A/N: A true "what if". Completely un-betad, and English is still not my native tongue, so please be gentle ;).
Posting this to last you over for another week, before I start to post my next long story. I hope you enjoy!
It hurt. It hurt more than she had ever felt before. Like fire and acid licking every inch of her body, inside and out. And her heart—her poor, poor heart—was beating like never before, sending the flames through her body. She could hear sounds, people talking, but she didn't know the voices. The voices were beautiful and managed to distract her from the pain a bit, but she couldn't make out the words. Then, suddenly, the fire started to withdraw from her hands, from her feet, moving up through her body, leaving her limbs cool and painless. It all gathered in her heart, and the pain was almost unbearable. She didn't understand what was happening. She opened her mouth and screamed, and as she did her heart took off, one last time, and then everything was silent.
She opened her eyes carefully, not knowing what she would see. Light danced on a ceiling, orbs of dust moved through the air like small planets, and she realized she could hear people breathing.
"Bella?"
The soft voice was musical and wonderful and male, but she didn't know whom he was talking to. She blinked once and turned her head. The most beautiful young man she had ever seen looked at her with anxious, golden eyes. His bronze hair was unruly and his face was pale and perfect. It was almost as if he radiated light himself—maybe she was looking at an angel. Maybe she had died? He tilted his head to one side and took her hand in both of his. The sensations rushed through her and she processed it all in far less than a second. His hands were soft and warm, and it seemed as if it was the most natural thing in the world for him to do. She felt the panic grow in her chest. She had no idea of who he was, where she was, or why.
Without thinking she was suddenly standing across the room, back against the wall, eyes wide and scared. Her hand flew to her throat as pain raked through her again—a different pain this time—and to her own astonishment a growl slipped through her lips. The young man looked both shocked and pained, and she realized that he was not alone in the room. Four other people stood to the side, all pale and beautiful as the young man, two men and two women. The women both smiled at her while the two men were in front of the women, slightly crouched. She immediately took a step away from them, keeping her back at the wall. To her own amazement her mind calculated escape routes, telling her that the windows were her best option. She tensed and crouched down without thinking.
"Bella, love," the young man said. "There is nothing to be afraid of. Please. Calm down."
She stared at him. Bella? Was that her name? She let it run through her head, but she didn't recognize it. She swallowed, her throat was parched and she was so thirsty.
"Who are you?" she whispered. "Where am I?" She could see all five strangers freeze, not moving a muscle. Her own voice sounded a bit like the young mans—musical and soft.
The smallest woman was the first to move again. She clasped her hand over her mouth and gasped. "Oh no," she whispered.
The young man looked at the small woman and his eyes widened. The pain on his face became even more pronounced and Bella suddenly felt a small urge to comfort him. Was she causing this? Was he sad for her? He needn't be.
The blond man in the group of four straightened up and looked at the two others. "What is it, Alice? What did you see?"
The slight female—who was as beautiful as a fairy—started to sob, strange, tearless sobs, and the other woman immediately hugged her. The young man straightened up and looked back at her again. There was still pain in his features, in his eyes, but he seemed to try to overcome it.
"What do you remember, Bella?"
That name again. She tried to think back, but there was just the pain and then she had woken up here. She shook her head as her mind raced away with her, and she regained control. She relaxed slightly and straightened up. "Bella? Is that me? Is that my name?" she asked in a low voice.
"Yes. Your name is Isabella Marie Swan. Bella. Don't you remember anything? Of us meeting? The accident?"
She shook her head. She turned the name around in her head, still nothing. "Bella," she said to try it out. It didn't sound too bad; she could maybe see herself as a Bella.
The tall blond man stepped closer to her with his hands up, showing he meant her no harm. She took a minute step away from him, but she wasn't afraid of him.
"Bella, my name is Carlisle, and this is Edward. You don't remember him?"
Bella shook her head again, looking at the young man who was apparently named Edward. Carlisle turned to Edward. "And you can't read her?"
Edward silently shook his head, not letting go of Bella's eyes.
Carlisle turned his gaze back to Bella. "Bella, do you know where you are?"
