Disclaimer: "NCIS" and its characters don't belong to me they belong to CBS and are being used without permission. Please don't sue because I have no money.
Author's Note: Do you notice that when Senior tells his son he loves him that Tony doesn't say it back. This is why I think he doesn't say it.
I Feel Nothing
When I was a child I would do anything just to get my Dad's attention. To get him to say that he loved me, or even negative attention. The negative attention that was brought on my behavior was telling him that I just wanted him to notice me. Even if it was to be hit, or to be yelled at it didn't matter to me. Because when he did those things it meant that he was paying attention to me. The times that he didn't, or he pretended that I didn't exist even if I was in the same room as he was very painful. It meant that he didn't care about me that I didn't matter. Times when he was hitting me I would want him to tell me that I was loved.
I asked him once why he hit me sometimes, but he just looked past me and ignored me. I could of taken it better if he told me it was because he loved me. When he left me in Hawaii and I had to be in the hotel by myself for two days. When I saw my father I expected him to say he was sorry for leaving me and tell me that he loved me, but he never did.
When I went to boarding school and couldn't come home for a holiday because he had gotten married and his wife at that time didn't want me in the way. I expected him to tell me he loved me, but he never did. Even as I grew I just wanted his love.
When I became a cop after my life as a professional basketball, or football player was no longer an option. I would call him and tell him some of the stuff that went on. He still didn't say he loved me. When I got shot and was in the hospital I called him, but he didn't want to come because he was in the middle of a deal. I was disappointed because I wanted my Dad there. It was then that I made up my mind that if I ever got hurt again that I would never call my father I was hurt again. It hurt too much for him to not care. I expected for him to tell me he loved me then too, but he never did.
After all of this time and waiting for an I love you from him and then suddenly it happens. I feel nothing. It's kind of weird to wait for so long to have your father tell you he loves you and yet you feel nothing. I really didn't know what to expect. I thought I would say the same words and feel joy that he finally said those words that I wanted to hear since I was a boy and yet I feel nothing.