Title: Legally Sane

Pairings: HieixOC

Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho. I do own my OC's and the story.

Prologue: Scooby Doo, where are you?

The one thing I loathe above all is sports- So imagine my mood when I was forced to run for my life on what seemed to be the coldest day in Japanese history. Why am I running, you ask? Well it all has to do with my rather sceptical nature and the faith I've put into my own sanity- Which ultimately wound up with me being chased around by a freakin six foot Thing that looked as if it had been ripped from the pages of a graphic horror novel.

I had been enjoying the scenic route home from school despite the chill of the evening and lack of sufficient lighting- I mean, who would bother trying to attack me? My appearance wasn't all that remarkable- lank black hair and questionable eyes…Nobody could seem to pinpoint the actual shade, but I suppose you could call them grey in the right lighting. Did I happen to mention that Santa Claus skipped me when it came to handing out feminine frames last Christmas? Yup, almost as straight and narrow as a friggin ironing board. Unappealing, eh? So imagine my surprise when this six foot hulk of swamp coloured flesh cornered me between the abandoned ice-cream truck and the children's swing set…

"Human…I'm going to suck the marrow from your bones, after I've stripped the flesh from your body!"

Now, correct me if I'm wrong…But 'monsters' don't exist in the real world, right? They were just a means to keep errant brats in line when they refused to go to bed on time. Therefore, you can't really blame me for just laughing at the guy, right?

…

Alright, that wasn't all I did. But c'mon, this guy was asking for it I swear! How many would-be molesters 'dressed' up (Badly I might add) as an extra from 'The Swamp Thing', and then proceeded to tell you he was going to eat you? It's no wonder that I was in hysterics. But then again, that might just be my weird sense of humour…

Anyway…Once my laughter had subsided to occasional giggles, I reached out a hand to grasp the sagging flesh at the apex of his neck and chin, quite ready to rip the ghastly 'mask' off of his face- Like those dudes from Scooby Doo…And with one swift jerk, I yanked my fisted hand upwards in a bid to remove it, only to find…

"And the masked villain is…Holy shit! what've you used on this? Superglue?"

Haha…I'm such a dumbass. Even at that point, I still hadn't gotten the picture yet. I think I managed to inherit the blonde genes from my mother, despite my dark appearance. The 'monster' shrieked in apparent pain, and batted me away with a panicked arm.

Correction. He slammed me into the nearest tree with a panicked arm, and it hurt. I mean, it really hurt- I think I sprained my butt-bone, cause I had felt the force streak up from that precious bone all the way to my skull. Wincing, I had shakily pushed myself to my feet after a few stunned moments filled with fluent curses.

"Puny weakling! I'm going to suck the marrow from you-…" he began again, hissing malevolently.

"Yeah, yeah…I think we covered that subject ten minutes ago." I'd interjected with a scowl, rubbing the base of my spine with measured strokes- Damn it ached.

A very large and intimidating shadow suddenly eclipsed what little light I had been previously standing in, and for some reason I was beginning to regret cutting him off. A meaty fist grasped me by the back of my school blazer, and all four feet of me was hoisted into the air to dangle helplessly in front of one ugly looking mug. Uh-oh…

"H-how about we discuss this over a nice pot of tea…?" I'd enquired hesitantly, fruitlessly wriggling within his grip. At this rate, the force of gravity coupled with my slight weight would cause the fabric to rip…Then there'd be hell to pay when I got home. If I got home, that was.

To say the least, Archibald (as I had dubbed him in my mind due to his bald patch) didn't look too impressed with my signal of truce. Nope, he merely shook me roughly, a hungry leer contorting the sagging flesh of his face, saliva hanging from his open jaw. Attractive…

"I r going to eat you now."

By that point, my sanity and scepticism had mysteriously evaporated, leaving me to quake in apparent terror at the imminence of my death by cannibalism. Panic had enveloped me, like stink envelopes a fat person if he walks faster than two miles an hour- Not that I could talk, I probably stank of fear-sweat…Y'know the kind you get that's all cold and sticky? Yeah, just like that. But then again, it hadn't compared to this guy's breath. Seriously, didn't monsters know about mouthwash?

Wisely, I kept that thought to myself as I was blasted with another gust of dragon breath- My face wrinkled with disgust and discomfort. I had to get away from that muscle-bound freak of nature, before he sunk those scary looking fangs into my neck.

Gathering up the remnants of my strength- Which had unfortunately vanished due to my fear- I had aimed a well place kick at where I thought his family jewels were…At that point, I hoped that monsters were built in the traditional way…With most of the crucial parts in the right places…And when I had heard the wail of severe pain that only came from victims of disembowelment, I had immediately relaxed. Luckily so had his grip, and moments later I had found myself on the floor at the side of a writhing monster clutching his means to create a legacy.

