Abby has suggested that for my healing process I start keeping a journal…Suggested is the wrong word; unless I write in this little dumb book everyday Abby won't give me working clearance so here we are. I'm writing in this book in order to coop with the nerve damage in my leg. At least that's what I'm supposed to be doing.
Abby said I should focus on how I feel and after what happened at the drop ship, my leg being injured, and all the other bullshit I've dealt with on the ground. I feel pissed. But I'm not going to wallow in it. Feelings like that just drag you down. How will writing down my feelings heal my leg or improve life on the ground? The answer is it won't. All it will do is take time away from me working with Sinclare and then life getting somewhat back to normal. But I can't do that if Abby won't give me medial clearance so here we are. The current plan is to write/make it look like I'm writing until Abby is satisfied….
So journal, to please our all knowing doctor I guess I'll give you a brief run down on the past few months. I was born on a space station called the Ark. Earth was wiped out a couple hundred years ago due to nuclear bombs; the lucky ones made it to space. At least that's what the leaders of the Ark told us. Fast-forward a few generations; the Ark is running out of air and it wasn't known if the ground was survivable or not. So the leaders of the Ark thought that sending 100 delinquents to the ground to see if they could survive was a good idea. That's how most of my friends ended up down here. I came down on my own (on a mission from Abby but right now she is not my favorite person so I'd rather not focus on that part) and now the entire Ark has made it to the ground. During the decent the different stations got separated so while the whole station made it to the ground we still do not know where all of our people are. Not that it would make that big of a difference to me; I am alone. I used to have Finn but now…he has Clarke and I have my work. I would say that I have my friends but 48 of the original 100 have disappeared.
Before our "leaders" made it to the ground I was shot in the leg. Now the bullet has moved towards my spine and has caused some nerve damage. Abby thinks that if we remove the bullet I won't make it through the surgery. But if the bullet stays in, I won't be able to walk. She is under the impression that if I write down my thoughts and feelings then I won't make a hasty decision. Thinks that writing out the pros and cons will help me process. Finn agrees with her. He doesn't want me to go into surgery if there is even the slightest chance I won't make it out alive; he thinks I should think about this more. But there is nothing to think about. While I was on the Ark working in Zero-G I didn't need my legs, but down here I do; the bullet is coming out.
I told both Finn and Abby that the bullet is coming out so now I have to sit and wait as they prep the Camp's makeshift medical center for surgery. I won't have any drugs to knock me out and will feel everything. While that sounds like hell I now that if I get through this then I'll be able to survive the ground.
Surgery was awful but I survived. Finn held my hand through the whole thing and even though I was under the knife I felt save for the first time since coming to the ground. Growing up Finn was all I had. He understood me. He had sacrificed everything to see my dream of being a zero-G mechanic come true. Whenever I needed him he was there but ever since coming down from the Ark things between us haven't been easy. He has fallen in love with Clarke, Abby's daughter. I mean what's not to love? She's artistic and smart and sensitive and people listen to her. She's the princess. What guy wouldn't want to end up with the princess? While I hate to think this way I think the only reason Finn was here during my surgery is because Clarke is missing. If she were at camp I would either be on my own or would have both Finn and Clarke watching over me. I'm grateful that the latter did not happen. I don't dislike Clarke but I couldn't take seeing her and the only person I've had care about me look over my like I was a fragile broken thing. I'd rather be alone than viewed as broken. That's part of the reason I told Finn to leave.
After I woke up from the surgery (I passed out at some point due to pain) Abby tested my legs to see if there was any nerve damage. My right leg was fine, I can feel everything from hip to toes but my left leg…I don't have any feeling in it past my upper thigh. Even after all of that I am crippled. Finn tried to help but listening to him yell at Abby to test my leg again only made me feel worse. I couldn't take coming to grips with him loving another girl over while he tried to help me come to grips with my new, permanent condition. Abby told me to rest then gave Finn and I the room; I told Finn to be gone by the time I woke up. 48 of the people that I had begun to get to know were missing. Monty, Jasper, Miller, Harper and dozens more haven't been seen since we re-launched the drop ship to save ourselves from the grounders. I think that if the 48 are found and reunited with the rest of us maybe things won't seem so bleak. I could look around at others' happy moments and feel happy in return. But right now I feel like pretty low.