I don't want to follow death and all of his friends.
Arthur was going to absolutely kill him for doing this. Merlin knew it, this was not going to end well. But he couldn't really think of anything but the fact that he was seeing stars and he was walking on blood-red water and above his head people were flying.
Everything caught Merlin's attention. His vision was sort of flashing in an odd way and stars were literally surrounding him. They were in the sky, under his feet, in front of his eyes, just everywhere. They were everywhere. And they looked quite strange as well, tiny furry pink balls scurrying around in circles, but he knew for sure they were stars, he just knew. It was as if he was dreaming, and he knew it, but he couldn't bring himself to wake up.
That wasn't even the oddest part either, never mind the fact that people were flying above his head, these shadowy figures, whispering in his ears, saying things in low voices, things he should probably understand but it was like they were speaking in a different language. No, that wasn't even the oddest thing, not even the fact that he was walking on water, water that looked suspiciously much like blood. That wasn't the oddest thing. The oddest thing was that in front of him, on the other side of the water, Will was standing, waving at him cheerfully. And next to Will, stood his mother, looking as happy as Will.
In that moment, Merlin was struck with a sudden, petrifying fear, because he realized that he must be dead. That was the only explanation. Will had been dead for over 5 years and his mother had died last spring. A sudden, irresponsible urge to laugh overtook him as he figured that now Arthur wouldn't have to kill him, because he was already dead. There was no way he could possibly be alive now.
"I'm dead, aren't I?" Merlin whispered, staring over at his friend and mother. He assumed that they wouldn't hear him, but their happy faces immediately fell and an instant darkness suddenly surrounded him as the stars suddenly faded and the crimson-red water underneath him turned into a dark grey shade. Merlin's eyes strayed around and as sudden as they had appeared Will and his mother were gone.
"Oh no," agony ripped through Merlin at the realization. "I'm dead."
Everything around him faded into an even darker shade and it felt like he was being swallowed by the darkness. The shadowy figures surrounded him now, swirling around him, whispering, chanting in evil voices. Come home, come home. "Don't," Merlin said in a quiet whisper and pressed the palms of his hands against his head, closing his eyes.
It felt like a sudden surge of power coursed through his body and Merlin fell to his knees, exhausted, gasping. Arthur's face appeared in his mind, the expression Arthur had worn when he had realized that Merlin hadn't stayed behind in the tent like Arthur had asked. Merlin had disobeyed a direct order from the King himself, Merlin had disobeyed to go out in battle when he knew that he wasn't even cut out for battle. But Merlin could help. He could use his magic and if that meant he could save Arthur than he would do it. Memories flooded Merlin's mind, images, he had taken one of the horses, after using his magic against the guards watching his tent, and ridden out to help his King and lover.
Arthur had scolded him, worried, when he had appeared by his side with the usual, "Merlin, you great idiot!" but Merlin had just given him a glare in return and explained the situation and he saw the raw fear in Arthur's eyes. The Mercian soldiers had a sorcerer, and a strong one at that, Merlin sensed his immense powers from across the battlefield. Arthur always grew worried when Merlin encountered another sorcerer. A few hours later, the battle had taken its course and Camelot was holding the victory. Merlin had come face to face with sorcerer, his black eyes staring Merlin down, and after that everything had gone sort of blurry, there had been pain, and a huge blast, fire and screaming. Arthur calling his name in horror. After that everything had blackened for Merlin.
Merlin was definitely sure he was dead. There was no other explanation.
The voices kept echoing around him, wrapping around him uncomfortably like an ice-cold blanket, suffocating him, making him gasping for air. Come home, Emrys. Emrys. "No," Merlin whimpered as an agonizing pain spread through his joints, white-hot fire making him scream out loud. The agony was all he could think of, the pain was everywhere. He didn't understand. Surely, if he was dead he shouldn't be feeling this kind of pain. Merlin, Merlin, come back to me. The voice echoed in Merlin's mind and he struggled to hear it through the blinding pain. Merlin, listen to my voice. He knew that voice, he loved that voice. Arthur. Arthur, help me.
"Arthur," Merlin whispered and the pain slowly started ebbing away. He felt like he was drowning, the surface was so close now, he could practically feel the wind blowing on his fingertips, in his hair, on his face and then he resurfaced and the pain was excruciating. It was like he felt everything that was wrong inside his body and it hurt. He moaned, his teeth clenched together, and he opened his eyes. A pair of anxious, fear-filled blue eyes stared back. Arthur.
"God, Merlin, I could kill you right now for your incredible stupidity," Arthur's voice broke slightly at the last word, his voice sounded hoarse and cracked and Merlin narrowed his eyes, the fear was evident in the King's face and that was the last thing Merlin saw before he once again passed out.
