Heroes: Cell Block Tango
Author's Notes: Okay, this is just a weird little idea I had after listening to the "Cell Block Tango" a few times. Nothing you see here is mine, the "Cellblock Tango" and these characters all belong to their original owners; I'm just having fun with them.
Warnings: Character death, mentions of slash, and possible OOCness. (Not to mention obvious online translations.) Comments and helpful criticisms are very much welcome!
UPDATE: Made some changes, trying to make it more comprehensive.
As the music begins, all we can see is darkness. But then, a spotlight comes on, revealing six figures standing on a raised stage in the middle of a huge room, all dressed rather… provocatively, to say the least. One by one they step forward, each making a different gesture before stepping back into line.
Elle (making a slicing motion across her throat): Chop.
Meredith (holds up six fingers): Six.
Claire (Curling her fingers around an imaginary knife): Squish.
Maya (wringing her hands): Uh-Uh.
Nikki (letting out a puff of smoke from her cigarette): Ritz.
Daphne (forming a gun shape with one hand): Parkman!
In the darkness, we can see the vague outline of a figure, announcing: "And now the six merry murderesses of the New York County Jail will give their rendition of the Cellblock Tango."
The girls don't so much dance as provocatively slink across the stage, repeating their lines, which gain more intensity with every repetition.
Elle: Chop.
Meredith: Six.
Claire: Squish.
Maya: Uh-Uh.
Nikki: Ritz.
Daphne: Parkman!
Elle: Chop.
Meredith: Six.
Claire: Squish.
Maya: Uh-Uh.
Nikki: Ritz.
Daphne: Parkman!
Elle: Chop.
Meredith: Six.
Claire: Squish.
Maya: Uh-Uh.
Nikki: Ritz.
Daphne: Parkman!
Elle: Chop.
Meredith: Six.
Claire: Squish.
Maya: Uh-Uh.
Nikki: Ritz.
Daphne: Parkman!
All:
He had it coming,
He had it coming,
He only had himself to blame,
If you'd have been there,
If you'd have seen it,
Nikki: I betcha you would have done the same!
Elle: Chop.
Meredith: Six.
Claire: Squish.
Maya: Uh-Uh.
Nikki: Ritz.
Daphne: Parkman!
Elle: Chop.
Meredith: Six.
Claire: Squish.
Maya: Uh-Uh.
Nikki: Ritz.
Daphne: Parkman!
Then Elle steps up, glaring at an unseen audience as she begins to speak:
Elle (Spoken):
You know how some people have these little habits that get you down?
Like Sylar… Sylar liked to cut open people's heads. No, not cut… chop.
Anyways, I came home one day, and I am really irritated, and I'm looking for a little bit of sympathy,
And there's Sylar, with a fresh body on the table and cutting… No, not cutting…chopin'.
So, I said to him, said, "Sylar, you chop that body one more time.." And he did!
So raised my hand and fired two warning shots... into his head.
Others (simultaneously):
He had it coming,
He had it coming,
He had it coming,
He only had himself to blame,
If you'd have been there,
If you'd have heard it,
I betcha you would
Have done the same!
He had it coming,
He had it coming,
He had it coming,
He only had himself to blame,
If you'd have been there,
If you'd have heard it,
I betcha you would
Have done the same!
He had it coming,
He had it coming,
He had it coming,
He only had himself to blame,
If you'd have been there,
If you'd have heard it,
I betcha you would have done the same!
She steps back, no longer glaring but smirking a bvit at the thought of her deeds.
All:
He had it coming,
He had it coming,
He had it coming,
He only had himself to blame,
If you'd have been there,
If you'd have heard it,
I betcha you would have done the same!
Meredith steps forward, motioning with her hands as she speaks.
Meredith (Spoken):
I met Nathan Petrelli from New York about two years ago,
and he told me he was single, and we hit it off right away.
So, we started living together. He'd go to work, he'd come home,
I'd fix him a drink, we'd have dinner.
And then I found out…"Single" he told me? Single my ass.
Not only was he married...oh, no, he had six girlfriends. One of those guys, you know?
So that night, when he came home from work, I fixed him his drink as usual.
She pauses, and then smirks.
You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic!
Others (simultaneously):
He had it coming,
He had it coming,
He had it coming,
He only had himself to blame,
If you'd have been there,
If you'd have heard it,
I betcha you would
Have done the same!
He had it coming,
He had it coming,
He had it coming,
He only had himself to blame,
If you'd have been there,
If you'd have heard it,
I betcha you would have done the same!
He had it coming,
He had it coming,
He had it coming,
He only had himself to blame,
If you'd have been there,
If you'd have heard it,
I betcha you would bhave done the same!
She steps back, still smirking.
All:
He had it coming,
He had it coming,
He had it coming,
He only had himself to blame,
If you'd have been there,
If you'd have heard it,
I betcha you would have done the same!
He had it coming,
He had it coming,
He had it coming,
He only had himself to blame,
If you'd have been there,
If you'd have heard it,
I betcha you would have done the same!
Elle, Meredith, Claire, Nikki:
Hah! He had it coming, he had it coming,
He took a flower in its prime,
and the he used it, and he abused it,
It was a murder, but not a crime!
