Junkyard: Out of Control
By Tigerlily and Kalliroscope
Disclaimer of the uncontrolled kind: All the cats and the junkyard belongs to ALW and RUG. Hermione belong to JKR. Lottie belongs to Nick Cave. The purple body glitter belongs to Tigerlily, since she was the one who got it in her advent calendar. Hermoine and the Divine Divinity of Fanfiction also belong to Tigerlily. Mairisoue belongs to Kali.
It was the usual peaceful day in the Junkyard. Tumblebrutus cartwheeled into Bustopher Jones' dinner, but other than that, it was fairly quiet. That is, except for Bustopher's quiet sobs, but who cares about Busty?
Suddenly the half-silence was broken
"Eeeeeeek!!!!" screeched a decidedly feminine voice from the car. Victoria jumped out
"The tube of body glitter exploded!"
The Jellicles stared at the usually white kitten. Her fur was... purple. Well, not entirely purple, there were white specks here and there, but she was covered in purple glitter and sparkled like mad in the sun.
Jennyanydots cleared her throat, and said, stammering a bit,
"Vicky... dear... what precisely... happened?"
"Sh...She made the tube of glitter explode" Victoria wailed and pointed at Hermoine, Hermione's evil twin sister who was just coming out of the car with the improbable licensing plate.
Jennyanydots rounded on Hermoine. "Did you? That's not very nice!"
"Hermione's the nice one" said Hermoine sulkily
Victoria, in a desperate effort to regain all the attention, burst into sobs. Jellylorum comforted her
absently. "There, there."
Suddenly, Hermione landed in the middle of the junkyard. She pointed at Hermoine
"I am not nice! I'm naughty!" she yelled
A few cats began singing Christmas carols for no apparent reason.
"Gonna find out who's naughty and nice!" Pouncival screeched and stepped on Hermoine's toes.
Hermoine yelled in pain and punched poor Pouncival in the nose. Pouncival ran off crying. "Hey... that WASN'T very nice!" Alonzo said in annoyance.
"Neither is this!" said Hermoine and jumped on Alonzo, kissing him passionately
Cassandra's eyes blazed, and as she was about to shout something nasty and attack Hermoine, a ghost appeared.
"Have you all gone MAD?" the ghost said with extreme dignity
"It was Miss Plum in the Scarlett with the chainsaw!" Gus exclaimed. There was a brief pause as people wondered what on earth he was talking about.
"Madness is the path" said Someone solemnly
Electra cracked up, and muttered to Etcetera, "Well, I guess we're all ON that path then!"
Etcetera ignored this and brushed her head against Tugger. The Rum Tum Tugger ignored THIS and blew a loud, painful note on the football with the candy canes, also known as his pathetic attempt to make a bagpipe.
The ghost flinched and fled. At the same time, Hermoine decided to confess her undying love for Skimbleshanks
"I... I love you, Skimby," she confessed.
Skimbleshanks looked aghast. Jennyanydots looked even worse.
And Jelly, well...she looked like Jelly. Grape Jelly, even, only with a slightly boysenberry-ish tinge. Hermoine, noticing their reactions, grabbed ahold of Skimble and dragged him away, cackling madly. Jennyanydots wailed in a corner while Hermoine dragged Skimbleshanks to her Ultra Secret Chamber.
"MWahaha!" she laughed triumphantly.
"No!" cried Fleur Delacour, who had appeared "Don't thzake my Zkimble away"
Skimbleshanks and Hermoine both paused in whatever they'd been doing (wailing and laughing, respectively) and blinked.
"Could y' speak English, plaese?" said the Railway Cat in his Scottish brogue.
"Non" said Fleur and grabbed Skimble
Skimbleshanks resigned himself to an afternoon of being dragged around by loony lovers, and got out a book: The Railway Children by E. Nesbit, of course!
Bustopher Jones was in the corned with Jenny, comforting her. It didn't do much good, as he smelt of liver, which she hated, but it's the thought that counts. Victoria, in the meantime, was attempting to regain her lost limelight.
