Logistics:
I have always been annoyed how in KOTOR 2 we find out Revan unceremoniously just left Carth and that he had an idea it would happen anyway and wasn't all that shocked. I always felt that was so fake. I really don't think anyone in a loving relationship would have just sat aside and pretended things were okay when they suspected something else. In my opinion, he would have stopped and fought for her to stay or at least done SOMETHING other than whine to T-3. AND how did Carth know why she was gone and hinted at dialogues with her that shouldn't have happened had she just up and left. It makes no sense! I love both characters too much to just let that be their story. As my gift to them, I gave them a fluffy story and a week to say good-bye.
This story is told through a series of flash-backs and fast-forwards and may take a bit of reading to fully understand.
Also, I do not like the Jedi at all in the KOTOR era. Both games and the comics had these awful Jedi Councils that did horrible things. That showed in this story and I am sorry if that bothers anyone. I love the Jedi, just not KOTOR Jedi.
Just so you know, my characters' names were based on the names I used in-game. And those names were based off my 2 cats, Amelie and Hades. The main character in this story even started off as Amelie but no matter what I did, the name didn't seem to fit Revan. Thus Emelia was born.
This is my first fan-fiction in ages and the first attempt ever at a serious piece. So please be gentle with me. I also know it is kind of long. I just couldn't find a logical place to break off for a second chapter. This story has also been posted simultaneously at and .
Finally, special thanks to my beta-readers, SarkaVrae, JediFarfy and The Bigger Fish.
PS. In a perfect world, Lightside Female Revan would have been canon. :D
...
Of all the worlds in the entire galaxy she never thought she'd end up on Tatooine. But, of these planets, it was also the best for someone who just wanted to hide. She was the savior of the Republic, the prodigal knight of the Jedi Order. Just as Vandar predicted, the whole galaxy knew her name and spoke of her deeds. Except, when they did, they called her Revan and they didn't ever forget she was once also a Sith. She was condemned for a point in her life she couldn't remember, which the Republic couldn't forget, and no atoning could fix. But on Tatooine, in that small town of Mos Espa, where everyone was anonymous and hiding from something, she could be just Emelia.
After more than a year on the planet, she still hadn't gotten use to the heat of the two suns or how the sand burned the skin as it was carried in the hot winds. The never-ending bombardment of both sometimes drove her mad with the desire to leave but she knew she had nowhere to go. She was a Jedi, she'd remind herself, and sought solace in meditation and study. Her lightsaber, her Jedi weapon, laid dormant, too easy to identify her as someone of note, and was packed away with the other trinkets collected during the war. The only evidence she was a member of the Order was how she managed her thoughts. All remnants of that former life were shed when the Ebon Hawk first landed on Tatooine. All, save for one.
Emelia watched as Carth approached the sandy abode they shared. It still amazed her that he willingly flew across the galaxy, away from everything he knew, to follow her. He never complained about the isolation she insisted, on a planet she knew they both despised. Instead, he patiently tried to help create a semblance of a life together away from the battlefield. Regardless of the world they chose and the landscape around them, when she wrapped her arms around him, nothing else mattered. In his arms, she was always home.
...
Silently she wandered from the giant Rakatan temple and made her way to the beach. The sky was lit with fireworks and the sounds of the celebrations above trickled down, but she had no desire to celebrate. Instead she just looked out toward the sea to where it merged with the sky.
"This is for you, you know," a voice spoke behind her, "as guest of honor, you can't just disappear."
She did not have to look to know the voice and that the speaker was smiling at her.
When she did not respond, he continued, "you cannot think the Jedi's Revan, savior of the galaxy, could wander away unnoticed."
"I hate being called Revan," she said flatly.
"A Jedi who hates, tsk. Don't let Vandar hear." He was teasing her.
"I'm serious," she said, "The person they speak of died, but that is all they see in me. I am a reformed monster, yes, but a monster nonetheless." She faced him just as the smile disappeared from Carth's lips.
"Emelia," Carth started but she turned away. When he put his arms around her shoulders, though, she didn't stop him.
"Remember on that blasted planet Tatooine? When you asked why I didn't hate you? Do you remember what I told you?"
