"How ??? Stole Christmas" By Luke's Dragon
A/n
No idea where this idea came from, it seemed a good idea at the time to pen a 'humorous' Christmas fic and the idea kept growing and growing. I was torn between a few protagonists and the fic was nearly how Blackwargreymon stole Christmas but hey that would be too simple. Other ideas were Viktor (Suikoden) and Zell (Final Fantasy 8) but I decided to make this into some bizarre mutant crossover thing.
Oh dear… I think I've created a monster…
As if it matters but Matt and Tai are both 18 TK and Davis are 15 work anyone else out from there if you really must. I've just made them a bit older 'cause we've got 'adult themes' Major Yaoi (Yamasuke) hints but they don't really do anything. Thoughts are in Italics and tend to be Matt.
Disclaimer
Okay it's a major one today *deep breath* I don't own Digimon (saban toei etc do) the Final Fantasy series (Squaresoft) Pokemon (Nintendo Gamefreak etc), Bagpuss (No idea who does) or Suikoden (Konami) Nor do I own any of the Christmas songs featured (although I wouldn't want to) or the actual festival of Christmas which I'm fairly sure belongs to either God or everyone… Theological question then, do I therefore technically own Christmas?
~~~
Chapter 1 Or How It All Started
On their own beer and women can be lots of fun, but if you start mixing them you can turn into a dumbass
~ That 70's Show
~~~
It started as so many bad ideas do with the introduction of far too much alcohol. Maybe it started earlier than that maybe it started when they went to the Digital World to give their Digimon gifts like they did every year.
I've never understood why we do this every year, after all they haven't understood the idea in the however many years it's been since we started doing this. Still pointless traditions are what it's all about.
Pointless traditions as Matt put it involved coming here every December 21st to give the Digimon presents and have some sort of meal which for lack of a better term was a picnic. Technically there were twelve of them and the same number of Digimon, therefore a bright idea would be to have enough food for at least twenty four people, and knowing as they did the Digimon's appetites extra would be good.
However tradition dictated that Tai always packed the picnic. Matt briefly wondered if perhaps it was tradition that he forgot every single year without fail to do this and then had to rely on Kari raiding the fridge at the last minute. This year however most people had been prepared and brought their own food, Tai had been a little hurt by this.
"Guys! I always bring the food don't you trust me?"
"Of course we do Tai… It's just we wanted to be prepared"
"Yes, what if some friendly Digimon showed up to join us?"
Sora and Joe two of the only people I know who can calm Tai down when he gets into one of his 'hurt and offended' modes. Me? I'd have told him the truth, I don't trust you with organization as much as I wouldn't trust Cody to do my hair… Eeew scary thought.
"What if some bad Digimon show up, attracted by the food then Joe?"
Unkind but he does tend to worry far too much
"Then we'd beat them up! Pow! Zap! And…umm… Pow!"
"You already used Pow! Dummy"
"Shut up TJ"
"TK"
"Whatever"
My little brother TK and my… umm I mean Davis. Usually hyperactive the sugar in whatever he's been eating has now well and truly kicked in, still the extra energy should come in handy if we ever need to bounce halfway around the world.
After the picnic was eaten the group started handing out gifts to their Digimon partners, Matt although renowned (and frequently mocked) for his sense of style was notoriously bad at choosing gifts. Last year he had bought his mother a trash can, his father a pen and TK some fluffy dice. Gabumon had gotten a hat. Unbeknown to Matt his brother and partner had traded gifts since Gabumon's horn didn't fit in the hat and TK couldn't drive, Gabumon still wore the dice as a neck ornament on special occasions, provided Matt wouldn't be there to notice.
This year however he had enlisted the help of Kari and Mimi to buy presents, this had resulted in much better gifts but much less money for Matt. This year his mother had got a painting of some sort of lake, his father had a coffee maker, TK had a pink cup shaped like a rabbit (Kari wasn't allowed to help with that in case she told him) Gabumon had candy and Da… Someone else who certainly wasn't Davis had a sliver pendant.
"Matt?"
"Yes Gabumon?"
"Thank you for the candy…but?"
"You're on a diet?"
"No…it's just that every year we do this and well… umm…"
"Go on"
"We don't really know why"
"You don't know why we do this every Christmas?"
"We Digimon don't know what Christmas is"
After assembling all the Digimon and Digi-Destined together Tai formulated a wonderful plan to help the Digimon understand the idea of Christmas.
"Oh I know I know!"
"I'm going to regret this but go on Davis"
"Presents and booze and food"
"Right!"
Tai despite doing a fairly good job of summing up at least what we do at Christmas received a death-stare from Sora and TK. Apparently me and Tai have missed something major, still I bite my tongue so as to avoid their wrath.
"It's about much more than that Tai. It's a celebration of the birth of Jesus"
"Question?"
"Yes Tentomon?"
"Who is Jesus?"
"Ah well I'll tell you all a story then"
"Oh before you do I've got a question too"
"Go on Patamon"
"What's a birth?"
~~~
Much later after Sora had explained the story of the nativity and Matt and Tai had demonstrated the basic ideas of 'where babies come from' the Digi-destined said goodbye to their friends and when back to the real world. Tomorrow night they were having their own party, tradition said it should be a few days before so that they had time to recover, sober up or find bail money before Christmas day. Since two years ago most of them could vouch spending Christmas in hospital after falling out of a second floor window (Tai). Spending the day regretting trying to set a world record for Tequila slammers drunk in five minutes (Izzy) Or in extreme cases jail after what Ken swore was a misunderstanding with a bus full of pensioners and half the city police department (Ken, Cody, Yolie and Mimi). Anyway these were all very bad ways to spend the day so now they had the party early. Possibly November would give us enough time to recover.
