Cuts So Deep

By AmboDriver

Disclaimer: As usual, I don't own anything. I'm just playing around with the characters that I adore (even if they are all super sad right now). They are owned by Shondaland, ABC, and probably a lot of other really rich folks.

A/N: Okay, I realize I should be packing, or studying, or working on my other two stories, but after that premiere I just need my own little follow up. This is just a one-shot that certainly gets them further along than they will get on the show anytime soon, I'm sure, but I need a little resolution, especially since it'll be two weeks before we get to see what comes after the "snap out of it" scene. And besides, it is fan fiction after all…it's allowed to be happier than the show, right? So, yes, I realize it's a little neater than it should be (or that I would normally write), but I needed some happy hope after watching that scene about 50 times.

Somehow I get the feeling I'm going to be sucked into a lot of these one-shots this season, but I promise I'll keep up with the other stories, too. Who needs sleep, right?

Callie looked down at her hand and just stared at the blood dripping from her palm. It didn't hurt, which was strange since the cut was rather deep. In fact, it almost tickled, but maybe that was just the blood seeping down her skin and landing in quick drops on the counter, splattering all over the apple she had been slicing. "Shit," she whispered to herself. "This is the last thing I need."

She angrily grabbed a clean kitchen towel and wrapped it around her palm, finally feeling the sting as the fabric irritated the wound. "Mother—" She cut off the curse as she looked up to see dark eyes peering at her from the living room. She sucked in a breath between her teeth as the sting turned into a throb. "Damn, what am I going to do?" She peeked under the towel at the cut and shook her head. It was deep, not quite to the bone, but it would surely need a few sutures.

She thought about calling Bailey or Webber to come over and take care of it here, so she wouldn't have to worry about Sofia, but she knew she couldn't. Arizona was adamant that no one come into the apartment, least of all one of their friends. And things were bad enough when it came to her wife. She didn't need to make them any worse. But, still, she couldn't get Sofia all packed up and over to the hospital with just one hand.

It had been two days since Arizona had last said a word to her, and those words, like almost anything that came out of her mouth these days, had been full of anger. In retrospect, Callie had realized that telling her to snap out of it was probably not the best bit of advice, but she was at her wits end. Mark was gone, Arizona was practically gone, Cristina had high-tailed it out of the state at the first chance. If it hadn't been for Sofia, she was pretty sure she'd be curled up in a ball just like Arizona, feeling like the world had finally dealt her one too many blows. And now she was standing here in her kitchen, blood soaking a kitchen towel, and it just seemed like insult being added to injury. What had they all done in their lives to deserve this? They were supposed to be healers and yet they were the ones that were so often getting hurt.

Another throb of pain brought her attention back to her hand and the towel that was rapidly turning red. She didn't have time to figure out another plan, she needed to take care of this. "Well, if this won't get you to snap out of it, I don't know what will," she muttered under her breath as she looked at the door to their bedroom.

She grabbed another dish towel and wrapped it over the first before going over to Sofia and grabbing her by the hand. "Hey, Sof, do you want to go so Mama?"

Those big brown eyes that looked so much like her own, sparkled then. "Mama!" The little girl started to pull on Callie's good hand and lean toward the bedroom. Their little girl was smart. She might have not seen her Mama in days, had barely seen her at all since she came home from the hospital, but Sofia knew right where she was. "See Mama?" she queried as she looked back at Callie with a hopeful smile on her face.

"Yeah, let's go see her," she whispered as she said a silent prayer that this wouldn't be another step toward the final demise of her marriage. Forcing Sofia upon Arizona could just blow right up in her face, but she was desperate, both to give Arizona something to live for and to get this damned hand fixed.

Callie had to let go of Sofia to open the door and as soon as she did, the toddler sprang through the door. "Mama!" she cried out as she ran in. Callie saw Arizona flinch, her shoulders tightening, but she didn't turn toward the door or their daughter.