She tore her eyes from Edward and shook her head.
"Alright, lets see then. Do you know what country you are in?"
"United States," Bella answered without hesitation, surprising herself.
Carlisle nodded. "And where in the US do you think you are?"
Bella frowned and searched her mind. "I don't know."
"You are in Forks, Washington," Carlisle stated, waiting for her reaction.
"Forks? What kind of a name is that? I've never heard of it."
Carlisle sighed and crossed his hands over his chest. "Can you tell me the planets of this solar system?"
Bella answered quickly and yet again without hesitation.
Carlisle nodded again. "Where were you born? What's your mother's name?"
Again Bella only shook her head.
"I see what's happened," Carlisle said. "Something has triggered this, it's a selective amnesia. Alice, what did you see? It's important."
Alice raised her head from the other woman's shoulder. "I saw Bella and … Jasper. Together. They are mates." Her words were quiet but everything fell silent. No one moved.
Bella didn't understand anything. Why couldn't she remember? And why was she so thirsty? She cleared her throat. "What is going on? And could I have some water please? I'm very thirsty."
They all looked at each other, exchanging glances, but it was Alice who took a step forward. Her face was heart-breakingly beautiful even when she was sad.
"Water wont help, Bella. You are one of us now. I know what it's like to wake up from the change and not remember. To not know what's happening." She stepped even closer but Bella felt no threat from her and didn't move.
"First things first. You are a vampire. You need blood."
Bella's world swayed and tilted as the words sunk in. One part of her brain processed it and dismissed it as foolish and impossible. The other part took notes of how fast she could move, how much she could see now, and smell, and hear.
"I know it's hard to grasp," Alice continued. "But it's true. Look at yourself."
And Bella did. She looked down at her hands, perfect and pale, she looked at her hair that had a beautiful shine to it and was smooth as silk, and she looked at her legs that she could see below the hem of her dress. They were also perfect and white, without any marks. But she had nothing to compare it to. She didn't know what she had looked like before the pain. Alice gently took her hand. Bella flinched at the touch, but Alice didn't let her go. She dragged her across the room, passing the large bed where she had woken up, and stood her in front of a full height mirror. Bella stared at the reflection. Was this her? The beautiful young woman gently touched her own face. Her eyes were wide and bewildered—and a deep, clear red. Bella took a step back, but walked straight into Alice's arm.
"This is you now, Bella. You were bitten three days ago—on the day you turned eighteen. The pain you remember is from the change. You will never change again, never grow old, and never die."
Bella swallowed hard, her hand clutching her throat again. She didn't know what to believe, it was all so strange. She moved, and the pale blue dress fluttered around her legs. She registered that it was pretty and reaching just to her knees. It was a quite loose fit. It was as if her brain was capable of processing everything at once: the strangeness, her loss of memory, and her dress. She shook her head disbelieving. Then another thought hit her.
"Blood?" Her voice was pained and sad.
"It's not as bad as it sounds. We, the Cullens, have chosen not to drink from humans. We drink from animals. It's just like eating a steak." Alice gave Bella a small smile and Bella let out a sigh. She felt relieved.
Alice gently patted her arm. "Right now you are very thirsty, because you just woke up. Let's go hunt, and I will tell you everything after that."
Bella looked at herself in the mirror again. Maybe she was a vampire, maybe not, but something made her trust Alice.
Jasper ran. He didn't know where and he had no clear recollection of how long he had been running. He just knew he had to get away, and far. The land he raced through was empty and desolate, no humans in sight. It was a clear and cold night but no moon, only stars to guide him and to tell him where he was going. His head was a jumble of thoughts and he could make no sense of them. The only constant was Bella's eyes as she looked at him when he attacked her. There was no fear in those eyes, only understanding and comfort.
He didn't understand.
No, that was wrong, he didn't want to understand. The truth was terrifying and full of grief, but he didn't know why any longer. He kept on running, the wind in his hair and Bella's eyes before him.
