burn." She walked to where her bike was and pulled out her glasses. She straddled the bike and gave a slight nod.

Sam watched her drive off, surprised that she was riding motorcycles now. As he walked back to his job, he felt a little better about the whole thing. There was still some shit he had to work out in his mind but somehow things might get better.

A/N: And here we come to the conclusion of the lesson one shots. Or is it really the end? After all to seek absolution is an ongoing process. Thanks for reading and reviewing.