I'm back! Here's a poem/story that I'm pretty proud of. Please enjoy and review!
Disclaimer: This poem belongs to Vexngvixen at www.netpoets.com.
Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon or any of the characters
Imagining You
"Do you think he'll ask?" she asked anxiously. She looked at me with those sparkling ruby eyes, nervousness and hope shining brightly from them. Her whole body was trembling slightly, from the top of her head to the bottom of her toes. Her red lips were pursed together in her apprehension and her beautiful face was ashen with dread. She was a wreck. I chuckled at the sight. To think, all these symptoms would go away at a single reassuring word from me.
To think, all these symptoms WOULDN'T go away if there wasn't a single reassuring word from you, the evil, greedy side of me tempted. You could have her all to yourself if you knew the right words to say. Who said you had to give her false hopes? Matt can't make her as happy as you can and you know it... I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts. I couldn't do that, no matter how desperately I wanted to. I was her friend. Her BEST friend.
She frowned impatiently, waiting for my answer. "Well?"
"Why wouldn't he?" I told her, trying to make my voice as confident as possible. "In fact, he'd be an idiot if he didn't. Anyone would be lucky to have you for a wife."
"Really?" There was still some doubt lingering in her voice. "Are you sure? I mean, what if he only goes for the supermodel type? What if I'm not pretty enough? What if I-"
"Stop worrying!" I told her, a bit exasperated. I didn't want to spend my afternoon trying to persuade the love of my life that she belonged with another guy. It was tough enough keeping my disguise as someone who was 'just a friend'. "You two have been going out since the beginning of high school. Believe me, if Matt didn't like you, he would have dumped you sooner."
She considered my logic. "Maybe you're right." She smiled, finally convinced.
"Of course. I'm always right," I said smugly. But oh, how I wished I was wrong. How I wished I could take her in my arms and tell her that Matt could never love her as much as I did...that I had always loved her without knowing it, from the very first day we met...that I would never be complete without her...
She continued to chat contentedly and her eyes glowed with the anticipation of her future wedding day. I listened quietly to her but I never heard a word that came out of her mouth. I simply gazed at her, amazed at how blessed I felt just by being near her and
enjoying my feelings of love and warmth that were always generated by her presence.
My eyes fixated themselves on her, storing every feature of her beauty permanently in my mind. She moved her lips. I admired their changing shape. She clasped her hands together in her happiness. I blessed her fingers. She brushed a lock of hair away from her face. I loved every single strand on her head. I clenched my fists; it was all I could do to restrain myself from kissing her right then and there...
I could imagine your eyes, bright and lively
Excitement coursing through the pools of amber brown
Your hands moving animatedly
Gesturing and talking in ways your mere words could not extend
I listened patiently
Fascinated
Not with what you had to say, but in the resonant sound in which you said it
Inside, I secretly ached because I wanted to have been the one to bring
such life into you
"So what do you think I should wear?"
I snapped out of my daze. "What?" I asked stupidly.
"What kind of dress should I wear to the altar?" she repeated, grinning. "Oh, forget it. Why am I bothering to ask you anyway? Guys don't know anything about weddings. I'll just call Mimi up and ask for her opinion instead."
"You don't need her," I said, rather seriously. "You look gorgeous in everything."
She raised an eyebrow at me. "Oh really? Flattery will get you nowhere," she giggled.
"It wasn't flattery," I replied. "It was the truth. You'll always look beautiful to me, no matter what you're wearing."
She stopped laughing and stared at my face.
Determination flared up within me. I wasn't afraid. Never had been and never will be. I was fearless. I was brave. Just like when I was little. I would tell her now. She meant everything to me. I had to tell her. After all, my emotions could be bottled up for only so long. I took a deep breath. "There's something I need to tell you. I-"
She yelped suddenly, cutting me off, as someone wrapped their arm around her waist. She turned her head to see a handsome man with blonde hair and blue eyes. Her face became elated as she exclaimed in pure pleasure, "Matt!"
Matt....her boyfriend...the man she loved and wanted to marry...one of my closest friends... From his first day in high school, he had always been the ladies' man with the prettiest and most popular girls following him around like lovesick puppies. He was practically a celebrity and because he was in his own band, he was even more famous. With his spikey golden hair, piercing blue eyes, and all those other 'cool' attributes that the girls always gushed about, he could have chosen dates and girlfriends from the cream of the crop. But no, he chose her-my best friend, the girl I was crazy about. I could still hear her vibrant voice ringing in my ears after their first date: "He's the sweetest guy I've ever met. I know I'm not usually the type who gets so excited over a guy, but he's really wonderful. I hope we go out again..."
The feeling was mutual. Matt felt exactly the same way about her. He told me that she was special, as if I didn't already know. His exact words, if I remember correctly, were: "She's so different from other girls. She doesn't care about stupid things, like clothes and makeup. I think I'll call her tonight..."
The sophisticated, emotionless rebel I knew suddenly became this whole different person. He sent flowers and chocolates to her house. He dedicated songs to her on the radio or during his band concerts. He even serenaded her at midnight with a harmonica. By the end of our freshman year, I could tell sadly that they weren't going to break up anytime soon. What a understatement. It's been fourteen years now and they're still together. I know it's stupid but I just can't stop myself from loving her...
"Are you ready for dinner?" Matt asked. He nuzzled her neck. "I was hoping we could eat first and then go down to my place and..." He stopped there and whispered the rest in her ear, causing her to blush.
"Wait for me in your car and I'll be there in a few minutes." She pecked him on the cheek affectionately. "I have to finish my conversation," she said.
"Ok, but don't be long." Matt walked to the doorway and when he got there, he whirled around and stared straight at me. For a moment, I became tense and panicky. It seemed as if his sharp, sapphire eyes knew exactly how I felt toward his girlfriend. I was certain the guilty expression on my face would give me away. I started to sweat.
But Matt just smiled. "See ya later."
I nodded my good bye to him, feeling immense relief once he was out the door and gone. He wouldn't stop me from telling her. I took her hands into my own and my breath caught in my throat as I realized how soft her skin was. "Like I said before, there's something I need to tell you. I-"
I stopped, noticing the adoring expression on her face as she stared over my shoulder. I followed her gaze, puzzled. My heart sank so deeply it reminded me of the Titanic. Who else could she be looking at but Matt? The guy was leaning against the side of his car, clearly visible from the window, and staring right back at her. My friends call me a blind scatterbrain sometimes, but even I could see the electricity and passion that was flowing between them at this moment.
She turned her attention back to me, her voice apologetic. "I'm sorry. I guess I was a bit..er..."
"Distracted?" I supplied in a quiet voice.
"Yeah, that's it." She blushed and suddenly became aware that her hands were in mine. She glanced at my face, no doubt seeing my woeful, forlorn eyes. "What's wrong?" she asked worriedly. "Are you ok?"
"I'm fine," I replied. But that was as close to the truth as Pluto was to the sun. I was crushed.
"What was it that you wanted to tell me?" Her eyes flickered over to Matt quickly before settling back onto my face.
"I...I..." Where was all the courage I had a minute ago? The determination? The need to confess? It had vanished and all I had left was my conscience and the numerous accusations it made. Who are you to ruin her relationship to Matt? To ruin her friendship to you? The way her face brightened when she saw Matt, the way her voice unconsciously filled with joy, replayed itself in my mind over and over.....did I really want to deprive her of that?
... I thought of telling you then, but I didn't have the strength to
No...never...of course not. "Congratulations on the day you become Mrs. Ishida!" I blurted out. I pulled her close and brushed my lips across her cheek, savoring the moment and wishing it could be longer.
She turned pink and hugged me back. When I had released her, she asked me tentatively, "That's all?"
"What else did you think I was gonna say?" I faked an ignorant look.
"Well, I thought you were....oh nevermind." She threw her arms around me again and my mind fell dizzy with bliss. "Mrs. Ishida," she repeated delightedly as she let me go. She laughed. "Taichi, you're so silly!" But as she went out the door, I could hear her muttering, "Mrs. Ishida...I like the sound of that..." She waved to me one last time before running into his arms.
I watched enviously from the window as Matt picked her up and spun her around. They kissed. I turned away. When I looked back, they were gone.
