The Last Confession

It was a still morning with hardly a breeze outside. Merlin took a deep breath, hoping the feeling of sadness would soon become more bearable. Pretty soon he would be the only one left. Queen Guinevere was almost coming to the end of a long and happy reign. Magic had been restored to Camelot. Merlin was comfortable in his role as the Kingdom's Court Sorcerer. But not for the first time he wondered what would come next for him, once Guinevere was no more. He had always known this moment would arrive of course, but now it was almost here it seemed as if there was still so much to say.

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Guinevere had gone down with the winter virus. Jonah the new physician had used everything in his power to cure the ailing Queen. Merlin too, using every bit of his knowledge of herbs, but it was too no avail. Guinevere, more than anyone, knew her time was almost over.

She had made Merlin sit down and tell her everything about his time with her husband. Well almost everything. She had made him unburden his sad soul, taking him in her arms when it became too much. In her final days she had a thirst for knowledge, as she realised there was so much she didn't know about Arthur and Merlin's past.

Merlin as ever did as he was told. Telling the story like it was an everyday occurrence, nothing out of the ordinary. Guinevere would listen like a child in wonder, her eyes open and shining. She would hang onto every word the warlock spoke, thrilling in the moment.

There were some things though that Merlin had left out. Some things that were so dark, he hardly dared whisper them to himself, never mind his dear friend. They would stay up in his mind, where only he could share the shame.

Merlin decided to take the Queen's breakfast up himself that morning, knowing he had to make the most of every moment with her now. He knocked briefly on the door before entering.

"Merlin." A happy voice said.

Merlin marvelled that even though the Queen was so ill, she still sounded so happy to see him.

"I've brought you your breakfast." He smiled.

"Thank you put it down on the table will you?" she asked.

He did as she asked and opened the curtain a little bit.

"Come and sit by me Merlin please." Guinevere said a smile on her face.

Merlin sat down on a chair by the side of the bed. Guinevere looked at him, searching his face as though trying to read his mind. Merlin found it too much and closed his eyes. As he did so he could feel her fingers softly caressing his face. The simple act almost forced tears out of his eyes as he suddenly realised just how alone he would soon be.

"Oh Merlin why do I feel that so much still burdens you?" she sighed.

"Because it does." Merlin replied, simply letting the tears fall. "There are certain things I've done that I could never tell you." He sniffed.

"Why not?" Guinevere asked.

"Because they are so bad." He whispered, feeling deep shame as he said it.

"Merlin I want to know everything." Guinevere said. "I'm your friend there is nothing you cannot tell me."

Merlin looked at her, and for a moment Guinevere didn't know what to make of the stare. The more she'd learnt about the warlock, the more she realised there was a lot that she didn't understand about him. Whether it was about Merlin himself, or the things that he must have done, in his role of protector of Arthur and Camelot. But the more she came to know him since Arthur's death, the more she realised that the burden he carried with him was dragging him down, and was maybe at the root of his unhappiness. Merlin would always put on an act with people, saying he was fine, but deep down Guinevere knew better.

Guinevere by now was used to Merlin's mask that rarely came off. He had been wearing it for so long; it had become second nature to him. The Queen, knowing her days were coming to an end, worried incessantly about her old friend, and how he would manage once she was gone. He already carried such a burden with him, what would he be like on his own?

Guinevere took hold of his hand. "Why did you think I asked you about Arthur?"

Merlin looked at her, "I thought you wanted to know more about Arthur. Understand all the great things he'd done."

There was a brief pause between them. Guinevere thought for a second before replying.

"No actually, I asked because I wanted to know if I could understand you better." She said. "From the moment I met you Merlin, I knew there was something that set you apart from everyone else. I could never actually put my finger on it. It was once I became Queen and spent more time with Gaius that I started to put the puzzle together."

Merlin smiled, "Yes, Gaius said that you were the one that managed to work it all out."

Guinevere smiled radiantly at him, and for a second Merlin could see the young Guinevere all over again.

