The Faustian Contract. The contract that still burns upon my tongue. The contract that has brought Claude to me.
Claude.
I was captivated by him. That attraction grew into desire,desire to lust, lust to a burning passion.
This passion, that still burns in me.
But I know. I hope,pray,and dream of him loving me but that dream will never become real.
I know that he doesn't love me, doesn't even want me. His words and actions are so cold. I was only a meal to him, and now I am nothing to him.
Because of Ciel Phantomhive.
He longs for Ciel in the way that I long for him. I would do anything for him to love me like I love him.
But it is all a waste.
There is an ocean of grief inside of me. Grief for Claude. Grief for Luka. Grief for knowing, deep down inside, that no one truly cares for me. No one has and no one ever will. Except Luka.
Luka was the only one, the only person who truly cared. "You're terrific, so you'll get a terrific lot of wishes!" His words still echo in me, even after all this time. He loved me, and I only wanted to protect him.
But he is gone. Nevermore will he speak again. Nevermore will he say "Yes, your highness." Nevermore, will he ever smile at me.
The fire of passion and the ocean of grief fight within me. I take out the anger and frustration at Claude and Hannah, pretending like it is their fault.
But deep down, I know, that I am only pretending. Pretending that I am not Jim Macken but Alois Trancy. Pretending that when I command Claude to touch me, it is because he loves me.
I thought, I thought, Luka, that when I took the name Alois Trancy, with that name, I could let go. Let go of my past, let go of my pain for losing you, and let go of you.
I hoped that I could bury these memories and never look at them again. But I can't forget.
Because no one forgets their past. No one ever forgets what they knew first.
I know that I am deluding myself into believing that I am Alois Trancy.
But I will continue believing these lies.
Let this beautiful lie keep going on.
Until the end.