I could imagine your eyes, hooded and downcast
Anger fusing to cause electricity in your stormy skies
Your hands clenched in fists of rage
Tight and rigid on your lap
I listened cautiously
Furious
Not at you and the way your reacted, but with the way he made your voice
tremble
Inside my fury burned because I wanted to have been the one to make you
feel such intensity.
It was one in the morning when the sound of ringing woke me up. I cursed drowsily at the telephone before I picked it up. "Hello?" I asked, grouchy.
"Tai?" Her voice sounded muffled as if she had been crying.
"Sora? What's wrong?" I demanded, instantly alert.
"I...he...can I come over? I need someone to talk to."
"No problem," I said. She hung up. I felt excitement creeping into my nerves. I dressed quickly, throwing on a pair of jeans and a plain white t-shirt. She didn't live too far away. She would be here in a couple of minutes. I waited nervously until finally, there came a knock at the door. I rushed over and opened it quickly.
She threw herself into my arms, sobbing wildly. Frankly, I was bewildered at first. I had never seen her like this. Usually, she was so well composed. I took off her jacket and then led her over to the couch.
"It's Matt," she told me, once she was calm enough to talk. "We were talking over dinner and I-" She paused, obviously to choked up to continue. She took a deep breath. "I asked him what he thought about us getting married and he just...well...he just..." Her shoulders shook furiously in both anger and sorrow. "LAUGHED!"
"He what?" I couldn't believe it. This heavenly goddess practically throws herself at his feet and he thinks its a joke? The thought of strangling Matt never seemed so tempting.
"That's right. He LAUGHED!" She trembled and the tears slid freely down her cheeks. I reached up and wiped them away. "I waited for him to stop but he didn't. He just kept laughing and laughing as if being married to me was the funniest thing in the world." At this point, she fell silent, drowning herself in her despair. She clung to me and I wrapped my arms around her.
I felt her pain as if it were my own. I knew how badly she had looked forward to the day that Matt would propose to her. It was one of her most biggest dreams to be one day called his wife. One of the things she lived for. I struggled violently with the desire to make it finally disappear...I mean, wasn't being 'Mrs. Kamiya' better anyway?
"Am I really that bad that the thought of being my husband makes men laugh?" she asked miserably.
"No," I replied instantly. "I wou-most guys would faint from being so lucky. Don't ever say that." The honey sweet scent of her short, amber colored hair reached my nose, making it tingle with pleasure. I inhaled deeply and cradled the angel in my arms gently.
"Do you think Matt really loves me?" she asked in a dull voice, laying her head on my shoulder. She closed her eyes in pain. "I used to believe he did. That he knew everything about me..."
I nearly screamed with frustration. I loved her. I knew her. So why didn't I tell her? I sighed wistfully. She was so hurt that she would turn easily to me for comfort, for love... I glanced at her pitiful, hurt face. I could and I should...
... I thought of telling you then, but I didn't have the will to
...but I wouldn't. My feelings were so strong for her that they reproached me with intense force. I felt overwhelmed with guilt. The thought of taking advantage of her should not have even crossed my mind.
She sniffled but no more tears would come out. They had all been shed. Her eyes begged once more for guidance from her best friend. "What should I do now?"
Ideas flitted through my head like hummingbirds. Forget about him...ignore him when he comes to you... My favorite suggestion was to cast him out of your life forever and let me love you instead. But the one that popped out of my mouth was, "Go to him."
"Huh?" She stared at me. The answer had surprised her almost as much as it did me.
"Matt needs you. He just made a mistake, that's all. I'm sure he'll be more than happy to make up for it," I told her, regretting each word as it came out of my mouth. "Go to him and let him show you how much you mean to him."
"You know what? That's really good advice. I'll go right now." Her voice filled with confidence. She stood up bravely. I missed her warmth. "I love him too much to just let him go."
Ouch. Talk about a dagger to the heart. I tried to put on a cheerful face even though I was grimacing in pain on the inside. "That's my girl. Go get him."
For the second time today, she prepared to leave my apartment. I watched longingly as she put on her coat. She smiled softly at me. "You're such a good friend, Tai. I don't know what I would do without you. It might sound strange but sometimes, I wish Matt were more like you." She opened the door and left, eager to go and reconciliate with her lover.
I went to the window and watched her figure run to a car. It's not strange at all, Sora. Sometimes, I wish I were more like Matt or more specifically, I wish I was him.
I could imagine your eyes, coy and sly
Passion dilating your pupils
Your hands open and slick with sweat
Rubbing over your dress to dry them
I listened painfully
Jealous
Not because you felt bliss and joy, but because you felt it with him
Inside my heart broke because I wanted to have been the one to bring you
to such a fervent pitch of desire.
I waited impatiently, sitting at one of the outside tables of Machievelli's Cafe. She had said to meet her here for lunch and some good news. I recalled the phone conversation we had had in the morning. Her voice had seemed pretty cheerful. As much as I didn't want to admit it, she and Matt had probably worked out their problems the night before. I glanced down at my watch. 12:02:01, 12:02:02, 12:02:03...couldn't time go any faster?
"Tai!"
I raised my head, dazzled by the beauty that was running to me. Sure, she was only dressed in a simple outfit: a pair of white shorts and a solid color red shirt. Her long, slim legs nearly made me drool and the lively and light hearted expression on her face was breathtaking. Her eyes snapped with excitement and her cheeks were flushed. "Took you long enough," I drawled. "You're exactly three minutes and forty seconds late."
"Well, excuse me," she retorted playfully, sliding into the seat across from me. "But I never thought I'd see the day that you would be early for something other than soccer practice."
"Me neither." I grinned. "So what did you have to tell me?"
She brightened and stuck her right hand in front of me, as if for a handshake. On reflex, I took it and kissed it. "No, silly," she giggled. "Look."
My world came tumbling down as I stared dumbly at the diamond ring on her finger. My mind sunk into a state of shock. "Where'd you get it?" I asked hoarsely. I hoped lamely that the answer would be a really, really expensive Cracker Jack box.
"Matt gave it to me last night!" she squealed. She seemed ready to jump out of her chair and start dancing with joy. "We're getting married next month!"
"That's...that's really wonderful," I replied dully. I scrunched up my mouth into what I hoped was a smile. "I'm so happy for you." Can't say the same for myself though.
"You wouldn't believe what happened." She sighed dreamily. "I drove my car over to Matt's place, like you told me to. By the time I walked up to the door, I suddenly realized how late it was. I didn't feel like waking him, so I decided to talk to him tomorrow instead. I went back to my car and guess what? There he was...waiting for me."
She paused and touched her ring tenderly. "You'll never believe it but Matt had just come back from MY apartment. When he saw me, he got down on one knee and said he was sorry for everything. Then, he gave me this ring."
She grinned. "Matt told me that he had been planning on proposing for weeks. The only reason he had laughed at me was because he was trying to hide his feelings. He didn't think I was serious and that I was just kidding around." She frowned. "He even thought I would reject him. Like I would ever do that."
The whole time she had been talking, I had been filling my ears with her lovely, voice. It was simply bursting with eagerness and enthusiasm. The internal battle raged within me again, as strong as ever. I had to tell her...before she was truly out of my reach forever. I grew desperate at the thought of losing her. We opened our mouths at the same time. "Sora, I-"
"Tai, I-"
"You go first," I offered. I had been holding back for years. A few more minutes wouldn't hurt.
"Thanks." She looked at me, suddenly sober and serious. "There's a favor I need to ask you."
Anything. Anything in this entire universe. Name the moon and I'll get it for you by dinner time. "What is it?"
"Well, I was wondering if you could..." She hestitated before continuing. "Walk me down the aisle? You know my dad died when I was small and you've been like a brother to me all these years." She gazed at me hopefully, imploring me to say yes.
Her ring caught my attention. It twinkled cruelly at me as it glistened in the sunlight. I glowered at it and then I lifted my head to gaze into her eyes. Always so beautiful, so loving. They reminded me of a sunset I once saw. A rather light brown with shades of deep red. A sunset that I wished we could've enjoyed together.
In my mind, I saw highschool flashbacks of her and Matt....kissing...going to the senior prom together...teasing each other during class...holding hands... After all those years spent loving Matt, would she still have room in her heart for me? For the first time, I felt the overwhelming fear of rejection.
... I thought of telling you then, but I didn't have the courage to
"It'll be an honor," I choked out.
She smiled. "Really?" She reached over and put her hand on mine in appreciation. I trembled slightly. Her touch always did drive me crazy.