"Carth…"
"I told you that I wanted to hate you and hold you responsible for all those things you've done. But I couldn't. The darkness inside you wasn't who you are. I couldn't hold you accountable for that. "
Carth then faced her and lifted up her chin so she was looking in his deep brown eyes, "I saw you walk the galaxy, with nothing but a lightsaber and a heart full of mercy and love. Every cry for help was answered, every shed tear was wiped away, every whisper for mercy fulfilled, every act unrewarded. Those are not the acts of a monster."
Memories of her travels during the war quickly ran through her mind. How could she not help, she thought, when the galaxy cried out to her? But those happy memories of seeing relief and joy dissipated and were replaced with images of the Leviathan and Saul's maniacal laugher as he revealed her true identity.
"There were days after the Leviathan, when I really wished you would have killed me. I hated Revan as much as you."
He put two fingers to her lips shushing her, and softly said, "That has long passed us. Don't dwell on such things." He pointed up the path, back towards the temple as he continued, "The last time we were here, you came from up there, flanked by Jolee and Juhani, your lightsaber still drawn."
"I was there, Carth, you don't need to tell me."
"Then you must also remember that is when I knew Revan was truly dead."
It was hard to despair with such hopeful eyes staring into hers. In fact it was contagious. She managed a half-smile as she moved her gaze from those chocolaty eyes and looked back out to sea. "So what do we do now?"
"As long as we are together, we'll figure it out," he spoke, taking her hand, "now, come, before Mission starts rumors."
...
Emelia stood in the center of the council, ringed on all sides by its 12 members. This wasn't like on Dantooine, the small enclave of Padawan learning that welcomed her during the war. There, she didn't have the support of everyone, but most were kind and filled her with hope. Here, their stone-like faces showed no emotion and Emelia was awashed in a sea of confusion. Here, she was their prisoner.
"I am the prodigal knight; I am your greatest creation. I saved the Republic."
"Such pride," spoke Vandar, the very same master who days earlier spoke of her achievements and victory to the celebrating navy at the Rakatan temple. She thought he was her strongest supporter, but now, he seemed the most vocal against her. The council members murmured agreement in a wave of incoherent tones. She felt alone.
"You are correct," Vandar continued, his voice carrying no trace of emotion, "you are our greatest achievement. You found the Lightside of the Force and you never wavered in your stance to remain in its light. You sought and located the source of Revan's might and assisted the republic in its destruction. We do not deny that these achievements are great." The small form of the Jedi Master left his seat and walked slowly to the standing Jedi. She knelt so she was eye-level to the master, hoping he would recognize her humility, and glanced into his eyes. They were impassive as he continued, "However, through and through, you are still Revan and that makes you a threat to the Republic and this Order."
She rose to her feet and she spun around the room as heads nodded in agreement to Vandar's declaration. She was being sentenced.
"We cannot allow Revan to re-manifest herself and threaten this already fragile galaxy. You have to understand that."
"Master Vandar," she pleaded, "I am not Revan."
"But you are, Jedi." There was no scorn in his voice but neither was there compassion. "Your memories of her drove you to the Star Forge and even now in your dreams she continues to reside. She will wake up."
"You ask me to stay here, under lock and key, like a prisoner? I can't stay here like this!"
"You are a Jedi; that is your destiny."
"You cannot force this on me. You gave me a different life."
"We can and will, Jedi," Vandar refuted. "You refuse and we sense even the slightest tremor of Revan, we will not stop hunting, and everything you hold dear, will be destroyed."
She stared long at Vandar, with eyes wide with disbelief. "But I saved the Republic!"
"Yes, we are well aware," spoke another Master, one she hadn't met on Dantooine. He was an elderly human with hard, dark eyes that bore down on her with deep distrust. "You did, from your own doing. You never should have left the Order, never fought the Mandalorians. It was forbidden by the council. In all your pride and self-importance, did you ever consider the ramifications? Did you not think this was foretold?" His even voice echoed.
"I don't remember," she finally said, "you took those memories from me."
"You may have danced in the Lightside, Revan, but your heart will always be dark."
"You called me your hero, your Prodigal Knight! How can you say I am unable to be exonerated you as you speak to the masses of my salvation?"
"You are past atonement, Revan." His penetrative gaze never wavered from her as he spoke. "As far as the Force is considered, perhaps you are saved, but by the will of the Order, you never are to leave these premises again."
"This is madness! When in the history of the Jedi has a member been treated like this? I returned to the Lightside!"
"That is why we are giving you the opportunity to return to the Order. Had you not, your memory would again be destroyed and you would rejoined us anyway."
