Four Times Yutaka Loved Shinji, and One Time He was in Love with Him
Authors Note: I've always wanted to do one of these fics with the whole *blank*times this, *blank*times that. I've seen them in other fandoms and I've always thought it'd be fun to do. I admit this one was tricky, probably because Yutaka likes to give me trouble and I focused on him anyway. But yeah. Here this is.
Also, I usually combine details from the manga and the novel, but this is pretty much all novel based. Although, my headcanon says that Yutaka had a crush on Fumiyo at an earlier point in his life, so I kept that. Anyway, feedback is always appreciated!
I.
(Grade School, Age 12)
"Am I missing something?" Shinji asked as he plopped down next to Yutaka.
Yutaka didn't reply when he heard his friend's voice, but simply continued to stare off toward the sidewalk.
Yutaka had been sitting outside on the school steps for the last fifteen minutes. In that time most of the students had already began their walks home, and the only reason Shinji hadn't left yet was because he'd gotten in trouble and had had to stay after to talk to his teacher.
When Yutaka didn't answer him, Shinji lowered his face to the same eye level and stared in the same direction that Yutaka was.
"Oh." Shinji said a second later as he noticed the couple on the sidewalk.
It was Fumiyo Fujiyoshi and Tarou Ueda. Neither boy knew Tarou very well, despite him being in their class, but they both knew Fumiyo, although Shinji only knew her because Yutaka had a crush on her.
Yutaka had only recently told Shinji about his feelings, and it was probably the biggest secret he'd shared with him since the start of their friendship a few months prior.
"I think she likes him." Yutaka admitted as he looked down at his feet.
It was a hard blow to the twelve year old, seeing his crush talking and laughing with some other guy. The truth was that Yutaka fell hard and fast, although once he liked someone he usually liked them until something happened to drastically change things. His last crush had ended because he heard the girl telling her friends how uninterested she was.
That had also been a hard blow.
"I don't know; it's hard to tell with girls sometimes. They can be tricky." Shinji told him, but Yutaka was pretty sure that he was just saying that. Shinji was good with girls, and he never seemed to have any trouble reading them.
Yutaka still didn't reply. Instead he continued to watch as Fumiyo laughed at something Tarou said.
Shinji bumped Yutaka's shoulder, and Yutaka finally turned to face him.
"Come on, let's go do something." Shinji suggested with a wide smile.
"Aren't you supposed to meet those guys in the park to play basketball?" Yutaka asked, 'those guys' referring to a few of Shinji's basketball teammates.
"Eh, I figure they'll survive without me. I mean, losing has to get old, right? Not that I would know." Shinji said with a wink.
Yutaka laughed. Shinji's sense of humor was one of many things that made Yutaka like him.
"Come on, we can hit up the arcade, get some ice cream on the way. I'll even pay for it. The ice cream, I mean. You're on your own for arcade tokens." Shinji told him as he stood up.
"I'm not five; you don't have to buy me ice cream because I'm sad." Yutaka said, although he was smiling just a little because he thought Shinji trying to fix things with ice cream was pretty hilarious.
"Who says I'm buying it because you're sad? I just want some damn ice cream and someone to play games with." Shinji replied with a smirk as he put his hand out for Yutaka to grab.
Yutaka grinned up at the taller boy. Kids in their grade were just starting to curse, but Yutaka was already sure that Shinji sounded cooler than anyone when he did it. And it was probably because of that that Yutaka reached up and took Shinji's hand.
Although it also helped that Yutaka knew Shinji was lying. Shinji never suggested getting ice cream, and even when they did get it he never got more than one scoop. Yutaka doubted he suddenly really wanted it.
Yutaka was pretty sure that Shinji knew he knew that though.
"Okay, but I want three scoops." Yutaka demanded as Shinji pulled him up to his feet.
"Okay, you can have three scoops," Shinji told him before his face turned devious. "If you can beat me there."
It took Yutaka a second to process what Shinji had said, and by the time he did the taller boy was already racing down the steps. Yutaka quickly ran after him, knowing that Hell would freeze over before he beat Shinji in a race.
"Come on, that's not fair!" Yutaka screamed as he ran after Shinji.
"Try and keep up!" Shinji yelled back, obviously amused.