"It'll be great." I smiled weakly. "I'm just so happy for you." I never thought lying to my best friend would be so easy. Trying to convince myself that I wasn't lying was the hard part.
"I have to meet Mimi soon for the planning and everything." She stood up and grinned at me. "Expect your invitation to arrive within a few weeks." She walked and then stopped to wave at me after a few blocks. Her diamond ring glittered in the sun. It sparkled mockingly at me, as if declaring that I had lost her for good. I sank into a dull stupor, wondering if the precious treasure had ever been mine to begin with. I suppose she must belonged to me at some point....after all, I was giving her away next month.
~@@@~
I pulled at my stiff collar uncomfortably. I never knew black tuxedos could be so itchy. I resisted the urge to scratch and glanced at the people around me. My eyes landed on my sister who was staring sorrowfully at me, as if she knew how horrible I was feeling. I wasn't surprised. She always was good at discerning hidden emotions. I looked at the person standing next to her, Matt's little brother. I smiled wryly at his talent. Grinning like an idiot, blushing like crazy, and staring wistfully at Kari all at the same time. My sister paid him no mind and I wondered how a person could be so wise and yet so ignorant. Better make your move soon, T.K. Seize the moment, I advised in my head. I kicked myself mentally, bitterly scolding myself: why couldn't I have followed my own advice?
I wandered over to the punch bowl and poured myself a drink. As I sipped the fruity liquid, a couple caught my attention. Mimi and Izzy. Who would have thought high school's most popular cheerleader would end up with a computer geek? Certainly not me but I guess opposites do attract.
"How's it going, Tai?" a voice behind me asked.
I whirled around to see who had spoken. I grinned at the blue haired man before me. "So far I'm feeling impatient and hot and incredibly sweaty. But other than that, I'm fine."
"I can see what you mean. The heat is enough to make me faint. Why aren't chapels built with air conditione-" Joe was cut off as music-the wedding march-began to play.
I gulped nervously and went to the door where Sora was supposed to come in. Everyone sat down and waited expectantly. Matt stood at the alter. His knees shook and I could practically see the butterflies in his stomach. I watched him enviously, hoping he would get cold feet at the last minute. I felt someone touch my shoulder.
"You're beautiful," I whispered to her in awe. Her white dress flowed around her and a lace veil hung in front of her face, but I knew she had smiled at my comment. I offered her my arm and she took it. Slowly, we began our trip down the aisle, my heart cracked with each step.
When we reached the end of the red carpet, I turned her over to her future husband and went to get a seat. I felt empty. I had given away a part of myself that I would never get back. I watched impassively as the groom lifted up her veil. The priest began the ceremony.
"And do you, Yamato Ishida, take Sora Takenouchi to be to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, to love and to cherish, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, from this day forward till death do you part?"
"I do," Matt replied in a steady voice.
"And do you, Sora Takenouchi, take Yamato Ishida to be to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, to love and to cherish, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, from this day forward till death do you part?"
She gazed at Matt and smiled. "I do."
My heart gave a loud groan and commenced to shatter into a thousand unmendable pieces. I felt a tear slide down my cheek as they exchanged rings.
Mimi, who was sitting next to me, sniffled loudly. Nudging me on the arm, she whispered joyfully, "Isn't this wonderful?"
I could imagine your eyes, sad and pained
Unshed tears creating a wall of anguish
Your hands trembling like a child's
Shaking as they cradled your head
I listened silently
Miserable
Not because of you but because he had caused you to feel such hurt
Inside my heart was torn because I felt sorry for you and him even though
I secretly wanted to have been the one whose name you sobbed.
I stared emotionlessly at the tv screen. The phone rang for a couple of minutes before my answering machine kicked in. Probably some message telling me to come and hang out. I was getting alot of those recently. My friends said they were starting to get worried about me. Truthfully, I was getting worried about me, too. Almost a whole year had past since her wedding. My sister urged me to move on but its not easy to forget someone you've loved for so long. Especially if you still love her...
I sighed as the person began to speak. It was Kari but her voice was not in the calm, sensible tone I was used to hearing.
"Tai? Tai? Are you there? Hurry and pick up! There's been an accident! Oh God, PICK UP!"
I rushed to the phone, out of my sulking mood at once. There weren't much things that could upset Kari like that. A feeling of dread overcame me, seeping slowly into my bones. I held the receiver to my ear and asked, "Kari? What is it? What's wrong?"
"Its Sora and Matt. They've been in an accident!" She began to sob. "They're in the hospital and both of them are in critical condition!"
"I'll be there in a few minutes," I told her. I hung up and searched for my car keys in a panicked frenzy. As I drove, I prayed for the first time in my life and begged God not to take them away from me. When I got to the hospital, I raced to the nurse counter and asked for directions.
"Room 3B, room 3B, room 3B," I muttered, looking at a series of doors. When I finally found the correct room, I almost wished I hadn't. It was like a death scene from ER. Matt and Sora both laid in separate beds. Both were covered in dried blood and numerous tubes were stuck in their bodies to help them breathe. I nearly threw up.
"Tai," acknowledged Izzy. He was holding a weeping Mimi in his arms.
I nodded but my attention was fixed on Joe who was examining Sora. His mouth was set grimly and there wasn't much hope in his eyes. "How's she doing?" I was afraid of the answer.
"Not too good," replied Joe. "She's lost alot of blood."
"And Matt?" I turned my eyes to the blonde who was taking in raspy breaths.
"He's doing worse. His internal organs are failing." Joe looked at me and suddenly I knew the horrible truth of what he was saying. Matt wouldn't survive and Sora's chances of living were slim.
I looked at T.K, who was sitting silently by his brother's side. Kari stood next to him with her hand comfortingly on his shoulder. "What happened?" I asked.
T.K didn't seem to hear to me so Kari answered instead. "They were in a car accident. They were going to the grocery store when suddenly somebody crashed into them," she began, tears streaming down her cheeks. "It was a drunk driving a large truck."
"Witnesses said the car flipped over twice," T.K said suddenly. His voice was harsh and I shivered at the coldness it held. "Its a miracle that they're even alive right now." He stopped abruptly and began to tremble in fury.
I took that as the end of our conversation and walked over to her bed. Her lovely face was pale and her breathing was uneven. There was a long gash across her forehead and several bruises on her arms. I touched her hand, carefully avoiding the tube sticking out of it. "Joe? Can I talk to her?"
"You can. But chances are, she won't hear you," said Joe, scribbling furiously on a chart.
"Sora," I said softly. "Don't die. Please don't die. I can't lose you twice." I choked back a sob. Miraculously, her eyes fluttered open. I took that as a good omen and became ecstatic.
"Tai?" she asked weakly. "Where am I? Where's Matt?"
"Hush, don't speak," I told her gently.
Joe came over immediately. "Tai's right. Save your strength," he instructed.
"But where he is? Where's Matt?" she demanded. Suddenly, she remembered everything. "Oh no...." She began to cry. "Is he dead? Its all my fault..."
"He's alive," I reassured her. "He's in the bed next to you." She, of course, tried to strain her neck to see him. "Stop that!" I ordered. "You're going to hurt yourself."
She obeyed meekly. "Is he ok?" she asked worriedly.
"Don't talk!" I commanded, but I softened at the tortured look on her face. "Matt is...he's..." I couldn't break the news to her. I glanced at Joe.
"I have to be honest with you, Sora," Joe started. "It doesn't look too good. His internal organs are damaged pretty badly. Truthfully, he might not make it."
Right then, I watched a drastic change come over her. The lines of her face became etched with misery and her eyes reflected so many terrible emotions that I desperately wanted to turn away. Sorrow. Grief. Agony. Guilt. "Matt..." she whispered and in her anguish, she didn't notice when Joe injected her with some morphine.
I gazed silently at her face and wiped away the tears that were still falling even as she slept. I felt suddenly furious at why such a good person would have to endure this kind of suffering. She didn't deserve this. Matt didn't deserve this. My heart beat painfully in my chest, yearning to comfort this weeping angel. I didn't deserve this.
I stayed by her side all through the night. Her breathing was enough to keep me interested for hours. But even though my love for her was eternal, I, myself, was still human. My eyelids began to droop from lack of sleep. My journey to dreamland was almost finished when someone's voice called me back to reality.
"Sora? Sora?" It was Matt.
I blinked and rushed to his side. "It's me, Tai," I told him. "Sora's ok. She's just asleep."