But everyone just ignored her
"LOOK AT MEEEEE!!!!" she wailed in a dog whistle-like soprano.
Seven pollicles came running up.
"Ooooh, doggies!" said Someone.
"ACK! DOGGIES!" shouted the Jellicles as a group (except for Gus, who was playing Clue in his head with the Everlasting Cat and Marcia Brady).
"Heeeeeeeeere, ickle doggie-doggies" said Someone, who turned out to be Lottie
The Pollicles gaped in unison at the weird, cat/dog-sized human girl who was ASKING them to go to her. In unison, they turned and fled.
"Dang" said Lottie
"Phew" said the Jellicles.
Lottie decided to find a 13-year-old boy by the name of Vegard and torture him.
"It was the conservatory in the dragon with the idiot!" Gus shouted triumphantly, and he apparently was correct, because he stood up from his paint tin and started doing a shaky victory dance across the Junkyard. Victoria though it was a dance of appraisal to Victorias, not victory, and bathed in her imagined spotlight.
Then a stray Cassandra hit her on the head, and she was knocked out cold.
Hermione was still standing in the middle of the junkyard, saying: "I'm naughty, I'm naughty,
I'm naughty, I'm naughty, I'm naughty, I'm naughty, I'm naughty, I'm naughty, I'm naughty, I'm naughty, I'm naughty, I'm naughty, I'm naughty, I'm naughty, I'm naughty, I'm naughty, I'm naughty, I'm naughty, I'm naughty, I'm naughty, I'm naughty, I'm naughty, I'm naughty, I'm
naughty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
And then the stray Cassandra turned and hit HER on the head, too. It didn't do much, though, because Cassandra had already been infected with Victoria's purple body glitter.
"OOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!" Shouted a voice that seemed to be everywhere suddenly.
"Ow yourself!" Hermione yelled. "How DARE you interrupt my tirade of naughtiness!"
"I have a loose and sore tooth!" screamed the voice, ignoring Hermione.
Hermione screamed back "WELL WHO CAAAAAARRRREEEESSSS?????"""" As if on cue, quite a few characters fell down in a dead faint from the impact of her multiple punctuation points.
"I DO!"
"So??" Hermione yelled. "WE COULDN'T CARE LESS!"
"Watch what you're saying," Munkustrap said nervously, "I think that's the Author!"
"Darn right it is"
The Jellicles fell down into a combination of dead faint and terrified groveling. "Ooh, authors LOVE that!" the voice said.
"Be merciful" squeaked Nalia, the Mary Sue from another story, who had been knocked down from her high horse.
"Why?" the author asked reasonably.
"Because we're cool fanfic material?"
"But we're the authors! And we can kill you... then make it be a dream sequence and bring y'all
back to life!"
The Jellicles trembled in the might of Authorical Logic.
Jemima looked frightful "Y-y-you're TWO authors?" she stuttered.
"Darn straight!" came a second voice. The first voice laughed maniacally.
"AAAAAAAAAH! Instant Insanity Fic!" cried all the characters
"Well, DUH! Why else would Gus over there be doing a shaky victory dance after beating Marcia Brady and the Everlasting Cat at clue?! Why else would the tube of purple body glitter have exploded?!"
"Because of me!" said Agreement triumphantly as he stepped into the junkyard.
Four giant eyes appeared in the sky, two blue, two brown. All blinked.
"What's he doing here?" said one of the voices in a tone that was supposed to be a whisper, but as the authors' voices was magically magnified, came out quite loud
"I don't know! Didn't you write him in?" the other voice 'whispered' back.
Agreement waved up at the four blinking eyes.
"No, I didn't"
"Hm," said one of the voices.
"This fic could get out of our control... and then what would we do?"
"Write another one?" the other voice suggested.
"Should we call it a finished fic?"
"NO!" screamed the Jellicles, who didn't like having their memories wiped for the next lunafic. "Hiya!" screamed Gus, who was trying a karate kick out on his shadow.
"Characters are protesting, that goes in the favor of Yes..."