And even though Shinji had him running like a maniac Yutaka couldn't help but think about how lucky he was to have Shinji as a friend. He might not be able to get the girl, but having Shinji as a friend was pretty cool.
II.
(Age 13)
The first time Shinji ever shared any real personal feelings with Yutaka his uncle had just died.
Everyone at school knew that Shinji's uncle had passed away, but Yutaka knew better than to bring it up. He'd learned early on in their friendship that if Shinji didn't want to talk about something then they didn't talk about it. If Shinji didn't like a topic he'd lead the conversation in circles until Yutaka didn't even remember he'd asked.
It'd happened the first time Yutaka had asked who the woman with Shinji's dad was when they'd made an unexpected trip to Shinji's house before going to a movie after school. Shinji had simply shrugged before he started talking about how his dad worked a lot and was some big bureaucrat, and how bureaucrats were basically glorified assholes. He'd then continued on to say that it was hard to believe his dad was so lame when his uncle was so cool, which had led to a story about how his uncle had taught him to play basketball. Yutaka ended up so engrossed in the story that he didn't realize there had been a topic change until they'd left the house and passed the woman on the way out.
Overtime Yutaka had seen the woman a few more times at Shinji's house, and he was fairly sure that she and Shinji's dad were having an affair. The weird thing was that the whole Mimura family seemed to know about it, but just chose to ignore it. He was pretty sure it was the reason Shinji seemed to hate his dad so much, although he didn't seem to hate his mother any less.
The point was Shinji wasn't an open person, at least not to Yutaka. Although Yutaka couldn't imagine Shinji being anymore open with his other friends at school since Shinji's other friendships seemed like they didn't leave the basketball court. Yutaka was pretty sure that Shinji just didn't share personal feelings, and preferred to talk about things without discussing how they made him feel.
And while Yutaka himself didn't understand that, he never questioned Shinji about it. He figured Shinji knew that if he ever needed to talk that Yutaka was there for him.
However, it wasn't until Shinji's uncle died a year into their friendship that Shinji ever said anything.
"They said he was electrocuted at his factory." Shinji told Yutaka, sounding as though he didn't really believe it.
Shinji's comment had come out of nowhere. They were in Yutaka's room and they'd been playing video games when Shinji said it. If Yutaka hadn't already had the subject in mind he would have had no clue what Shinji was even talking about.
"You don't think he was?" Yutaka asked, taking his eyes off the game to see where Shinji was looking.
The taller boy was staring hard at the screen, and Yutaka was pretty sure it was purposefully to avoid making eye contact. Yutaka looked back to the game, although it pained him to do so. He hated acting like they were talking about something so trivial. Shinji had adored his uncle, and Yutaka wanted nothing more than to give Shinji every ounce of his attention and then some, but he knew that wasn't what Shinji wanted.
"It's a really lame way to die. My uncle would never die like that." Shinji said softly, although he sounded very sure of himself. If any other kid their age would have said that Yutaka would have assumed they had a very strong case of denial, but because it was Shinji saying it he believed every word.
"Great people like my uncle don't just get taken out by faulty wiring." Shinji explained as his left hand went up to pull on the earring that now hung from his left ear. No one had to tell Yutaka it had belonged to Shinji's uncle.
Yutaka sat down his controller, knowing that Shinji was done pretending to play the game, and turned to look at his best friend. Shinji was still looking forward, but Yutaka knew he was ready to talk.
"He had so much left to do. And there's still so much that he didn't have time to teach me." Shinji said his voice sounding heavy.
"…You'll figure it out," Yutaka said, a little unsure of how to say what he was thinking. "You're smarter than anyone I know, and I'm guessing that's because of your uncle. He taught you everything you need to know, Shinji. From here you just have to keep doing what you're doing. Whatever you end up doing in life will probably be super important, and he'd be really proud of you for doing it."
Shinji finally looked at him and Yutaka couldn't tell if it was good or bad at first, but then Shinji nodded.
"I miss him. I just really want him to be proud of me... I want to be good." Shinji confessed.
Yutaka had no idea what Shinji meant when he said he wanted to be good, but he didn't question it. Instead he placed his hand on Shinji's knee and gave a reassuring squeeze.
"What do you think your future's gonna be like in this country of ours?" Shinji asked, and Yutaka thought it seemed like a complete change of pace, but to Shinji it seemed to fit into the conversation.