Nikki, Maya:
Chop, Six, Squish, Uh-Uh, Ritz, Parkman!
Claire steps up next, trying to sound calm, but gets angrier and angrier as she goes on.
Claire (Spoken):
Now, I'm standing in the kitchen just carvin' up the chicken for dinner,
just minding my own business, and in storms my dad in a furious rage.
"You've been screwing some punk!" He says.
He was crazy, and he kept on screaming, "You've been screwing some punk!"
She stops, and smiles cruelly.
And then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.
Nikki, Maya:
Chop, Six, Squish, Uh-Uh, Ritz, Parkman!
Chop, Six, Squish, Uh-Uh, Ritz, Parkman!
Chop, Six, Squish, Uh-Uh, Ritz, Parkman!
She takes a few steps back and casually crosses her arms.
All:
Chop, Six, Squish, Uh-Uh, Ritz, Parkman!
Chop, Six, Squish, Uh-Uh, Ritz, Parkman!
If you'd have been there,
If you'd have seen it,
I betcha you would have done the same!
Maya steps up now, wringing her hands and looking nervous.
Maya (Spoken in Spanish, sounding miserable)
¿Qué estoy haciendo aquí? Dijeron que mi hermano celebró mi novio y me cortó la cabeza fuera. Pero no es cierto. Soy inocente. No sé por qué el Tío Sam dice que lo hizo. He intentado explicar en la comisaría de policía pero que no acaba de entender...
Meredith (spoken): Yeah, but did you do it?
Maya (clasping her hands against her chest, now in English):
UH-UH, not guilty!
Now its Nikki's turn and she looks eager to tell her story, sounding not at all remorseful.
Nikki (spoken):
My sister Tracy and I did this double act at the club, and my husband, DL, used to come see us.
Now for the last number in our act, we did these 20 acrobatic tricks in a row,
One, two, three, four, five... splits, spread eagles, back flips, flip flops, one right after the other.
Anyway, one night before the show, we were in Ritz hotel in New York City, the three of us, sittin' up in a hotel room,
Boozin' and havin' a few laughs, And we ran out of ice, so I went out to get some.
I come back, open the door, and there's Tracy and DL doing Number Seventeen: the Spread Eagle!
She spreads out her hands, palms wide, still speaking calmly.
Well, I was in such a state of shock, I completely blacked out. I can't remember a thing.
It wasn't until later; when I was washing the blood off my hands I even knew they were dead.
Nikki:
They had it coming,
Others:
They had it coming,
Nikki:
they had it coming,
Others:
They had it coming,
Nikki:
They had it coming all along.
I didn't do it,
Others:
She didn't do it
Nikki:
but if I'd done it,
how could you tell me that I was wrong?
Nikki:
They had it coming,
Others:
They had it coming,
Nikki:
they had it coming,
Others:
They had it coming,
Nikki:
They had it coming all along.
Others:
They took a flower, in its prime,
Nikki:
I didn't do it,
Others:
And then they used it,
Nikki:
But if I'd done it,
Others:
And they abused it,
Nikki:
How could you tell me that I was wrong?
Others:
It was a murder, but not a crime!
Finally, Daphne comes up, her eyes hard and her voice cold.
Daphne spoken):
I loved Matt Parkman more than I can possibly say.
He was a real nice guy... sensitive...a cop.
But he was troubled. He was always trying to find himself.
He'd go out every night looking for himself and along the way,
He found Janice… Simone… Candice… and Mohinder.
I guess you can say we broke up because of personal differences.
He saw himself as alive… and I saw him dead.
Others (simultaneously):
He had it coming,
He had it coming,
He had it coming,
He only had himself to blame,
If you'd have been there,
If you'd have heard it,
I betcha you would have done the same!
All:
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum,
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum,
Elle, Meredith, Daphne:
They had it comin'
Nikki, Claire, Maya:
They had it comin'
Elle, Meredith, Daphne:
They had it comin'
Nikki, Claire, Maya:
They had it comin'
Elle, Meridith, Daphne:
They had it comin'
Nikki, Claire, Maya:
They had it comin'
Elle, Meridith, Daphne:
All along,
Nikki, Claire, Maya:
All along,
'Cause if they used us,
'Cause if they used us,
And they abused us,
And they abused us
How could you tell us
How could you tell us
That we were wrong?
That we were wrong?
He had it coming
He had it coming
He only had
Himself to blame.
If you'd have been there,
If you'd have seen it,
I betcha you would have done the same!
The lights begin to dim, and the girls stand in line again, each speaking a single line.
Elle (Spoken): You chop that body one more time!
Meredith (Spoken): Single my ass.
Claire (Spoken): Ten times!
Maya (Spoken in Spanish): ¿Por qué estoy en la cárcel del Tío Sam?
Nikki (Spoken): Number Seventeen - the spread eagle.
Daphne (Spoken): Personal differences.
The light fades out, but we still see glimpses of the women in brief, quick flashes.
Elle: Chop.
Meredith: Six.
Claire: Squish.
Maya: Uh-Uh!
Nikki: Ritz.
Daphne:Parkman!
As the lights fully go out, there is the bang of a cell door, and then… nothing.