A Growing Admiration

As Gwen threw the curtains back and saw the sun shining brightly her spirits immediately soared. She had been fretting that the weather might curtail her plans, but it seemed for once she had luck on her side. She sprang out of her room a spring in her step, and straight away began to make some sandwiches. She had persuaded Ella from the kitchens to give her some food that had been left over from the royal party's dinner last night.

As her eyes feasted on the pieces of ham and chicken, she could hardly wait to prepare the picnic. Then all she had to do was hope that the next part of her plan would work as well as this part had. She was glad she had let Gaius in on her plan, hopeful that he would enable Merlin to be at the right place, at the right time. Apart from anything else it would save her the nightmare of having to invite him along herself.

Oh dear she thought, the mire idea of thinking about him was causing her heart too beat faster, and butterflies swarm around in her stomach. It was so unfair; the moment she spoke to him she could feel a huge battle unleashing itself on her. Her face would go red, she would be start to stutter on her words, then as the panic set in, her words would muddle altogether, and she'd end saying things she didn't intend to, embarrassing herself in the process.

She stamped her foot on the spot, and took a deep breath vowing this afternoon would be different. Not that Merlin ever seemed to notice; to begin with she had assumed he was ignoring it to spare her feelings. Yet the more she spoke to him she began to wonder if he even noticed her constant state. It wasn't that Gwen felt bad about that, in fact come to think of it, it was actually a relief. But deep down she didn't think that Merlin had a clue about what her feelings for him were. She wasn't sure if she was pleased about that or not.

"It's on then." a voice boomed behind her.

"Father you frightened the life out of me." Gwen laughed warmly at Tom.

Tom laughed. "Well I hope it's worth it and you have a good time. He should be honoured that you like him so much."

"It's nothing like that." Gwen blushed.

Tom came back and put his hand gently on her cheek. "You think a father doesn't know when his little girl is interested in someone?" he smiled.

Gwen laughed. "I just want to say thank you to him."

"Yes." Tom smiled. "Of course you do."

Gwen put her hands on her hips and gave him a look.

"Okay I'm going." her father laughed.

"Did you pick up your sandwiches?" Gwen said as he reached the door.

Tom lifted the sandwiches in the air, and gave her a smile as he closed the door behind him.

Now all Gwen had to do was to make herself busy until two o'clock. At first she was grateful that Morgana had suggested she have the day off. But as the time went by incredibly slowly she began to regret that she'd accepted her suggestion. She frowned as she thought of her mistress. Morgana had suffered from a lot of sleepless nights recently. It had worried Gwen as Morgana was beginning to look very tired and stressed. Not even Gaius's potions seemed to make a difference at the moment. Gwen would have done anything for her; she was more like a friend to her then anything. Sometimes Gwen would stay in the palace so she was near her. But Morgana had insisted that today she needed sleep, and so it would be easier for Gwen to enjoy a day off rather, than be around her chambers.

Gwen busied herself around the hut, tiding up and sorting out cupboards she'd not had time to do before. As she got carried away into her work the morning soon began to run away, so much so that Gwen suddenly realized she had only a few minutes to make her way to the citadel. Cursing herself she had a last look of herself straightening out her hair before snatching the basket and running through the lower town. Running into a few people she knew, she smiled and waved as she ran through the gate and into the court yard.

She took a deep breath making her way to the room that Gaius had suggested she wait in. Suddenly the familiar nerves began to take hold of her all over again. She sighed hoping she wouldn't have to wait too long for Merlin to arrive. She made sure the basket was covered with the cloth, not wanting to give the secret away too soon. Just as she'd done that she heard a familiar voice ring out behind her.

"Hi Gwen. Gaius said that you needed a bit of help with something?"

Gwen turned round to face him taking in his wide and friendly smile as she did so. Even before she opened her mouth she knew what was going to happen.

"Merlin, yes, err no erm well actually." she began feeling the red glow appearing on her cheeks already. "I mean yes."