"Understand," Vandar spoke up, "we need to restore peace and justice. Even the smallest threat of Revan's return will spell doom for the galaxy."
"All of us could potentially doom it. Anyone who wields the Force can just as easily fall as I did. Other Jedi did in this very war!"
"You speak of Bastilla."
"Is she condemned just as I?"
Vandar narrowed his eyes. "Bastilla's fate is not your concern, young Jedi. Focus on yourself. You have much to decide."
Never once in her mind did she know the darkness that was the Sith. She could not remember a moment where the tempt of the Darkside moved her. After saving the galaxy, she hoped the evil of Revan was long dead. But how could she, one Jedi amongst masters, convince them of that?
She bowed her head. "Let me say goodbye."
"This attachment will only bring sorrow to you. Sorrow will lead you to the Darkside." Vandar, for a moment, seemed to show genuine concern for the torn woman, reaching up to touch her hand. She flicked it away from his grasp. She paused just a moment before turning from the council and exited the room, leaving the Jedi to their disapproving murmurs.
They owed her this much.
...
"What did the Jedi want?"
Carth was in the cockpit of the Ebon Hawke, having been there since Emelia left for the Jedi temple. Pazaak cards were spread in front of him. She couldn't recall ever seeing him play the game before.
"I didn't know you played."
"Oh, I don't. I tried to teach myself while I waited. It is beyond me." He rose from his seat and moved closer to her. "You didn't answer my question. What did the Jedi need with their glorious savior?"
"They want me to stay and further my training."
"For what? To be their token? To put you on a pedestal and say 'look what this Jedi did'?"
"No," she said flatly, "and, they won't allow me to ever leave."
Carth stared. "You saved the galaxy and they award you by keeping you hostage?"
"They fear Revan. Revan and what she could still do."
"You aren't Revan!" Carth exclaimed, "tell them that Revan is gone!"
"If the destruction of the Star Forge wasn't enough to convince them of that, nothing will sway their minds. As long as I live, they see me as a threat and I will be treated so."
"You cannot be serious."
"If I leave I will no longer have the protection of the council," Revan said, their edict still ringing in her ears. "They offered me two options. If I stay and devote my life to the Force, I will be granted my memories intact. If I leave and they sense the Darkside in me, they will find me and take everything from me."
"These are Jedi! The Guardians of peace and justice."
"It isn't their job to love or hate. They simply want to preserve order." Emelia lowered her head. "I can't ask you to run away. You are a commander of the Republic and your future is so bright here. The Republic needs you; they want you for great things. "
"You assume that is what I want. What I really want is you." He took her hand as he vowed, "I will follow you anywhere."
She closed her eyes as a sad smile crossed her lips. Damn the Jedi.
"Then come, run with me."
...
Her side of the bed was empty. She had another dream. Carth let out a soft groan as he rolled on his stomach. He knew she would be gone. He stopped going after her long ago. She wanted time to herself, to meditate and think, she always claimed. He hated how she never let him help her. It was always the same thing—her demons were something only she could face. It didn't have to be, he always thought in frustration. However, early on, he learned arguing was futile. She refused to tell Carth about them, but he knew what she saw terrified her. He could only assume it was the memories of Revan trickling back. At first, it only rarely happened. Whenever it did, Emelia would trek out into the unknown and seek peace in the Force. Then she would reappear and slowly, life would return back to normal. But they were growing more and more frequent, and Carth dreaded each morning, wondering if the bed would be missing her presence.
He spied out the window, rubbing his eyes to clear them. The suns were bright in the sky. How long had Emelia been out there before he woke?
Impulsively, Carth turned to T-3, their little astromech droid, who beeped a greeting and rolled on tiny wheels after his owner. "I don't know what is going on," he spoke, maybe simply to hear his voice, "but it keeps pushing her from me. It worries me. If anything happens, promise me you will watch her." Carth felt ridiculous venting his concerns to the droid, but there was no one else to turn to with his unease. A little machine with no idea of human emotion was better than no one, which was what the damned isolation sometimes felt to Carth, especially during these times where he didn't even have Emelia.
...
"Do you remember on the Leviathan, when Saul revealed my identity?"
Emelia had been quiet since her return. She didn't want to talk and instead sat cross-legged on the floor in silent meditation. She had been there for hours. Carth sat at the table in the makeshift kitchen, trying to focus on his datapad instead of the reflecting Jedi. Her voice broke the silence.