Matt squinted as if he was having trouble seeing. "Tai? My chest hurts and its getting hard to breathe."
"Should I get a doctor?" I asked, panicking a bit. "Joe's still in the hospital and he'll be here in a second."
"No, they won't be able...to help me... Could you just wake...Sora?" he pleaded. His breaths were starting to get very short. "I need...to...talk...to her...befo-"
"Don't give up!" I interrupted. I could see what he was getting to now. "Come on, Matt! Hang in there!" I begged.
"I'm...sorry." Matt apologized. "Please..." He stopped, obviously in too much pain to continue.
But I was already waking her up. "Sora?" I whispered urgently. "Matt wants to talk to you."
Her eyes snapped open at her husband's name. "Matt?"
"Sora....I...just want..to say that...I love...you." I could tell that Matt was having a hard time speaking. His voice turned hoarse. "You're the best...thing in my...life and I'll...never...forget you...I'll wait...for..you...forever..."
Her eyes widened at his words and she realized what he was saying. "No, no, no...don't leave me, Matt!" she shrieked. I had to hold her down to keep her from getting up and walking over to her husband. Her tears mixed with my own and when she finally got to weak to struggle any longer, I released my grip. I walked back to Matt.
He tried to smile at me. I could tell he was on the brink of death. His eyes were becoming unfocused. "I know we...used to..argue alot...but..."
"I'm sorry," I said quietly. My cheeks felt wet. "For everything."
"Me, too," he replied. "Please tell...Takeru...that he's...the best...brother anyone..could hope for..."
"I will." I suddenly found myself unable to speak.
"One..more thing, Tai..." Matt looked at me solemnly before closing his eyes. "Tell her."
And with that, he was gone. I walked stonily back to her bed, ready to carry out Matt's last order.
... I thought of telling you then, but I didn't have the heart to
But all I could do was hold her hand as she cried herself back to sleep.
I could imagine your eyes, distant and weary
Your eyelids shutting out the world
Your hands limp like rags
Hanging lifelessly on each side of your body
I listened intently
Desperate
Not because I was drinking in your every word, but because I was straining
to hear you speak a word at all
Inside my heart was cold because I could not comfort you when you needed
me the most.
I visited her everyday after Matt died and each time I saw her, she looked worse. Joe said that her body was beginning to fail for one reason: she didn't want to live. She didn't smile. She didn't laugh. She didn't even talk. I tried everything to cheer her up. Balloons, stuffed animals, tv shows...but nothing worked. It wasn't until the day I tried to get her to smile with a puppet show that I noticed the guilt that was constantly in her eyes.
I decided to confront her about it. "Please tell me what's wrong." She ignored me. "For heavens' sakes, I'm wearing a sock on my hand and talking to it. You don't even crack a smile."
She continued to stare at the ceiling. I grew angry. "I've done my best to make you happy. But if what you want is for me to make Matt come back from the dead, I'm sorry. I can't do it."
She flinched at my words and I regretted them immediately. "I didn't mean it," I apologized. "I'm sor-"
"It was my fault," she whispered, cutting me off.
"Huh?" I stared at her pale face that was covered with tears.
Her voice trembled. "It's my fault Matt's dead. The night of the car accident...I was going to cook dinner. Matt suggested we go out to eat instead but I insisted that we stay at home. We began arguing. It was stupid and in the end, I won. I went to the fridge and there wasn't anymore food." She turned her head to look at me with sorrowful eyes. "So I told him to come with me to the grocery store." Tears coursed down her cheeks. "I did it. I killed him."
"Oh no. You didn't know," I protested. "It's not your fault."
"Yes, it is." Her eyes returned to the ceiling. "If we had gone out to eat instead or if I hadn't told him to come with me..."
I took the sock off my head and stroked her hair soothingly. Her beautiful, soft amber hair. My fingertips tingled at the silky feel. I planted butterfly kisses over her face. "Don't blame yourself." I felt a burst of courage. It was now or never.
... I told you then, but only because I couldn't find any more reasons not to
"I need to tell you something," I said. I gazed at her. Funny how she still seemed so beautiful to me after so long. "I love you. Not as just a pal, as something more."
"What?" She was surprised. She searched my face. "Tai, did you say what I though-"
"Yes, I did," I broke in. The words were tumbling out now, a stream of passion and confession. "I love you more than a friend, more than a sister. Ever since high school. I've dreamed about you for nearly a lifetime. You're what keeps me going during the days. I need you like I need air. I'd say it a hundred times if you want me to. I, Taichi Kamiya, am hopelessly and madly in love with you." I waited nervously for her reaction. The silence was deafening in my ears.
"If only you had told me this before I met Matt..." I heard her mumble. Out loud, she said gently, "I'm really sorry. But I don't feel the same way. I love you. I really do, but in a whole different way." She carefully avoided my eyes.
I could imagine your eyes wide and startled
Your eyes looking away
Your hands fidgeting restlessly
Nervously running through your hair
I listened abjectly
Depressed
Not because you didn't care, but because you cared too much to let me
dream
Inside my heart shattered because I thought my world had ended.
"You're like a brother to me," she said weakly as I turned away. "Please understand."
"It's ok," I muttered, trying to stop my voice from trembling too much. But, of course, that was a total lie. Her every word had pierced my heart. I tried to grin to show her everything was alright but the hurt must have shown through my false facade.
She sighed. "Oh, Tai. I don't mean to hu-"
"No, really. It's ok." Without another word, I walked out the door.
... I thought of dying then, but I couldn't find the words to tell you
I walked aimlessly around the hospital for hours. I didn't allow myself to cry but inside, my heart was bleeding to death. I went down to the cafeteria and got a cup of coffee. I spotted Joe and went to sit down with him. But as I got there, he stood up. His face was frantic and his beeper was beeping.
"What's wrong?" I questioned.
"It's Sora," he said, walking quickly to the elevator. I followed him. "Her heart is beginning to slow down."
My eyes widened as I became horror sticken. I dropped my cup of coffee and didn't feel a thing when it burned through my socks. The elevator door opened and we raced toward her room. Nurses were already there but they weren't doing anything. The look on their faces was ominous.
"Dr. Kido...we've tried everything. She's not responding to the treatment. There's nothing more we can do. Her heartbeat is getting fainter by the minute," a nurse said, melancholy. Joe accepted this pretty calmly. I, on the other hand, became hysterical.
"What!? So you're just going to let her die?!" I screamed violently. I turned to Joe. "Aren't you going to do anything?!"
Joe spoke quietly. "They're professionals. I can't argue with them. Besides, I've checked her vitals everyday and they showed no signs of getting better. It was just a matter of time."
I felt all the color drain out of my face. "Then she's gonna die?" I asked in despair. He didn't need to answer because I already knew what it was going to be.
"She's going fast!" a nurse called.
I walked over to her bed. Her eyes were closed and she was in obvious pain. I touched her face. Sobs were erupting from my chest and my tears flowed freely. One of them landed on her cheek.
"Tai?" She uttered my name for the last time.
"I'm right here," I assured her.
She opened her eyes and looked up at me. "I'm sorry about earlier."
I took her hand. "Don't be." The silence entered the room as I stared at her, thinking how enchanting she was even in her closeness to death.
"I'm so tired..." She sighed heavily. "What should I do now?" Her question was so innocent that I found myself crying again. Even now, she was asking me for help. My mind went back to all those times I had always been there for her. In my whole, entire life, I had never let her down....
I could imagine your eyes, sympathetic and pleading
Your brows furrowed out of concern
Your hand stretched out in front of your body
Reaching out to me
I didn't listen then
Hollow
I walked away, not because you hurt me, but because I was hurting myself
by looking at you
Inside my heart cried because all these years I spent my life imagining
you -
...I wasn't about to stop now. I stroked her hair gently and kissed her gently on the lips for the first and last time. She was still waiting for my answer. I leaned close and whispered the same advice I had given her so long ago. "Go to him."
She gazed into my eyes and mouthed 'Thank you' before closing her eyes. Suddenly, the only sound in the room was the beeping of the heart monitor as it registered zero. Joe put his hand on my shoulder comfortingly but I brushed him off. I let go of her limp hand and walked slowly to the door. I glanced back one last time. She was smiling peacefully and I guess that was all that really mattered.
And all I ever wanted was for you to imagine me, too.
