Fear and Hope
Disclaimer: Really? I tell you now, that if I owned Castle, those two would've been up to all sorts of things that definitely don't fit in with the whole, Unresolved Sexual Tension look.
Summary: A simple revelation leads to a powerful realisation.
"When did they say they would be here, Dad?" Alexis asked.
It had taken weeks. About three. Rick had been pestering Kate to bring her father and have dinner at the loft for weeks, that is. And after three weeks of said pestering, Kate had finally given up resisting with an exasperated acceptance. So now they were waiting for Kate and her father to arrive. It wasn't any special day for the rest of New York, not a day worth celebrating to most, but it was a special day for the Castles. After all, the whole Beckett family had never come for dinner before.
"Around six thirty," Rick called from the kitchen.
"And how's the dinner going?" Alexis asked. She was setting the table. Rick may have a vested interest in keeping Kate happy, and Alexis supposed that on some level this was supposed to be one of their non-couple activities. She snorted quietly. Non-couple indeed. Everybody who knew the two of them was snorting about their non-couple status these days.
"I'm just finishing the sauce," Rick replied.
Another half hour passed. They set the table, laid out the food and waited. The waiting took about five minutes of the half hour, but to Rick it felt like ages. Recently, he and Beckett had been crossing their line between friends and couple even more. Late night movies and dinners. Lunches. The occasional sleep over, often preceded by calls in the middle of the night. When Kate and Josh had broken up, Rick didn't want to push her, but it seemed that she was pushing him more. It made Rick a little wary that their 'relationship' was heating up just after a break-up, but he knew Kate. And Kate didn't do things she didn't believe in.
"Katie, are we going in or not?" Jim Beckett asked his daughter. They were waiting outside the door to Richard Castle's loft, and Kate was standing there, staring at the door.
"I'm just steeling myself," she defended. She'd been apprehensive of coming. It was an intimate family dinner, something that she wasn't sure she was ready to do with Castle. Sure, they'd been flirting a lot more recently, but that was mostly her. In truth, most of the things they'd been doing recently had been her doing. She wasn't sure why exactly, but after her break-up with Josh, it had all hit her. What Jordan Shaw had said last year, what Kyra had said ages ago. Most importantly though, she didn't want Castle to be an 'if only.'
Jim sighed. "Don't worry. It'll be fine. You'll see," he said, before knocking on the door. Kate scowled at him. There was a pause, before Kate heard a metallic clang inside the loft, the rushing of footsteps, and then the door was open. There stood Richard Castle in the all the glory that a simple blue shirt and jeans could afford. One of the conditions Kat had given him had been that there was to be no dress up.
"Kate! Jim! You're here!" he greeted almost too fast. A smile graced her lips when she realised that he'd been nervous. Kate wondered for a moment when her father and Rick had gotten to be on a first name basis. Probably best she didn't know.
"Rick, it's great to see you!" Jim Beckett said, shaking hands with Rick. Kate smile grew into a grin at their friendliness.
"Richard, do invite them in. Unless we're having dinner in the hall now," came the voice of the Castle matriarch. Martha appeared beside Castle a moment later.
"Come in, dears. Jim, it's been a while," Martha greeted. The two parents shook hands, conversed with their eyes, glancing at Kate and Rick once or twice, before smiling at each other and disappearing into the loft in a whirlwind of chatter and laughs.
"Kate…" he began.
"Rick, I'm sure whatever you have to say can wait until after dinner and my father has left," she said, before wrapping him a hug. The implication in the sentence - that she would stay, even after her father had left - was not lost on him. Rick revelled in the warmth of her hug until she broke it. He looked for consent in her eyes, and finding it, stole a quick kiss. They'd been crossing more and more boundaries recently. The occasional kiss was one of those boundaries. They hadn't talked about it of course, this thing growing between them. They hadn't talked about what it all meant, the breaking of boundaries, the couple like things they did, their kissing. But they had realised that they didn't know what they were, but they knew what they wanted to be, and that it was enough to have a promise of a future. For now.
"Come on in, Kate," he said, standing back to unblock the doorway. He sighed wistfully to himself before closing the door.
"Kate!" Alexis welcomed, before promptly grabbing the Detective into a hug. Kate laughed. The fact that Kate and Alexis got along made Rick tremendously happy. They'd been going out more and more recently. Kate had needed the escape after their encounter with The Triple Killer, Jerry Tyson, a couple of weeks ago, and Alexis had been happy to oblige.
"Alexis! How are you? How's Ashley?" Kate asked.
It was a different side to her. Normally she was reserved, almost introverted, but right then, with Alexis, she was free. It was a rare sight to see Kate Beckett free, and it was a sight that Castle cherished.
