All the apologies in the world wouldn't make up for several lifetimes worth of hurt. That much was painfully obvious. He didn't deserve Hawktalon. His Princess. He kept repeating that in his head, like a mantra. Especially repeated that to himself a few days ago, when he'd...Well, the silver tabby cat had certainly been willing, and Duncan had been bored. But, the guy had been desperate for someone to even talk to him for longer than a few seconds, so Duncan figured that the full package, terrible pun intended, wouldn't hurt the much younger male (a 10-year difference was pretty major). Plus, Makostripe at least had a personality and wasn't completely boring to be around. He just looked intimidating.
Duncan liked intimidating-looking cats, that much was obvious. Then again, he lusted after most for various reasons, so that didn't make much of a difference in the grand scheme of things. And it was a one-time thing, a little test. Both parties had agreed to that. No harm in being bored, after all. They'd meet again, that was for sure, but not in an amorous manner. No, the CrestClan medicine cat's general aesthetic just happened to mesh with Duncan's. He didn't particularly need any more drama in his life right now, and Makostripe had made it crystal clear that he was looking for neither a simple booty call nor a potential romantic partner. The tabby had just thought it would be interesting, and found Duncan to still look nice for his advanced age. Duncan supposed that he had been right about the former; either way, the moment of sexual interest had passed by now, so he really shouldn't have been pondering it. Yet, here he was anyway. Thinking.
He didn't particularly like thinking. Sometimes, it would have been better if he wasn't capable of complex thought. He'd been doing well for the past several years (he couldn't count how many by this point), and he knew that Hawktalon wasn't surprised by his antics and grudgingly accepted that sometimes they just couldn't attend to his needs for various reasons; but, wasn't the entire point of being in a relationship to stick with your partner? To not treat them like yesterday's leftover meat, rotting in the sun? He had faltered, slipped back into his old ways all to easily. It had been a moment of weakness, but that didn't mean it was excusable. Duncan wasn't blind to the pain in their eyes when, all that time ago, he came home late, smelling of the night's catch. Sometimes multiple. They'd pretended to be asleep, sometimes. But he wasn't without senses.
It wasn't exactly something he could apologize for by this point. He'd spit those words out so many times that they barely meant anything anymore. Even with his own feelings on the subject, Hawktalon more than likely felt far worse. But they were good enough for him, he swore. More than good enough, actually. He sighed loudly (not that any cat could hear, most of the Clan was asleep), and rested his chin on top of the slumbering medicine cat's head. Duncan had a lot of regrets in his life, that much was true. Not that he'd ever willingly admit some of them out loud, but still. If anything, he didn't regret becoming their mate. But, deep down, he wondered if they ever regretted loving him.