Ta da! What do you think? Please review! No flames!
Disclaimer: This poem belongs to Vexngvixen at www.netpoets.com.
Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon or any of the characters
Imagining You
"Do you think he'll ask?" she asked anxiously. She looked at me with those sparkling ruby eyes, nervousness and hope shining brightly from them. Her whole body was trembling slightly, from the top of her head to the bottom of her toes. Her red lips were pursed together in her apprehension and her beautiful face was ashen with dread. She was a wreck. I chuckled at the sight. To think, all these symptoms would go away at a single reassuring word from me.
To think, all these symptoms WOULDN'T go away if there wasn't a single reassuring word from you, the evil, greedy side of me tempted. You could have her all to yourself if you knew the right words to say. Who said you had to give her false hopes? Matt can't make her as happy as you can and you know it... I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts. I couldn't do that, no matter how desperately I wanted to. I was her friend. Her BEST friend.
She frowned impatiently, waiting for my answer. "Well?"
"Why wouldn't he?" I told her, trying to make my voice as confident as possible. "In fact, he'd be an idiot if he didn't. Anyone would be lucky to have you for a wife."
"Really?" There was still some doubt lingering in her voice. "Are you sure? I mean, what if he only goes for the supermodel type? What if I'm not pretty enough? What if I-"
"Stop worrying!" I told her, a bit exasperated. I didn't want to spend my afternoon trying to persuade the love of my life that she belonged with another guy. It was tough enough keeping my disguise as someone who was 'just a friend'. "You two have been going out since the beginning of high school. Believe me, if Matt didn't like you, he would have dumped you sooner."
She considered my logic. "Maybe you're right." She smiled, finally convinced.
"Of course. I'm always right," I said smugly. But oh, how I wished I was wrong. How I wished I could take her in my arms and tell her that Matt could never love her as much as I did...that I had always loved her without knowing it, from the very first day we met...that I would never be complete without her...
She continued to chat contentedly and her eyes glowed with the anticipation of her future wedding day. I listened quietly to her but I never heard a word that came out of her mouth. I simply gazed at her, amazed at how blessed I felt just by being near her and
enjoying my feelings of love and warmth that were always generated by her presence.
My eyes fixated themselves on her, storing every feature of her beauty permanently in my mind. She moved her lips. I admired their changing shape. She clasped her hands together in her happiness. I blessed her fingers. She brushed a lock of hair away from her face. I loved every single strand on her head. I clenched my fists; it was all I could do to restrain myself from kissing her right then and there...
I could imagine your eyes, bright and lively
Excitement coursing through the pools of amber brown
Your hands moving animatedly
Gesturing and talking in ways your mere words could not extend
I listened patiently
Fascinated
Not with what you had to say, but in the resonant sound in which you said it
Inside, I secretly ached because I wanted to have been the one to bring
such life into you
"So what do you think I should wear?"
I snapped out of my daze. "What?" I asked stupidly.
"What kind of dress should I wear to the altar?" she repeated, grinning. "Oh, forget it. Why am I bothering to ask you anyway? Guys don't know anything about weddings. I'll just call Mimi up and ask for her opinion instead."
"You don't need her," I said, rather seriously. "You look gorgeous in everything."
She raised an eyebrow at me. "Oh really? Flattery will get you nowhere," she giggled.
"It wasn't flattery," I replied. "It was the truth. You'll always look beautiful to me, no matter what you're wearing."
She stopped laughing and stared at my face.
Determination flared up within me. I wasn't afraid. Never had been and never will be. I was fearless. I was brave. Just like when I was little. I would tell her now. She meant everything to me. I had to tell her. After all, my emotions could be bottled up for only so long. I took a deep breath. "There's something I need to tell you. I-"
She yelped suddenly, cutting me off, as someone wrapped their arm around her waist. She turned her head to see a handsome man with blonde hair and blue eyes. Her face became elated as she exclaimed in pure pleasure, "Matt!"
Matt....her boyfriend...the man she loved and wanted to marry...one of my closest friends... From his first day in high school, he had always been the ladies' man with the prettiest and most popular girls following him around like lovesick puppies. He was practically a celebrity and because he was in his own band, he was even more famous. With his spikey golden hair, piercing blue eyes, and all those other 'cool' attributes that the girls always gushed about, he could have chosen dates and girlfriends from the cream of the crop. But no, he chose her-my best friend, the girl I was crazy about. I could still hear her vibrant voice ringing in my ears after their first date: "He's the sweetest guy I've ever met. I know I'm not usually the type who gets so excited over a guy, but he's really wonderful. I hope we go out again..."
The feeling was mutual. Matt felt exactly the same way about her. He told me that she was special, as if I didn't already know. His exact words, if I remember correctly, were: "She's so different from other girls. She doesn't care about stupid things, like clothes and makeup. I think I'll call her tonight..."
The sophisticated, emotionless rebel I knew suddenly became this whole different person. He sent flowers and chocolates to her house. He dedicated songs to her on the radio or during his band concerts. He even serenaded her at midnight with a harmonica. By the end of our freshman year, I could tell sadly that they weren't going to break up anytime soon. What a understatement. It's been fourteen years now and they're still together. I know it's stupid but I just can't stop myself from loving her...
"Are you ready for dinner?" Matt asked. He nuzzled her neck. "I was hoping we could eat first and then go down to my place and..." He stopped there and whispered the rest in her ear, causing her to blush.
"Wait for me in your car and I'll be there in a few minutes." She pecked him on the cheek affectionately. "I have to finish my conversation," she said.
"Ok, but don't be long." Matt walked to the doorway and when he got there, he whirled around and stared straight at me. For a moment, I became tense and panicky. It seemed as if his sharp, sapphire eyes knew exactly how I felt toward his girlfriend. I was certain the guilty expression on my face would give me away. I started to sweat.
But Matt just smiled. "See ya later."
I nodded my good bye to him, feeling immense relief once he was out the door and gone. He wouldn't stop me from telling her. I took her hands into my own and my breath caught in my throat as I realized how soft her skin was. "Like I said before, there's something I need to tell you. I-"
I stopped, noticing the adoring expression on her face as she stared over my shoulder. I followed her gaze, puzzled. My heart sank so deeply it reminded me of the Titanic. Who else could she be looking at but Matt? The guy was leaning against the side of his car, clearly visible from the window, and staring right back at her. My friends call me a blind scatterbrain sometimes, but even I could see the electricity and passion that was flowing between them at this moment.
She turned her attention back to me, her voice apologetic. "I'm sorry. I guess I was a bit..er..."
"Distracted?" I supplied in a quiet voice.
"Yeah, that's it." She blushed and suddenly became aware that her hands were in mine. She glanced at my face, no doubt seeing my woeful, forlorn eyes. "What's wrong?" she asked worriedly. "Are you ok?"
"I'm fine," I replied. But that was as close to the truth as Pluto was to the sun. I was crushed.
"What was it that you wanted to tell me?" Her eyes flickered over to Matt quickly before settling back onto my face.
"I...I..." Where was all the courage I had a minute ago? The determination? The need to confess? It had vanished and all I had left was my conscience and the numerous accusations it made. Who are you to ruin her relationship to Matt? To ruin her friendship to you? The way her face brightened when she saw Matt, the way her voice unconsciously filled with joy, replayed itself in my mind over and over.....did I really want to deprive her of that?
... I thought of telling you then, but I didn't have the strength to
No...never...of course not. "Congratulations on the day you become Mrs. Ishida!" I blurted out. I pulled her close and brushed my lips across her cheek, savoring the moment and wishing it could be longer.
She turned pink and hugged me back. When I had released her, she asked me tentatively, "That's all?"
"What else did you think I was gonna say?" I faked an ignorant look.
"Well, I thought you were....oh nevermind." She threw her arms around me again and my mind fell dizzy with bliss. "Mrs. Ishida," she repeated delightedly as she let me go. She laughed. "Taichi, you're so silly!" But as she went out the door, I could hear her muttering, "Mrs. Ishida...I like the sound of that..." She waved to me one last time before running into his arms.
I watched enviously from the window as Matt picked her up and spun her around. They kissed. I turned away. When I looked back, they were gone.
I could imagine your eyes, hooded and downcast
Anger fusing to cause electricity in your stormy skies
Your hands clenched in fists of rage
Tight and rigid on your lap
I listened cautiously
Furious
Not at you and the way your reacted, but with the way he made your voice
tremble
Inside my fury burned because I wanted to have been the one to make you
feel such intensity.