Suddenly he came to a halt as his thoughts finally caught up with him. He needed to know, he needed to think. He took up his cell that had buzzed a number of times and saw the number of voicemails. He listened to them—it was his family begging for him to come back home. Alice had called the most, of course, and for some reason he felt a stab in his chest as he thought about her. Images of her flashed before his eyes, momentarily pushing Bella's eyes aside. Alice when they first met, Alice laughing, Alice singing, Alice making love to him …
A shudder went through his body as other memories crashed through his mind. The birthday party. Everything had been going fine, even though they all were black-eyed from thirst. They were going hunting right after and there was still no danger, they were all so used to her being around. Bella had smelled good to him as she always did, but it had only been a small amount worse than usual. He could handle it. Or, he would've handled it if she hadn't cut herself. He had reacted on instinct, even before he fully registered that she was bleeding. The bloodlust that crashed into him from everyone else made him fear for the girl and he had launched himself at her, part to protect her and part to make sure that he got to the blood first. He wasn't sure which feeling had been strongest at that moment, but it had all changed as soon as he had her in his arms. He had been crouching over her, holding her tight and smelling the tiny drop of blood on her finger. It was the sweetest scent he had ever smelled, it called to him like nothing else ever had. Her large, beautiful eyes had looked into his without fear. Before he could think he had sunk his teeth into her neck, but not to drain her, no—but to change her. His inner beast had realized that she was vulnerable, fragile, and human. And so he had acted to protect her, as any vampire would protect their mate.
Jasper fell down on all four, pain raging through his body as Alice and Bella collided in his mind. The woman he loved against the woman he knew he couldn't live without. There would be no victory for anyone.
After a while he was aware that the sun started to rise and he got to his feet. He was in the mountains somewhere, but he had no idea of exactly where. He started to climb higher up to get a better view from above. He came across a maintained trail and frowned, this looked like a hiker's trail. He took out his cell again and tapped the map. He got a reading and knew where he was. Fortunately, he was still far from human civilization. He closed his eyes in agony as he vaguely remembered feeding on the way—some poor human man he had just happened upon and that he had drained so fast he had barely stopped running. As it were he didn't remember where it had happened, only that it wasn't too long after he had left the house. It had been a pure survival instinct on his part, but he felt very bad about it. He shook his head to get himself out of the sadness and decided to take advantage of the trail while he tried to sort through his thoughts.
Alice had told Bella everything she knew about her—the name of her parents, where she was born, where she grew up, why she had come to Forks—but Bella still couldn't remember any of it. Carlisle pondered that it might be a defense mechanism. She was protecting her mind against what had happened, and the hurt that followed with it. Bella still had a hard time to wrap her head around being a vampire, but an even harder time to accept the mating phenomenon. She felt so sad for Edward. His eyes lingered on her, but she couldn't feel anything or react to him because she didn't know him. She didn't remember loving him.
Parts of the first day she felt fine. She was accepting what was happening. Sometimes she would panic and try to flee. Emmett or Edward was always there to stop her though, and she was grateful that they did. She knew she was in no state to care for herself—she needed their help. It was just that the panic came on so strong. She had free reign of the Cullen's house and she did some exploring to distract herself. She found a photo of the whole family and she studied it closely. She recognized Esme and Carlisle at once, together with Edward, Emmett and Alice. But there was a tall blonde woman and an even taller blond man that she hadn't met. The man especially caught her eye—there was something about him. She couldn't explain it, but she was drawn to him. Esme told her that the woman was Rosalie, Emmett's mate, and that she was currently trying to hunt Jasper down and bring him home. Jasper was the blond man in the picture, the man that Alice was married to and the man that was Bella's mate.
Bella had been severely panicked when Esme had explained to her what Alice had seen in her vision, and she had been overcome with guilt. She knew all the sadness in the others eyes was because of her, and she didn't know how to fix it. Emmett and Carlisle had been forced to hold her down while the panic attack slowly faded and she calmed down. As it were she just tried to avoid Alice and Edward, but it was hard with Alice. She didn't want to leave Bella alone, explaining to her that it wasn't her fault, that there was no controlling the mating. It just happened. Edward had mostly lingered out of sight after they had come back from Bella's first hunt, so it was easier to avoid him.
