A/N: Ok, wow…This is not like my other parodies…I love Wicked. It was my very first show, so it's a lot of fun to do this! This spoof will be EPIC! Enjoy! And tell me what you think!
REVIEW PLEASE!
Disclaimer: Ok….So I don't own Wicked (book or musical), Ricola, or Graffiti Pete or Kurt Hummel or anything else mentioned!
Scene 1:
Citizens of Oz: *chattering*
Guy 1: Hey! Did you hear?
Guy 2: Hear what?
Guy1: The witch is dead!
Guy 2: Um….yay?
Angry Woman: HE'S SKEPTICAL!
*All throw out Guy 2*
Woman 54: Look! It's Glinda!
Glinda: *descends in bubbles* *sigh* Fellow-!
Guy 3: *hacking cough*
Glinda: *annoyed* Fellow-
Guy 3: *Hacking cough*
Glinda: WOULD YOU SHUT THE HELL UP AND GET A RICOLA? *sighs* Anywho…Let us be glad that the Wicked Witch is finally dead!
Citizens: YAY!
Elphaba: *off-stage* Not yay!
Fiyero:*off-stage* Yeah! Not yay!….right?
Elphaba: *face palms*
Glinda: Oh, yes! The Wicked Witch! She was born green! Her father was a minister, her mother was a whore.
Elphaba: *off-stage* Do they really need to know this?
Glinda: Why, yes!
Elphaba: *off-stage* Why didn't I join RENT instead….
Guy 1: Glinda! Is it true you were her friend?
Glinda: Well, it depends on what you mean by…'friend'
Guy 1: This is gonna be a huge flashback, isn't it….
Scene 2:
Shiz Students: Blah, blah, blah…
Galinda: *high pitched, Cheno-note*
Shiz Student 1: HOLY SHIT! MY EARS!
Boq: *carrying luggage*
Galinda: Oh, hello Munchkin boy!
Boq: Ok, listen here you racist moron! Just because I-*looks at Galidna in a trance* *drools* I didn't know racists were so sexy…
Galinda: Um…yeah…We're gorgeous….
Boq: *floats and follows Galinda*
Galinda: Please go away…
Boq: Never….
*Enter the Thropp family*
Frex: Well, ok! We're at college!
Nessa: Yay!
Elphaba:….
Frex: Now, remember what we talked about.
Nessa: No drinking, no wild partying, stay away from frat guys cuz they only want one thing.
Elphaba: And if you get pregnant, it's not my fault.
Nessa: Elphaba! How could dare say something like that! *waits until Frex is out of earshot* Don't mess up my chance! You know how much action a girl in a wheelchair gets? NONE!
Elphaba: And do you know how much action a girl who looks like the spawn of the Jolly Green Giant gets? ABSOLUTELY NONE.
Frex: Well, ok, Nessa…I'm gonna leave now *starts to tear up* Here's some shoes!
Nessa: oh, father! They're beautiful! *in her mind* THESE ARE THE UGLIEST FUCKING SHOES I'VE EVER SEEN!
Elphaba: Don't I get a present, dad?
Frex: *walks away*
Elphaba: And why is he not surprised I haven't killed myself yet…
Madame Morrible: Hello students!
Students: Hello, Madame Morrible….
Morrible: Oh look! A girl in a wheelchair! You can just come with me!
Elphaba: BRIGN HER BACK, BITCH!
Nessa: *getting pulled towards Elphaba MAGICALLY!* No guys! This isn't what it looks like! I'M NOT RELATED TO HER!
Elphaba: Oh, dear Nessarose, my one and only sister! I shall never let you from my sight!
Shiz students: *snicker*
Galinda: Oh! Madame Morrible, I-!Morrible: Shut up, bitch! I'm talking to the magical one!
Elphaba: Me?
Morrible: Ya wanna meet the wizard?
Elphaba: HOLY CRAP! YES! IT'S ONLY BEEN MY LIFE LONG DREAM! *rips off coat to reveal an 'I Love the Wizard' t-shirt*
Marrible: Excellent….Mwuahaha….Mwahahah! MWUAHAHAHAHAHA!
