Ffn doesn't do Homestuck formatting very well, so if anyone's having trouble reading this look for the AO3 version, which has the right colours for everyone's text.
Dear John and Karkat,
Please find enclosed two tickets to the opening night of Wicked, or, as John has taken to calling it, 'that play thing you keep talking about.' Kanaya and I sincerely hope you will make use of them to witness the stage debut of Kanaya's marvellous costumes.
Really It Is Only A Local Production And You Do Not Need To Come All This Way Just To See The Costumes But Rose Insists On Sending Everyone These And It Has Been Far Too Long Since We Last Met Up Anyway So Please Take This As An Open Invitation
Kanaya's modesty aside, I fully expect to see you both there, or you shall suffer the consequences.
Your loving friends,
Rose Lalonde
Kanaya Maryam
"I Am So Glad You Could Come It Is So Nice To See You Karkat And You Too John I Am Afraid No One Else Was Able To Come At Such Short Notice And I –"
"Kanaya, dear, everything is going to be fine. There's no need to babble. Dave and Terezi will be joining us tomorrow, and Jade and Gamzee have promised they'll be here as soon as they can catch a flight."
"FORGET THOSE IDIOTS, AT LEAST SOME OF YOUR FRIENDS HAD THE DECENCY TO DROP EVERYTHING FOR YOU. NOT THAT THERE WAS MUCH TO DROP AT EGBERT'S HOUSE."
"i'm really excited to finally see all these costumes rose keeps telling me about!"
"Yes Well I Think That Is What Is About To Happen Or So I Hope Assuming Nothing Goes Horribly Wrong."
"WHAT'S THIS PLAY ABOUT, ANYWAY?"
"It's based on the Wizard of Oz –"
"That Is The Human Equivalent Of 'In Which A Young Tealblood Is Transported From Her Lusus By Unnatural Meteorological Conditions, Accidentally Culls A Much-Feared Mutant –"
"I FUCKING HATED THAT MOVIE."
"karkat! keep your voice down or they'll kick us out. remember last time!"
"I DON'T CARE. THAT MOVIE WAS A STEAMING HEAP OF HEMOIST MOOBEASTSHIT."
"The Treatment Of Mutants Was Somewhat Cruel In The Human Version Also Although To A Lesser Degree Than The Alternian Version."
"However, this uneven treatment later inspired an author to repen the story from the viewpoint of the leading antagonist."
"wait! rose, is this whole musical just one big fanfic?"
"As the term is commonly defined, yes –"
"hahahaha-"
"But your implication is entirely false. No work is strictly original, after all. Wicked is in fact one of the most successful musicals of all time."
"hahaha-"
"EGBERT, I HOPE YOU REALISE THAT YOUR ABILITY TO LAUGH AT THINGS NO-ONE ELSE FINDS FUNNY IS ONE OF AT LEAST SIX HUNDRED AND EIGHTY THREE REASONS YOU ARE COMPLETELY INCAPABLE OF FINDING A MATESPRIT."
"ha."
"Oh My Goodness Its Time I Must Go I Have To Be Backstage To Help With Costume Changes."
"Good luck – not that you will need it, I'm sure."
"break a leg!"
"WHAT THE FUCK –"
"It's a theatrical tradition, Karkat. Although John, that phrase is customarily only offered to the actors. Now, I believe it is time for us to take our seats."
Your name is John Egbert and you are about to watch this play thing which is apparently a fanfic except not? You don't really know. You don't care, either, because you're sat between Karkat and Rose and oh! the lights just went down. You'd better stop narrating and pay attention.
Oh, wow, Kanaya really made that dress? She's amazing. You'll have to remember to tell her in the interval.
But right, the play.
Your name is John Egbert and this play is actually pretty good!
You know it's going to end badly, but right now it's really funny. The two girls who have to share a room are singing about how annoying each other is. You can relate to that! Karkat might be your best buddy, but he isn't the easiest person to room with.
Speaking of Karkat, he seems really wrapped up in this. Wait. Is he crying? Wow, he must be taking this really seriously.
He said earlier that the Troll Wizard Of Oz was about a mutant, so you guess maybe he feels bad for everyone bullying Elphaba? You've been teased about your glasses before, but maybe this is really getting to him? You should probably stop laughing. You don't want to be insensitive, or Rose will hit you.
But this song sure is hilarious!
"There will now be a fifteen minute interval."
"I should go and find Kanaya backstage. Do you two want anything from the foyer?"
"we're fine! tell kanaya her costumes were brilliant!"
"I will."
"wow, karkat! isn't this amazing! that last song was awesome! karkat... karkat, are you crying?"
"FUCK OFF."
"what's wrong?"
"IT'S JUST... UGH."