It was one in the morning when the sound of ringing woke me up. I cursed drowsily at the telephone before I picked it up. "Hello?" I asked, grouchy.
"Tai?" Her voice sounded muffled as if she had been crying.
"Sora? What's wrong?" I demanded, instantly alert.
"I...he...can I come over? I need someone to talk to."
"No problem," I said. She hung up. I felt excitement creeping into my nerves. I dressed quickly, throwing on a pair of jeans and a plain white t-shirt. She didn't live too far away. She would be here in a couple of minutes. I waited nervously until finally, there came a knock at the door. I rushed over and opened it quickly.
She threw herself into my arms, sobbing wildly. Frankly, I was bewildered at first. I had never seen her like this. Usually, she was so well composed. I took off her jacket and then led her over to the couch.
"It's Matt," she told me, once she was calm enough to talk. "We were talking over dinner and I-" She paused, obviously to choked up to continue. She took a deep breath. "I asked him what he thought about us getting married and he just...well...he just..." Her shoulders shook furiously in both anger and sorrow. "LAUGHED!"
"He what?" I couldn't believe it. This heavenly goddess practically throws herself at his feet and he thinks its a joke? The thought of strangling Matt never seemed so tempting.
"That's right. He LAUGHED!" She trembled and the tears slid freely down her cheeks. I reached up and wiped them away. "I waited for him to stop but he didn't. He just kept laughing and laughing as if being married to me was the funniest thing in the world." At this point, she fell silent, drowning herself in her despair. She clung to me and I wrapped my arms around her.
I felt her pain as if it were my own. I knew how badly she had looked forward to the day that Matt would propose to her. It was one of her most biggest dreams to be one day called his wife. One of the things she lived for. I struggled violently with the desire to make it finally disappear...I mean, wasn't being 'Mrs. Kamiya' better anyway?
"Am I really that bad that the thought of being my husband makes men laugh?" she asked miserably.
"No," I replied instantly. "I wou-most guys would faint from being so lucky. Don't ever say that." The honey sweet scent of her short, amber colored hair reached my nose, making it tingle with pleasure. I inhaled deeply and cradled the angel in my arms gently.
"Do you think Matt really loves me?" she asked in a dull voice, laying her head on my shoulder. She closed her eyes in pain. "I used to believe he did. That he knew everything about me..."
I nearly screamed with frustration. I loved her. I knew her. So why didn't I tell her? I sighed wistfully. She was so hurt that she would turn easily to me for comfort, for love... I glanced at her pitiful, hurt face. I could and I should...
... I thought of telling you then, but I didn't have the will to
...but I wouldn't. My feelings were so strong for her that they reproached me with intense force. I felt overwhelmed with guilt. The thought of taking advantage of her should not have even crossed my mind.
She sniffled but no more tears would come out. They had all been shed. Her eyes begged once more for guidance from her best friend. "What should I do now?"
Ideas flitted through my head like hummingbirds. Forget about him...ignore him when he comes to you... My favorite suggestion was to cast him out of your life forever and let me love you instead. But the one that popped out of my mouth was, "Go to him."
"Huh?" She stared at me. The answer had surprised her almost as much as it did me.
"Matt needs you. He just made a mistake, that's all. I'm sure he'll be more than happy to make up for it," I told her, regretting each word as it came out of my mouth. "Go to him and let him show you how much you mean to him."
"You know what? That's really good advice. I'll go right now." Her voice filled with confidence. She stood up bravely. I missed her warmth. "I love him too much to just let him go."
Ouch. Talk about a dagger to the heart. I tried to put on a cheerful face even though I was grimacing in pain on the inside. "That's my girl. Go get him."
For the second time today, she prepared to leave my apartment. I watched longingly as she put on her coat. She smiled softly at me. "You're such a good friend, Tai. I don't know what I would do without you. It might sound strange but sometimes, I wish Matt were more like you." She opened the door and left, eager to go and reconciliate with her lover.
I went to the window and watched her figure run to a car. It's not strange at all, Sora. Sometimes, I wish I were more like Matt or more specifically, I wish I was him.
I could imagine your eyes, coy and sly
Passion dilating your pupils
Your hands open and slick with sweat
Rubbing over your dress to dry them
I listened painfully
Jealous
Not because you felt bliss and joy, but because you felt it with him
Inside my heart broke because I wanted to have been the one to bring you
to such a fervent pitch of desire.
I waited impatiently, sitting at one of the outside tables of Machievelli's Cafe. She had said to meet her here for lunch and some good news. I recalled the phone conversation we had had in the morning. Her voice had seemed pretty cheerful. As much as I didn't want to admit it, she and Matt had probably worked out their problems the night before. I glanced down at my watch. 12:02:01, 12:02:02, 12:02:03...couldn't time go any faster?
"Tai!"
I raised my head, dazzled by the beauty that was running to me. Sure, she was only dressed in a simple outfit: a pair of white shorts and a solid color red shirt. Her long, slim legs nearly made me drool and the lively and light hearted expression on her face was breathtaking. Her eyes snapped with excitement and her cheeks were flushed. "Took you long enough," I drawled. "You're exactly three minutes and forty seconds late."
"Well, excuse me," she retorted playfully, sliding into the seat across from me. "But I never thought I'd see the day that you would be early for something other than soccer practice."
"Me neither." I grinned. "So what did you have to tell me?"
She brightened and stuck her right hand in front of me, as if for a handshake. On reflex, I took it and kissed it. "No, silly," she giggled. "Look."
My world came tumbling down as I stared dumbly at the diamond ring on her finger. My mind sunk into a state of shock. "Where'd you get it?" I asked hoarsely. I hoped lamely that the answer would be a really, really expensive Cracker Jack box.
"Matt gave it to me last night!" she squealed. She seemed ready to jump out of her chair and start dancing with joy. "We're getting married next month!"
"That's...that's really wonderful," I replied dully. I scrunched up my mouth into what I hoped was a smile. "I'm so happy for you." Can't say the same for myself though.
"You wouldn't believe what happened." She sighed dreamily. "I drove my car over to Matt's place, like you told me to. By the time I walked up to the door, I suddenly realized how late it was. I didn't feel like waking him, so I decided to talk to him tomorrow instead. I went back to my car and guess what? There he was...waiting for me."
She paused and touched her ring tenderly. "You'll never believe it but Matt had just come back from MY apartment. When he saw me, he got down on one knee and said he was sorry for everything. Then, he gave me this ring."
She grinned. "Matt told me that he had been planning on proposing for weeks. The only reason he had laughed at me was because he was trying to hide his feelings. He didn't think I was serious and that I was just kidding around." She frowned. "He even thought I would reject him. Like I would ever do that."
The whole time she had been talking, I had been filling my ears with her lovely, voice. It was simply bursting with eagerness and enthusiasm. The internal battle raged within me again, as strong as ever. I had to tell her...before she was truly out of my reach forever. I grew desperate at the thought of losing her. We opened our mouths at the same time. "Sora, I-"
"Tai, I-"
"You go first," I offered. I had been holding back for years. A few more minutes wouldn't hurt.
"Thanks." She looked at me, suddenly sober and serious. "There's a favor I need to ask you."
Anything. Anything in this entire universe. Name the moon and I'll get it for you by dinner time. "What is it?"
"Well, I was wondering if you could..." She hestitated before continuing. "Walk me down the aisle? You know my dad died when I was small and you've been like a brother to me all these years." She gazed at me hopefully, imploring me to say yes.
Her ring caught my attention. It twinkled cruelly at me as it glistened in the sunlight. I glowered at it and then I lifted my head to gaze into her eyes. Always so beautiful, so loving. They reminded me of a sunset I once saw. A rather light brown with shades of deep red. A sunset that I wished we could've enjoyed together.
In my mind, I saw highschool flashbacks of her and Matt....kissing...going to the senior prom together...teasing each other during class...holding hands... After all those years spent loving Matt, would she still have room in her heart for me? For the first time, I felt the overwhelming fear of rejection.
... I thought of telling you then, but I didn't have the courage to
"It'll be an honor," I choked out.
She smiled. "Really?" She reached over and put her hand on mine in appreciation. I trembled slightly. Her touch always did drive me crazy.