The party was to be at Mimi's apartment in America this year; they had all managed to get free flights through one of Yoile's numerous relatives and would be spending Christmas in New York. Matt had been less than impressed with his first experience of flying after the plane had been delayed for four and half-hours. Four and a half hours of torturous eye-spy if anyone ever told him they could spy, with their little eye something beginning with N, which turned out to be 'No Airplane' he would kill someone, possibly everyone. Still he had managed to join a fairly exclusive club during the trip a fact unknown to everyone except… Ah well no sense dwelling on it.
Since Mimi's apartment was not big enough for all of them, they had booked into a hotel, annoyingly Matt was paired up with Joe and Izzy. still it would be quiet apart from the occasional tap-tap-tap on the keyboard, which was starting to drive itself into his brain, followed by the occasional rustle of pages being turned. At least it wasn't as bad as it could be, TK was room sharing with Tai and Davis.
New beds Dai-Chan hasn't bounced on before and free mints on the pillow, he'll be in heaven, and Tai can tell someone else about how wonderful Sora is. Ah! Someone who isn't me hearing about it ha! Take that TK.
As he settled down to sleep Matt noticed it was snowing outside, he smiled maybe they could have a white Christmas, hmm sounded like an idea for a song.
~~~
After spending the day walking around New York and wishing that they had more money the Digi-destined arrived at Mimi's apartment. Although arrived was the wrong word, descended was better or even swarmed or whatever the word that describes a meteor heading for earth that would have been a good word, only Matt couldn't think of it.
Before too long the party was in full swing, Matt was trying not to get too drunk since it was far more fun watching all his friends make idiots out of themselves. Tai trying to impress Sora who was trying to impress him. Joe turning a bright shade of red every time Mimi walked past him, TK and Kari trying to find a quiet corner to make out in and Izzy as always in the presence of alcohol turning into the life of the party. If of course you considered knock-knock jokes and wearing a lampshade on your head funny as, tragically, most of his friends did. Ken seemed to be staying relatively sober as well and was making a small fortune fleecing people at card tricks.
Before too long Mimi turned on her CD player, usually cheerful pop music would have come blasting out but today it was replaced with something far more terrifying. Christmas songs. Screaming in horror Matt ran outside to take shelter on the balcony where he found Davis.
"Hey"
"Matt! Hi!"
"Umm… hi"
"It's snowing!"
"…yes"
"Isn't it cool?!"
"Dai… the exclamation marks, stop it"
"!!!"
"Not funny"
"Sorry… It's a shame really"
"What is?"
"That we can't tell them…"
"Dai-Chan…"
"I know, just saying that's all"
"Even if we saved the world they wouldn't understand"
"Dude…"
"Dai-Chan, the comment about exclamations can definitely be extended to 'dude'"
"Well in that case you can't go '…' or 'whatever' until Christmas okay
"Fine"
"And…umm… forfeits if you fail"
"Fine"
"Is 'fine' just a version of 'whatever'?"
"…No"
"Guess we should go back inside"
The party raged on all night very much like a war. Soon all the good food and drinks were gone and all that was left was very cheap and nasty beer with the taste and smell of roadwork's. Matt had managed to hide his two favorite things about Christmas, egg-nog (with a cherry in it) and mince pies in his bag for later. Eventually at about half past five there was nothing left to eat drink or do so everyone fell asleep. Matt managed to get almost two hours sleep before it was time for Davis to wake up. And when Davis wakes up all of his friend's wake up too… Mainly because he is a noisy little *&%$
"MATT! It's awful wake up!"
"Davis…it's too early"
"But… someone stole Christmas!"
"Hmm… that's nice"
"And the tree is gone and the decorations and the snow, and the mince pies"
"The mince pies… my mince pies?"
"…gone"
Matt leapt up with a start, it was true the entire room was empty of any signs of Christmas, Matt opened up the curtains to see… bright sunlight flooding across the city. Davis was right, someone had stolen Christmas.
~~~
Waking up all the other Digi-destined they searched the apartment high and low for any sign of the missing festival, they found nothing until Matt and Davis walked into the kitchen, three glowing energy portals stood in the middle of the room, one red, one green and one gold. As ever when faced with anything new they called for their resident know-it-all.
"What are they Izzy?"
"Hmm… let me get a reading"
"Come on hurry it up"
"Okay, they are inter-dimensional gateways"
"…?"
"Portals to other worlds Davis"
"Where they here last night?"
"Doubtful, even as inebriated as we were I think we would have noticed them"
"So the Christmas thief…"
"Could have used them, prodigious!"
"Prodigious?"
"Sorry force of habit"
The inter-dimensional Christmas thief? Prodigious? It's far too early for this, even mince pies aren't worth all this hassle at this time. I'm going back to bed.
"Matt! Lets go!"
"Go where Dai, the only place I'm going is bed"
"No! Through the portal, we'll find the diabolically fiendish villain and stop him"
"Must we?"
"Yep"
With that Davis jumped into the green portal and vanished in a flash of light, looking over at Izzy Matt shrugged his shoulders and followed his enthusiastic friend. As he jumped into the light Matt was sure he heard the faint sound of sleigh-bells ringing in his ears.