At sunrise on Bella's second day after her change the family were gathered in the living room. Esme was reading a book, Emmett played some video game, and Alice was combing Bella's hair. Carlisle was up in his study and Bella assumed that Edward was in his room, though she couldn't hear him. Suddenly, there were some strange noises outside. Carlisle flitted down the stairs and opened the front door. Emmett was beside him and Bella could see Edward hover above the staircase. The scent that came in with the fresh morning air made Bella wrinkle her nose.
Carlisle stepped out on the porch and Emmett followed.
None of them could see what was happening outside, but Carlisle spoke to someone.
"Sam, Jake, thank you for coming."
Bella could see that Alice was confused, as was Esme.
"What happened?" Bella heard a very human voice ask. It was coarse if you compared it to the sound of a vampire voice, but it was still pleasant to her ear, dark and vibrating. Carlisle spoke again, with calm and authority.
"You know what happened, it was an accident—"
Another voice interrupted, sounding older than the first but still disembodied. "We know what happened, Carlisle. You did inform the elders, and we are grateful for that. What Jake means is why you asked if we could come?"
Bella could hear Carlisle sigh a little.
"Yes." Carlisle paused. "There is a complication, and I was hoping that you, Jake, might be able to help her."
No one said anything, but Bella could almost feel the surprise coming from outside. She was curious now, as to who the visitors were, and why they should be able to help her. She rose quickly and made her way to the door. Alice and Esme were right behind her.
Outside, in front of the porch and down on the grass, stood two young men. Their skin was copper-colored and shone like silk and they both had short black hair. Both of them had warm, brown eyes. But what really struck Bella was how tall and muscular they were, and how their eyes widened when they saw her. The one that looked younger took a step forward, but instinctively she backed up. She didn't know why, but these two young men triggered her wariness. The younger of the two looked sad as she stepped away from him and turned his eyes to Carlisle.
"I'm sorry, I didn't have time to explain," Carlisle said apologetically. "Bella doesn't remember who she is. In fact, she doesn't remember anything from her life before the change."
"What?" the younger man asked, sounding very surprised. "But I thought … You all remember your life from before, don't you?" Then he turned back to Bella. "Bella, it's me, Jake. You remember me, right? We played together when we were little, our dads are best buddies." He sounded so hopeful, but he was a complete stranger to her. She glanced at Alice with panic in her eyes.
Alice took her hand. "Bella, you and Jake are close, you are friends."
Bella turned her eyes back to the young man that was named Jake. "I'm sorry. I don't know you," she whispered and saw how his face turned into a hurt grimace. Tight-lipped Bella turned and walked back into the house.
Jasper stopped and looked down. In front of him on the narrow wooden bridge stood a pair of shoes with a jacket neatly folded beside them. With trepidation he looked over the railing. Down below, on the floor of the ravine that the bridge spanned, was a body. It was broken and surrounded by blood in pools and splatter. The scent of the blood was old, though, and weak. Jasper swallowed but jumped down. He was not about to desecrate this body, but he wanted to make sure that there was nothing to be done.
He landed gracefully on the uneven surface and could at once tell that the young man was dead. His eyes were open and staring up at nothing, his heart dead and his blood cold. Jasper guessed that he had been laying there for some hours at least. Clutched in one of his hands was a sheath of paper and Jasper bent down to look at it. It was a letter.
"Julia,
I can't live without you.
This way, we will always be together.
I love you.
R."
Jasper rose and felt pain in his own chest, tugging on him, begging him to go back. It was then that he realized he had to. He had no other choice. A mating was not to be ignored—come hell and high water, come grief and sorrow. He had to go back and face Alice and his family and try to set things right. The words from the letter haunted him— "I can't live without you." But first there was another matter to attend to. He checked the coordinates on his map and dialed 911. After the short call he crumbled the cell in his fist and started on his way back. He knew Rosalie was chasing him, and he wanted to catch up to her before they accidentally ran past each other.