"You and Arthur had always shared a special bond, I could see that from the beginning."

"You were one of the first people to point that out to me." Merlin smiled.

"Yes, also both Arthur and myself owed a lot to you bringing us together, making sure we stayed together. In fact without you I would have given up hope for Arthur and me ever being together."
Guinevere kissed his hand. "Thank you for that."

"You two were meant for each other, I always knew that." Merlin said softly.

"So let me help you Merlin, for all the things you've done for me."

Merlin tensed, "I want your last days to be happy, not hearing about bad things that I've done."

"You say you want my happiness Merlin, please let me help you." Guinevere begged. "Tell me."

So in the end Merlin did, all about Morgana and the way he poisoned her. All about how he felt he had turned his back on her, when she had called out for help. As he told her, the guilt came crumbling back over him... all over again. The tears running down his face. Why him, hadn't he suffered enough?

As the story came pouring out, Guinevere stayed strong, never taking her eyes of Merlin, giving him encouragement to continue when he found it hard too. At the end there was a pause... Merlin looked at Guinevere, expecting there to be shock or repulsion on her face. Instead all he found was love and compassion as she held out her arms to him. He entered them and collapsed, crying like a little boy, getting all the years of suffering, guilt and hatred of himself out of his system.

Guinevere stayed with him the whole time, holding him and stroking his hair, wanting only to be there for her old friend, in his time of need.

"It's okay Merlin, it's okay." She whispered to him.

"It's not okay though is it; it was my entire fault how she turned out." Merlin cried. "How can you think of me in a good light now?" he asked almost challenging her to answer.

"Now just you hold on for one second." Guinevere said. "If you are going to blame yourself you may as well blame everyone of us. We were all there Merlin; I was Morgana's maid for many years. I knew she had troubles. I acted the best I could, just like you did. Just because you regret you didn't do something differently, doesn't make it your fault. I, more than anyone knew how stubborn Morgana could be. You could have acted differently, but the result could still have been the same regardless. You cannot go on blaming yourself for it."

"I could have guided her through it, had I been braver." He said softly.

"There is still no guarantee it would have made a difference. From the moment she met Morgause she had a bond with her. She told me once that she thought she'd met her before." Guinevere said.

Merlin looked quizzically at her. "Met her before?"

Guinevere shrugged "Whatever. In the end Morgana made her choice, sadly. I don't think you could have stopped her. Some things were just meant to be that way. It's because you are such a kind person that you feel the need to blame yourself. None of us are perfect Merlin, you need to remember that."

Merlin took a deep breath, all of a sudden he felt as if he was coming out of a deep sleep. His head ached, but despite that he felt better having got it off his chest. For years he had kept the truth hidden from his friends, hiding it like a shameful event never to be spoken of again. But now that he had, it felt like a blessed relief. Not for the first time he marvelled at how Guinevere took everything in her stride, but she had always been the toughest one of the four of them. A true friend, someone who would never judge and always be true.

He took her hand. "Thank you for listening to me and not judging me." He said.

"I haven't got long left Merlin. I would like you to grant me one wish." Guinevere said looking at him intently.

"Anything." Merlin said

"Once I die I want you to put yourself first. I don't want you thinking you have to stay in Camelot forever. You have spent your life serving everyone, now it is your turn to live your own life. You have too much to give Merlin; I don't want you to spend it wallowing about people who are gone. You have so much to give." Guinevere said.

"It is a frightening thought being alone." Merlin said to her, looking around the room.

"We are never alone Merlin, remember that."

A couple of days later the Kingdom of Camelot was in mourning for its Queen. There was a big funeral attended by people from all over Albion. Many speeches took place that day, but Merlin barely took any of it in. Instead his thoughts were full of his friends, Arthur, Morgana and Guinevere, and he mourned them all. But once the smoke had cleared he thought again of the conversation he'd had with Guinevere and at last he knew the time to depart Camelot was right. There was so much of the world he'd not seen; well from now on he would put that right. One day Arthur would return, but until then he had other worlds to conquer.