What Would I Say?

-by J.P. D'Osty-Fernandez

-Dedicated to those who have had to walk away, and, as ever, to Diane Neal, the wonderful young actress who brings Casey Novak to life.

Standard Disclaimer: The Law&Order Franchise Characters Belong to Dick Wolf

"Sex Crimes, Novak speaking." Casey said flatly into the receiver of her telephone. She had the handset pinned between her shoulder and her jaw, propping the receiver and microphone into place, as she answered distractedly, the bulk of her attention focused on the bank statement before her.

It was the middle of the afternoon in the middle of the week. Although the day had not been particularly long or onerous, Casey was still looking forward to clocking out.

"Casey?" an enthusiastic female voice at the other end asked.

"SERENA!" A burst of fresh energy, of new life, animated Casey as she cast aside the statement and sat up, her full attention devoted to the caller. "How have you been, buddy?"

"Ech…so-so…How have you been?"

"Well, great, actually, now that you called! It's been a while!"

"Yeah…I know…I'm sorry…I should have called you sooner…"

"Oh, that's OK! I know they are keeping you busy at Justice. And, I got your birthday card! Thanks, that was sweet!"

"Hey, glad you liked it…Listen, Casey, I was wondering…can we meet sometime?"

"I'd love that! When are you coming up to New York next?"

"I am coming in this weekend."

"Sweet! What do you say…our regular place Saturday or Sunday?"

"It's still there?"

"Yah!"

"OK, then how about one o'clock Saturday afternoon?"

"Sounds good! I look forward to it!"

"So do I!"

"Great! I'll see you on Saturday, then…and Serena?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for the call! I really appreciate it!"

"Hey, thank you for taking it! I appreciate that!"

"My pleasure! So, I'll see you on Saturday then!"

"Til Saturday! And Casey?"

"Yah?"

"Try not to spill coffee on anyone til then!"

"You're killing me, Serena!"

"I wouldn't do that, Casey! Who else is going to listen to my bad jokes?"

"OK, then, Funny Lady! See you Saturday!"

Saturday afternoon could not come fast enough for Casey, but it finally did. It was a beautiful fall afternoon, not so muggy hot, but not cold enough to wear a coat either. The leaves were only beginning to fall.

Casey was sitting in the terrace of their favourite place, a nice, out-of-the-way café. She stood up and waved, a radiant smile on her face, when she saw Serena Southerlyn, former ADA and a long time close friend, walk up the street. After a second or so, Serena spotted Casey, and smiled and waved back.

"Serena!" exclaimed Casey when Serena walked onto the terrace.

"Casey!" called back Serena as she approached Casey.

The two women embraced tightly, and gently stroked each other's backs.

"Uuu-uggh!!! Easy, there Casey! You're breaking my back! I forgot how strong you are!"

"I am just so happy to see you!" declared Casey as she released Serena. "Here, have a seat!"

Casey released Serena, and both women sat down. The waitress came, took Serena's order, and then left.

Casey reached forward and placed her hand over Serena's, lovingly caressing it.

"I've missed you, buddy! I've missed you a LOT!"

"Hey, I've missed you too, Casey!" Serena placed her other hand over Casey's. "That's one thing I regret about…not working here anymore…it's all my good friends…"

Serena's face darkened as she looked down.

"It was sad to hear about Lenny Briscoe…I couldn't make it to his funeral…"

"Yeah…that was sad…but don't beat yourself up over it…I couldn't make it either…but I called his son…he told me you called him too…"

"Yeah…I did…Lenny was one of a kind…"

Serena looked up.

"Tell me, how are things over at SVU?"

"Ahhh…the usual…Liv got wounded last spring…"

"Oh NO!"

"It was just a flesh wound…they caught the guy who did it…Then she left SVU for a while…apparently she had a problem with Elliot…"

Serena inhaled.

"I'm not surprised…Elliot's been having problems for some time now…"

"You're right…the big problem is, he can't—or won't—talk about it…I still have things I'm dealing with from when I was attacked, but at least I'm seeing Liz Olivet about them!"

"How's that working out?"

"It helps…I mean, that whole night never really goes away…but, I'm…I'm taking it day-by-day…some days it works better than others…"

"I hear you…I guess it doesn't help to see Elliot the way he is…"

"No, it doesn't."

"Well…one thing's for sure…I know Elliot is better off at least having you on his side than he would be without you…"

"Thanks…that's sweet of you…"

"It's true…and, by the way, Missy, I heard that you stuck it to Arthur Branch a couple of times…"

Serena had a mischievous smile on her face now. The smile was infectious.

"Yah!" confirmed Casey, "I got him to see the light on a couple of things…"

"See the light? You always were one for understatement! I heard there were a couple of screaming matches and threats of him firing you involved."

"Hey, no one ever said this Job of Ours didn't have its entertainment value!"