"I don't have a clue," Yutaka replied before he added. "At the very least I'll probably become a comedian."
And suddenly Shinji was laughing because the reply was so facetious and out of place, and Yutaka was smiling because he'd taken a risk in telling a joke given the serious mood, and he was really glad it'd paid off.
Once Shinji stopped laughing he looked at Yutaka and grinned.
"Thanks for listening, man." Shinji said, and Yutaka knew he'd somehow managed to help.
"You're my best friend." Yutaka said with a shrug.
Shinji only smiled in response, but that was okay. He didn't need to bear his soul and tell Yutaka that he was his best friend too.
As far as Yutaka was concerned it didn't matter if Shinji shared his feelings all the time. As long as he knew Yutaka was there when he needed him that was fine. Besides, Yutaka had strong enough feelings about their friendship for both of them. It was a wonder Yutaka had only told Shinji he was his best friend and not said something lamer, like that he loved him.
III.
(2nd year, Junior High. Age 14)
Shinji was taking a long time.
Yutaka had been waiting on the steps of the school for close to ten minutes. It was Thursday and Yutaka and Shinji always hung out on Thursdays.
Of course Yutaka was starting to feel like that was going to come to an end.
During the class competition a few weeks prior Shinji had teamed up with Shuya Nanahara, a popular guy in their class who was known for being a star shortstop in elementary school. They'd ended up winning the game and had hit it off afterward.
Yutaka liked Shuya well enough, everyone did, but he'd be lying if he said that the friendship between Shinji and Shuya didn't scare him.
Yutaka had never really understood why Shinji was friends with him. Shinji was one of the coolest guys around, and, to put it lightly, Yutaka was nothing but a screw up.
As they got older and the lines of popularity began to form more clearly, Yutaka's feelings of inadequacy only grew to be more intense.
Shinji was the star shooting guard on the basketball team, Shinji was good with girls, Shinji was smart, Shinji always knew what to say.
Yutaka was just there for people to laugh at.
A part of Yutaka felt as though maybe Shinji just hadn't realized Yutaka wasn't cool enough to be his friend, or, even worse, Shinji had realized it and just didn't know how to get rid of him.
As Yutaka looked out into the school yard he saw Shinji talking to Shuya. Yutaka and Shinji always met by the steps to walk home, but it didn't look like Shinji was in a hurry to meet him. Yutaka actually thought he might have just forgotten about him.
It wouldn't be surprising. Shuya was the kind of best friend it would make sense for Shinji to have. Yutaka wouldn't even blame him for making the upgrade.
After all, Shuya wouldn't hold Mim back the way Yutaka did. Shuya could keep up with Shinji if he wanted to play a game of basketball. Shuya would be able to sneak into 'R' rated movies with Shinji without drawing attention. Shuya could blend into the popular crowd and not make an ass of himself by doing something embarrassing.
Yutaka sighed. Shinji was his best friend and the idea of being replaced hurt. He'd never had a friend like Shinji before. Yutaka just didn't have that kind of luck very often.
Yutaka figured he was lucky to have been friends with Shinji for as long as he had been, though. He'd lucked out meeting him and becoming friends. So even if their friendship was about to be over, he didn't really have a right to cause a fuss.
Yutaka figured he'd waited long enough as he started his walk home.
He didn't get very far down the sidewalk before he heard the pounding steps of someone running behind him, followed by someone punching his shoulder lightly.
"The hell, Yutaka, you lose your calendar?" Shinji asked jokingly.
For a second Yutaka was so surprised to see him that he just stared up at Shinji's smiling face.
"It's Thursday," Shinji said in response to Yutaka's surprised stare. "You know, Thursday, comes after Wednesday? The day we usually hangout, eat too much pizza, and play video games? Thursday, remember?"
Yutaka shook his head, throwing off his surprised look.
"Oh, uh, yeah. Sorry. I forgot. You know me: forgetful." Yutaka replied sheepishly.
Shinji stared at him with a raised brow before he shook his head.
"Yeah, okay. Just don't forget again. You weren't on the steps and I thought you might've found someone better to hang out with." Shinji joked, although he didn't seem to have any clue that Yutaka had just been fearing something similar to what he had described.
