Hullo! Hi! How you doin? First of I am really excited about this. The idea just randomly popped up in my head and got me so excited it's not even funny, I was jumping in my seat. Secondly, this is a version where they are all muggles and some of the relationships are perhaps not exactly the way they were originally. I also apologies for all the profanity or other possibly offensive language, but I felt it was necessary. Thirdly, I own none of the characters, I only take claim to the plot. All the characters belong to JK Rowling. Fourth and lastly: Enjoy the first chapter of: Harry Potter, Hogwarts Private Eye!
Harry Potter, Hogwarts Private Eye Chapter 1:
"Get up you bloody, worthless fucking faggot!" Veron's shrilling voice added with his fat fist pounding on my door. The recipe for an instant headache in the morning. Fabulous.
"Bundles of sticks don't form opinions, twit." I mumbled as I heaved myself up off the cold floor. I yawned heavily and cracked my back. The banging continued.
"Are you deaf, boy?!" He screeched some more. I grabbed my Swiss blade knife from the side of my pillow, not really wanting to unlock the guns this early in the morning. I opened it, and kissed it for good luck.
"Time to put on a show, my pretty." I smirked, marched to the door, slammed it open and before Veron can even attempt to run; he was up against the wall, knife to his throat, at my mercy.
"I am not deaf." I said, annunciating every vowel and continent. "I am wide awake, clearly. As is Cassidy here." I inched my Swiss towards his neck a bit more, he gulped, but somehow still managed not to shit his pants. Impressive.
"Y-you could have answered the door! And you have no right to use that!"
"You," I hissed. "Have no right to be at my door. I pay rent just like every other lowlife in this God Forsaken fucking apartment. Why do I get woken up at whatever-the-fuck-o'clock it is by an asshole landlord? Hmm?"
"Not yours anymore! You owe me rent!" He yells, spit spewing from his mouth as if he's some rabie infected squirrel. I rolled my eyes and swished Cassidy back in her place. This man was ridiculous. I push away Veron and head back to my apartment. "Check your goddamn post old man."
"What?" Veron said, rubbing his throat in relief.
"Who's deaf now?" I rolled my eyes again and looked over my shoulder at him. "Look in your post box, you twit. I put it in there almost a week ago."
"Why didn't you just fucking hand it to me?" He snarls.
"So you could insult me and call me a bloody, worthless fucking faggot? I think not. I did us both a favor, I assure you. Now if you'll excuse me, Mr. Bastard, I have sleep to catch up on." And I slammed my door. I slid down my door, chipping away more of old paint crust and sighed, ignoring Veron's growls and mumbles of profanity.
'Why did I choose to live here?' I asked myself. 'Honestly I ha-,'
My thought was interrupted by my phone blasting Nineteen Fifty Eight by A Day To Remember.
'Old Coot' the caller ID read.
'Right. Work. Convenience.' I sighed and picked up my phone.
"Hullo old man." I said as I pulled myself up and ruffed my hair on the way to the kitchen.
"Good morning, my boy." Dumbledore's chipper voice rang enthusiastically.
"I'm nobody's boy, especially not yours." I balanced my phone on my shoulder, allowing myself access to both hands.
"You sound stressed, Harry. Trouble sleeping?" He sounded genuinely concerned. I closed my eyes, suppressing the urge to roll my eyes, and sighed.
"Nah, just fucking moronic landlords." I put the hot water in the kettle and set the kettle on the hot stove.
"Profanity again, my boy? I really should take that out of your paycheck."
I reached up in my cupboard for a tea packet, grunting a bit in the process. "You do that old man, I swear I'll take the Ministry up on their offer."
He chuckled. "We can't have that, can we?"
I smirked and leaned against the counter. "I suppose not." The kettle puffed out its angry blow.
"Tea, Harry?" He asked as I poured a steaming cup of hot water and put in the packet.
"Ain't that how every honest English man starts off his day?"
He chuckled again. "Earl Gray, black?"
A hint of a smile tugs at the edges of my lips. "I prefer a little sugar and cream. Adds a little color to my morning." I say as I put a pinch of both in my cup. I stir, take a sip and release a small 'Ahh' of pleasure. "But, as meddling as you are, I don't think you called to know my morning habits, did you?"
"Always straight to the point, my boy." He said playfully.
"The only reason I'm not on unemployment." I smirked and moved back into the all-in-one room.
"I've got a new case for you." His voice was now stern, business.
"I thought so," I sat down on the blankets on the floor and reached for my laptop. "Not another Lestrange or Malfoy case? You did get the set of files I sent you at 3 via email, correct?" I reached in my back pocket for my cigarettes while my computer was booting.
"Indeed. We need to discuss your sporadic sleeping patterns." I rolled my eyes. "What do you think? About the Malfoy case, that is." He inquired.
"I believe," I paused, clicking my lighter and igniting my cancer stick. "Draco's going to be found innocent, proof or no proof." I huffed out a breath of smoke.
"Why is that, my boy?"
"Lucius Malfoy, I'm sure you've heard the name." Dumbledore grunted in acknowledgement. "Draco's Papa. Has high rankings all over the Ministry. Department of Law Enforcement, All the Auror's are on first name basis and according to my research," He scrolled down his files. "Has quite the interesting relationship with the Minister himself."
"What do you mean by 'Interesting', Harry?" Dumbledore sounded skeptic.
"No, you old coot, it's not what you think." I chuckled. "No physical transactions as far as we know, stop being an old perv. I don't wanna work for a pedophile."
Dumbledore chuckled back. "I said nothing."
"You were thinking about it." Dumbledore said nothing, so I continued my report. "There are a lot of 'donations' from Lucius Malfoy to the Ministry, surely a way of keeping his status. However," I shuffled through the paper files of income. "I was looking into the workers files, both in the Department of Law Enforcement and the special Auror section, and I happened to spot the Ministers file." I smirked.
"Oh really now? And what did you find?"
"The Ministers income doesn't match his salary. And I'm sure you know what that means."
"He's stealing money for charities and all of that political jazz?" Dumbledore suggested.
"Nope, though I can prove that Fudge has done that as well. I'll put those documents in your mail box at the office later on after I photocopy them." I took another inhale of sweet tobacco. "Cornelius Oswald Fudge has been getting personal 'donations' from Lucius Malfoy for years."
"You positive, Harry?"
"Why do I even bother sending you things!" I growled. "Did you even look at the email I sent you, old man? It had an audio file. You listen to that and read the files, then you tell me if he has or hasn't."
"I'm an old man, it's hard to read. You can't blame me." I could hear the smile in his voice and I rolled my eyes.
"Sure, sure." I said, putting out my cigarette after one more dragon ring of smoke. "Anyways, if we can prove Fudge is guilty, we may be able to snap off a lot of Lucius's ties to the Ministry, and while I am still unsure that is all of his strings, it will definitely help you guys win the Draco Malfoy case."
"You're a genius, my boy. No amount of thanks could express my gratitude." Dumbledore said humbly.
"Yeah, yeah. You tell me the same things every time, gramps. Anyway, new case?"
"After you've put the photocopies in my mail box, come visit me in the Astronomy Tower and I'll give you the details. In the meantime, get some rest, my boy."
"All right, all right. Night, meddling old coot. See you at Hogwarts in a few hours." I heard Dumbledore chuckle. I smirked and hung up.
'Time for some sleep you fucking insomniac detective.'
Thank you, thank you! Thank you for the read! That's all that matters to me! If you have any questions, comment or concerns, feel free to message me or, if you are reviewing, slap it in there!