Merlin regarded her with a kind smile still etched on his face. "Erm what are we going to do?" he asked curiously.

"Sorry." she laughed trying to cover her embarrassment. "Well it's a bit complicated."

"Oh?" Merlin asked, "Well I'm sure between the two of us we can work it out." he suggested.

"Yes." Gwen agreed. "Maybe we could go outside?"

Merlin looked puzzled for a second, but having spent the morning doing Arthur's swords and washing his clothes, he was quite happy about spending some time outside in the sun.

"That'll be nice, I've been inside all day." he smiled "What's in the basket?" he asked noticing Gwen carrying one.

"I'll explain when we're outside." she smiled relieved to be going outside, suddenly the citadel felt claustrophobic.

As they left the citadel they fell into an easy conversation laughing about life in service and everything it involved. Before long they were running down the stairs; and entered the court yard, where the sun shone brightly from the sky. Gwen pulled Merlin over to the corner of the yard, out of the gaze of the people coming and going. As they walked along she tried to rehearse what she was going to say to him.

"I didn't realize it was such a lovely day." Merlin smiled at her as they came to a stop.

"Yes." Gwen agreed "I'm fortunate that I got such a lovely day off."

"Yeah." Merlin agreed. "I'd expect you to be away from the citadel on a day like this."

Here is my chance Gwen thought to herself. She took a breath steadied her nerves, and looking straight at him.

"Well actually there is a reason I'm here." she smiled shyly. "I'm wondering if you would, although you don't have to if you don't want too that is-" she stuttered.

Merlin smiled kindly looking at her closely.

"If I don't want to what?" he asked politely.

"Have a picnic with me!" the words ran out of Gwen's mouth like water from a tap, leaving her blushing and feeling faint with embarrassment. That was not how she wanted to do it. How she wished she could keep her composure in such situations. She hardly dared look at him now, but in the end lifted her face up slowly to his, realizing he hadn't given her an answer. She wanted to fall down a hole now, what will he think of me, she wondered despondently to herself.

"I don't know what to say." Merlin said eventually, feeling quite flattered in truth.

"I'm sorry." Gwen apologized, dropping her gaze again. "I shouldn't of asked you, I know you are so busy and you must have better things to do then go out with -"

"I'd love to come on a picnic with you." Merlin said.

"Really?" Gwen asked suddenly stunned.

"So that's what's in the basket then." he grinned, taking it from her.

Gwen laughed. "Yes."

Merlin looked around "Well we'd best go then, unless you want it here." he teased.

"Certainly not." Gwen laughed making a face, she could just imagine the gossiping that would of occurred had they done it in such a public place. "There's a lovely spot in the woods not so far away."

As they walked they compared experiences as Arthur and Morgana's servants. As Gwen studied him she was always taken aback, by how on his own he could go from being really guarded, to opening up in the drop of a hat. For their brief time together she felt she knew actually very little about him. She was determined that by the end of the day she would know more about him.

"Over there." she pointed to a clearing by a stream, suddenly breaking out into a run. She could hear him running after her laughing, at one stage almost falling over. "I've got there first." she announced laughing.

A breathless Merlin grinned. "This basket was weighing me down though."

"That is a terrible excuse Merlin." she giggled taking the cloth off the basket.

Merlin shrugged. "I'm not good at sport." he admitted to her sitting down on the cloth, and helping her to unload the food.

"Neither am I." Gwen admitted "I suspect you are better than you showed there."

"What are you saying Gwen?" he asked teasing her.

"That I think you let me win." she smiled, watching closely for his reaction.

"Like I would of done that." he said avoiding her gaze, but smiling at the floor.

"Well I don't care even if you did." she said giving him a plate.

Merlin looked around him in amazement, "Wow you have gone to a lot of trouble, all this food. It's very nice of course, but I just wonder why you invited me?"

Gwen looked at him surprise on her face. She wondered if he genuinely didn't understand; it was almost as if he didn't understand why anyone would do anything for him. It saddened her that he would think that way; she felt she owed it to him to be entirely honest with him.