"Who would I find that's better to hang out with?" Yutaka asked, the question a legitimate one.
"Yeah, good point." Shinji conceded.
Yutaka laughed.
"You've gotta stop being so humble all the time, man." Yutaka told Shinji sarcastically.
"I can't help it; it's who I am." Shinji replied with a grin before they both laughed.
"Oh, by the way, don't forget you're going to the movies tomorrow." Shinji said, causing Yutaka to look at him in question.
"I thought you were going with Nanahara to the movies tomorrow?" Yutaka asked.
"Right, me, him, and you. I think he's gonna bring Yoshitoki too, and maybe Hiroki Sugimura. I guess he's supposed to be a cool guy," Shinji said with a shrug. "That's probably why I didn't catch you on the steps; I was hashing out the details with Shuya."
"Hashing out the details?" Yutaka asked.
"Yeah. You've gotta go get your eyes checked after school tomorrow, so I was making sure we could all catch a late showing. You did remember your had an eye doctor appointment, right? Or did you forget that too?" Shinji asked with a smirk.
"No, I didn't forget," Yutaka said. "You guys could've gone without me though."
Shinji raised his eyebrow as he looked at Yutaka.
"We're seeing that new alien movie. You told me you wanted to see it as soon as we saw the trailers." Shinji told him, as though he couldn't fathom going without him solely because of that.
"That was at least a month ago." Yutaka said, surprised Shinji remembered.
"Is there some reason you don't want to go?" Shinji asked, confusion clear in his voice.
"No, I wanna go. I guess I'm just surprised you remembered that I said that." Yutaka answered awkwardly.
Shinji shrugged.
"I also remembered what day it was. One of us has a working memory; sadly it doesn't seem to be you, buddy." Shinji said lightly. He was still looking at Yutaka like he thought something was off.
"Yeah, I guess that's true." Yutaka said with a light laugh.
"Are you sure you're cool with going tomorrow?" Shinji asked. "Because I can always tell Nanahara to go ahead, and you and I can see it later."
Yutaka felt a slight swell in his chest at the offer. It was a small thing, but it was enough to reassure him. Shinji had made sure to plan everything so that Yutaka could go, and on top of that, he was willing to completely cancel his plans if Yutaka asked him to.
"No, tomorrow's good." Yutaka answered with a smile.
"And nothing else is wrong? You don't secretly hate Nanahara do you?" Shinji questioned.
Yutaka laughed.
"No, nothing else is wrong, and I don't hate Shuya. He seems cool." Yutaka told Shinji, and he really did mean it.
"Good to hear. No offence to him, but I think he'd be a pain to ditch. I'm pretty sure he already thinks I'm the coolest guy on the planet. It's a little weird." Shinji admitted.
Yutaka rolled his eyes at that.
"You love people thinking that." Yutaka pointed out.
"No, I love you thinking that. Somehow it's not as adorable when Shuya gives me the starry-eyed look." Shinji joked, his grin wide and his eyes amused.
"I do not give you any starry-eyed looks." Yutaka denied, feeling almost equally amused.
"Bullshit." Shinji mumbled quietly.
Yutaka didn't bother to defend himself and instead pretended he didn't hear Shinji's remark.
"Hey," Shinji said before he stopped and grabbed Yutaka's arm. "You'd tell me if something was wrong, wouldn't you?"
"Yeah." Yutaka replied with a nod.
"You sure? Because you've been a little off lately." Shinji mentioned as he looked down at Yutaka.
"I know," Yutaka admitted. "But I think I'm okay now. If I start getting weird again just pinch me or something."
Shinji laughed as he shook his head.
"Fine, but if you need to talk I'll be here all night. You'd have my full attention." Shinji reminded him with a smile.
"I know," Yutaka said gratefully before he leaned up to whisper in Shinji's ear. "Now stop giving me that starry-eyed look, it's embarrassing." Yutaka then began walking again, smiling as he heard Shinji laughing.
Yutaka knew he'd been being stupid thinking that Shinji would ditch him. Maybe he wasn't as cool as Shuya Nanahara, but for whatever reason Shinji liked him. And that was good, because Yutaka didn't know what he'd ever do without him.
IV.
(3rd year, junior High. Age 15)
In hindsight Yutaka probably should have known better.