Elphaba:…..
Scene 3:
Galinda: Dear Momsy and Popsicle…
Elphaba: Dear dad.
Galinda: They roomed me with some freakish piece of broccoli. A little help would be nice…I mean, yesterday, she asked if my purse was ACTUALLY coach! Ha! What a poor loser…
Elphaba: Dear Unnamed God in Heaven! I can't stand my roommate! She's ugly and perky and….blonde. I hate you, dad. I didn't even wanna go here! I'd pull a Moritz Stiefel, but no one knows what that means so I won't.
Galinda: You most darlingest daughter, Galinda
Elphaba: From, Me.
Scene 4:
Dr. Dillamond: Settle down class!
Boq: But we're not-
Dr. Dillamond: I SAID SETTLE DOWN!
Boq: Ok….
Dr. Dillamond: Who can tell me what the difference is between an animal and and Animal?
Elphaba: *raises hand*
Dr. Dillamond: Yes, Miss…?
Elphaba: Elphaba. An animal is an animal who cannot talk or who can no longer talk. And Animal is one who can.
Dr. Dillamond: Very good! So who can tell me what foreshadowing is?
Elphaba: *raises hand* Foreshadowing is when something is mentioned earlier in the plot as a reference and then is brought back later as a major plot point.
Dr. Dillamond: Excellent!
Galinda: Was he trying to say something there?
Galinda's friends: Uh…no?
Galinda: Ok!
Dr. Dillamond: HOLY SHIT! GRAFFITI!
*Enter Graffiti Pete*
Graffiti Pete: That's cold man….
Dr. Dillamond: AND HOLY SHIT! THE CHALKBOARD!
All: 'Animals should be seen, not….' what?
Morrible: HEARD! THAT SAYS HEARD!
All: *confused*
Morrible: Oh. I saw the tragic message and I…read it.
Elphaba: *like she's on ER* Dr. Dillamond….we haven't got much time…The Wizard must do something about this…crisis…
Dr. Dillamond: Yes…We must…it's their only chance of survival…
*Both stare seriously out into the audience*
Scene 5:
Elphaba: Well, that was weird…
Galinda: Eew…books suck….
Boq: Oh, hi Galinda! Fancy seeing you here…
Galinda: Bick-
Boq: It's Boq.
Galinda: I go to school here, duh?
Boq: Oh…right…
*Enter Fiyero! Winkie Prince of the Arjiki Tribe!*
Carriage Driver: *out of breath* Pr….Presenting…his r-royal highness…P-Prince Fiyero…oh, never mind…
Fiyero: *bursting out from his tricked out ride* Hey ladies!
Galinda: Gasp! It's Fiyero Tigelaar!
Boq: The Winkie prince?
Fiyero: Who said Winkie?
Boq: I…did…?
Fiyero: WINKIE IS INSULTING! We prefer the term 'Arjiki.'
Boq: Why?
Fiyero: Would you rather be called an Arjiki or a FUCKING WINKIE!
All: He swore….
Fiyero: Yeah…I swear…I'm a badass bad boy..
Galinda: *faints*
Fiyero: Wanna come to a dance with me?
Galinda: Oh, yes….
Boq: *stepping in* Uh, no…she doesn't…
Galinda: Bick!
Boq: BOQ!
Galinda: How about I set you up with the wheelchair chick!
Boq: You mean Nessa?
Galinda: Yeah!
Boq: M'kay….
*goes away*
Galinda: Oh, Fiyero….You're so…perfect…
Fiyero: I know…*They kiss passionately*
*meanwhile…*
Nessa: AAAAAAAHHHH!
Elphaba: Who died?
Nessa: I got my very first date!
Elphaba: Great! With who.
Nessa: Boq!
Elphaba: BWAHAHAHAHA! YOU'RE GOING OUT WITH BOQ?
Nessa: *rolls over her feet*
Elphaba: Ok! Ok! I'm done!Galinda: Oh, hi greenie!
Elphaba:…
Galinda: Me and my friends were talking and I wanna give you this hat to wear at the Ozdust tonight.
Elphaba: But it's….hideous.
Galinda: No!