This elicited a long, hearty laugh from Serena. Casey started giggling too.

Eventually, both women regained their self-control. Serena let out a long sigh.

"Ahhhhhhhhh…Casey…Casey….what would I do without you?"

"Uhh…have a semi-successful career in stand-up comedy?"

Serena frowned in mock exception.

"What do you mean 'semi'-successful?"

"Hey, it's better than you trying out for the WNBA!"

"Ouch…that's cold!"

"You know it!"

Serena made a "Grrrr" sound, and then leaned back as a waiter came back and delivered their order.

"Perv!"

"What? Who?"

"That guy!"

Serena jutted her chin forward to indicate who she meant. Casey turned and looked in that direction.

"You mean the waiter?"

"Yeah!"

"What about him?"

"He was looking just a little too interested in our conversation…and us holding hands…"

Casey turned back and looked at Serena with an uplifted eyebrow.

"Uh-HUH! And how many times did you steal furtive glances at me when I was batting during all the NYPD-DA's Office softball games?"

Serena looked down, blushing a little, but still grinning.

"Ahhhh…that's different…I like you for your mind!"

Casey contracted her eye muscles as she smirked in preparation for her response.

"Now…where have I heard THAT before…"

"Aw, c'mon Casey! You know I have the highest respect for you!"

"IIIII know! I'm just messing with ya!" Casey was smiling now.

Serena pretended to pout.

"Keep it up, Casey! One day, what goes around will come around!"

"Oooooooooh! I'm sooooo scared!"

Both ladies got to giggling again.

"You know," began Casey after the laughter had subsided somewhat, "I think we girls have it better than the boys in some way."

"How do you figure?"

"Well, remember when I had to prosecute Andy Abbott the first year I was with Sex Crimes?"

"Yeah?"

"It was Fin who broke the case. He told us all about the 'Downlow.' Then, he felt super-uncomfortable right after. He felt this overwhelming need to distance himself from homosexuality.

"Us girls, on the other hand, we can joke and play around it more openly without having our fragile egos collapse. I mean, I'm straight, but I'm secure enough in my sexual identity that an implication or two doesn't bother me."

"Maybe it's because, as women, we have endured—and still endure—so much persecution that all the boys in their clubhouses can't even conceive of…because of all of that, we're less susceptible to all the other phobias that pollute this world."

Casey's eyes widened in respect.

"You have a point, there…"

Casey pondered this for a moment.

"Then again, I'd like to think it's also because we're actually tougher than the boys are. I mean, I remember a couple of my brothers were weeping like Niagara Falls when they got a little nosebleed. I broke my arm in soccer, and I didn't shed a single tear through that whole afternoon."

"Yeah, Casey, but that's you. You don't bend for NOTHING!"

Serena looked down. There was a sadness about her face.

"That's why Branch didn't dare fire you, while—"

Casey could see where this was going, and she did not like it.

"Branch is a political animal who stopped being a real lawyer a long time ago, Serena. Even if he had Atticus Finch working for him, he would drop the dime on him the second the winds were right. In fact, I'm almost halfway through life number eight, as far as he is concerned!"

Serena was looking up and smiling now.

"That's a conservative estimate! Some bookies are already saying it's life number nine!"

"I wouldn't bet the rent money on that one, Ms. Wiseass!"

"Care to make it interesting?"

Casey leaned forward, an intense look on her face.

"Is that a challenge?"

Serena leaned forward too.

"Are you up for it?"

Casey pulled back first.

"Actually no…"

"Ah-HA!"

"You've been away so long, you forgot that Branch pays peanuts."

Casey's face darkened.

"Actually, I shouldn't joke about that…"

"Why not?"

"You hear about the PBA contract negotiations over here last spring?"

"No…why?"

"This damned City forced the cops to swallow a 25K a year salary."

"WHAT??????????? You HAVE to be kidding me!!!!"

"I wish I were."

"25K for the most dangerous job in America…what the hell is this City thinking?"

"They aren't thinking! That's the whole problem! I mean, their thought process begins and ends with 'What can I get away with cutting?'"

"My God! What kind of…who in the hell would want to be an NYPD Officer for 25K a year?"

Casey exhaled an exhausted, almost defeated sigh. She began to slump in her chair.

"That is the whole problem, Serena. Either this damned City will pay the price for good cops, or they will surely pay the price for bad ones!"

An uncomfortable silence followed.

"But, enough of this depressing stuff!" declared Casey. "What about you? How's Justice? And How's Dan?"

Serena looked up at Casey and leaned back in her chair.

"Not much better, I'm afraid…"

"Oh?"

"They transferred Dan out of Civil Rights two months ago."

"Why?"

