A/N: My poor, pathetic first attempt at a fandom I have long loved. Inspired by the song "Trying not to love you" by Nickelback. I think of Tony and Gibbs every time I hear it. My attempt at making a male character pine for another without being "girly". Seeing as I am female, this makes for an interesting attempt.

Warnings: Implied slash. Tibbs. No real spoilers but up to Season 5 is necessary for understanding.

Disclaimer: The obvious own nothing blah blah blah...

"On your six, Boss!"

"Yes, Boss!"

"Right away, Boss!"

"On it, Boss!"

The phone on the nightstand buzzed, the familiar James Bond theme song causing Tony's eyes to snap open. He blinked then groaned. Scrunching up his nose, he blindly reached for the noisy device and flipped it open and held it to his ear.

"DiNozzo."

He said nothing more as he listened to the gruff voice on the other end of the line, saying only a simple, "On it, Boss."

He didn't think the other person heard him as the sound of the other hanging up on him filled his ear. He sighed again before he sat up, rubbing his eyes as the sheets became tangled in his lap. He lurched to his feet and walked unsteadily to the bathroom. With a flip of the light switch, Tony blinked at the blinding light and eyed his reflection, which stared blearily back. He stepped forward and gripped the sides of the basin and bowed his head as he worked up the courage to look at himself again. Breathing deep, he looked up. Green eyes narrowed as he tried to look at himself objectively. Narrow face, black shadows under his eyes. A tangled mess of hair that would probably get some scathing comments. Probably not worth styling since it was likely that a headslap or two would all too soon ruin the effort.

"Pathetic DiNozzo. Rule Number 3 may be 'Never be unreachable', but it's just a little pathetic how you fall at his feet the moment he calls. How you can't ignore him and then try justifying it by saying nobody ignores Gibbs and his dynamic personality... Doesn't change how pathetic you are."

Somhow, the pep talk didn't do so much for his morale. He opened the cabinet near the mirror and eyed the various bottles and considered the possibility of including his inhaler and some medication in his gear for this case.

"Pity there's not been a pill invented yet that can help me forget...God knows I haven't found one yet." He muses as he swipes the bottle of pain killers and his inhaler and chucked the two through the doorway to the other room, both objects landing on his bed for him to pack in his bag later. No longer able to look at his reflection, Tony grabs his toothbrush and begins the mundane task of getting ready, mentally and physically.

"McGee, bag and tag; David, talk to witnesses and corroborate statements and DiNozzo, photos."

Each crime scene vividly reminds Tony of a time when Gibbs wasn't there to bark orders, a time when it was he who would ask Ziva and McGee to complete various tasks and struggle with their discontent and borderline disrespect. Every time Gibbs gruffly demands nothing but his best, he flinches before a smile forces its way on his face as he complies with a "Right away, Boss!".

And he pretends like Gibbs' sabbatical to Mexico hadn't felt like knives stabbing his heart with every day that passed. He pretends that the distance which continues to exist between them hasn't made the feeling remain even though Gibbs is physically standing in front of him.

How could anyone ask for more?

There is no silver lining, not when it feels like you have been kicked to the ground so often that you feel as though you will never get back up again. Why was it is never enough?

How could he ask for more?

"You'll do."

God, he was trying to...dying to...

He kept trying and trying to but what for?

Tony glanced across the bullpen and caught his breath as he watched Gibbs growl in frustration at his computer. Tony decided to risk an actual look at Gibbs, taking in as quickly as possible the broad shoulders underneath the grey jacket, the silver hair and the blue eyes which could pierce the soul. Whether one believed in eyes being the windows to the soul or not, Gibbs had the most intense stare ever encountered. Now, whenever Tony looked at someone, he was startled when it wasn't those steely blues eyes gazing back at him. He actually missed the shiver which would travel down his spine whenever Gibbs looked at him. If he looked at anyone else and he didn't get that shiver, Tony would begin to raise his defences, because it felt so wrong somehow...

Tony came back to himself when he felt those eyes meet his across the bullpen. He shook his head and offered a small upward curve of the lips at the raised eyebrows. He nodded before he went back to his computer screen, bracing himself as he dove back into the case.