"Ha! Who's a puny weakling, eh?! It's not me, that's for sure!" I'd taunted, flipping the mass of quivering flesh the bird. His earlier comment of 'puny' had rankled, as I am really short.

My satisfaction was short-lived however, as he'd stopped his movements, and had pinned me with those piercing…liver-coloured eyes. With a growl, he'd lumbered to his feet- a hand reaching behind him to retrieve an enormous axe…Which he'd whipped out with the flourish of a cheerleader and her baton during a football game. That was when I had realised, that I'd overstepped my boundaries, and that it was time to run. So what didja think I did? I fucking ran!

So now here I am, running for my life with the incredible Hulk only a few steps behind me, wildly slashing that gargantuan axe at my vulnerable back.

"Somebody help! Archibald is gonna kill me! I don't wanna diiiiiiiieee….!!!"

If there was a God…I hope he'd be kind enough to send a dashingly handsome guy to my rescue, cause nobody wants to be saved by some ugly twit with bad acne, right?

I glanced over my shoulder, taking a giant leap forward to avoid being sliced in half by the slash-happy gorilla behind me. What the hell did I do to deserve this? I eat my vegetables, I do my homework and I keep myself clean- So why was this happening? Had the rules for leading a quiet normal life changed?!

My foot caught on a root, and I catapulted forward a few feet, clearing the shrub that could've obstructed my path, to land face first into the flower bed on the other side, my head narrowly missing the tree trunk that appeared directly in front of me.

"Owie…" I whined, turning my head to the side to spit out various flora and clods of dirt. I lay there for a few precious seconds, savouring each lungful of breath I managed to gasp in…Before that ominous shadow fell across my prone form once again. Frantic, I managed to scramble to my feet with enough speed to dodge the axe that was now imbedded in the earth I was previously occupying.

Archibald eyed me with sadistic pleasure, a thick orange tongue working it's way past his lips to smear saliva across the dry flesh- I shuddered. With each step forward he took, I took several steps back, until my spine was pressed hard against the rough timber of the tree behind me. Wonderful, I was trapped.

"I r gonna eat you!"

That axe was raised again, and poised to strike at any moment. I threw my arms up to shield my face and upper body, my entire being flinching from the nearness of my 'end'. I can't believe I'm going to die a virgin. No, scrap that- I can't believe I was going to die without having my first kiss. This was so lame. My hysterical shriek mingled with his war cry, and I waited for the blow to fall.

But…It didn't fall.

Cautiously, I popped open an eye, quickly glancing around to see what had interrupted my gruesome death scene. The lid lifted from the remaining closed eye, and I gaped in astonishment at my saviour- And let me tell you…He didn't resemble anything close to my fantasy man, and I didn't hesitate to let him know either.

"Wow, was He that understaffed that He had to send a dwarf to do the job?"

The figure in front of me twitched, and I was soon impaled with a look of utmost loathing from the 'dwarf'.

"Is that all you have to say? They are your last words you know."

His hand shifted, and I realised he was the only thing between me and that enormous axe- How strange that something pocket-sized could be so strong…My musings came to an end when his words finally sunk in.

"W-what? You stopped him from killing me, only to say I'm gonna die anyway?!"

My incredulity was quite apparent in my voice, and my fear caused it to hit a high note at the end of my sentence. Maybe I shouldn't have insulted the thing standing between me and death. Those red eyes narrowed a tad behind thick black bangs, and a smirk played at the corners of his mouth.

"I don't see why I have to put myself out for a pitiful human…Especially one who just insulted me."

Ooh! That was cold! But he did have a point…He was only an inch taller than me, and could easily be classed as a midget…But still, I didn't have to point that out when he was protecting me.

His wrist bent a tad, a trickle of blood trickling from his bandaged palm, down his wrist to his elbow. That monster must've been exerting quite a lot of pressure, though the boy didn't seem all that fazed by it.

"Would it help if I said I was sorry?" I asked, my tone almost pleading. "'Cause I really am…I was just caught off guard is all…You being only a bit taller than I am…And I'm considered a midget…"

My ramblings came to an end, and I managed a sheepish smile. I hope he wasn't going to wander off and leave me to my fate…I really was too young to die.

He stared at me for a few moments, and I returned his glare with my famous 'puppy dog' eyes. Melt damn you! Melt! He snorted irritably, and returned his attention to the monster who, funnily enough, had remained silent. Perhaps he couldn't talk and disembowel at the same time.

"Oi shrimp…Ya standing in between me and my meal!"

