Damnit, his knee hurt. His knee hurt so bad.
Spencer flinched as he sat up. He just had to get shot in the knee didn't he? The same day Hotch got stabbed to, talk about a bad day for the BAU. At this rate they would all be dead in a week. He had taken some non-narcotic painkillers but his knee still hurt. Alot. His doctor had told him he would need crutches for a while, possibly a cane later, and a physical therapist. How could one little bullet cause so much trouble? He of course knew how but even with his intellect it still seemed ridiculious that such a tiny thing had caused so much havoc on his leg.
Though it wasn't so much the pain that was bothering him as it was the cravings. He wanted to take dilaudid, well he didn't want to but he felt that stirring in his stomach. That needy feeling that he needed narcotics, a release. It made sense, really, given the days events. He had been shot, he had killed a man, and Hotch had been stabbed. Who wouldn't want to take drugs in this situation? He knew this thought line was wrong but it made sense. He was in a program with other cops and the like who had addictions after all. Sometimes this job was alot to handle.
He really should go to a meeting. Soon. He hadn't been going as frequently lately. He was managing very well, most days. Right now he desperately wanted to get up and get his things back. His two year soberity coin was in the pocket of the pants he was shot in. He always carried a soberity coin with him, even when he wasn't having a rough time. It was nice reminder of how far he had come. The members of his support group were impressed with him, some of them proud as well, and his success in soberity. He had bad days, of course, but he had never relasped, which was more then some of them could say. Right now Spencer desperately wanted to just hold the damn thing now. Something to hold onto, to remind him of his progress and why he needed to stay sobber right now.
Surely if he asked the doctor for some narcotics no one would think any less of him but then he would be throwing his soberity out the window. He would know and even if he didn't relaspe completely, it would kill him to break his soberity this far in. He would be getting his three year chip in a few months. He had to make it to then. He made it through catching Anthrax without narcotics and he could make it through this. He wanted to get that three year chip so he could add his two year chip to his collection of chips. He had thirteen now. One for each of the eleven months he was sober before getting his year chip, his year chip, and his two year chip. He wanted, he needed, that three year chip.
So he would fight off his cravings and try to get out of bed and onto his crutches so could get signed out. He needed to get out of here and to the team. Today was a bad day for them all.
##################################################################################
Spencer Reid laid down and stare at the ceiling, feeling more empty then he thought possible. He knew that he could list all the chemicals in his brain that caused his to feel like this but right now that information was lost on him. His brain seemed empty except for the one scene that haunted him and that feeling. That craving that rarely reared its ugly head was back. It made him feel dirty. He had another flash back, the same one that had haunted him for two weeks.
"You would do that?"
"Yes."
"You would kill yourself for her?"
"Yes!"
"Thomas Merton."
"Who's Thomas Merton?"
"He knows."
"Who's Thomas Merton!? Who is he!?"
"He the one thing you can never take from us."
"No." A gun was raised.
` "WAIT!" BANG.
It was aweful, really. He loved Maeve and the first time he saw her, he had to tell her he didn't love her. Which killed him inside at the time but he knew she understood that he loved her. She made sure in her last moments that he knew that. Thomas Merton. It was very clever of her, it was so... Maeve. One last coded message between two geniuses in love. Love was their destiny and love was the one thing Daine could never take from them. He knew logicly that she had, since Maeve couldn't love him if she was dead but he liked to believe it was true. Even if she was gone, he still loved her.
He wondered what Maeve would think, knowing where he was now. Empty, upset, and craving. He went and reach into his bag and pulled out a shimering object. His five year chip. He rolled it around his fingers. He remembered getting the chip, he was very happy with himself. He had wanted to tell Maeve about it but he hadn't told her about his previous addiction. It was still rather early in the relationship, what was he supposed to? Say 'Hey I used to have an addiction. I got my five year chip the other day.' He didn't think that would go over very well.