"Sofia, wait," Callie called and tried to make a desperate grab for her, but at first she failed. The only thing that saved her was that Sofia's first instinct was to climb up onto the bed, and the height slowed her down enough so that Callie could wrap her in her right arm and hold her back. "Wait right here with me, okay?" she whispered into her ear. She then looked up at Arizona's back. "Arizona, I just sliced my palm pretty badly. I need to go get this stitched up and I can't take her with me. Can you watch her?"

Callie watched as Arizona didn't move for a few seconds. Finally, Arizona took a deeper breath. "That's low, Callie."

"What? Do you think I cut myself on purpose?" She let out a deep sigh. "To be honest, if I thought it would help, I would have done it on purpose, but it was an accident. Arizona, please, do this for Sofia, not for me. But I can't just stand here and bleed all day. It's already soaked through one towel."

"I'll take care of it for you," Arizona barely whispered.

"What?" Callie wasn't sure if she had heard her correctly.

Arizona rolled over, her eyes hard as ever until they took in the mess of red-soaked towels that Callie was clutching between her injured hand and her side so that she had a hand free to restrain Sofia. "I'll sew it up for you," she said as blue eyes hesitantly rose to meet brown. There was just a hint of softening, of compassion, in them. "That way…" Arizona closed her eyes and let out a sigh. "That way we don't have to risk me not being able to take care of her."

"She'd be just fine with—"

"No," Arizona quickly cut her off as her eyes squinted tightly shut. She then opened them and there was a sadness in them that wasn't tinged with the cold anger that Callie had become accustomed to. This time, her eyes just held pain and regret. "You know that's not true."

"Arizona," Callie said quietly, hearing the pain in her own voice. As angry and frustrated as Arizona had been making her of late, it still totally broke her heart when she saw how truly devastated Arizona was, and if there was one thing that Callie understood, it was how hard it was to feel like you couldn't be a mother to your own child. She remembered it when she was going through her own recovery, when she couldn't sit by Sofia's incubator or hold her and feed her. And now just as Sofia was getting sure on her feet and beginning to run around, Arizona couldn't chase her, couldn't run through a park with her or get to her before she hurt herself. It had to be the worst part of it all the pain her wife was going through.

Callie knew that it was just a matter of time and a lot of physical therapy before Arizona could do all those things. She had tried to remind Arizona of all the advances in prosthetics. Hell, the Olympics had just happened the month before and a man had run on two prosthetics and had even beaten some of the best runners in the world. She had brought the newspaper article about it in and put it on the bed for Arizona and she knew her wife had read it. But Arizona wasn't ready to believe that could be her, that really almost anything could be possible.

A tear trickled down Arizona's cheek. Callie hadn't seen her cry in weeks and she hoped that maybe letting herself feel just sadness, instead of the constant cold anger she'd expressed since coming home, would be healing in its own way. Just then, as if on cue, Sofia looked up at Callie and frowned. "Mama, no," she said hesitantly. Those were two of the few words she'd really mastered in the month since she'd begun to put her few words together. Sofia then looked over at Arizona and shook her head. "Cwy," she said with a pout, saying the closest approximation of 'cry' that she could make. "No cwy, Mama," she said softly.

Arizona let out a quiet burst of laughter as she wiped at her face. Her eyes blinked open as she looked down at Sofia, obviously really seeing her for the first time in weeks. "She's getting good at that," she said quietly, as if to no one. She then spoke louder to Sofia, "Okay, I won't cry, baby girl."

It twisted Callie's heart in a knot to hear the affection in Arizona's voice. Sofia was getting through to her, peeling away the layers of ice and stone that had been forming around Arizona since the moment she woke up to find her leg gone. But there were still so many layers to get through and Callie felt like she was on a knife's edge, terrified that anything she said could set Arizona back into a tailspin. But she still needed to try to find something, anything, that would keep her moving down the right path, to finding herself again. "Please, Arizona, don't miss out on her," she whispered to her wife.