Carth looked up, the sudden, random question catching him off-guard. "Of course I do. Why do you ask this?"
Her eyes were still closed. "Maybe you should have killed me then. If the other Jedi hadn't stopped you, I think you would have."
"Emelia…"
"The woman you were falling for was a monster."
" Yes. But then I learned she was as unaware as the rest of us. And the monster was long gone. How could I not forgive you? I loved you."
"She isn't dead, Carth. Revan still lives."
"Is this because of your dream? It will fade, give it I am time. They always do."
"No," her eyes fluttered open, "not this time, this time it was a memory that I need to rectify. I don't understand it or what I have to do, but I know it is something I need to do. Carth… I have to leave."
"Leave? You just came back?"
"The planet, Carth." She gingerly stood up, brushing the sand from her legs. "I am leaving Tatooine."
"We can't just leave. We need to plan this. Where are we even going?"
"Not we." She paused. "Just me."
The realization was an instant blow. She is leaving me.
"N…No! Emelia, you can't do this! You don't have to face everything alone! Let me help you," Carth pleaded. Please, let her listen to me.
"I am going somewhere I can't take those I love."
"Where? Where are you going?"
Emelia was blank as she admitted, "I don't know. The Force will have to guide me."
Carth's thoughts raced a mile a minute. This isn't happening. "Stop speaking in riddles so I can help you!"
"You can't!" Emelia's eyes grew narrow, "I have to do this myself!"
"You don't know where you are going or even why you have to go! You are insisting you can't have help without any idea what you are facing. And you expect me to just let you go?"
"I know this is something I need to do. I need to fix it."
"Why can't you just forgive yourself? This never ending quest for redemption is destroying you!"
"Revan's memories keep returning to me. And every day I see more of what I did to the galaxy. I need to try and repair what I've done."
"If you won't let me help you, seek out the Council. Find someone who can stop this!"
"The Jedi? Are you mad?" Emelia exclaimed, "They can't know! All they will do is take my mind! I would lose everything!" Her shoulders started to tremble. "I will not let them have it."
"There must be something we can do," Carth said, without conviction. Part of him knew there wasn't. The other was desperate to somehow convince her to stay.
"Let me go and do this. I cannot be free from Revan until I do." Emelia took his hand. "I am still a Jedi. I need to protect peace and justice. Even from myself."
"I vowed to follow you, to the very ends of the galaxy…"
"The Republic needs you. Go and keep it strong."
...
Everything they didn't need had been sold. It amazed Carth how many things they picked up along their travels during the war. They had been left in the Ebon Hawk for so long he hadn't really thought about them until now. At least knowing they were already forgotten made them easier to part with. Sometimes though, he felt a twinge of sadness as he bartered. It didn't have to be a particularly important or sentimental item. Even the smallest, most useless things could snag at his heart. It was still something found when he was with Emelia.
There was actually one more thing he should have sold. It was completely useless now and he knew it would get him a decent amount of credits. However, he couldn't part with it. He reached into his jacket's inner-pocket and pulled out the tiny wood box. It had been there for months now. Inside wasn't much of ring; just a plain golden band, the best one he could find in Mos Espa. He always meant to give it to Emelia. He assumed they would have all the time in the world and could wait for just the right moment. But even as he thought that, he knew that excuse had no value. Carth knew the perfect time. It was a couple weeks before. Giddy as silly children, they had raced to the outskirts in the middle of the night. They knew being out in the wastelands in the dark was foolish, but that didn't stop them. The impulsiveness just made it more thrilling. With the vast galaxy uninhibited from their view, they nestled in the sand, sometimes whispering, sometimes just holding each other in silence. They didn't leave until the twin suns poked from the horizon. Something so simple and they were content and happy then. Why hadn't he asked then? Maybe then she wouldn't leave. Maybe she would have believed him as he begged her to trust him. Maybe he could have convinced her that it wasn't necessary to atone the past any longer. Maybe… Now it was too late. He couldn't ask her to marry him. He had already set her free.
With empty crates in hand, Carth meandered to the door of their house, still in deep, regretful thought. He peaked through the window as he moved to open the door. He stopped when he saw Emelia. She was in her beige homespun clothing of a Tatooine peasant, but still managed to look completely Jedi-like. The long black hair she allowed to grow out was in a tight bun and her face focused. She had pushed the little furniture they had to the sides of the room and stood in the center. In her hand was the ignited lightsaber she made when on Dantooine.