Judging from the guy's stiff shoulders, I think Archibald put his foot in his mouth. The dark haired boy made one lightening quick movement- And poor old Archibald released a startled shriek before falling to the floor in two pieces, his axe falling with a jarring thud onto the ground.

I blinked. Uh…?

"What just…Happened?"

Old grouchy pants glanced at me over his shoulder, his superior smirk widening a fraction.

"I killed him. Pathetic creature wasn't worth my time- Any decent Yokai would've dodged that on instinct."

His free hand rested lightly on the hilt of a sword on his left hip, and my eyes widened in realisation. He'd sliced the guy up in one move with his sword! My admiration, which was barely there to begin with, totally soared at that moment.

The boy nudged the carcass with his foot, before slowly turning around to face me. Boy had my first impression been wrong! This guy was hot! I mean…He had those heat waves blazing off of him, he was so hot. Curiously, I gave him the once over; black boots…black coat…black hair…Oh! Crimson eyes!…But what was that shifting restlessly beneath the white bandanna he wore…? Probably my imagination.

"What are you staring at woman?"

I blushed at the scorn in his voice, and I quickly ran a hand through my hair with a nervous laugh. "Oh, nothing!" I chirped, thinking of a way to change the topic. Of course, somebody interrupted me just as I was about to break the uncomfortable silence that followed my last response.

"Hiei!"

"Bakayarou!"

The boy released a sullen; "Ch'" and grasped me by my upper arm. Before I even had the chance to protest, he leapt gracefully into the air, with me in tow and landed silently on a high branch. I of course, landed with a tad more difficulty, and he had to snake an arm around my waist to steady me.

"Y-you…! What the hell…"

"Urusei!" he hissed, clapping a hand over my mouth. It seemed little 'Hiei' didn't want those voices to locate him. Fine, I'll stay quiet.

Two boys appeared soon enough in the clearing below us; one with slicked back dark hair and a green uniform- The other a taller carrot-top with an ugly mug and a blue uniform. They paused briefly beneath us, and I held my breath, and from the sound of it, so did Hiei.

"Where'd that short-ass go? He suddenly tore off without a word!" the gorilla whined, his hand poised above his eyes as he attempted to 'search' for the elusive boy.

"Yare, yare…Ya know we can't find him, if he don't wanna be found," the other replied, settling his back against the trunk of the tree we were currently sitting in. "And ya really look stupid when ya do that," he added as an afterthought.

"Urusei teme!" he roared, dropping his hand as if it had been scalded. "Well, I'm not going to shed any tears, Hiei! In fact, I'm glad you're gone!"

Hiei stiffened at my side, and I shot him a sidelong look. Ouch! He looked like he was ready to bite his own tongue- Probably to keep himself from giving out his hiding spot just to insult the big guy below.

"Anyhow…I'm gonna head home. Hanging around out here ain't entertaining, and it's fucking cold. Come on dumbass, you can crash at my place."

The shorter of the two strolled off, leaving the 'dumbass' standing there looking stupefied.

"Urameshi, I'm seriously gonna kill you!" he shrieked, and belted after the other.

Then…There was silence. Blessed silence…Which was soon filled with hate-filled curses from my companion. I watched on in mild amusement, his hand still fastened to my mouth. Maybe if I…

He recoiled instantly with a look of utter disgust etched on those pixie-like features, and I released a hearty chuckle.

"What the hell did you do that for, woman?" he ground out, wiping the palm of his hand on his long coat.

"My name isn't 'woman', it's Lydia for starters…" I began imperiously; "And secondly, you had your hand clamped over my mouth, and my lips were getting dry- I had to moisten them."

Haha, I licked his palm and he looked as if I had just tried to eat his hand whole. He glared daggers at me for a moment, then sprung out of the tree and landed with feline-like grace on the ground below.

Thrusting his hands in his pockets, he gave me a long look; "Next time, don't go wandering around secluded places in the dark- Not unless you want to get eaten by another one of those idiots."

And then he was gone. And I hadn't even asked him about Archibald and the strange happenings either!

Dazed and even more confused, I slid out of the tree and landed awkwardly on the ground. When I glanced at the area where the monster had once lain- I realised he was no longer there, and neither was his axe. He must've disintegrated almost immediately after he'd been slain. No love lost there. Gnawing lightly on her lower lip, I decided that the events of this evening were probably due to my low energy levels, my high intake of sugar…And school related stress. The cure? A long bath and then eight hours of quality sleep.

Taking one last look in the direction Hiei had walked off in, I turned away and wandered home.

Spirit: Okay, this is my first time writing in the first person for a fanfiction...This chapter might not have had much real action in it, but I think the story will be in full swing in the next installment. Constructive criticism is welcomed, and so are complimentary reviews.