Rant Away
By: KC
Hello all! This is my first foray into the world of video game fanfiction, as is probably obvious. :smile: Inspiration? My brother got the Megaman collection disk for PS2, and my buddy Emu and I were exploring it. There's actually an episode of the anime under the "Secrets" section...kinda sad, the stuff we thought was cool when we were kids...that anime did NOT deserve Scott McNeil's talent, I don't care if he voiced the coolest character ever to show up in that Godforsaken show (i.e. Protoman).
This fic is basically all my Megaman rants in the form of a conversation between a somewhat-eager Protoman and a very unwilling Bass. (He reminds me so much of Hiei from Yuu Yuu Hakusho... I'd like to see the two of them meet. They'd probably sit and glare at each other for hours on end.) All rants are numbered and will appear at the bottom of the fic for a further dose of inanity.
So, before this particular intro gets too terribly long, I'd better start...please enjoy! R&R!
"What do you call that?"
Bass looked up from his...well, he preferred to call it "maintenance." It was really more "repair work" than anything else. Megaman had very nearly destroyed him (literally) in their last battle, and it had taken him upwards of a week to put himself back together (also literal). (1) The last bit needing work was a set of scuff marks on an armor plate on his upper arm - ironically, the only thing that hadn't needed to be replaced. These he was trying and failing to remove with a rag.
Protoman was bored, he was bored, what the hell. He'd bite. "What."
"That." Protoman gestured to the cloth he was using for his "maintenance" with a smile on his face. Bass didn't particularly like that smile; however, he was still bored.
"Nothing."
"Really." Protoman smirked, pleased that his little joke would come to fruition. "Looks like a Bass-wipe to me."
Bass didn't even bother to dignify that with an answer. Protoman was pronouncing his name wrong. His lip curled at the occurrence of his particular little pet peeve.
The fact that the scuff marks wouldn't come off didn't improve his mood.
"Oh, so you're not talking to me now." Protoman shrugged, acting offended. Then the smirk returned. "I guess that makes you a Bass-tard."
It was all Bass could do to not completely crush the scuffed plate in his hands. It was too bad robots didn't feel pain. Humans had some very interesting torture methods, and Bass would've loved to try them out on Protoman. Oh well.
Trying to keep his temper at least slightly in check, he glanced up at the clock. It had been ten minutes since he'd made a death threat - maybe he could break his thirty-two minute record. He decided to say the least belligerent thing that came to mind.
"You're saying my name wrong."
"Really."
"Yeah." Bass was warming up to his subject. If he could at least set one person straight, then maybe he wouldn't feel so homicidal all the time.
Right. When his wolf Treble turned into a cat.
"It's pronounced "Bass,'" he explained, "like the guitar." He was NOT a fish, dammit. Why didn't people get it? (2)
"Or the violin," Protoman grinned.
Right about then, Bass really wanted to make Protoman eat his sunglasses. It would be justified, right? C'mon, the aviator sunglasses had gone out of style in the eighties. He would be doing Protoman a favor...well, not the eating part, but still. The sunglasses were simply, for lack of a better word, lame. And "lame" was something this particular robot could not afford to be. Wasn't he always complaining about how Roll never noticed him?
Protoman didn't believe Bass when he suggested that maybe, just maybe, the fact that Protoman tried to kill Roll's brother on sight was a turnoff. Not that Megaman didn't deserve to die, but it really shouldn't be done by the guy trying to snare his sister. He really didn't think Roll would enjoy the idea of dating her brother's killer.
Protoman should really leave the killing of Megaman to Bass. He smirked. At least his loss count against the Blue Booby was lower than Protoman's. The fact the had faced Megaman fewer times than Protoman had, of course, nothing to do with it.
"What'cha thinking about?" Protoman inquired, thoroughly derailing Bass' train of thought.
"Hn." He went back to his "maintenance."
"Roll's mine, by the way."
"I. DO. NOT. CARE." Bass wondered, for what had to be the hundredth time that day, why he put up with this idiot at all. He was at sixteen minutes. Halfway there.
"Just making sure." Protoman shrugged. Bass did his best to ignore him.
It would have been a lot easier if Protoman would have shut up, or better yet, left the room completely. But no, he insisted on hanging around and making idle gossip. Bass wondered briefly if it would break his self-imposed record rules if he simply killed Protoman without threatening him first. Probably.
"Hey, d'you know what Megaman's real name is?" This guy needed to learn to keep quiet. Bass decided to inform him of that necessity.
"Don't care. Shut up." This was said in the same tone Bass would use to tell Protoman to step in front of a speeding bus.
Although, considering what Protoman was made of, it would be one hell of a waste of bus.
"Rock."
That caught Bass' attention. "What?"
"Megaman's real name is "Rock.'" (3) Protoman grinned. "Crazy, isn't it?"
Bass was having trouble processing this. "...Rock...what the hell...?"
Protoman shrugged. "Well, put him together with his sister. What do you get? Rock and Roll!"
Bass shook his head, grateful for the first time in his life that he had been created by Dr. Wily. Sure, the egotistical old fart had given him a virtually unpronounceable name, but...Rock. Jeez. At least he didn't have a name that described his thought process.
"Hell of a name."
Protoman shrugged again. "I dunno, I wonder what Wily was thinking when he designed some of the idiot robots running around his lab." (4) He glanced at Bass. "You and me not included."
"Of course not." Not if the idiot wanted to retain his functioning capability. Bass wondered briefly if the thought counted as a death threat. No, he decided, it wasn't verbal, so it didn't count. Seven minutes to go.