He likes to think Maeve would be proud of him. He knew of course that he would have told her eventually. It would seem strange for him to disappear for an hour or two every once and awhile. Yes, he still went to meetings when he could but not as frequently as he used to. Though he didn't normaly go for the same reasons as before most days. He liked going to the meetings, talking the others. Sometimes they would get new members and he liked to be there for them when he was able. He didn't sponcer anyone by any means, with all the travel his job required, but he liked to be there.
It made him feel shameful to be craving right now. He was grieving, this shouldn't even be an issue. He knew, reasonably, that it actually made sense for an addict to start craving after such terrible events. He remembered craving after he thought Emily had died. He seriously thought about it and it made him feel bad then to. He knew it was normal but it didn't make him feel any less dirty. He should go to a meeting, he really should, but right now he was too paralized with grief to do much of anything. He clenched the chip tightly in his hand.
His phone rang.
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After a little bit the team dispearsed and sat apart, drinking and carrying on small conversations. Rossi noticed Reid was sitting alone on the steps, his first glass of wine was still fairly full and was set aside. Rossi poured a glass of water then sauntered over to Reid.
"Hey there, kid, I can't help but noticed you had hardly touched your wine." He said, watching as Reid jumped slightly and quickly withdrew his hand from his pocket to take the glass of water.
"Um, yeah, I wasn't really in a mood for drinking so-"
"Plus twelve step programs tend to discourage their members from drinking, regardless of their addiction." Rossi said and Reid flinched. Rossi wasn't really around for his drug issue. Spencer assumed he had figured it out, but was never very sure. Now he was.
"Did they tell you, or did you figure it out yourself?" Spencer asked, glancing up from his water at Rossi. He felt wierd. They don't really talk about his drug problem, ever. It was a silent understanding the team had, they knew it happened but no one talks about it.
"A little of both. I saw how you would behave on rough cases, how you would rush out of office faster then normal on occasions. I got suspisious and confronted Hotch, he told me." Rossi gave him a one shouldered shrug.
"Figures." Spencer muttered under his breath.
"Um... Spencer... if you don't mind my asking..." Rossi started but Reid understood and dug his hand into his pocket and pulled out his six year coin. "Jesus, kid... six years? Maye I?" Rossi gestured at the token and Spencer nodded and handed it to Dave.
"I got that a month ago." Spencer smiled. "I was so proud of myself... I... I-I like to think Maeve would have been to."
"You know they are all proud of you, right? They might not say anything but... they saw you go through that with Tobias. They know that it was tough for you... they are proud of you. I am to, your a pretty strong kid."
"Yeah... I know they are... In our line of work... to stay sober is-" Spencer said before sucking in a breath, remembering Strauss and who was talking to. "I'm sorry, man, I-"
"I know..." Rossi chuckled and sat the coin back into Reid's hand. "She worked really hard, it was a struggle, though."
"It is... I still struggle sometimes, I do... especially... when bad things happen. When Hotch got stabbed and I got shot, when I thought Emily died, when... when Maeve... when she was..." Spencer sucked in breath and Rossi held up a hand.
"I understand. You made it, though... you got that six year coin. It takes a special kind of man to do that." Rossi said before smiling. "That Maeve girl was good for you. Smart, pretty, one hell of a women to lose like that."
"Yeah... Erin was to... You two went well together. Both of you had previous marriages, were older... you get my piont. I'm sorry you have to go through this... I know its hard." Spencer tilted his head at Rossi.
"You and Hotch are the only two men you can tell me that and I know its true."
"Yeah... Sorry you had to join the club... but hey, look at Hotch now, so maybe we have hope after all." Spencer smiled slightly and tucked his token back into his pocket.
"To our lost loves." Rossi chuckled and raised a glass. Spencer laughed and clinked his water glass against Rossi's wine glass.
"It's a good thing you didn't get too far with Strauss, if you took a fourth wife the team would never let you hear the end of it."