Seeing Emelia with the Jedi weapon was a shock. Since coming to Tatooine it had been easy to forget she was a Jedi and the powers she welded as a member of the Order. She quickly and eagerly adapted to a simple life and that made her Jedi past even easier to forget. Even after she spoke of leaving, he hadn't completely associated it with being a Jedi. But, he could not deny she was a one any longer. Just as Carth, despite his resignation, was a soldier for the Republic. Her robes and his armor were long forgotten, but that was what they were, through and through. No matter how badly they wanted a common life, it was impossible to achieve. They never could be commoners. They could not escape their destinies. Carth saw that now.
Maybe Emelia was right. He did hate this planet. He hated working for pittance just to survive. He hated the isolation from the rest of the galaxy. The only thing that gave him solace was Emelia and he knew that when she left there would be nothing. Maybe the Republic still needed him. Dodonna begged and begged him to reconsider when he resigned from his command. He wondered if she would take him back. At least then he could protect the Republic. That was all Emelia had asked of him.
He watched as Emelia spun, taking swipes at imaginary Sith with her lightsaber, her reflexes still quick. Though an unwelcomed reminder of her responsibilities and power, Carth found it also surprising comforting to see she still was skillful with the weapon despite all this time. He also forgot she had so much power in her. If she insisted going on this insane mission alone, he could at least worry less knowing she was still adept and capable of watching out for herself.
...
"Come," Carth said, trying to take Emelia's hand.
"What? No. I have too much to do."
"It is your last evening on Tatooine. At least watch the suns set with me."
Emelia looked up from her pack, flustered, and saw Carth's smile. It made her pause. She hadn't seen it all week. It made her heart flip in her chest. After all the heartache she put him through, the least she could do was this one thing that made him happy. Without further question she then let Carth pull her from the floor, leaving the packing unfinished. There would be time later.
Together they wandered along the path, away from Mos Espa and into the endless dunes. There were no giggles this time, or races to the top. Instead they slowly walked hand-in-hand, knowing this would be their last night together. Emelia and Carth nestled into their worn, woolen blanket. Silence fell over them and Emelia looked away from Carth and tried to focus on the sky. The suns were just starting to fall, a yellow streak growing across the sky. For all the burdens she experienced here, she could not deny Tatooine had amazing sunsets.
"I want you to take T3. I know you planned on HK coming with you, but I want you to take them both."
Emelia turned towards Carth. They had earlier agreed to each take one of their droids. "We agreed you would take him."
"I know. But I think he would be of more use to you."
"You already insisted on me taking the Ebon Hawk. I can't take everything with me."
"I won't need it. Dodonna herself promised the Republic would provide me with whatever I need in Coruscant," Carth replied. "You do not have that luxury. And you can always sell it all if you need the credits."
Emelia remained silent, keeping her eyes on the sky. She didn't deserve his kindness. Why did he keep giving it to her? She felt his fingers gently run through her hair. The sudden intimacy of his touch made her want to push away. Instead she faced him. "Why are you being so kind to me? I destroyed our lives."
Carth reached up and brushed loose stands of black hair behind her ear. "Because I love you."
A thought that had been festering in her mind couldn't be avoided now and Emelia slowly spoke. "I want you to forget me. Be happy and create a better, new life."
Carth took her hand and when she tried to pull away, held fast. "Am I so easy to forget?"
"Of course not."
"Then do not ask the same of me."
He put his arms around her shoulders and gave a gently squeeze. "I know you will come back to me. I told you I would wait forever."
A small sound, much like a raspy laugh escaped her lips, but it then caught in her throat and resonated more as a sob. I will not cry, she willed herself, I am stronger than that. She then turned and kissed him, at first softly, then harder, pushing him into the blanket-covered sand. She felt his hands run down her sides, in slow massaging movements. With shaky hands she started to unfasten the buttons on his shirt. Suddenly, she tasted salt on her lips. Those Force-forsaken tears had fallen after all.
...
"Carth, it is a pleasure to see you again."
"Admiral Dodonna," Carth said with a brief nod, "I hadn't expected the pleasure of your presence."