This time when Arizona's eyes met her own there was just a hint of something hopeful in them. It was just a little flicker, really, but it was better than the dead pain or flashes of fury she was used to. Arizona swallowed hard and Callie watched as indecision swam across her face for a moment before she just nodded, almost in resignation. "We need to get your hand stitched up. Can you get what we need and set it up on the bar? The light's best out there."

Callie couldn't help but let a smile cross her lips at that. Except for doctor's appointments, Arizona hadn't left the confines of the master suite since coming home almost six weeks ago. She knew if she could just get Arizona out of the dark room, out of this cave she had burrowed herself in, her wife would see that there still was a world out there that she needed to be a part of, that she would want to be a part of again. Even if at first that world was just Sofia, then that would be enough. It would be a start.

"Okay, I'll get our bags and put the TV on for Sofia." She almost asked if Arizona needed any help but stopped herself. She could get around and did it frequently enough to go to the bathroom or get onto the seat in the shower. She was far more capable than she probably liked to admit. And Callie knew that Arizona needed to realize that, so she just gave her wife one last smile and then tugged on Sofia's hand. "Mama will be right out, baby. Let's go see if there's some Dora on, okay?"

That brought a huge smile to the little girl, who obviously understood far more than she could articulate herself. Sofia pulled out of Callie's hand and ran back out into the living room, leaving Callie behind to just stare at her back.

"She's gotten fast too," Arizona said, and this time there was even more sadness in her voice. Callie suspected she knew why.

"Once you get used to a prosthetic, you'll be running after her in no time, I pr—" She stopped herself before she could utter the one word that had become a curse word to them both—promise.

Arizona's eyes snapped up and it was as if a sharp retort sat perched on her lips, but for once it didn't come flying out, and that was a baby step forward in and of itself. "Go get our bags. I don't want you passing out from blood loss."

"Okay," Callie said with the most hesitant of smiles. She then went out into the living room and quickly got Sofia set up with an episode of Dora. She placed the remote control over on the bar in case they needed to find her a second episode before they were done. Then she grabbed both of their medical bags and set them up on the breakfast bar. Just as she was getting out the suture kits and the Lidocaine, she heard the rhythmic thump of Arizona's crutches from behind her. She resisted the urge to turn around and look, not wanting to make Arizona feel any more self-conscious than she likely already did. Instead she focused on digging out the pack of gloves from Arizona's bag and then going into the linen closet to get a few bottles of the sterile water they always kept there to rinse wounds. When she came back, Arizona was settling herself on one of the barstools, her crutches perched up against the stone counter. "Am I forgetting anything? I might be a little fuzzy due to blood loss," Callie quipped, hoping that the attempt at humor would help break the tension she could still feel between them.

Just the smallest of smiles reached one corner of Arizona's mouth, as if she didn't even notice it. "No, I think we're good." Arizona started to pick up the pack of gloves that sat on the bar, but stopped and turned weary eyes up at Callie. "Will we ever be good again?" she said so softly that Callie could barely hear her over the TV.

Callie had to stifle the sob of relief that her body wanted to emit. It was the most hopeful thing Arizona had said since they had brought her in from that mountainside. Instead she blinked away the tears she could feel threatening to spill over her cheeks and then nodded. "I hope so," she said, finally, afraid to say something more resolute for fear of breaking another promise to Arizona. "It won't be easy, but I told you I wasn't going to go anywhere." She almost stopped there, afraid to bring it up, but felt like she needed to say it. "That's one promise I will never break."

Watery blue eyes blinked at her for a moment before Arizona nodded. "I know," was all she whispered, before she shook her head as if to chase away the moment and focus again on the task at hand. "Okay, let's see what you did to yourself," she muttered as she pulled the gloves out of the pack and began putting them on.

It really didn't take much time at all for Arizona to clean, suture, and dress the wound. It really only needed two stitches and Arizona's hands were incredibly sure as she closed the wound. When she was done she took off her gloves and then looked around the apartment, as if taking it in for the first time. She then looked over to where Sofia was sitting on the couch, her eyes wide as she stared at the TV. "Maybe I'll watch with Sofia," she said hesitantly, as if trying on the thought herself.