Elphaba: Ok….*puts it on* I look like a weirdo….Huh. I like it.
Scene 6:
*at the Ozdust*
All: WHOO! I LOVE TO DANCE!
Galinda: So…Fiyero…
Fiyero: Yeah?
Galinda: Are you doing anything…afterwards?
Fiyero: Uh…nope.
Galinda: How about you come back to my place and we can…do something…
Fiyero: Oh! You mean like playing a game or something? Cuz I am BEAST at chess! But I somehow suck at Sorry….
Galinda: Yeah…some badass bad boy…
*Meanwhile*
Nessa: Oh, Boq…this is nice…
Boq: *watching Galinda* Did you say something, dear?
Nessa: Yes…Oh, I love you Boq! You're so wonderful…
Boq: Uh-huh…that's nice…
Nessa: C'mere you sexy beast! *kisses him*
Boq: *squirms like a fish out of water*
*Suddenly enter Elphaba*
All: AHHHH!
Elphaba: it's just me calm down…
Fiyero: What's eating her head?
Galinda: That's a hat, Fiyero.
Fiyero: Oh.
Elphaba: *starts to dance*
Everyone else: HAHAHAHAA!…loser….
Galinda: I feel bad now…*goes and dances too*
Fiyero: I wanna dance! *joins the dance*
Frat Boy: Dude, If Fiyero's doing it, we're doing it!
Everyone: *Dancing*
Fiyero: ok, everyone! Finishing pose!
*All hit end pose*
Scene 7:
Galinda: Wasn't that fun?
Elphaba: Loads…
Galinda: I love parties…
Elphaba: Huh….
Galinda: Ok…Let's tell secrets!
Elphaba; I'll pass thanks…
Galinda: No! I'll go first! But you promise not to tell ANYONE! *whispers*
Elphaba: YOU'RE NOT A NATURAL BLONDE?
Galinda: Shhhhh! Ok! Now you go!
Elphaba: I once tried to kill a spider with rat poison. There. Does that work?
Galinda: you're not a good secret-teller…
Elphaba: I carry around a bottle of green elixir and I don't even know why. Apparently it was my mom's but no one told me the significance. They just say 'Wait for Act II!'
Galinda: Well, ok…Let's make you popular!
Elphaba: What?
Galinda: Yesss! Ok, ready?
Elphaba: Um….
Galinda: *with training wand* Umm..ok! Bippity boppity, boppity boo, turn this green girl into something new!
Elphaba: Um…Galinda?
Galinda: Yes?
Elphaba: You turned me into Maureen Johnson.
Galinda: Oh…whoops! Sorry! Um...Abracadabra Clickity clack, um hey, we want our green girl back!
Elphaba: Thank you.
Galinda: Don't mention it…new best friend…Oh! Here's a flower clip for you! All my friends have one! And on Wednesdays…we wear pink!
Elphaba: Dear Lord…
Scene 8:
Morrible: Ok, class…Dr. Dillamond got arrested!
All: Yay!
Elphaba: NOT YAY!
Fiyero: Oh. Hello there.
Elphaba; Hi.
Fiyero: You seem…Galinda-fied.
Elphaba: And you seem stupid-idfied.
Fiyero: Thanks!
Elphaba:…..
Morrible: So here's your new teacher!
Teacher Man: hey! I'm not licensed!
Students: Um…cool…?
Teacher Man: This is a lion cub. I named it Brrr!
Brrr: *rolls eyes*
Teacher Man: Let's poke it with a stick!
Elphaba: NO!
*everyone freezes*
Fiyero: Holy crap….
Elphaba: How come you didn't freeze?
Fiyero: Maybe it's my manly toughness…
Elphaba: Or maybe your brain's too small…come on….
Fiyero: Yay!
*Later*
Elphaba: Well, here we are…Go free, little lion cub!
Brrr: *rolls eyes*
Fiyero: You know…I think I sort of like you…
Elphaba: Huh?
Fiyero: NOTHING! GOTTA GO!
Elphaba: That was weird….
Morrible: Oh, look! I found you conveniently in the middle of the field! Let's mak eit stop raining before you die!