After all, it would've taken a lot of planning and skill to have gotten away with the prank he'd just pulled on Mr. Hayashida, and he'd only taken half an hour to plan and had no skill to speak of.
Really it should have come as no surprise when Mr. Hayashida shot him the look that said he was about to spend the rest of his life in detention.
Yutaka was standing in the almost empty classroom with Mr. Hayashida and a few other students. He'd just pulled a big prank that had involved Mr. Hayashida getting hit in the face with water balloons. It was very obviously Yutaka's work since Yutaka had gotten water balloons confiscated the day before. He really should have waited longer and made sure to not be in room when it happened.
Yutaka really didn't think this one through.
Mr. Hayashida looked like he was about to start yelling when Shinji looked at Yutaka from his spot by the door talking to Hiroki.
"Told you I could pull it off." Shinji said loudly.
"Huh?" Yutaka asked, raising his brow.
"You said I couldn't prank Mr. Hayashida before the day was over. Looks like you were wrong," Shinji said smugly before he turned to his teacher. "Sorry, Mr. Hayashida. I had to prove a point."
Mr. Hayashida looked every bit as surprised as Yutaka felt, but he seemed to believe Shinji. It anyone would have access to Yutaka's supplies, it would be Shinji.
"Well, Mr. Mimura, proving your point will cost you a week of detention. I hope it was worth it," Mr. Hayashida said sternly. "Now go to lunch, I need to dry off."
"Of course, sir." Shinji replied cheekily before he walked out of the room with Hiroki.
Yutaka was quick to walk out of the classroom, only to find Shinji waiting for him alone in the hall.
"Why did you do that?" Yutaka asked quietly.
"Because your parents are one phone call away from grounding you for life. Besides, he went easy on me." Shinji answered with a shrug before he began walking to lunch.
"You got a week's worth of detention." Yutaka reminded Shinji, obviously not thinking he understood the weight of the situation.
"Eh, it's just a week. Besides, hot chicks end up in detention." Shinji replied with a wink.
"Look, I'm just gonna go tell Dragonfly that I did it-" Yutaka started only to have Shinji throw an arm around him to make sure he kept moving toward the lunchroom.
"No you're not. You do that, and you'll end up in lockdown. Just let me take the hit for this one, and you can make it up to me later." Shinji suggested.
"What can I do to make it up to you?" Yutaka asked, doubting that there was anything he could do for Shinji.
"I don't know. Be available whenever I want to hangout. I seriously don't care, Yutaka. If you feel guilty, then punish yourself by studying for the math test next week, because if you bomb that your parents are probably gonna ground you anyway." Shinji told him.
"If I can't change your mind-" Yutaka started.
"You can't." Shinji interrupted.
"Then thank you. I'll make sure not to get grounded over the math test." Yutaka promised.
"Good. You have no idea how bored I get when you're grounded." Shinji said happily.
"Please, you have plenty of other people to hang out with." Yutaka reminded him.
"Yeah, but no one cool enough to water balloon Dragonfly in the face." Shinji told him with a wink.
"That was pretty cool wasn't it?" Yutaka said with a laugh.
"Cool doesn't even begin to describe the surprised look on his face. You've got a gift, Yutaka. Just make sure to be more careful about getting caught next time, okay?" Shinji said as removed his arm from Yutaka's shoulders and patted his back.
"Okay, I will. And thanks again for covering." Yutaka said as they reached the lunchroom.
"Stop thanking me. You're my boy; it's my job to protect your ass." Shinji told him before he started walking toward the lunch line.
Yutaka smiled as he followed Shinji to the lunch line. If there was one person Yutaka knew he could always count on, it was Shinji Mimura. No matter what the issue was Shinji always made sure that things worked out okay for Yutaka. And for a screw up like Yutaka, that was priceless. It was just one reason why Yutaka loved his best friend.
V.
(The Program, Age 15)
Shinji killed Keita.
It was the thought that was racing through Yutaka's mind.
He killed him. He killed him. He killed him.
Yutaka had just cleaned out Keita's day pack. It was clean. There were no other weapons. There was nothing. He'd made sure to tell Shinji that. But Shinji didn't look surprised or concerned by that.
And it was at that moment that all of Yutaka's held back suspicion came to surface. He'd been holding it back since he'd met up with Shinji.