"It'll be great." I smiled weakly. "I'm just so happy for you." I never thought lying to my best friend would be so easy. Trying to convince myself that I wasn't lying was the hard part.
"I have to meet Mimi soon for the planning and everything." She stood up and grinned at me. "Expect your invitation to arrive within a few weeks." She walked and then stopped to wave at me after a few blocks. Her diamond ring glittered in the sun. It sparkled mockingly at me, as if declaring that I had lost her for good. I sank into a dull stupor, wondering if the precious treasure had ever been mine to begin with. I suppose she must belonged to me at some point....after all, I was giving her away next month.
~@@@~
I pulled at my stiff collar uncomfortably. I never knew black tuxedos could be so itchy. I resisted the urge to scratch and glanced at the people around me. My eyes landed on my sister who was staring sorrowfully at me, as if she knew how horrible I was feeling. I wasn't surprised. She always was good at discerning hidden emotions. I looked at the person standing next to her, Matt's little brother. I smiled wryly at his talent. Grinning like an idiot, blushing like crazy, and staring wistfully at Kari all at the same time. My sister paid him no mind and I wondered how a person could be so wise and yet so ignorant. Better make your move soon, T.K. Seize the moment, I advised in my head. I kicked myself mentally, bitterly scolding myself: why couldn't I have followed my own advice?
I wandered over to the punch bowl and poured myself a drink. As I sipped the fruity liquid, a couple caught my attention. Mimi and Izzy. Who would have thought high school's most popular cheerleader would end up with a computer geek? Certainly not me but I guess opposites do attract.
"How's it going, Tai?" a voice behind me asked.
I whirled around to see who had spoken. I grinned at the blue haired man before me. "So far I'm feeling impatient and hot and incredibly sweaty. But other than that, I'm fine."
"I can see what you mean. The heat is enough to make me faint. Why aren't chapels built with air conditione-" Joe was cut off as music-the wedding march-began to play.
I gulped nervously and went to the door where Sora was supposed to come in. Everyone sat down and waited expectantly. Matt stood at the alter. His knees shook and I could practically see the butterflies in his stomach. I watched him enviously, hoping he would get cold feet at the last minute. I felt someone touch my shoulder.
"You're beautiful," I whispered to her in awe. Her white dress flowed around her and a lace veil hung in front of her face, but I knew she had smiled at my comment. I offered her my arm and she took it. Slowly, we began our trip down the aisle, my heart cracked with each step.
When we reached the end of the red carpet, I turned her over to her future husband and went to get a seat. I felt empty. I had given away a part of myself that I would never get back. I watched impassively as the groom lifted up her veil. The priest began the ceremony.
"And do you, Yamato Ishida, take Sora Takenouchi to be to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, to love and to cherish, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, from this day forward till death do you part?"
"I do," Matt replied in a steady voice.
"And do you, Sora Takenouchi, take Yamato Ishida to be to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, to love and to cherish, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, from this day forward till death do you part?"
She gazed at Matt and smiled. "I do."
My heart gave a loud groan and commenced to shatter into a thousand unmendable pieces. I felt a tear slide down my cheek as they exchanged rings.
Mimi, who was sitting next to me, sniffled loudly. Nudging me on the arm, she whispered joyfully, "Isn't this wonderful?"
I could imagine your eyes, sad and pained
Unshed tears creating a wall of anguish
Your hands trembling like a child's
Shaking as they cradled your head
I listened silently
Miserable
Not because of you but because he had caused you to feel such hurt
Inside my heart was torn because I felt sorry for you and him even though
I secretly wanted to have been the one whose name you sobbed.
I stared emotionlessly at the tv screen. The phone rang for a couple of minutes before my answering machine kicked in. Probably some message telling me to come and hang out. I was getting alot of those recently. My friends said they were starting to get worried about me. Truthfully, I was getting worried about me, too. Almost a whole year had past since her wedding. My sister urged me to move on but its not easy to forget someone you've loved for so long. Especially if you still love her...
I sighed as the person began to speak. It was Kari but her voice was not in the calm, sensible tone I was used to hearing.
"Tai? Tai? Are you there? Hurry and pick up! There's been an accident! Oh God, PICK UP!"
I rushed to the phone, out of my sulking mood at once. There weren't much things that could upset Kari like that. A feeling of dread overcame me, seeping slowly into my bones. I held the receiver to my ear and asked, "Kari? What is it? What's wrong?"
"Its Sora and Matt. They've been in an accident!" She began to sob. "They're in the hospital and both of them are in critical condition!"
"I'll be there in a few minutes," I told her. I hung up and searched for my car keys in a panicked frenzy. As I drove, I prayed for the first time in my life and begged God not to take them away from me. When I got to the hospital, I raced to the nurse counter and asked for directions.
"Room 3B, room 3B, room 3B," I muttered, looking at a series of doors. When I finally found the correct room, I almost wished I hadn't. It was like a death scene from ER. Matt and Sora both laid in separate beds. Both were covered in dried blood and numerous tubes were stuck in their bodies to help them breathe. I nearly threw up.
"Tai," acknowledged Izzy. He was holding a weeping Mimi in his arms.
I nodded but my attention was fixed on Joe who was examining Sora. His mouth was set grimly and there wasn't much hope in his eyes. "How's she doing?" I was afraid of the answer.
"Not too good," replied Joe. "She's lost alot of blood."
"And Matt?" I turned my eyes to the blonde who was taking in raspy breaths.
"He's doing worse. His internal organs are failing." Joe looked at me and suddenly I knew the horrible truth of what he was saying. Matt wouldn't survive and Sora's chances of living were slim.
I looked at T.K, who was sitting silently by his brother's side. Kari stood next to him with her hand comfortingly on his shoulder. "What happened?" I asked.
T.K didn't seem to hear to me so Kari answered instead. "They were in a car accident. They were going to the grocery store when suddenly somebody crashed into them," she began, tears streaming down her cheeks. "It was a drunk driving a large truck."
"Witnesses said the car flipped over twice," T.K said suddenly. His voice was harsh and I shivered at the coldness it held. "Its a miracle that they're even alive right now." He stopped abruptly and began to tremble in fury.
I took that as the end of our conversation and walked over to her bed. Her lovely face was pale and her breathing was uneven. There was a long gash across her forehead and several bruises on her arms. I touched her hand, carefully avoiding the tube sticking out of it. "Joe? Can I talk to her?"
"You can. But chances are, she won't hear you," said Joe, scribbling furiously on a chart.
"Sora," I said softly. "Don't die. Please don't die. I can't lose you twice." I choked back a sob. Miraculously, her eyes fluttered open. I took that as a good omen and became ecstatic.
"Tai?" she asked weakly. "Where am I? Where's Matt?"
"Hush, don't speak," I told her gently.
Joe came over immediately. "Tai's right. Save your strength," he instructed.
"But where he is? Where's Matt?" she demanded. Suddenly, she remembered everything. "Oh no...." She began to cry. "Is he dead? Its all my fault..."
"He's alive," I reassured her. "He's in the bed next to you." She, of course, tried to strain her neck to see him. "Stop that!" I ordered. "You're going to hurt yourself."
She obeyed meekly. "Is he ok?" she asked worriedly.
"Don't talk!" I commanded, but I softened at the tortured look on her face. "Matt is...he's..." I couldn't break the news to her. I glanced at Joe.
"I have to be honest with you, Sora," Joe started. "It doesn't look too good. His internal organs are damaged pretty badly. Truthfully, he might not make it."
Right then, I watched a drastic change come over her. The lines of her face became etched with misery and her eyes reflected so many terrible emotions that I desperately wanted to turn away. Sorrow. Grief. Agony. Guilt. "Matt..." she whispered and in her anguish, she didn't notice when Joe injected her with some morphine.
I gazed silently at her face and wiped away the tears that were still falling even as she slept. I felt suddenly furious at why such a good person would have to endure this kind of suffering. She didn't deserve this. Matt didn't deserve this. My heart beat painfully in my chest, yearning to comfort this weeping angel. I didn't deserve this.
I stayed by her side all through the night. Her breathing was enough to keep me interested for hours. But even though my love for her was eternal, I, myself, was still human. My eyelids began to droop from lack of sleep. My journey to dreamland was almost finished when someone's voice called me back to reality.
"Sora? Sora?" It was Matt.
I blinked and rushed to his side. "It's me, Tai," I told him. "Sora's ok. She's just asleep."