"She'd like that," Callie agreed.

She smiled as she started to clean up the supplies off the breakfast bar, watching Arizona move across the living room and plopping down onto the couch with more ease than Callie would have imagined. Then when Sofia looked up at Arizona and smiled broadly before snuggling into Arizona's right side, Callie felt a tear finally slip down her cheek. She was afraid to move over to the other couch, to break the spell of this scene before her, so she just settled on one of the wooden stools and watched along with her wife and daughter as Dora and Boots tried to rescue Diego from where he was dangling on the side of a mountain. If only I had had a billy goat to come to her rescue while there was still a chance to save her leg, Callie thought as she watched the simple rescue play out on the cartoon.

"She's asleep," Arizona finally whispered as she looked back over at Callie.

"It's time for her nap anyway," Callie said as she walked over and knelt down by the couch.

"I wish I could tuck her in," Arizona said as she looked down at the snoozing toddler. She ran her fingers through the dark hair and smiled sadly. "I've missed her."

"She's missed you, too," Callie replied as she reached out to gently touch Arizona's fingers. She was surprised when Arizona didn't pull back as if she'd been burned and it brought another ray of hope to Callie. "We can tuck her in together if you want."

Arizona nodded silently as she sat up straighter and moved her arm so Callie could lift the toddler into her arms. Once she was standing, Callie waited for Arizona to get up on her crutches before slowly walking toward Sofia's room. She didn't want to seem like she was waiting on her slower wife, but she also didn't want to leave her behind, so she tried to find a happy medium where she was walking almost beside her, only moving ahead when they reached the door. Callie went over and gently placed Sofia into the crib and then smiled when she saw Arizona pause to turn on the humidifier. "She sounds like she might be getting a cold," Arizona whispered as she moved over beside them.

"Maybe a little," Callie answered as she reached for the blanket to cover Sofia but then stopped. She turned to Arizona. "She's started to like it on her all of a sudden," she said with a nod toward the pink blanket that was bunched up on one side of the crib.

Arizona nodded as she reached down and pulled the blanket up over Sofia's slumbering form. She tucked it around her and then rested her hand on the toddler's stomach with a contented sigh. They stood there like that for a few moments before Arizona turned to Callie. "I don't know how to do this."

"You just take it one—" She stopped herself and shook her head. She had been about to say 'one step at a time' but stopped herself out of fear of setting her wife off because of the turn of phrase.

"No, say it," Arizona whispered.

Callie's eyes fell toward the ground but stopped when she took in the stump of Arizona's left leg. She forced herself to look at it for a few seconds, which was something she had rarely had the chance or the will to do before, and then she nodded as she decided that they both had much they needed to face. She looked up and turned so she could keep Arizona's gaze fully. "We both need to take it one step at a time."

For a moment, Arizona clearly fought herself to keep the anger from bubbling up. Then she just nodded. "One step at a time," she whispered. And then it was like she just deflated as she fell heavily against her crutches, her head drooping and shoulders sagging. "I'm so tired, Calliope," she added weakly.

Callie couldn't help but let a whimper escape at the use of her full name. She hadn't heard Arizona call her that since the night she left for Boise as they said goodbye. It was just a glimmer of hope that they could find their way back to each other. "I know you are, Arizona. And it's okay to be tired, it's okay to be mad, devastated, scared, everything. All those feelings are okay." She hesitantly reached out and touched Arizona's shoulder, surprised when she didn't jump away. "Can we go out to the living room and talk or even just sit there? We don't have to talk if you don't want to."

Arizona nodded but didn't say anything directly to Callie. Instead she kissed the tips of her fingers and then placed them on Sofia's cheek. "I'll learn to be your mama again," she whispered to Sofia. "Just have a little patience baby girl." She then pivoted on one crutch and started out of the nursery.