Shinji was smart, strong, fast. He was exactly the kind of person who could make it out alive in the program. He was the kind of person who could be dangerous. He had all the skills and plenty of charm that made others want to trust him.
People like Yutaka.
Yutaka felt his body tremble.
"Oh no, Shinji, don't tell me you-" Yutaka couldn't even finish the thought. It was too horrible.
"What?" Shinji asked. He sounded so clueless.
But who could say it wasn't an act?
"Shinji, you didn't do that on purpose…?" Yutaka asked, his lips trembling as he backed away from Shinji. The more he verbalized his fears that more real they seemed to become.
What if Shinji was playing? What if it was all an act? What if Shinji had been planning to kill him since he found him?
Shinji's face seemed to tighten in anger.
"You're saying I shot Keita to buy us time? That's-"
Yutaka shook his head; fear was starting to overtake him. He distanced himself further from Shinji.
"No, no. This whole plan—"
Yutaka was too scared to notice the confusion that still marred Shinji's face.
"This whole thing about our escape, that was just, that was-" Yutaka couldn't finish. He wasn't sure if it was the fear holding him back or if the idea was just too terrible to say out loud, but he couldn't finish.
All of a sudden Shinji's mouth was hanging open in surprise. He looked shocked. He looked hurt.
Yutaka still felt scared.
"Don't be stupid! Why the hell would I be with you then?" Shinji yelled. His voice was angry, but it was laced with hurt.
"Tha-that's…" Yutaka was still shaking as he shook his head.
It didn't matter what Shinji's said. Yutaka was too afraid to think rationally. All he knew was that Shinji could kill him. That it would be easy. And why not? Yutaka was nothing. He was just some insignificant player in this game. Why not use him and kill him afterward?
All of a sudden Shinji was uncocking the Beretta and throwing it to him. Yutaka hesitated, but he managed to catch it.
Shinji's hands flew down to his knees.
"If you don't trust me then shoot me, Yutaka. I don't care, just shoot me." Shinji said before he crouched down and added, "I shot Keita to protect you, Yutaka. Damn."
That was all it took for every suspicion Yutaka had to die.
How long had he known Shinji? How many times had Shinji looked out for him when he didn't have to? How many times had Shinji proved his loyalty? All Shinji had ever done was protect him. He'd protected him from the sting of heartbreak, from other people, from his own stupidity.
And what had he asked in return ever? Not a damn thing except Yutaka's trust. And where was that?
It wasn't with Shinji who had his hands on his knees and tears in his eyes.
Seeing Shinji's tears took Yutaka out of his thoughts.
"Oh. Oh…" Yutaka ran to him.
When he reached him he put his hand on his shoulder before he began to sob.
How could he ever suspect Shinji? How could he be so stupid? To suspect the one person who was always there for him, who gave him everything? How could he do that to his best friend? How could he do that to someone he loved?
He looked at Shinji.
His eyes were slammed shut, and his body was racking with the force of his tears.
And it was then, while seeing Shinji at his lowest, that Yutaka realized he didn't just love him, but he was in love with him.
It wasn't the love he felt for Izumi Kanai, which ran off of admiration from a distance and strong attraction.
With Shinji it was deep. A love formed because of action.
Shinji had always been there. Shinji had chosen him for reasons he didn't understand. Shinji gave and gave without running out. Shinji had risked his life to go to Yutaka when he saw him in the bush. Shinji hadn't gotten mad when his plan was ruined because he told Yutaka, or when Yutaka had lost the pulley. Shinji had protected him at all costs. Shinji had killed for him.
And all of that in exchange for Yutaka as he was. As the biggest screw-up Class B had to offer.
Yutaka cried harder at the realization.
He was in love with Shinji, and he'd done nothing but hurt him.
He knew he had to make things right. He knew he had to tell Shinji he was sorry. He had to help Shinji bomb the school.
He had to tell Shinji he loved him while he still had the chance.
Yutaka looked into Shinji's tear filled face, ready to say all of these things when he felt a sharp sting throughout his body.
It was a quick pain, gone as quickly as it had appeared, taking him with it.
The only justice in any of it being that his body managed to shield the body of the boy he loved. Had Yutaka been alive to realize it, that would have been enough.