"Everything's great. That gift idea - absolutely perfect…" the sound of their chatter filled the loft. Those two would be the death of him, and he hoped they would be. At least he'd die happy. Rick followed them to the dinner table.
When Kate walked up to the table, the first thing she spotted was the lack of alcohol. She glanced at Rick and their eyes met, a silent understanding passing through them. She mouthed a thank you, and he replied with your welcome. Kate was truly touched by the gesture. Here was a man who went out of his way to make the night easier and more enjoyable for recovering-alcoholic father. It was another in a long list of things that Richard Castle went out of his way to do for her.
Kate was sucked back into her conversation with Alexis, which had seated itself around the dinner table. Martha and her father had come to the table as well. Rick was the last one left standing, and there was only one chair. When Kate realised that it was the chair next to hers, she smiled. He sat. The silent tension was palpable.
"So Rick, what are we having tonight?" Jim asked, and just like that, the tension was gone.
Rick took the lid off the platter, a rather extravagant gesture, to reveal about a dozen cuts of different meats.
"Take your pick. We thought, rather than making a guess, we'd make some of a lot. Then everybody's happy," he said.
Dinner continued to go smoothly after that. Everybody was casual, the conversation was good, and spanning as many topics as taxis in Manhattan.
"You know they set us up to sit together, right?" Rick whispered to Beckett while the others were animatedly discussing Martha's school. She smiled back at him.
"You know I don't care, right?" she whispered back teasingly, a cute smile gracing her lips. Rick almost groaned - almost.
An hour later, everyone had finished eating, the dishes were sitting in the sink, and everybody was standing; the feeling of leaving was in the room. Martha and Jim went first.
"Well Richard, I have to go. Night with the cast," Martha said. Rick laughed.
"I won't expect you until sometime tomorrow afternoon, then?" he replied. Martha laughed, before swooping off like a mother owl leaving the nest.
"Katie, I have to go as well. Long drive," Jim said to Kate. She nodded, before father and daughter hugged each other warmly.
"Drive safely, Dad," Kate replied. Jim nodded, before turning to Rick. Castle offered a hand, and the elder Beckett shook it. They looked at each other moment, and for Castle, the message with clear. I know what move you're going to make tonight. Don't break her heart. Castle gave an extremely short nod.
"It was a pleasure meeting you again, Jim. Up for a next time?" Rick asked, smiling. Jim smiled back. The two men had reached an understanding.
"Of course. Tonight was great fun. Just next time, please, burgers and fries. No quail," Jim suggested. Everybody laughed. Rick nodded, and Jim disappeared out the door. They could hear him calling for Martha to hold the elevator.
"I'm leaving as well, Dad," Alexis said. Rick turned to her, a grimace on his face.
"Ashley, right?" Alexis nodded. Castle seemed to struggle with what to say next. He wanted his daughter to have fun, but not too much fun.
"Just, don't do anything I wouldn't do," Rick advised.
"That's a lot of leeway, Rick," Kate said. Alexis laughed, Castle pouted. "But seriously Lex, have fun, but be careful."
Alexis nodded, and once again that night, he was glad that Alexis and Kate had each other. Alexis respected Kate so much, and she took her advice, which was good, because Kate gave good advice. He was lucky, really.
"Have fun you two," Alexis farewelled knowingly. And then, finally, the door to Chez Castle closed, with only Rick and Kate left inside.
The scene was awkward. Castle was staring at her, a grin slowly forming. She could only look at his eyes for a moment, before becoming intensely interested by her shoes. After a minute of them standing there, staring, Castle chuckled.
"Would you be opposed to a movie?" Rick asked. Kate finally looked him in the eye, smiling a, to Castle's interest, shy smile.
"Actually, Rick," she began, and Castle loved the way his name came out of her mouth, "I'd rather you read to me."
The desired effect was achieved; Richard Castle was speechless. He recollected his wits, however, and arched an eyebrow at her.
"Go make yourself at home on the couch while I grab a book," he replied. Her smile became even more shy.
"I have something in my bag," Kate nervously said. Castle's eyes widened. His mind raced. She had planned this. Her having a book for him to read to her in her bag showed planning.
"Okay," Rick said. "I'll go make myself at home on the couch, while you grab the book." She chuckled at the emphasised reversal, and Rick went off in the direction of the lounge.
Kate walked slowly towards her bag, her mind more terrified than her heart. She knew what she was about to do, was no small step. Hell, it'd be like taking a demolition crew to that wall she'd built, and paying for the sledgehammers. Her mind raced a million miles an hour, trying to tell her to stop. Her heart was the brake. When her mind told her that he'd run, it told her that Rick wouldn't be scared off, that he wouldn't see her any differently after her revelation.