"Er, yes! Please do!" the characters screamed, changing their collective mind.
"But still, we want them to be happy, don't we..." argued the other voice.
"Do we?"
"Now and then. When it's not disruptive to the lunacy"
"Hmmm," said the other voice. "I thought Character Angst was the key to fun writing?"
"Well, there -has- been sufficient of that, non?"
The voice laughed madly in a way that made chills go up (and even down!) the spines of every single character there. "Not NEARLY enough..."
"If you say so. But I AM going to be nice to Misto, what with him being chased by all these Mary Sues in 50 % of all romance fanfic"
Mistoffelees looked gratified as he hit Mairisoue on the head with a tennis racket. Mairisoue fell down on her beautiful, happy, lovable, magical tail. The authors applauded
Mairisoue, however, had other plans, and she bounced back onto her feet. "I love you too," she said to Mistoffelees in her melodic beautiful sweet kind joyful gorgeous voice. The male cats all drooled over her, as they always do.
The voice that had laughed madly muttered "Mairisoue can go to --" but the last word was drowned out in the thunder clap that accompanied the lightning bolt that suddenly zapped our beautiful lovable perfect Mairisoue.
"Nice one, oh Divine Divinity of Fanfiction!" one of the authors yelled
"Why thanks!" the voice yelled back. "Always fun to zap Mairisoues!"
"I can imagine" said Misto
Mairisoue raised a beautiful happy lovable perfect paw and said in her melodic etc voice,
"My love... swear that... that you will... avenge... me..."
"No way"
"Yes way!" screamed Mairisoue angrily, yet she remained beautiful and sad and lovable and perfect.
"You don't go messin' with the Divine Divinity of Fanfiction, dig?"
Mairisoue whimpered, and suddenly, she didn't look so beautiful... in fact, her 'masses of thick black fur' and 'bright, intelligent violet eyes' looked kind of ... ugly! She died of shame.
"YAY!" screamed the characters as a whole. And the authors too, even.
"Thank you Divine Divinity of Fanfiction!"
And they all lived happily ever after.
The End
By Tigerlily and Kalliroscope
Disclaimer of the uncontrolled kind: All the cats and the junkyard belongs to ALW and RUG. Hermione belong to JKR. Lottie belongs to Nick Cave. The purple body glitter belongs to Tigerlily, since she was the one who got it in her advent calendar. Hermoine and the Divine Divinity of Fanfiction also belong to Tigerlily. Mairisoue belongs to Kali.
It was the usual peaceful day in the Junkyard. Tumblebrutus cartwheeled into Bustopher Jones' dinner, but other than that, it was fairly quiet. That is, except for Bustopher's quiet sobs, but who cares about Busty?
Suddenly the half-silence was broken
"Eeeeeeek!!!!" screeched a decidedly feminine voice from the car. Victoria jumped out
"The tube of body glitter exploded!"
The Jellicles stared at the usually white kitten. Her fur was... purple. Well, not entirely purple, there were white specks here and there, but she was covered in purple glitter and sparkled like mad in the sun.
Jennyanydots cleared her throat, and said, stammering a bit,
"Vicky... dear... what precisely... happened?"
"Sh...She made the tube of glitter explode" Victoria wailed and pointed at Hermoine, Hermione's evil twin sister who was just coming out of the car with the improbable licensing plate.
Jennyanydots rounded on Hermoine. "Did you? That's not very nice!"
"Hermione's the nice one" said Hermoine sulkily
Victoria, in a desperate effort to regain all the attention, burst into sobs. Jellylorum comforted her
absently. "There, there."
Suddenly, Hermione landed in the middle of the junkyard. She pointed at Hermoine
"I am not nice! I'm naughty!" she yelled
A few cats began singing Christmas carols for no apparent reason.
"Gonna find out who's naughty and nice!" Pouncival screeched and stepped on Hermoine's toes.
Hermoine yelled in pain and punched poor Pouncival in the nose. Pouncival ran off crying. "Hey... that WASN'T very nice!" Alonzo said in annoyance.