The Admiral of the Republic navy, with short brown hair and eyes set with fatigue, stood erect. That day she wore full military dress. Behind her was a small group of young, eager looking recruits and at her shoulder was a robed woman, an emissary from the Jedi Council. It struck Carth as unnecessarily formal for his return.
"It is not often a war hero returns home after running away." She grinned as she spoke. "And your return is most welcome." She motioned away from the landing platform and Carth walked in step with her, "things have changed since you left; you will need briefing."
Carth looked forward to throwing himself into work. The chance to not have to think was very welcomed. "I am interested to see what has happened since the war."
The Jedi eased to his other side and interrupted them. "My apologies, Admiral Dodonna, but Captain Onasi, before you go, I must inquire after the Jedi Revan. It was assumed by the council she would arrive with you."
He stopped in his tracks, the request and the premature reinstatement of his former rank both catching him off-guard. He turned towards the young knight, and said coldly, "Emelia is gone."
"Gone? The Council will need to know where."
He had little patience for Jedi demands. "Tell your masters I do not know where she went or what she expected to find, and even if I did, I wouldn't help you find her."
"Carth…" Dodonna began, confused at his disrespectful tone to the knight.
Carth sighed, "Forgive me, Jedi. But I will not help you find her just so you can destroy her."
...
"Simply tell her Carth Onasi is waiting for her."
Hayde left the Admiral staring out the window into infinite space. She had no time to play errand girl but uncharacteristically promised nonetheless to deliver the message. She couldn't understand how the man could wait for a woman who so abruptly left him years before. His love made him weak and vulnerable, and it appalled her that such a powerful man could be so affected by these emotions. The way his voice became affectionate talking of her and how it turned to longing, almost desperation, was pathetic. And how could Revan, the greatest leader she ever served under, a powerful Jedi, turn so spineless in the end. The Revan she knew, would never run and hide or make sacrifices to her character for love. Love does nothing but make the great weak, she observed. But for all her distaste she also envied them.
Atton was waiting for her and damn her traitorous heart, it leapt at the sight of him. For all his secrets and those clever remarks he used to hide his real thoughts, she did feel something for the scoundrel. Whatever it was though, it couldn't be love. She was a Jedi, it was forbidden. Besides, she wouldn't have waited for Atton had he left into the unknown. Right?
...
Carth cringed when he called her Revan, but the Jedi wouldn't have known her by any other name, having served with her in the Mandalorian Wars. His heart broke when an Atton Rand hailed them from the Ebon Hawke, seeking a place to land, instead of Emelia. They brought no message from her or about her whereabouts. He hoped the Jedi Hayde had something to report, some news to ease his mind but she had nothing to calm his anxious heart.
For a reason Carth couldn't explain, he asked her to give Emelia a message should she find her on her journey. He knew the galaxy was vast and he had no idea where she could be, but if anyone were to find Emelia out there, it would be this Jedi. He could sense it. Maybe then it would be Emelia meeting him in this corridor and he could show her what he has help build since she left. Maybe find a place here to call home. They were empty hopes but he needed something to grasp. Otherwise, he knew the pain would devour him.
He leaned his forehead against the glass of the observation window, feeling the cold against his skin. Without averting his gaze, Carth reached into his side pocket, searching for the familiar feeling of a gold ring. He felt along its inside edge, whispering the word engraved there—Forevermore. A sad sigh escaped his lips. Thousands of stars twinkled before him. She could be on any of them. The enormity discouraged him but he had to stay hopeful. In silence, he watched as the Ebon Hawke departed from the Citadel. He didn't move, even after it disappeared into space. That was twice now his ship flew away without him.
"Admiral Onasi," a voice spoke behind, drawing his attention away from the sky. The young ensign saluted, taking Carth's focus away from the observation window.
Keep the Republic strong. He had promised her that. It was the least he could do while he waited.
...
It was cowardly she knew, but it didn't stop her from silently shutting the door behind her and stepping out into the dark of the early morning, alone. It was hours before dawn and she hoped to be long gone before Carth would wake and find her missing. She knew it was cruel as well but she also knew it was for the best. No good-byes, she thought, this way there will never be any good-byes. The brisk morning winds picked up as she numbly walked towards the docking bay. She gave one last gaze to the home she had built with Carth, allowing herself a small smile at the memories. Whoever thought Tatooine would end up so close to her heart? But no good-byes, she reminded herself, clearing her mind, and she turned and silently walked away.