She took the book, the worn, older book, out of her bag, and sat down on the same couch, opposite Rick. It was a long couch, and he gave her most of the room so she could lay out her legs.
"At Dusk We Die? Really? This is one of my oldest works, Kate. I didn't know you had it," he remarked. She just kept smiling, as he turned the opening page and gasped.
"I have it, Rick. I even got it signed," she said. Rick blinked at her, his eyes betraying his racing mind. "It was in September your last book signing in New York that year. Freezing cold, of course, but luckily the line was thin by the time I got there. A friend told me about it. I stood in line for an hour; I had all these things I was going to say."
His eyes widened as the memory clicked into place, as recollections of a day long since passed flew through his mind. The significance of her telling him this now wasn't lost. She was reaching out, he knew, in the best way she thought she could. Not by letting him peel a layer of the Beckett onion, but by peeling a layer for him.
"I remember you," Rick said when she paused, and her breath caught in her throat. His voice was raw. Not the earthy, uncultured raw. The raw that came with being stripped by emotion so strong it could alter the oldest medium of man. "You were wearing this blue jacket, and the most amazing beret. I remember thinking that you were there for the books, not for me. It made you stand out to me. I spent every other second I wasn't signing or talking looking at you, waiting until the line let me talk to you. When it finally did, and you were standing in front of me, you looked so shy. Not at all the rock you exude now. But your shy eyes covered a pain. Something had shaken you to the very core, I could tell. I remember wanting nothing more than to reach out to you, to hug you. Something… anything to take your pain away. But I knew that I had to settle for words."
Kate's eyes were betraying her again, but pain wasn't what occupied the forefront of her soul while Rick spoke. It was a feeling that no language could quite describe. Some strange mix of sadness, nostalgia, happiness and love. The tears were threatening to fall. She knew that eventually they would. What surprised her was the absence of her fear. She wasn't afraid of crying in front of Castle.
"What you wrote surprised me. I didn't know how you knew… how you could understand the pain. But at the same time, I felt so relieved that you did and could," she said. This time the breath caught in Castle's throat. On one sleeve she wore her heart, but on the other, she wore her soul. And Rick so badly wished that it could be a soul with no pain, no scars.
"To Katherine Beckett. You look like you've lost your way a little. Remember, always, that you should never fear to hope. Always hope to fear. For fearing means you have something worth fearing for," Rick read. The words were written on the blank page just inside the front, between the real dedication (a simple thank you to his colleagues at Black Pawn), and the start of the book.
The floodgates broke. The tears she'd been holding for so long finally fell. The words she had read so many times, and never did they lose their meaning for her. Castle immediately went to her, out of his seat, novel left behind, eyes marred with the concern he seemed to be exhaling.
"Oh, Kate… I couldn't then. I can now," he murmured softly. She was leaning into his chest now, him below. He could feel the moistness on his shirt. He didn't care. Anything to take her pain away. He kissed the crown of her head as she buried herself against him.
It was over far less quickly than it began. She stopped crying, but didn't move away from him. Propping herself up, she smiled at him with red eyes.
"So… you gonna read to me, Rick?" she asked softly. Anything louder than soft seemed to be a betrayal of the intimacy that they were sharing.
"Sure," and then he reached underneath the coffee table and pulled out the manuscript to the latest Nikki Heat novel, Naked Heat. She laughed against him. He opened it, barely managing to hold the loosely bound paper together.
"To KB, if, throughout fear and hope and joy, we still are… we, forever and always, shall be. Take a leap?" he began. The words were quiet, but the volume and the beauty were not closely related. She smiled against him, looking up at his eyes.
"I'm fairly certain I love you, Rick," she declared without all the undue bravado of a declaration. He smiled back at her. "Forever and always, one and done. After fear and hope, I think the lines blurred." His smile became a grin, and the manuscript went back to the coffee table with an unceremonious thud.
"That's okay, Kate. I know I love you," he replied.
She lent down and kissed him firmly, and softness quickly turned to passion, and when the fire turned to an ember, the kiss broke. They grinned at each other, and that ember grew into a raging flame to light the way through forever's fears and hopes.
AN:
The idea for this has been swirling throughout my mind with a bunch of others, while I was deciding what to choose for my first foray into Castle fanfiction. Some of you who read this might recognize me from the rated reviews I give out, if you've ever completed a story with more than 10,000 words in it for Castle. If you haven't, then please, do. They all pop onto my radar.
To me, this was an exercise in writing. I've done some things in this story I've never written before. And I hope that it paid off.
So please, drop me a review. If there was something you didn't like, tell me. Please. And tell me why. It's all important to me.
Cheers,
L.