Title: Shame
Author: Signs Of Sun
Type: Numb3rs One Shot
Summary: Just another post The Janus List one shot. I figured at this point what's one more, right? It'd take some serious Charlie math to figure out just how many there might be out there. Just kidding! But if you can take one more give it a go! Thanks for reading!
SPOILER ALERT for The Janus List and possible Season 4 opener.
POV: David Sinclair
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Shame
If it's one thing I've learned on this job it's that people lie. They lie out of fear. They lie out of cowardice. They lie for love or out of hate. They lie for money. They lie for whatever will get them what they want. They lie to get out of trouble. And many of them lie more often than not.
I've heard it gets easier the deeper you get.
I wonder if that's what happened to Colby Granger. Did the lies just become easier the longer he did it? Did he do it for money or something else? We haven't found the money trail quite yet. Or anything else he might have gotten out of it for that matter.
Truth is I shouldn't give a damn why he did it.
I shouldn't be the one who is ashamed. Colby should have cornered the market on that. But I am. When Colby was arrested I was a chaotic swirl of emotions. Rage, disappointment, disbelief, and hurt coursed through my veins. I have no idea of even what direction my feet were carrying me in for some long blur of time afterward. Somehow I got from point A to point B without being mentally present for the process out it. Some sort of autopilot I guess.
My partner was a damn traitor. I shouldn't be the one with the shame.
But here I am swallowing back the bile of it.
The moment Colby escaped custody that shame poured heavily over me. Why would I be ashamed because Granger was a coward and fled what he had done? Because deep in my heart relief shot through me when he escaped. Hard to believe huh? Relief. Sure it was followed by anger, scorching crimson colored anger. But that wave of gratefulness came too.
I guess somehow it re-ignited in me the fading embers of hope that there existed a plausible explanation for Colby's words.
Those words I can't free myself from. I'm all tangled up in them.
"Alright. The Chinese bug was in the sofa cushion where I put it two years ago. I pulled it when David was in the kitchen."
Those words in my partner's voice chant inside my head, torturing me with each syllable.
Up until that moment I clung to hope that it was all a mistake or could be thoroughly explained away beyond a shadow of a doubt. I was expecting either that or at least a really good lie. I got neither and with those words Colby let me down. It sent me plunging off a cliff. One minute there was solid ground under my feet and the next cold empty air.
"Some old man makes things up and leaves them in a voicemail. Just like that you're going to believe him over me."
Yep, just like that. Traitors don't deserve the benefit of the doubt. So I stormed in there. Like some desperate fool I offered him one more window of opportunity to give a reason, even though it wouldn't make it right. Maybe there was some understandable influence why he went down that road. Maybe that Afghanistan had messed him up. That was possible, right? It wouldn't change that he had lied or what he was, but at least I could wrap my mind around how he had strayed so far from duty and honor.
Instead he admitted it. So it just sat there as a monstrous heartless thing to do. Not some tragic result of human experience I could comprehend.
It would have been less sharp edged this whole thing if he'd just said he was fucked in the head because of what he had seen or been through and that's what he had been hiding from us more than anything.
I wanted to believe there was something, some raw human scar that existed. The alternative was just so unbearable. It didn't even occur to me then that if he did gift me with that kind of story that it wouldn't really be a gift at all. It would mean that he'd been suffering and, traitor or not, that kind mental anguish wasn't something I would want to lower myself to wish upon another human being.
Now he's out there, a fugitive. I am ashamed to confess that I cling on to my relief. I hang on to that thin thread of hope he escaped to chase down the proof that will explain this nightmare away.
So I feel the relief that maybe there's a chance Colby didn't stray as far from that path of duty and honor as it seems. I know it's a long shot, but I just can't let it go. I'm not ready yet.
I curse the shame that haunts me for that thought. Pathetic, isn't? That I'm the one who is ashamed.
And blanketing all that is a thick cloud of terror. Because if that ember of hope turns out to be true, that there is a way to clear his name, that means that…
my partner is out there, solo and hunted.
And running out of time.
The End