Bella stood and looked out through the windows at the back of the house but didn't really see anything. She was lost in her thoughts, still confused and bewildered. She had accepted most of it now, though. She had started to get to know the Cullens again, and for the most part she liked them. But she was devastated by the sorrow she was causing them, and she was contemplating if she should leave. Not right now, she was in no way capable of caring for herself yet, but in a few months maybe? She absently rubbed her hand across her chest, the ache was distracting and constant, but it had been easing up during the day.
A phone rang somewhere and she could hear Alice answer, but she didn't listen to what was said. Just a short while later she could clearly hear two people coming running toward the house and she felt her own body crouch down slightly as she turned toward the door. She didn't know who they were and her newborn instincts took over. Emmett flitted down the stairs and opened the door. Alice disappeared outside, while Emmett suddenly had the tall blonde woman from the photo in his arms. Bella moved a tiny step to the right so she could see outside. Alice was hugging a very tall man, and she was sobbing. The man caressed her hair and held her close. Bella recognized him from the photo. This was Jasper. She felt panic rise within her again and she took an involuntary step backward, the cool glass pressing against her back.
Jasper held Alice close and tried to comfort her, but he knew he wouldn't succeed.
She looked up at him with eyes filled with venom tears. "Jasper, I …"
He put a finger over her sweet lips and kissed her on the forehead. "I know," he whispered with a strained voice. "I'm so sorry." Her emotions were almost more than he could bear.
They stood like that for another minute, before Alice released him and took a small step back. "You have to go to her, Jasper. She needs you."
He sighed deeply and ran a finger down her cheek. "I can never thank you enough, Alice. For everything. I'll never forget you."
She nodded and stepped aside.
Everyone, even Edward, had gathered in the living room now. Bella was still back by the glass wall and had her eyes fixed at the door and the man that came inside. Jasper took a breath and immediately identified her scent. It was heavenly, fresh like a clear brook and soft like a summer's rain. His eyes raked over the rest of his family first—they seemed to be all right—and then he turned to face Bella. She was amazingly beautiful, her long chestnut hair flowing down her back, her skin flawless and shimmering, and her eyes … He lost himself in those eyes.
When he had entered he had picked up on her panic and fear, but now those feeling melted away and were replaced with wonder and curiosity. Then recognition hit her, hard, and her emotions went into turmoil. She gasped and fell to her knees. Jasper was by her side before she even hit the floor and held her in his strong arms as she continued to gasp.
"Oh, no! Edward? Oh my god …" Then she started to sob, clinging to Jasper.
Jasper saw the others stand very still and keep their distance, giving them space. He gently stroked her hair and rubbed her back while he tried to give her some calm and comfort. Finally, her sobs eased up and she straightened up and looked at him. Hesitantly she reached up and touched his cheek.
"I remember now," she whispered. "You tried to protect me." Her face was still sad and he met her eyes without smiling—the pain coming from both Edward and Alice was hard for him to cope with.
Slowly Bella turned her head so she could look at all of them. "Oh, Edward, I'm so sorry," she said with a shaky voice and then clasped her hand over her mouth.
"It's nobody's fault," Edward answered. His voice was even and beautiful, but Jasper could feel how much it took for him to say that. He sent him a silent thank you, and Edward nodded slightly at him.
"Bella?" Jasper said.
His voice was dark and steady and she looked up at him, her eyes wide. She realized she had never really heard his voice before, and she hadn't looked at him either. She saw the scars that were so prominent on his neck, his strong jaw, and his beautiful eyes that were … almost copper-colored?
"Jasper? Your eyes …"
He closed them and held them closed for a while, feeling his own shame fill him. Then he looked at her again. "I know. I made a mistake. I fucked up."
He could hear Esme gasp, but Bella cupped his cheek with her soft hand and looked at him.
"I don't blame you," she said, and her voice made him feel warm inside. "If anyone is to blame it's me. If only I hadn't …"
Jasper could cope with his own shame, but not that his mate was taking the blame for something he had done. He shook his head. "No. Don't try and pin this on yourself. I wont allow it." He rose from the floor where they had been sitting and she rose with him, so graceful that it almost hurt him to watch. He looked over at the others—he needed time alone with his mate. Then he turned his eyes to Bella again.
"Do you need to hunt?"
Her hand flew up to her throat and she blinked, almost surprised.