Callie watched her leave, really taking a moment to watch her. It was hard to watch, to see her wife struggle so much just to move around. And even more so it was hard to see the space where her leg should have been. As she swung her way out of the room, Callie had a chance to really look at what was left, to take it in a little more. She realized she had been avoiding it as much as possible, because it was such a painful reminder of what was and would never be again. But if they were going to get through this and find their love again, she was going to have to find a way to love all of Arizona as she was today, not as she was before she climbed on that plane. And that meant loving the fact she had only a stump where her thigh should have continued on to her knee. And that meant loving the new darkness that would likely always color the edges of her personality, no matter how much of her previous light she ever regained. But Callie had sworn forever and she meant it, legal or not. It was one promise she would never ever break.

When they got out to the living area, Callie asked, "Do you want something to drink? Maybe a little wine?" It had been about two weeks since Arizona had stopped needing any pain medication and her antibiotics had stopped a week before that, so she could certainly have a little something alcoholic to drink. Maybe it would help her relax just a little bit more.

Arizona was just sitting down on the far couch. She placed her crutches on the floor and then propped her right leg up on the coffee table. "Any white wine?"

"Sure," Callie said as she wandered over to the fridge. She grabbed the unopened bottle that had sat in there ever since the night of the plane crash. She had put it in to chill before changing into her lingerie in anticipation of Arizona returning home. It was bittersweet to drink the bottle now, but she supposed this was in a way a celebration of sorts. Arizona was letting her in, if only a little. Maybe this was a chance to start getting things back on track. With a quick deep breath she grabbed two wine glasses from the cabinet and walked into the living room.

Callie hesitated when she walked in, unsure of where she should sit. Normally she wouldn't have hesitated to join Arizona on the couch, but now she knew that probably wasn't an option. And, besides, perhaps it was easier to sit across from her. Then she would have to look her in the eye and face what they had both lost head on. So, she placed one glass on the coffee table and poured Arizona a little of the wine before handing it to her and then moving over to the other couch and pouring her own glass. She sat down and drew her legs under her. She smiled over at Arizona. "Thank you."

Arizona sipped at the wine before looking over at Callie with weary eyes. "What for?"

"For staying out here."

Arizona nodded just a little before staring down at her wine glass. She was silent for a few long moments and Callie let her be, just content to have her out of the bedroom and in her presence. Finally, Arizona sighed. "I don't really blame you," she whispered.

Callie considered saying something, but she knew she needed to give Arizona time to get out what she needed to. Instead she just nodded silently and took another sip of her wine before leaning forward over her knees and calmly watching her wife.

"Logically, I know it couldn't be saved. I knew it out there on that mountain. But that doesn't mean I can accept it." She closed her eyes and tilted her head toward the ceiling. "How do I learn to accept it?"

Callie wasn't entirely sure whether Arizona was asking her or whether the question was rhetorical, but she figured she should try to offer something. "First of all, just be grateful that you have a chance to accept it. You survived a plane crash, Arizona. You survived almost a week in the wilderness with internal bleeding and a horrible open femur fracture that you splinted yourself. You could have given up, but you fought. And you helped Mark fight, too."

"He still died," Arizona countered.

"But you helped give him a shot. He could have died out there, but you helped give him a chance, a reason to try. You were such a fighter out there, Arizona. Why did you fight so hard?" She needed Arizona to remember what she had tried so hard to come home to, what she still had.

Arizona finally looked over at Callie again. "I fought to come back to you and Sofia. I fought to come back to a life that doesn't exist anymore."

Callie nodded, acknowledging that fact. "You're right. Things will always be different. Mark is dead. Sofia lost her father. Lexie's dead. And, yes, you had your leg amputated. You all experienced horrible psychological trauma on top of the physical injuries. And everyone who loves all of you will forever be changed, too. None of us will ever be the same, but you're right, you're probably the one who is changed the most. But just remember that you have that chance to come through this. You lived and you have a chance. Life will be hard and different, but different isn't necessarily bad and hard can be overcome. There can be happiness again and joy. And most importantly, there can be love. There is love. Sofia loves you. I love you."

"How can you ever love me like this Callie? You can't even look at me most of the time."