It's the kind of pain which only time takes away...which is why it was so hard to let go. He loved his job; he had never loved a job like he loved NCIS. Despite the way he was treated sometimes and let's face it, he brought some of it on himself with his façade, he felt that he could trust his co-workers and in general he was trusted as well. He was valued here. Yet, everything reminded Tony of him. There was not one part of the building or not one object that didn't remind him of Gibbs in some way and now, whenever he looked around his apartment he found memories of Gibbs flashing before his eyes. There was nothing he could do without thinking of Gibbs. There was no escape.

Why couldn't he let it go? Why couldn't he let Gibbs go?

Why was it that in trying not to love Gibbs, he only loved him more?

Trying not to need him only went so far...

Tony was desperate for a distraction from thoughts which had no right to be in his head, especially as it was a rare night at home and not working late on a case. He turned to his television and DVDs, needing something simple for pure enjoyment while also needing a storyline complicated enough to truly distract. Ah, James Bond and Sean Connery never fails. Fight bad guys, save the day and bed the girl.

"Very James Bond, does it tell the time too?"

So many things Tony tried not to think about as he attempted to immerse himself in the plot. There were so many things which went unsaid between him and Gibbs. Once upon a time, Gibbs would have understood without the words being necessary, but post-explosion Gibbs didn't get it and probably never would.

Tony walked briskly towards the coffee shop. One scathing comment too far from McGee found him needing to put some much needed space between him and everybody else. Why couldn't anyone make the effort to see past the façade and see that he was struggling? That he was being torn apart by these feelings which would never be reciprocated?

Ah but Tony, his inner voice was harsh as he reminded himself, there is no silver lining, no happily ever after for this story. Damn Hollywood.

So basically, Tony was destined to remain half the person he actually was for the remainder of his career at NCIS. To remain this sad, pathetic, torn individual who was stupid enough to fall in love with his boss. An individual who kept falling more and more in love with Gibbs every day, because for some twisted reason in trying not to, he only loved him more...

Despite not being the same man he fell in love with 9 years ago, the Gibbs who woke up from the explosion was still fairly lovable in his own, gruff way.

Tony sighed as he paid for his coffee, something which he was drinking more and more often to help him cope with the pace Gibbs set when solving crimes. As he ambled back to NCIS, his thoughts turned to his actions recently.

Maybe it wasn't that Gibbs wasn't the same since the explosion. What if it was something he had said?

Tony thought back to all the cases the Major Crimes Response Team had encountered recently and his words and actions throughout each case. It was difficult to tell if it was something he had said because he hadn't received any headslaps lately. Even though he had tried saying a few things to deliberately provoke a slap, there was nothing. How could he judge if his actions were inappropriate or wrong without a headslap? Without headslaps, how could you tell if the world wasn't right according to Gibbs?

Tony sat down on a park bench with his coffee cup and scrunched up his nose as he thought. For a few minutes, he amused himself people watching as a distraction. It was amazing how much you could tell about a person from their walk and the clothes they wore. Getting sick of his game, he placed his palms flat on the bench and leaned his weight back on his hands as he gazed up at the sky through the leafy canopy of a tree.

Life would be so much simpler if he were a tree.

Maybe it wasn't his actions but another red head which had Gibbs acting so distant?

That thought caused Tony's gut to roll in distress so he went back to his musing on the benefits of being a tree, straining to concentrate on that. He was feeling so divided, with his thoughts attempting to pull him in a different direction from trees, that he didn't feel the presence behind him until a voice said quietly in Tony's ear,

"Don't look at me. I don't think I could tell you this if you looked at me...I've been dying to tell you...trying not to love you has been tearing me apart."

I could hear the hitch in his breath as he fought back tears.

"I know Rule 12 is 'never date a co-worker', but every time I try to fight these feelings, for another man, for my trusted second-in-command, for my friend...I just fall more and more in love with you. I just...need you so desperately. I don't know anyone else I would prefer to have on my six. I know if we tried, we could be so much more and we could make it work, Tony."

Tony shifted his weight and closed his eyes to savour the moment, taking the time to etch the tone of the voice in his memory so he could draw upon it in times of stress. Slowly, he turned and looked into intense blue eyes. Tony smiled a genuine smile for what seemed like the first time in years. He turned his body around and leaned forward, slow enough to give the other time to back away, time to realise that he was mistaken and to take back everything.

Blue eyes crinkled at the corners as lips met in a light brush that spoke of the depths of their feelings with promises of more. More words would come later, some scars opened anew only to be healed as differences were set aside. For now though, words weren't necessary and everything was communicated with a kiss and a look.

Tony thought he could see the silver lining, now he knew what he was fighting for.