"Neither is this!" said Hermoine and jumped on Alonzo, kissing him passionately
Cassandra's eyes blazed, and as she was about to shout something nasty and attack Hermoine, a ghost appeared.
"Have you all gone MAD?" the ghost said with extreme dignity
"It was Miss Plum in the Scarlett with the chainsaw!" Gus exclaimed. There was a brief pause as people wondered what on earth he was talking about.
"Madness is the path" said Someone solemnly
Electra cracked up, and muttered to Etcetera, "Well, I guess we're all ON that path then!"
Etcetera ignored this and brushed her head against Tugger. The Rum Tum Tugger ignored THIS and blew a loud, painful note on the football with the candy canes, also known as his pathetic attempt to make a bagpipe.
The ghost flinched and fled. At the same time, Hermoine decided to confess her undying love for Skimbleshanks
"I... I love you, Skimby," she confessed.
Skimbleshanks looked aghast. Jennyanydots looked even worse.
And Jelly, well...she looked like Jelly. Grape Jelly, even, only with a slightly boysenberry-ish tinge. Hermoine, noticing their reactions, grabbed ahold of Skimble and dragged him away, cackling madly. Jennyanydots wailed in a corner while Hermoine dragged Skimbleshanks to her Ultra Secret Chamber.
"MWahaha!" she laughed triumphantly.
"No!" cried Fleur Delacour, who had appeared "Don't thzake my Zkimble away"
Skimbleshanks and Hermoine both paused in whatever they'd been doing (wailing and laughing, respectively) and blinked.
"Could y' speak English, plaese?" said the Railway Cat in his Scottish brogue.
"Non" said Fleur and grabbed Skimble
Skimbleshanks resigned himself to an afternoon of being dragged around by loony lovers, and got out a book: The Railway Children by E. Nesbit, of course!
Bustopher Jones was in the corned with Jenny, comforting her. It didn't do much good, as he smelt of liver, which she hated, but it's the thought that counts. Victoria, in the meantime, was attempting to regain her lost limelight.
But everyone just ignored her
"LOOK AT MEEEEE!!!!" she wailed in a dog whistle-like soprano.
Seven pollicles came running up.
"Ooooh, doggies!" said Someone.
"ACK! DOGGIES!" shouted the Jellicles as a group (except for Gus, who was playing Clue in his head with the Everlasting Cat and Marcia Brady).
"Heeeeeeeeere, ickle doggie-doggies" said Someone, who turned out to be Lottie
The Pollicles gaped in unison at the weird, cat/dog-sized human girl who was ASKING them to go to her. In unison, they turned and fled.
"Dang" said Lottie
"Phew" said the Jellicles.
Lottie decided to find a 13-year-old boy by the name of Vegard and torture him.
"It was the conservatory in the dragon with the idiot!" Gus shouted triumphantly, and he apparently was correct, because he stood up from his paint tin and started doing a shaky victory dance across the Junkyard. Victoria though it was a dance of appraisal to Victorias, not victory, and bathed in her imagined spotlight.
Then a stray Cassandra hit her on the head, and she was knocked out cold.
Hermione was still standing in the middle of the junkyard, saying: "I'm naughty, I'm naughty,
I'm naughty, I'm naughty, I'm naughty, I'm naughty, I'm naughty, I'm naughty, I'm naughty, I'm naughty, I'm naughty, I'm naughty, I'm naughty, I'm naughty, I'm naughty, I'm naughty, I'm naughty, I'm naughty, I'm naughty, I'm naughty, I'm naughty, I'm naughty, I'm naughty, I'm
naughty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
And then the stray Cassandra turned and hit HER on the head, too. It didn't do much, though, because Cassandra had already been infected with Victoria's purple body glitter.
"OOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!" Shouted a voice that seemed to be everywhere suddenly.
"Ow yourself!" Hermione yelled. "How DARE you interrupt my tirade of naughtiness!"
"I have a loose and sore tooth!" screamed the voice, ignoring Hermione.