"I wanted to thank you." she said gazing at him.

"For what?" he asked in amazement.

"For the little thing of saving my life." she said. "If it wasn't for you I wouldn't be here now, and well I thought it would be a nice way of saying thank you."

Merlin smiled at her. "You really don't have to thank me." he said awkwardly.

"I do Merlin, and also I wanted to just get you away from the citadel. I know how hard it can be; sometimes you hardly have time for a life. I think everyone needs a break from time to time."

Merlin nodded in agreement. "Well thank you for this, I'm very flattered."

Gwen giggled nervously. "Tell me about Ealdor." she encouraged him.

There was a pause before he answered her; Gwen studied him intently as he began to explain a bit about his background. She felt even though he was telling her things, that he was somehow leaving a lot out. From the first moment she'd come across him she felt that. Merlin seemed to give as much as he hid. She had a feeling that he was an interesting person deep down, but it was like something always held him back. She could see it in the way his eyes would sometimes cloud over.

For all her shyness Gwen felt she could read people really well. As she listened to his stories of home, she sensed there was a lot of loneliness inside the boy that sat next to her. It was as if he chose to keep part of himself in shadow, as if he was scared to show too much of his true self. She felt sad about that, she was determined that she would be there for him, just as he'd been there for her.

"Tell me about your best friend." Gwen encouraged curious for more information.

"His name is Will." Merlin began. "I've known him all my life, he is a right mischief maker, and he got me into many scrapes." he laughed.

"Like what?" Gwen asked thrilled that he was suddenly opening up.

"Like the time we were suppose to look after the villages chickens. While I was doing most of the work, cleaning them out he decided to clear off and play some games. I didn't see him for two hours, then he kicked a ball into the coop and suddenly we had chickens running everywhere. Down the road into people's houses, I lost a stone in weight running after them all." he laughed.

Gwen giggled. "But he helped you I hope."

"Not a chance he took off quicker than anything I'd seen, it was muggings here doing all the rescuing. But that was Will for you; he had a lot of hardship in his life, so I could forgive him a lot. I still miss him."

Gwen smiled. "He sounds a character. My friend Clare moved away, we did everything together. I wish she was still here, she was a real character as well."

"Well you have me to talk too now." he smiled.

Gwen suddenly found herself unable to look at him, but inside her she felt as if her heart was bursting with joy.

There was a brief pause then suddenly to Gwen's surprise Merlin took off running down the forest. Gwen sat there stunned for a second before calling after him, wondering what on earth had got into him. She got up and followed to where he was, by a bush, she studied him for a second, he came over a huge smile on his face. It was obvious he had caught something.

"Do you want to see something really unusual?" he asked a smile on his face.

Gwen giggled, "Go on then, what is it?"

She followed him and sat down and watched as his hands opened slowly and there perched in the middle was the most beautiful butterfly she had ever seen.

"Oh that is beautiful Merlin." she sighed watching how calm it actually seemed in Merlin's hands. "It must like you, you'd expect it to fly away not just stay there." she remarked a hint of wonder in her voice.

She watched him for a second; it was like all of a sudden the boy was transformed in front of her, his face wore a serene look. So full of wonder like herself, so at ease with the surroundings, for once she felt as if she was actually seeing him as he was. It left her wanting to see more of this Merlin. If only she could unlock what held him back, but for now she was happy she'd made a start.

As they prepared to pack up and return to the citadel, Gwen thought through the afternoon. She still wasn't sure she knew a lot about him, he still seemed as if he liked to hide away if anyone got too close. Yet she had seen enough to know there was hope, and that it was possible to persuade him to open up a little bit.

As they sauntered home Gwen was determined she would try at getting to know the real Merlin again. She was sure once he learned to trust her a bit more he would open up even more and become a good friend.

As the towers of Camelot drew ever nearer she sensed a change in the boy at her side. As if he was beginning to close down a little bit. As they said their goodbyes she watched him move away and sighed. If only he knew just how fond of him she was, but there was always tomorrow for that.