Matt squinted as if he was having trouble seeing. "Tai? My chest hurts and its getting hard to breathe."
"Should I get a doctor?" I asked, panicking a bit. "Joe's still in the hospital and he'll be here in a second."
"No, they won't be able...to help me... Could you just wake...Sora?" he pleaded. His breaths were starting to get very short. "I need...to...talk...to her...befo-"
"Don't give up!" I interrupted. I could see what he was getting to now. "Come on, Matt! Hang in there!" I begged.
"I'm...sorry." Matt apologized. "Please..." He stopped, obviously in too much pain to continue.
But I was already waking her up. "Sora?" I whispered urgently. "Matt wants to talk to you."
Her eyes snapped open at her husband's name. "Matt?"
"Sora....I...just want..to say that...I love...you." I could tell that Matt was having a hard time speaking. His voice turned hoarse. "You're the best...thing in my...life and I'll...never...forget you...I'll wait...for..you...forever..."
Her eyes widened at his words and she realized what he was saying. "No, no, no...don't leave me, Matt!" she shrieked. I had to hold her down to keep her from getting up and walking over to her husband. Her tears mixed with my own and when she finally got to weak to struggle any longer, I released my grip. I walked back to Matt.
He tried to smile at me. I could tell he was on the brink of death. His eyes were becoming unfocused. "I know we...used to..argue alot...but..."
"I'm sorry," I said quietly. My cheeks felt wet. "For everything."
"Me, too," he replied. "Please tell...Takeru...that he's...the best...brother anyone..could hope for..."
"I will." I suddenly found myself unable to speak.
"One..more thing, Tai..." Matt looked at me solemnly before closing his eyes. "Tell her."
And with that, he was gone. I walked stonily back to her bed, ready to carry out Matt's last order.
... I thought of telling you then, but I didn't have the heart to
But all I could do was hold her hand as she cried herself back to sleep.
I could imagine your eyes, distant and weary
Your eyelids shutting out the world
Your hands limp like rags
Hanging lifelessly on each side of your body
I listened intently
Desperate
Not because I was drinking in your every word, but because I was straining
to hear you speak a word at all
Inside my heart was cold because I could not comfort you when you needed
me the most.
I visited her everyday after Matt died and each time I saw her, she looked worse. Joe said that her body was beginning to fail for one reason: she didn't want to live. She didn't smile. She didn't laugh. She didn't even talk. I tried everything to cheer her up. Balloons, stuffed animals, tv shows...but nothing worked. It wasn't until the day I tried to get her to smile with a puppet show that I noticed the guilt that was constantly in her eyes.
I decided to confront her about it. "Please tell me what's wrong." She ignored me. "For heavens' sakes, I'm wearing a sock on my hand and talking to it. You don't even crack a smile."
She continued to stare at the ceiling. I grew angry. "I've done my best to make you happy. But if what you want is for me to make Matt come back from the dead, I'm sorry. I can't do it."
She flinched at my words and I regretted them immediately. "I didn't mean it," I apologized. "I'm sor-"
"It was my fault," she whispered, cutting me off.
"Huh?" I stared at her pale face that was covered with tears.
Her voice trembled. "It's my fault Matt's dead. The night of the car accident...I was going to cook dinner. Matt suggested we go out to eat instead but I insisted that we stay at home. We began arguing. It was stupid and in the end, I won. I went to the fridge and there wasn't anymore food." She turned her head to look at me with sorrowful eyes. "So I told him to come with me to the grocery store." Tears coursed down her cheeks. "I did it. I killed him."
"Oh no. You didn't know," I protested. "It's not your fault."
"Yes, it is." Her eyes returned to the ceiling. "If we had gone out to eat instead or if I hadn't told him to come with me..."
I took the sock off my head and stroked her hair soothingly. Her beautiful, soft amber hair. My fingertips tingled at the silky feel. I planted butterfly kisses over her face. "Don't blame yourself." I felt a burst of courage. It was now or never.
... I told you then, but only because I couldn't find any more reasons not to
"I need to tell you something," I said. I gazed at her. Funny how she still seemed so beautiful to me after so long. "I love you. Not as just a pal, as something more."
"What?" She was surprised. She searched my face. "Tai, did you say what I though-"
"Yes, I did," I broke in. The words were tumbling out now, a stream of passion and confession. "I love you more than a friend, more than a sister. Ever since high school. I've dreamed about you for nearly a lifetime. You're what keeps me going during the days. I need you like I need air. I'd say it a hundred times if you want me to. I, Taichi Kamiya, am hopelessly and madly in love with you." I waited nervously for her reaction. The silence was deafening in my ears.
"If only you had told me this before I met Matt..." I heard her mumble. Out loud, she said gently, "I'm really sorry. But I don't feel the same way. I love you. I really do, but in a whole different way." She carefully avoided my eyes.
I could imagine your eyes wide and startled
Your eyes looking away
Your hands fidgeting restlessly
Nervously running through your hair
I listened abjectly
Depressed
Not because you didn't care, but because you cared too much to let me
dream
Inside my heart shattered because I thought my world had ended.
"You're like a brother to me," she said weakly as I turned away. "Please understand."
"It's ok," I muttered, trying to stop my voice from trembling too much. But, of course, that was a total lie. Her every word had pierced my heart. I tried to grin to show her everything was alright but the hurt must have shown through my false facade.
She sighed. "Oh, Tai. I don't mean to hu-"
"No, really. It's ok." Without another word, I walked out the door.
... I thought of dying then, but I couldn't find the words to tell you
I walked aimlessly around the hospital for hours. I didn't allow myself to cry but inside, my heart was bleeding to death. I went down to the cafeteria and got a cup of coffee. I spotted Joe and went to sit down with him. But as I got there, he stood up. His face was frantic and his beeper was beeping.
"What's wrong?" I questioned.
"It's Sora," he said, walking quickly to the elevator. I followed him. "Her heart is beginning to slow down."
My eyes widened as I became horror sticken. I dropped my cup of coffee and didn't feel a thing when it burned through my socks. The elevator door opened and we raced toward her room. Nurses were already there but they weren't doing anything. The look on their faces was ominous.
"Dr. Kido...we've tried everything. She's not responding to the treatment. There's nothing more we can do. Her heartbeat is getting fainter by the minute," a nurse said, melancholy. Joe accepted this pretty calmly. I, on the other hand, became hysterical.
"What!? So you're just going to let her die?!" I screamed violently. I turned to Joe. "Aren't you going to do anything?!"
Joe spoke quietly. "They're professionals. I can't argue with them. Besides, I've checked her vitals everyday and they showed no signs of getting better. It was just a matter of time."
I felt all the color drain out of my face. "Then she's gonna die?" I asked in despair. He didn't need to answer because I already knew what it was going to be.
"She's going fast!" a nurse called.
I walked over to her bed. Her eyes were closed and she was in obvious pain. I touched her face. Sobs were erupting from my chest and my tears flowed freely. One of them landed on her cheek.
"Tai?" She uttered my name for the last time.
"I'm right here," I assured her.
She opened her eyes and looked up at me. "I'm sorry about earlier."
I took her hand. "Don't be." The silence entered the room as I stared at her, thinking how enchanting she was even in her closeness to death.
"I'm so tired..." She sighed heavily. "What should I do now?" Her question was so innocent that I found myself crying again. Even now, she was asking me for help. My mind went back to all those times I had always been there for her. In my whole, entire life, I had never let her down....
I could imagine your eyes, sympathetic and pleading
Your brows furrowed out of concern
Your hand stretched out in front of your body
Reaching out to me
I didn't listen then
Hollow
I walked away, not because you hurt me, but because I was hurting myself
by looking at you
Inside my heart cried because all these years I spent my life imagining
you -
...I wasn't about to stop now. I stroked her hair gently and kissed her gently on the lips for the first and last time. She was still waiting for my answer. I leaned close and whispered the same advice I had given her so long ago. "Go to him."
She gazed into my eyes and mouthed 'Thank you' before closing her eyes. Suddenly, the only sound in the room was the beeping of the heart monitor as it registered zero. Joe put his hand on my shoulder comfortingly but I brushed him off. I let go of her limp hand and walked slowly to the door. I glanced back one last time. She was smiling peacefully and I guess that was all that really mattered.
And all I ever wanted was for you to imagine me, too.
Ta da! What do you think? Please review! No flames!