Elphaba: Wow, Madame Morrible! I didn't know you could control the weather!
Morrible: Of course I can! It'll be a major plot point in the next Act! But anywho…I just got a letter from the Wizard!
Elphaba: THE WIZRD! SQUEEE! WHAT DOES IT SAY?
Morrible: He wants you to come to the Emerald City! Tomorrow1
Elphaba: YES! LOOK AT ME NOW WORLD! SUCK IT!
Scene 9:
*at train station*
Galinda: Oh, Elphie….I hope you have fun…JUST LEAVE ME HERE! YOU'RE SUCH A GREAT FRIEND! I HATE YOU!
Elphaba: Um…
Galinda: I'm sorry…I have PMS….
Elphaba: Oh…
Fiyero: Elphaba! I got you flowers!
Elphaba: Gee, thanks, Fiyero!
Fiyero: And I've been thinking-
Galinda: GASP1 IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!
Fiyero: Well…no wait….I forgot, never mind…
Galinda: I'm changing my name to Glinda!
Elphaba: Um…why?
Glinda: Because! For…um…I don't have a reason ok, I want him to like me!
Elphaba: O…k…Hey. You wanna come with me?
Glinda: EEEEP! Yes!
Scene 9:
Citizens: Oh, hello there!
Elphaba: Dude, this is so cool! No one's staring!
Glinda: uh-huh…yeah…Ok. Hot guy on your left…act…natural…
Elphaba: Um…
Glinda: *mouths* I don't know her…
Elphaba: Yeah…
Guard: THE WIZARD WILL SEE YOU NOW!
Elphaba: So how did you enjoy your only line?
Guard: Go die….
Scene 10:
Big Metal Head: MWUAHAHAHAHHA!
Glinda and Elphaba: Oh…shit…
Big Metal Head: WHO ARE YOU TO INTERRUPT THE WIZARD'S POKER GAME?
Elphaba: um…Elphaba Thropp?
*Big Metal head shuts down*
*Enter Joel Grey*
Joel Grey: Oh, Elphaba! Hello!
Glinda: Joel Grey? You're the Wizard?
Joel Grey: Yeah!
Glinda: *to Elphaba* Oh, he's too adorable!
Elphaba: I know!
Joel Grey: So…Elphaba…Wanna read this neat book for me?
Glinda: HOLY CRAP! THE GRIMMERIE!
Morrible: That's right Glinda!
Elphaba: Um…how did you get here?
Morrible: I WASN'T HERE THE WHOLE TIME!
Elphaba: Yeah…
Joel Grey: Go on! Read!
Elphaba: But….
Joel Grey: Oh wait! Let me get my monkey!
Chistery: *smiles*
Elphaba: Hi there, monkey!
Joel Grey: Make him fly!
Elphaba: Uh…*chants*
Joel Grey: Yes….YESSS! IT'S ALIVE! ALIVE!
*Takes a break to dance to "I'm Alive"*
Joel Grey: Anywho…Thanks! Now if you can make all my monkeys fly, we can take over every single Animal in this country! MWUAHAHAHA!
Elphaba: NO! Joel Grey, how could you be so evil? You're so cute on the outside!
Joel Grey: I'm from Ohio. We ain't cute….
Elphaba: FUCK YOU! *pokes Joel Grey and runs*
Glinda: Elphie! Elphie wait!
*they leave*
Joel Grey: SEND OUT THE GUARDS!
Scene 11:
Elphaba: Ok…gotta hide, gotta hide, gotta think, gotta hide….
Glinda: Elphaba, you need some behavioral therapy!
Elphaba: Aw, shut up…
Glinda: You don't yell 'fuck you' to the Wizard!
Elphaba: *flipps off Glinda* Oh hey look…a random flying broom! I'm gonna fly away…Wanna come?
Glinda: Uh...no thanks…
Elphaba: Ok…
Guards: AHA!
Elphaba: Crap….See ya! Take it away, Kurt!
*Kurt Hummel sings "Defying Gravity"*
Elphaba:MWUAHAHAHA!
A/N: Oh no! What shall happen next? Well, you gotta get through INTERMISSION FIRST!