"You're a newborn, you'll need to hunt a lot in the beginning. Come." He took her hand and led her out the door. She looked back at her family before they both disappeared into the woods.
Jasper didn't let go of her hand until she could clearly smell the scent of prey ahead of them. When she looked at him he smiled at her.
"Go," was all he said, and off she went. She let the scent lead her, as Carlisle had shown her, and soon she could hear a strong heartbeat ahead of her. She located the mountain lion and effortless took to the trees. Silent as a shadow she moved forward, until she could leap on the unsuspecting animal and she sank her teeth into its neck while they tumbled to the forest floor. She drank her fill, and when she looked up she saw Jasper a few paces away, looking at her and smiling. She realized that maybe he would want to dilute the color in his eyes, so she rose from her meal and turned to him.
"Do you want what's left? I'm done for now."
His eyes widened in surprise and he took a step forward. "Are you sharing your kill? You are not a regular newborn, that's for sure."
If she had still been human she would've blushed, as it were she merely averted her eyes and looked down at the stains on her dress. "No, Carlisle says I'm not. He says that I have far more control than is normal." Her voice was barely above a whisper.
Jasper was suddenly right in front of her, cupping her cheek and making her look at him.
"I'd say. I have had my share of newborns to deal with, and no one has ever been this civilized while they hunt."
"I can still get a little freaked sometimes. But do you want it? I thought that maybe you'd want to dilute the red a bit more."
He couldn't help but to smile at her, she was already caring for him. Quickly he bent down, drained what was left, and then he was in front of Bella again. Her scent was amazing, and he felt the need for her grow stronger now that his first concern for her had been taken care of. He cupped her chin and with his thumb he gently rubbed away a small bloodstain from her pale skin.
"You missed a spot," he whispered and then leaned forward and kissed her.
Her hands flew up and around his neck, pulling him down toward her. He lifted her up instead, and she clamped her legs around his slim waist. She growled as she started to kiss him down his neck and he staggered a few steps back in response to the arousal and need she emitted. She ripped his shirt off him and then looked at him again.
"So, this is the mating urge," she said and giggled.
"It is," he answered and buried his face at her neck. His tongue traced a line from her ear and down, and one of his hands found her breast. She moaned and tossed her head back. He gently sat down on his knees, with her on his lap. He carefully stripped her of her dress, marveling at the skin revealed and leaning down to caress her breasts with his mouth.
Bella writhed and moaned under Jasper's touch, he was taking her to heights she didn't even know existed before today. Her need for him was insatiable and when he finally entered her she screamed out her joy and pleasure for the world to hear. A little while later he roared out his release just before he sank his teeth into her neck, claiming her and marking her. She responded in kind, and then gently licked it closed, leaving another scar on his body.
They lay together in silence for some time before she moved so she could look at him.
"What do we do now, Jasper? I mean, I don't think we can stay here. I don't want to cause them any more pain."
He pulled her close and caressed her body, feeling her soft, warm skin and inhaling her scent.
"Neither do I. If you want to, we can go live with Peter and Charlotte for a while. Or we can strike out on our own. I'm a little worried that I wont be able to control you, though."
She raised an eyebrow at him. "Control me?"
He chuckled. "Not like that, Bella. You haven't smelled a human yet, and their blood is very tempting. I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to stop you."
"Oh, you mean like that."
"Yes. Peter and Char are nomads, but they keep a house in northern Montana. It's a really desolate place. I've been visiting them there a few times. Lots of mountains and forests for hunting and hardly a human in sight."
She pondered this for a little while. "Maybe that's for the best. I can't stand the thought of causing Edward and Alice more pain. And for some reason the thought of you and Alice living under the same roof makes me annoyed."
Jasper chuckled again, a dark sound that made Bella's inside shiver in anticipation.
"I understand that. I can't say I'm thrilled at having you and Edward under the same roof either." He pulled her up on his chest.
"I'll call Peter when we get back."
"Do we have to get back now?" she wondered, feeling Jasper's arousal and grinding against it.
"Hell no," he responded and pressed his lips to hers.
Thank you for reading.