Callie placed her wine glass down and got up from her seat. She went over and moved Arizona's leg off the coffee table so she could sit right in front of her. She needed Arizona to believe her and she was sure that if she could really look Arizona in the eye, that she would see that she wasn't lying. She sat there for a moment and just looked into those blue eyes that she adored before she intentionally shifted her gaze to the remains of Arizona's leg. She looked at it, really looked at it, taking in the scar that ran across the stump and the slight discoloration of the skin along it. It still broke her heart to look at, but it also was the very tangible sign that Arizona had survived. "I see you," she said as her eyes flickered back up to meet Arizona's gaze. "I see all of you. I see the woman that I started to fall in love with when she walked right up to me in a dirty bar bathroom and kissed me out of nowhere. I see the woman who stood by me through the months I was in the hospital after the car crash. I see the woman with whom I stood in front of our friends and family and swore I'd spend my life with. I see the mother of my child and the greatest friend I've ever had. And I see the woman I'm still madly in love with."

"You're just saying that."

"No, I'm not. I'm so in love with you Arizona. You're my wife. You're the love of my life. You're the most beautiful woman in the world as far as I'm concerned." She moved forward so she was barely perched on the table. She wanted to be as close as she could to Arizona without getting so close she would feel the need to pull away. "I know that it will take time for you to believe that and I will do my best to make sure you hear it as often as you need. And when you're ready, I'll make sure to show you as often as you need. I know it'll take a while and I'll be here waiting, as long as it takes. But please, just don't fall back into that pit you were in."

Arizona nodded. "I won't. I know I need to work through this. I want to work through this." She closed her eyes and wiped at her face before taking a deep breath. "You're right. I'll never be the same, but I need to start coming to terms with this, right? I need to move forward. I can't just spend the rest of my life in that bed being mad at the world. And I'm tired of being mad at you. It wasn't your fault and I know I probably would have died and my leg wouldn't have ever recovered regardless. I know you gave me the only shot I could have. I'm sorry I asked you to make a promise you couldn't keep. And I'm sorry I blamed you." Emotion started choking Arizona's voice and her eyes started tearing up. One tear trickled down her cheek. "I need you, Callie. I don't think I can do this without you."

Callie didn't even think as she moved onto the couch and pulled Arizona into her arms. Much to her surprise, Arizona instantly wrapped her own arms around Callie and snuggled into the warm embrace. Callie just held her tightly in silence for what felt like hours, every breath giving her more and more hope that they would get through this, that they would get back to a life full of love and support.

It wasn't until Sofia cried loudly that they separated. Callie started to get up out of habit, but Arizona reached out to grab her arm. "No, let me go check on her. Please."

Callie smiled as she watched Arizona gather up her crutches and stand up. She just sat there and watched Arizona make her way into Sofia's room. As she entered, she could hear her say, "So, what's all the fuss about?" It was exactly what Arizona had always said when Sofia would cry out before she should normally be up. It was just the slightest bit of normalcy back in their lives.

"Callie?" Arizona called out from the nursery.

Callie quickly made her way into the room to find Sofia standing in the crib, looking up at her mama and bouncing happily on her legs. "What can I do to help?" Callie asked from the doorway.

"I want to hold her," Arizona said and when she looked over at Callie there was a light in her eyes that she hadn't seen since the morning Nick had arrived for his surgery.

"Sit down in the rocking chair," Callie suggested. She then went over and picked up Sofia, grunting slightly at the weight of the toddler. She then turned around and smiled as Arizona looked up and held her arms out for the toddler. "She's gotten heavier," Callie mentioned as she let the squirming girl down into Arizona's arms.

Sofia settled almost immediately as Arizona wrapped her arms around her daughter and held her tightly to her chest. Callie just stood there and took a mental picture of a scene she had feared she would never see again. Then she knelt down next to the chair and ran her hand over Sofia's back before she just placed her hand on Arizona's arm. "We love you so much, Arizona."

Arizona looked over at her and smiled, a real twinkle of affection playing in her blue eyes. "I love you both, too."

THE END