Hermione screamed back "WELL WHO CAAAAAARRRREEEESSSS?????"""" As if on cue, quite a few characters fell down in a dead faint from the impact of her multiple punctuation points.
"I DO!"
"So??" Hermione yelled. "WE COULDN'T CARE LESS!"
"Watch what you're saying," Munkustrap said nervously, "I think that's the Author!"
"Darn right it is"
The Jellicles fell down into a combination of dead faint and terrified groveling. "Ooh, authors LOVE that!" the voice said.
"Be merciful" squeaked Nalia, the Mary Sue from another story, who had been knocked down from her high horse.
"Why?" the author asked reasonably.
"Because we're cool fanfic material?"
"But we're the authors! And we can kill you... then make it be a dream sequence and bring y'all
back to life!"
The Jellicles trembled in the might of Authorical Logic.
Jemima looked frightful "Y-y-you're TWO authors?" she stuttered.
"Darn straight!" came a second voice. The first voice laughed maniacally.
"AAAAAAAAAH! Instant Insanity Fic!" cried all the characters
"Well, DUH! Why else would Gus over there be doing a shaky victory dance after beating Marcia Brady and the Everlasting Cat at clue?! Why else would the tube of purple body glitter have exploded?!"
"Because of me!" said Agreement triumphantly as he stepped into the junkyard.
Four giant eyes appeared in the sky, two blue, two brown. All blinked.
"What's he doing here?" said one of the voices in a tone that was supposed to be a whisper, but as the authors' voices was magically magnified, came out quite loud
"I don't know! Didn't you write him in?" the other voice 'whispered' back.
Agreement waved up at the four blinking eyes.
"No, I didn't"
"Hm," said one of the voices.
"This fic could get out of our control... and then what would we do?"
"Write another one?" the other voice suggested.
"Should we call it a finished fic?"
"NO!" screamed the Jellicles, who didn't like having their memories wiped for the next lunafic. "Hiya!" screamed Gus, who was trying a karate kick out on his shadow.
"Characters are protesting, that goes in the favor of Yes..."
"Er, yes! Please do!" the characters screamed, changing their collective mind.
"But still, we want them to be happy, don't we..." argued the other voice.
"Do we?"
"Now and then. When it's not disruptive to the lunacy"
"Hmmm," said the other voice. "I thought Character Angst was the key to fun writing?"
"Well, there -has- been sufficient of that, non?"
The voice laughed madly in a way that made chills go up (and even down!) the spines of every single character there. "Not NEARLY enough..."
"If you say so. But I AM going to be nice to Misto, what with him being chased by all these Mary Sues in 50 % of all romance fanfic"
Mistoffelees looked gratified as he hit Mairisoue on the head with a tennis racket. Mairisoue fell down on her beautiful, happy, lovable, magical tail. The authors applauded
Mairisoue, however, had other plans, and she bounced back onto her feet. "I love you too," she said to Mistoffelees in her melodic beautiful sweet kind joyful gorgeous voice. The male cats all drooled over her, as they always do.
The voice that had laughed madly muttered "Mairisoue can go to --" but the last word was drowned out in the thunder clap that accompanied the lightning bolt that suddenly zapped our beautiful lovable perfect Mairisoue.
"Nice one, oh Divine Divinity of Fanfiction!" one of the authors yelled
"Why thanks!" the voice yelled back. "Always fun to zap Mairisoues!"
"I can imagine" said Misto
Mairisoue raised a beautiful happy lovable perfect paw and said in her melodic etc voice,
"My love... swear that... that you will... avenge... me..."
"No way"
"Yes way!" screamed Mairisoue angrily, yet she remained beautiful and sad and lovable and perfect.
"You don't go messin' with the Divine Divinity of Fanfiction, dig?"
Mairisoue whimpered, and suddenly, she didn't look so beautiful... in fact, her 'masses of thick black fur' and 'bright, intelligent violet eyes' looked kind of ... ugly! She died of shame.
"YAY!" screamed the characters as a whole. And the authors too, even.
"Thank you Divine Divinity of Fanfiction!"
And they all lived happily ever after.
The End