"Officially, 'He was doing such a good job, they promoted him.' Unofficially the current appointees just don't give a damn about Civil Rights. Talk around the water-cooler is that they would do away with the whole Division if they could. They can't, so they transferred Dan and a couple of other people—

"I mean, people who are very passionate about civil rights—they just transferred them out by force. It was, 'If you ever hope to see your pension, you'll take this transfer and smile for the camera!'"

"That's horrible!"

"It is. That's why I quit two weeks ago!"

Casey leaned forward, a look of concern in her eyes. She put her hand anew upon Serena's.

"Serena…I am SO sorry to hear that…I…I thought that recco'ing you to Dan would get you into something you loved…I'm sorry it didn't turn out like that."

Serena looked up at Casey.

"Oh, don't be sorry for me, Casey! I could see the writing on the wall, and I had my exit strategy in place long before I resigned officially.

"If anything, feel sorry for America…and for what is to come…"

"Now there is a cheerful thought!" observed Casey after a moment's contemplation.

"Yeah, it does look bleak, but there is still reason to hope…"

"I'm happy you can still hope…that is getting harder and harder to do these days…"

"Yes it is, but it still can be done…A few months ago I was on FindLaw, and I came across this Amicus Brief filed on behalf of a lesbian couple who were being evicted. It was filed by Kirchenleute Ministries.

"The brief was well written, so I checked out their website for contact info. I found my info, and a lot of other things too, things that really moved me…"

"Kirchenleute Ministries…yeah, I remember hearing about them now…they do a lot of work for the oppressed…"

"And not just here, but around the world…be it a Christian who is in a dictator's jail, or be it a former adult industry performer who wants to get away from her previous life…"

"Sounds like the world could sure use a few more like KM."

"Well…yes, it certainly could…which is why I'm working for them now…"

Casey looked deeply into Serena's eyes. There was silence for a few seconds.

"Serena," Casey began, "I've known you since we were working for Nora Lewin together. I consider you one of my dearest friends…so that's why I have to tell you this, even though it isn't easy…"

"Go ahead…" Serena's voice was gentle and understanding, and there was a look of concern in her face now.

"Serena, I know you are a very caring and deeply passionate person. You give your all…it's just…well, it's just that…I wouldn't want to see anyone taking advantage of you…"

"Ok…I appreciate that…"

"Well, don't get me wrong, I know that KM does a lot of wonderful things…it's just that…it's just that…and this could be my own biases here…"

Casey paused, uncomfortable, and unsure of what to say next.

"That's OK, Casey, take your time…" reassured Serena.

"Well…you keep hearing about all these 'Ministers' that fleece people—even educated professional people—out of all their money…and then…

"I mean, there was this con man I prosecuted about two years ago who did just that—"

"You mean Eugene Hoff?"

"Yes…Eugene Hoff…"

Casey turned away, a look of anguish on her face.

"Oh, Serena…I'm sorry…I made it sound like you were gullible enough to…in fact, I am over-generalising here…you don't deserve that!"

Serena reached over and put her hand on Casey's.

"That's alright, Casey!" she said in a calm, soothing voice. "If I were in your place and, out of the blue, you came to me and told me you were working for some Ministry now, I would have exactly the same reaction! In fact, I really appreciate the way you brought it up, without being judgmental!"

"No hard feelings, then?"

"No, none at all! It's just, these days, Christianity almost has as bad a rep in our society as we GBLT's do. Not from the same quarters, of course, but the overall effect is the same. In fact, that's one of the great sadnessess of today…you have two marginalised groups who, instead of banding together and defending their—ALL of our—rights, are wasting their time fighting each other."

Casey was looking directly at Serena now.

"That's a profound insight, Serena! I've never heard of that. Truth be told, I would have never thought of that myself."

Serena lifted an eyebrow and smirked.

"The great Casey Novak admitting there's something she never thought of? I should call Guiness' Book of World Records!"

Casey's eyes narrowed, as a mischievous smirk broke across her face.

"You REEEALLY don't want to go there, Serena! I'm a redhead…I've been collecting blonde jokes all my life…"

"I guess not!" conceded Serena.

"Anyhoo…to get back to what you were asking me…don't worry, I'm getting paid for serving as KM's legal counsel…and they don't foist their religious beliefs on anybody…Their message is basically that you don't have to believe in Jesus to work with us, you just have to be willing to follow his commandment to love thy neighbour."

"That…has to be one of the most BEAUTIFUL things I have heard someone say in a long time!"

Serena just smiled and held onto Casey's hand for a moment.

"Well, there are a lot of beautiful things in this world, Casey. It's just that much harder to see every day. But, if you take the time…The problem is, today, it is just so easier to hate than to forgive…"

"You got that right!"

Casey's eyes began to mist over.

"And the hardest person to forgive is yourself!"

Serena saw the change in Casey's face. A look of concern came across her own.

"That's true…Casey…"

"Yah?"

"Is there anything in particular that you find it hard to forgive yourself about?"