"tell me!"
"THAT WAS JUST A REALLY BEAUTIFUL QUADRANT FLIP, OKAY? FUCK, IGNORE ME, I'M SUCH A SAP WHEN IT COMES TO QUADRANT DRAMAS."
"okay. but, um... i'm not sure i know what you mean?"
"DO I HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT? FINE, I'M A NOOKSNIFFING MORON WHO RESPONDS TO THE SLIGHTEST HINT OF EMOTIONAL COMPLEXITY BY EXPELLING LARGE AMOUNTS OF GRIEF FLUID FROM MY OCULAR GLANDS LIKE A WRIGGLER WHOSE LUSUS TOOK AWAY HIS FAVOURITE CARCAS."
"bluh! you just make those things up to sound gross. and i know you cry at romantic movies, silly! i just don't know what you mean by quadrant drama. this is a human musical, not a troll romcom!"
"OH COME ON. THEY WERE TEXTBOOK BLACKFLIRTING, AND THEY OUTRIGHT JUST DECLARED MOIRALLEGIANCE. EVEN TEREZI WOULD HAVE NOTICED THAT."
"karkat!"
"OH, FUCK YOU, I JUST MEANT SHE IGNORES EVERYTHING EXCEPT MURDERS AND JUSTICE. AND REALLY OBVIOUS QUADRANT FLIPS LIKE THAT ONE."
"Are You Two Enjoying The Performance?"
"it's great kanaya! but karkat –"
"KANAYA. THAT SONG. JEGUS, I..."
"I Know It Was Quite A Shock For Me Also."
"IT WAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I'VE EVER FUCKING HEARD. HOW THE GLUBSPEAKING HORRORTERRORS DID A HUMAN WRITE THAT?"
"um..."
"John, it transpires that Alternian culture, though in many ways more developed than our own, never contained a musical interpretation of kismessisitude."
"IT'S A STUPID FUCKING IDEA, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT ACTUALLY WORKED. YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN BE ABLE TO WRITE A HATESONG THAT GOOD."
"I Had Hoped You Would Appreciate It As I Do."
"but... this is a human musical! it can't have quadrants in it!"
"John, surely even you noted the kismesisic overtones in Glina and Elphaba's initial interactions?"
"GLINDA ALL BUT FUCKING STATED HER PITY FOR ELPHABA AT THE DANCE, YOU IDIOT."
"The Timid Declaration Of Friendship Between The Two Is Strongly Reminiscent Of A Burgeoning Moirallegiance."
"but..."
"Human culture is hardly devoid of quadrant-like relationships. This play is simply one of the more obvious examples."
"WHOEVER WROTE THIS UNDERSTOOD QUADRANTS PERFECTLY. I CAN'T BELIEVE A HUMAN MANAGED TO WRITE THIS AND THERE ISN'T EVEN A TROLL EQUIVALENT."
"I Suspect If A Equivalent Once Existed It Would Have Been Banned For Pro Mutant Sympathies."
"OKAY. THAT EXPLAINS IT. NO WAY A TROLL DIDN'T WRITE THIS FIRST."
"I Must Be Going Now I Hope You Enjoy The Second Half."
"I'm sure we will."
Your name is John Egbert and you aren't sure you really get this any more.
You were enjoying the first act but you never noticed any quadrants? Well, you suppose that the two girls were arguing a lot at first and now they're friends and that's kind of what moirallegiance is but you still don't really see it.
You guess you still don't really understand troll romance?
But the second act is starting so you'll worry about this later.
Your name is John Egbert and wow. That was really, really good.
The end was so sad, though, and that duet they sang together made you really miss Dave and Jade which is silly when you'll see them both later this week! But somehow you wound up holding Rose's hand and also Karkat's and then you guess you maybe cried a little?
But it was also kind of beautiful?
"So What Did You Think?"
"Kanaya, that was, as I fully expected, utterly amazing."
"brilliant!"
"YOU ARE A GENIUS, LIKE YOU NEEDED ME TO TELL YOU THAT."
"Oh. And Did You Like The Play?"
"THAT WAS SUCH A FUCKING DISASTER IN THE BEST POSSIBLE WAY. I MEAN GLINDA WAS SO OBVIOUSLY FLUSHED FOR ELPHABA."
"That is a popular interpretation of the relationship."
"BUT AT THE SAME TIME THEY'RE CARRYING ON THIS BEAUTIFUL MOIRALLEGIANCE, AND THEN FIYERO IS..."
Your name is John Egbert and you aren't entirely sure you understand what your friends are talking about. But that's okay! You get to come back tomorrow so Dave can see it, and again when Jade finally gets here.
Man, you hope Dave cries at the end so you can tease him about it.
That would be wicked!