On Easy Terms
written for Barricade Day 2003
for my own children of the barricade...I miss you more than you could know.
"Marius, don't torture yourself."
Cosette's words were gentle and he remembered them well, but...
...he couldn't help it.
The Baron de Pontmercy slipped out of the house early in the morning, before the sun had risen and after night had melted into a winter morning's icy grey countenance. His wife was still sleeping, her face an angelic picture of peace and dark curls and soft sighs within a deep sleep. He had smiled softly, touched her hair, and kissed her cheek gently. She had stirred, but had not woken up.
He walked the streets of Paris without so much as a word, his breath creating tiny clouds of white floating on the morning air. He did not turn his head as other early-wakers passed him by, did not honour their inquisitive looks. He was walking with a purpose, and a memory...
By God, it hurt. Six months? It felt like merely yesterday. The time had flown by, cold, cruel and silent. He felt his breath catch, and brought his teeth down upon his tongue; a habit he'd carried from childhood when he'd try not to cry.
He would not cry. They did not cry, and nor would he. He was three-and-twenty years old, besides. Far too old for such idiotic sentimentality.
Yet here he was, once again at the Rue de la Chanvrerie.
He surveyed his surroundings, trying to ignore the dull pain inside his chest and the tears still pricking the back of his eyes. It was as if it had never happened -- there was no sign that only months ago, there had been a barricade blocking the way, and there, his brothers had fallen...
He found, with surprise, that despite the tears and the hollow pain, he couldn't cry. Even if he had wanted to, he couldn't. There was a blunt, throbbing feeling in his heart; one that rendered him almost paralysed. A grief too deep to allay with sweet words of memory and visiting the site where they had all fallen--
Suddenly Marius felt quite profoundly alone.
"Help," he whispered, his throat catching. He struggled to make sense of his anguish, tried to rationalise it all -- everyone passed away, sooner or later. It was merely their time, that was all, that was it...but..it wasn't...
"Marius."
He turned, sight blurred with unshed tears, and found Cosette standing behind him, wrapped in her cloak, her blue eyes filled with tenderness.
"Dearest, you shouldn't be here, I was just...well..."
She touched his face gently, taking his hand into her own. "What did I tell you about torturing yourself?"
The tears that had refused to fall before now fled down his cheeks in burning trails. He twined his fingers with her own, and waited until he had a little more control before answering her.
"I miss them. It...it hurts, and I thought..." he shook his head. "I suppose...I shouldn't be so emotional about it...it was long ago..."
"Marius," she sighed, laying her head against his shoulder. "Marius, dear heart, these things take time. Don't reproach yourself so."
A muted sob. "I'll never...I don't know, just lately I realised that I'll never...see their faces again, Cosette. I don't...perhaps something's wrong with me, but I...oh, God..."
"There's nothing wrong with you, Marius." Her tone was firm, but still gentle. "I know it hurts. And you should honour that. Don't pretend it didn't happen, don't make excuses for your grief. Heaven knows you are entitled to it."
He bit his lip for a moment, then wrapped his arms around his wife, burying his face in her dark hair. She embraced him tightly, and the couple stood that way for a long moment, silent and still.
"Papa said to me, once," Cosette began in a hushed voice, "That no one ever leaves you for good. If someone is dear to your heart, there's a tie that binds you together, forever. Some day, you will meet again."
Marius smiled through his tears, and nodded. "I hope so."
Cosette layed her cheek against his chest, closing her eyes and listening to his heartbeat. Dear Marius…I love you so much.
She felt warmth touch her face suddenly, and light play in front of her eyes. She opened them, and raised her head. A smile spread across her face slowly, and she squeezed Marius' hand.
"Look, Marius," she whispered, gently turning his face towards the warmth.
"The sun is rising."
written for Barricade Day 2003
for my own children of the barricade...I miss you more than you could know.
"Marius, don't torture yourself."
Cosette's words were gentle and he remembered them well, but...
...he couldn't help it.
The Baron de Pontmercy slipped out of the house early in the morning, before the sun had risen and after night had melted into a winter morning's icy grey countenance. His wife was still sleeping, her face an angelic picture of peace and dark curls and soft sighs within a deep sleep. He had smiled softly, touched her hair, and kissed her cheek gently. She had stirred, but had not woken up.
He walked the streets of Paris without so much as a word, his breath creating tiny clouds of white floating on the morning air. He did not turn his head as other early-wakers passed him by, did not honour their inquisitive looks. He was walking with a purpose, and a memory...
By God, it hurt. Six months? It felt like merely yesterday. The time had flown by, cold, cruel and silent. He felt his breath catch, and brought his teeth down upon his tongue; a habit he'd carried from childhood when he'd try not to cry.
He would not cry. They did not cry, and nor would he. He was three-and-twenty years old, besides. Far too old for such idiotic sentimentality.
Yet here he was, once again at the Rue de la Chanvrerie.
He surveyed his surroundings, trying to ignore the dull pain inside his chest and the tears still pricking the back of his eyes. It was as if it had never happened -- there was no sign that only months ago, there had been a barricade blocking the way, and there, his brothers had fallen...
He found, with surprise, that despite the tears and the hollow pain, he couldn't cry. Even if he had wanted to, he couldn't. There was a blunt, throbbing feeling in his heart; one that rendered him almost paralysed. A grief too deep to allay with sweet words of memory and visiting the site where they had all fallen--
Suddenly Marius felt quite profoundly alone.
"Help," he whispered, his throat catching. He struggled to make sense of his anguish, tried to rationalise it all -- everyone passed away, sooner or later. It was merely their time, that was all, that was it...but..it wasn't...
"Marius."
He turned, sight blurred with unshed tears, and found Cosette standing behind him, wrapped in her cloak, her blue eyes filled with tenderness.
"Dearest, you shouldn't be here, I was just...well..."
She touched his face gently, taking his hand into her own. "What did I tell you about torturing yourself?"
The tears that had refused to fall before now fled down his cheeks in burning trails. He twined his fingers with her own, and waited until he had a little more control before answering her.
"I miss them. It...it hurts, and I thought..." he shook his head. "I suppose...I shouldn't be so emotional about it...it was long ago..."
"Marius," she sighed, laying her head against his shoulder. "Marius, dear heart, these things take time. Don't reproach yourself so."
A muted sob. "I'll never...I don't know, just lately I realised that I'll never...see their faces again, Cosette. I don't...perhaps something's wrong with me, but I...oh, God..."
"There's nothing wrong with you, Marius." Her tone was firm, but still gentle. "I know it hurts. And you should honour that. Don't pretend it didn't happen, don't make excuses for your grief. Heaven knows you are entitled to it."
He bit his lip for a moment, then wrapped his arms around his wife, burying his face in her dark hair. She embraced him tightly, and the couple stood that way for a long moment, silent and still.
"Papa said to me, once," Cosette began in a hushed voice, "That no one ever leaves you for good. If someone is dear to your heart, there's a tie that binds you together, forever. Some day, you will meet again."
Marius smiled through his tears, and nodded. "I hope so."
Cosette layed her cheek against his chest, closing her eyes and listening to his heartbeat. Dear Marius…I love you so much.
She felt warmth touch her face suddenly, and light play in front of her eyes. She opened them, and raised her head. A smile spread across her face slowly, and she squeezed Marius' hand.
"Look, Marius," she whispered, gently turning his face towards the warmth.
"The sun is rising."