"Yes!" Casey forcefully exhaled the word. "Charlie."

"Charlie…" repeated Serena like a Greek Chorus, as she realised Casey was talking about the fiancé she had left behind. Casey had shared this with Serena back when they were working for Nora Lewin together.

"Yeah…you know, a couple of months ago, I had to prosecute this poor girl that twit Derek Lord had conned into not taking her medications…"

Casey paused. Serena intervened.

"OK…I can see how this brought you to thinking about Charlie again…"

Casey wiped away her tears and looked up to Serena.

"Yeah…it did…Liv came to me after the trial…I told her…she told me I did the right thing by abandoning him, that I saved myself…somehow, I'm not so sure anymore…"

Serena did not jump in and try to change Casey's mind, to tell her that she did the right thing. She did not ignore Casey's pain or try to sweep it under the rug.

"Can you tell me why you feel this way now?"

"Well…it's…it's everything…everything I've done since then…"

"How do you mean?"

"Well…all those fraudsters, all those rapists and murderers I put away…if I had only put in half the energy I spent on my cases on Charlie…"

Casey began to sob. Serena lifted herself slightly, and pulled her chair around the table until it was nearly touching Casey's. She put her arm around Casey. Casey buried her face into Serena's shoulder. And she cried.

Serena held Casey tightly, gently stroking her.

"You're doing fine, buddy! Just let it out!"

Eventually, Casey regained control of herself. She pulled away from Serena.

"I'm sorry…I didn't mean to spoil our weekend…"

"You didn't spoil anything." gently countered Serena, handing Casey a tissue while respectfully avoiding eye contact.

"Thanks!" said Casey as she accepted the tissue.

"In fact," continued Serena, after Casey had cleaned up a bit, "I would much prefer that what just happened did happen rather than having to worry about you and not knowing."

"Oh, Serena…I'm sorry…I didn't mean to worry you…"

"It comes with the territory…there was nothing you could do about it.

"In fact, I knew you were prosecuting that case with Derek Lord…I really wanted to call you then, to make sure you were OK…but, I didn't want to rub it in while you still had the pressure of the case on your shoulders."

"Thanks…you're right…it was hard enough dealing with the case…"

"That's what I thought…"

There was a lengthy silence. Serena broke it.

"Casey…"

"Yeah?"

"I'm…happy you brought up Charlie…"

"Why?"

"Well…there is this case I've been working on for about a week and a half now…It deals with the rights of homeless shelters…"

"OK…"

"Casey…Charlie's name came up…"

Casey sat bolt upright.

"Wha—how?

"He's actually working in a homeless shelter now…right here in New York…"

Casey was stunned and speechless.

"He is a potential plaintiff in a class action suit I'm working on. I spoke with him over the phone—"

"How was he?" Casey interjected, "How did he sound?"

"Like a fully functional person. In fact, he's the night manager of his shelter…"

Casey slowly absorbed all of this.

"That actually sounds good…he wasn't functional at all the last time I saw him…"

"Yes, this is good news...I wanted to share it with you…but I had a feeling it might open a can of worms…"

Casey considered this.

"You're right…"

"I thought so. That's why I didn't tell Charlie anything about us being friends."

Casey looked up at Serena.

"Thanks! That was very professional of you, and I am grateful for it."

"You're very welcome! But Casey…"

"Yeah?"

Serena reached into her pocket, and extracted a folded sheet of paper.

"I have his contact information…the address of the shelter where he works, and their phone number…"

Casey stared at the piece of paper in Serena's hand. Serena extended the paper to Casey, but Casey made no move to accept it.

"What…what would I say to him…after all these years?"

"I'm afraid I can't tell you that, Casey. In fact, I can't tell you if you should even contact Charlie or not. No one can. Not me, not Liv, not Elliot, not Olivet, no one. Only you can decide if that is right for you or not.

"The only thing I can do is give this to you."

Serena's hand crept another inch or so forward. Hesitatingly, Casey took the paper. Serena's now empty hand caressed Casey's upper arm.

"And Casey?"

"Yeah?"

"If you find yourself tearing this up and throwing it away—not that that's necessarily going to happen, but I would understand if you did—"

"Yeah?"

"I'll always keep an extra copy in my files for you."

Casey's forearm came up, her had grasping Serena's upper arm.

"Thank you, Serena! You really are a friend!"

"So are you, Casey. So are you."

The two friends smiled at each other for a moment. Then a smirk came across Serena's face.

"Although…I would think I'm hot enough for us to be MORE than just friends!"

"Well…you certainly have a charming personality!" retorted Casey, a smirk of her own matching Serena's.

"Ugh! A 'charming personality?' This is the thanks I get?"

"Gratitude is overrated!"

Serena could only stare in amazement.

"Come here, you!" commanded Casey as she stood up.

Serena obliged, and the two women hugged.