"I mean, think about it. Woodman." Protoman shook his head sadly. "Woodman is a log with legs. Man, he must've been tired to think up that one...or drunk. My bet is drunk. And Plantman! Jeez, drunk and on a "save Mother Nature" kick at the same time. Aren't there laws against that?"
Bass raised an eyebrow. "Since when does Wily care about laws?"
"Good point. Remember Flameman?"
Bass rolled his eyes. Oh, he remembered Flameman, all right. The poor schmo had been designed to look like an oversized Bic lighter. (He had about the power level of the aforementioned lighter as well. All he needed was a combat buddy named Hairsprayman and he would've been set.) To add insult to idiocy, he was painted bright, neon, eye-searing yellow.
He hadn't lasted a week.
"And then there was Napalmman." Protoman smirked.
Napalmman was another example of Wily's idiocy. The lighter hadn't worked, so he'd gone straight to the other extreme and created a robot meant to use the military-issue incendiary. Unfortunately, he hadn't given the design enough flameproof coating.
Napalmman hadn't lasted a week either.
Bass found himself grateful that Wily had gotten off his "-man" kick before he'd created Bass' designs. What the hell kind of "-man" would he have been? He didn't think he wanted to know.
Protoman had evidently had the same thought. "What would your name have been if you had been a "-man?'" he wondered aloud. "Judging from your name, probably...Musicman." He nodded decisively.
Bass spluttered. "WHAT!"
Protoman was paying too much attention to his mologue to notice Bass' mood. "Yeah. Then we could give you a title – "The Musicman" – but what about weapons? Oh, I know! Seventy-six trombones!" He was grinning now. "What do you think?"
That had crossed several lines, all of them trouble. Bass stood slowly. "I think I'm going to rewire you. Manually." To hell with the record. Protoman needed to die. Immediately.
"Oh..." Protoman had finally noticed the more-than-slightly homicidal gleam in Bass' eyes. "Oh...shit..." He turned and made for the door, narrowly avoiding all the lime-green blasts issuing from Bass' arm cannon – all except for the one that glanced off his helmet and knocked his sunglasses to the floor. Deciding his life was slightly more important than his sunglasses, Protoman sprinted out the door, seconds before a wayward shot struck the uppermost frame and caused a small avalanche of plaster and unnecessary support beams, effectively blocking the doorway.
Bass sat back down. The relief from Protoman would be only temporary, but it was worth it. He'd blast his way out soon and go track down the idiot with the yellow scarf. Maybe then he'd feed Protoman his sunglasses. Sure. That sounded like a plan. He'd do it.
Just as soon as he finished his "maintenance."
Rant #1: The Fallapart Clause
Why is it that all of Wily's robots fall to pieces after one, maybe two attacks? It's like, oh crap I'm gonna die, collapse. Easy storage until he takes time out of his busy weekend of martinis, evil plotting, and golf to fix them? Or maybe a more literal meaning to the phrase "Rest in Pieces." And, when they fall apart, there is absolutely no wiring inside them. They ARE robots, right? What's holding them together – mechanical superglue? I can just see this: squirt, squirt, BZZT, live! Live! I command you to LIVE! Wily's just crazy enough to try it, too...makes you wonder if Bass and Protoman have fallapart plans too. Wow, that would suck. I don't think Bass' ego could take it. :Laugh:
Rant #2: Pronunciation Woes
Who else had problems figuring out how to pronounce Bass' name:Raises hand: For those of us who aren't musically inclined, that name is hell. (Come to think of it, the name is hell anyway.) The Treble/Bass pair is a nice theme and all, but c'mon, we're in America here. This is the country that thrives on "Hooked on Phonics." Bass' name simply defeats us every time. And we wonder why he has such an abrasive personality. :laugh: (BTW, for those of you who haven't figured it out yet, "Bass" is pronounced "base.")
Rant #3: Clapton Would Be Proud
Rock. Holy freaking cow, his name is ROCK. When Emu first told me that, I laughed at her. I didn't believe her - thought she was being funny. And then we watched the aforementioned episode of the anime...evidently she wasn't joking. 0.o Kinda makes you wonder what Light was thinking...did he want to spread the bad names around? There's not much opportunity with a name like "Light"...It's like naming a kid Bruno. He's gonna be a bodyguard when he grows up. You don't get a waiter named "Bruno" – it just doesn't happen. Likewise, "Rock" and "Roll." Yeowch. I wonder if there's a test for senility in old men? Or maybe name dictionaries ARE that expensive. Anyway, there's no real excuse for "Rock"...this is the first time I've actually felt sorry for Megaman. .'
Rant #4: Let's All Be Senile Together
So if Light is senile, Wily must be completely out of his tree. You need proof? Look at the robots he's created. With the exception of Protoman and Bass, they're all on the more pathetic side of the line. I already talked about Woodman and Plantman. Flameman and Napalmman really do exist, and Flameman really DOES look like a Bic lighter gone wrong. Then there's Dustman, who has a ventilation system on top of his head and looks like he could be a spokesman for Hoover. (Hey, if the taking over the world business doesn't work out, we could always go into telemarketing...that's plenty evil.) And Crashman – you can tell where he's headed just from the name. (Now all we need is Burnman, so they can Crash and Burn.) Quickman – take out the "c", and we have another spokesman! I could go on for pages about the horrible robot names in the Megaman games, but I really don't think I should...you're all probably pretty tired of me as it is. Send me your favorite (or least favorite, depending) names in reviews...they're all worth a laugh.
So that's the fic. How'd you like it? This entire thing was written in about three hours, so it's really not much. :shrugs: Oh well. I thought the plays on Bass' name were funny, but that's me. So, I hope you enjoyed it! Please leave me some reviews in my mailbox...I need an excuse to clear out the cobwebs. :smile:
Bye!