Merlin woke up, what felt like only seconds later, and the pain was gone. His whole body felt numb and throbbed slightly, and his head was aching horribly but the fire-hot agony was gone and Merlin moaned as he opened his eyes. Gaius was leaning over him.
"Welcome back, Merlin," Gaius gave him a small relieved smile. "You've been unconscious for nearly three days."
"What happened?" Merlin's voice sounded cracked in his own ears and he licked his chapped and dry lips, coughing. Three days?
"I'll tell you what happened," a quiet and dark voice said sternly. Arthur. He loomed nearby and leaned over the bed, putting his hands on either side of Merlin's head. Arthur didn't look physically hurt and relief flooded through Merlin's body. Arthur looked quite pissed off however. Arthur glanced at Gaius. "You're dismissed for now, Gaius."
"Yes sire," Gaius nodded and threw a glance at Merlin before walking out of the chambers.
Arthur sighed and sat down on Merlin's bed. Merlin groaned slightly and tried to push himself into a sitting position. Arthur rolled his eyes, grabbed Merlin under his arms and helped him up. "Merlin, what am I going to do with you?"
Merlin blinked a few times, trying to clear his foggy vision. "What happened? I remember the sorcerer, and then everything… faded."
Arthur closed his eyes for a moment, but Merlin saw the flash of pain in his face. "I didn't see exactly what happened; the sorcerer hit you with some kind of magic and then you… I am not quite sure what you did." Arthur frowned. "You sent out some kind of burst of power, it was so powerful, even I felt it. Everything went black for a second, there was smoke and I found you…" Arthur closed his eyes, swallowing. "I thought you were dead."
"I was dead," Merlin whispered. "At least for a moment. I saw Will… and my mother. It felt like I was swallowed in darkness." Arthur's gaze caught Merlin's. "I must've overcharged the spell. I am almost never affected by my own magic."
Arthur grabbed Merlin's hand and Merlin swallowed as Arthur stared piercingly at him. "You're never to do anything like that ever again, do you understand?" Arthur stared at him, his gaze hard. "I am the King, and you will obey my orders."
Merlin shook his head. "Of course I will, Arthur, but if it comes down to me disobeying your orders to save your life, then I will do it."
Arthur shook his head, groaning. "You don't get it, Merlin." Arthur cupped Merlin's face in his firm hands and his voice shook as he spoke. "Merlin, I command you, as your King, to never do something like that again. I will never forgive you if you do something like that again." Arthur's voice cracked, and he his voice sounded lost. "I will never forgive you, Merlin. I thought you were dead."
"Arthur," Merlin whispered, tears forming behind his eyelids. Arthur made a small noise and pressed his lips urgently against Merlin's. Merlin moaned and immediately opened his mouth and Arthur slipped his tongue outside, working his mouth desperately. Arthur's hands travelled down Merlin's arm, seeking skin and Merlin gasped into the kiss when Arthur's hands moved up his back, underneath his shirt. Merlin was well aware that they shouldn't be doing this. Arthur was a married man now. This was not acceptable anymore. They weren't the same people they used to be when they were just man-servant and Crown Prince. Sometimes, they just couldn't stop themselves, sometimes there were moments of weakness when they just needed each other. It was weak and wrong and they shouldn't do it, but it happened.
Merlin pulled back abruptly, despair threatening to overwhelm him. Arthur still had his eyes closed and he whispered Merlin's name. Merlin just leaned his forehead against Arthur, breathing Arthur's air, choking down a sob.
"We can't, Arthur," Merlin whispered against his lips. "We are not those people. I am not that person. I won't do this to Gwen."
Arthur opened his eyes and straightened up. He looked crushed for a moment before he stood up with a hard expression. "Remember what I said, Merlin," he said quietly. "I will not have you disobey my orders again. Now get some rest."
Arthur turned around and walked out of the bedchambers, leaving Merlin alone. Merlin let out a shaky breath he didn't realize he had been holding and leaned against the pillows. A new, sudden agonizing ache ripped through his chest, but this ache was not physical and it had not been there a few moments ago. Merlin fell into an uneasy sleep that night, dreaming of blood, screaming, fire and Arthur's lips against his, his hands on Merlin's body. Four days later Merlin was back on his feet and back to work, but he couldn't look at Arthur. He felt Arthur's gaze on him, everywhere he went, but he couldn't look at his King. He couldn't bear to look at Arthur, he couldn't bear the despair he felt when he saw Arthur with his queen. He couldn't bear it.