After keying in the passcode, the door raised and the hangar lights blinked to life. With a bittersweet smile, she looked up at the Ebon Hawke as she walked in. She hadn't been inside the ship since landing on Tatooine. It was almost surreal to return to its hull. She slipped off her pack and slowly walked along to the cockpit. The familiarity of it hit Emelia unexpectedly. With shaky hands, she ran her fingers across the captain's seat. How Carth loved flying the ship. She knew he always thought it his during the war. It didn't feel right taking it from him now. She leaned into the chair. Yes, very wrong. Instead of getting up though, she curled up into it, seeking comfort against its fabric. With unfocused, impassive eyes, she stared out the window, up towards the ceiling of the hangar's unopened roof. She'd go soon. Just not quite yet.
The clang of clumsily quick steps on the ship's metal floor jarred her from her thoughts and with lightning-quick reflexes, she leapt from the seat, reaching for the lightsaber at her waist. As she was about to ignite the blade, she sensed a familiar presence and Carth breathlessly appeared in the archway. She relaxed her hand but stepped back and a feeling of dread crept into her stomach.
He moved quickly towards her, frantically grabbing her shoulders. "What in all the hells do you think you are doing?" His eyes were wild, but not with anger. They were slightly glazed as if he had just woken and she could sense overwhelming fear and panic. His feet were bare and wore his jacket over the clothes he slept in the night before. He shook her, as his booming voice echoed in the cockpit. "How could you leave me this way?"
"I thought it would be for the best." Her voice not much more than a whisper and her lips trembled.
"Stop saying that!" he exclaimed, "You don't know what is best for me! If you had any idea, you wouldn't be leaving at all!" His accusation stung, but she knew it was driven by fear and agony.
His eyes bored into hers with such intensity and anguish that she had to look away, the desperation in them breaking her heart. A small sob escaped her lips. "What do I say? What am I supposed to say," she managed between gasps, "as I leave the one I love?"
"Anything! Tell me anything! That you will return to me; that you will miss me; lie to me and say everything will be okay! " His voice cracked as he took his shaking hand and ran it along her cheek, "Just don't take away this chance to hear your voice, to feel your touch."
Misty tears filled her eyes that she forbade to fall and she looked to the ground. "Of course I will miss you, every day," she whispered. "Every breath."
Carth pulled her into his arms and held her close. The tears she kept willing to disappear were met with a flood of others and she stood there sobbing into the fabric of Carth's shirt. His strong arms held her fast, rocking her as he would a child. "Please, promise me you will come back."
"I will."
They stood together, clasped in each other's arms, unable to let go. In the end, Emelia was the first to pull away and she could feel the hesitation before Carth released his grasp. Through water-soaked eyelashes she gazed at him, into his reddened, sad eyes. She stood on her tiptoes and kissed his forehead.
"It is time."
Carth closed his eyes and cringed as his head dropped, surrendering. She could feel his hopelessness. Slowly, he removed his jacket and put it over Emelia's shoulders.
"I can't take this," she whispered.
"Take it," he insisted, "space is cold."
She then kissed him, burning and hard, a rush of bittersweet emotions. "I love you, Captain."
"I love you, Beautiful."
...
Darkness still swept the sky as Carth left the hangar and into Tatooine's crisp morning. He ignored the chill, instead directing all his attention to the sky above him. The Ebon Hawke slowly rose from the hangar, hovering above the platform. Carth felt a gnawing pain in his chest, knowing he had no idea when he would see Emelia again. He wanted to reach out, to grab her, and the inability to do anything was overpowering. He felt it when he watched Morgana die in his arms, when Dustil ran away on his own quest, and now, again, as he lost someone else he loved.
With a sudden flash, the ship sped up into space. Carth watched the sky as its light grew smaller and smaller, and even after it disappeared completely. A surrendered sigh escaped Carth's lips. "I am waiting for you," he managed to whisper to the stars. yeah
The cold then became apparent and he knew he should get inside. In his sad daze, he managed to walk along the path back to the place he and Emelia once called home. Memories rushed to him of all the times he took the same walk and found her, waiting for him. His heart ached knowing no one, not even a droid, would be waiting for him now. Instead, it was dark and silent, and Carth hated how unwelcoming it felt. Sitting on the now cold bed, still in the dark, Carth rested his head on his hands. He knew he was no longer home.