Noiz stared intently at the computer, his fingers flying across the keys. a beep sounded and the words "access granted" flashed across the screen. noiz leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes, a triumphant grin in his face. it had taken him three days, of no sleep and very little eating, but he was finally finished. this would be his legacy.
"heeyy aoba," clear said, glancing at his boyfriend who was sprawled out on the couch with his headphones on.
"hmm?" aoba looked at clear expectantly.
"ok so remember when I was telling you about how every robot like me that toue made is controlled by the same mainframe and..." he trailed off as he realized aoba was still absorbed in his music. "AOBA!" clear yelled and aoba jumped.
"what!? jeez I'm listening." he took his headphones off.
"aoba this is really important, an I don't know how I'm going to be able to tell you this but... well..."
"ok clear seriously, just tell me."
"um..." clear started picking at a loose thread of the couch. "I think... I'm pregnant."
"WHAT?!" aoba sat up and grabbed clear by the shoulders. "YOU'RE PREGNANT?! HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE? IS IT MINE? OH GOD IM GONNA BE A DAD I CAN'T BE A DAD- wait a minute I can't be the dad I'm a bottom. HOLD ON A MINUTE IS THERE SOMEONE ELSE?! oh my god-"
"aoba. it's not yours. Toue programmed me and the other robots so they could reproduce. all he had to do was punch in some code and bam."
"but... how are you still even in the computer records, I mean you were gone for so long..." aoba trailed off.
"I don't know. I think someone may have hacked the mainframe."
aoba slowly breathed out putting his head in his hands.
"ok, so how long do we have until you give birth to a mini clear? a few months? weeks?"
"um... actually more like..." he paused "three hours?"
"three hours okay, I can do three hours- wait. tHREE HOURS?! hoooooooly shit oh my god holy fucking-" he broke off, coughing loudly.
"aoba are you ok? I think you're hyperventilating, do you need some water?"
"no no, I'm good, I'm" he coughed again, "I'm good. it'll be fine. we just need to calm down and figure this mess out."
"I am calm aoba."
"ok fine I need to calm down." he sat back down on the couch next to clear.
"so like... does it come out you butthole or do you do mitosis or something?"
"AOBA!"
"what?! I was just wondering..."
"it comes out my butt" clear said, blushing furiously.
aoba almost laughed but then he though better of it.
"should I call noiz? maybe he'd know what to do, I mean he's good with robots right?"
"don't you think he might be still... a little upset with you? I mean, you dated for a pretty long time.."
"nah, he's cool with it we're bros. I mean he's a little you know..."
clear raised an eyebrow "a little bit of an asshole?"
"yeah."
aoba pulled out his cellphone and dialed noiz's number. it rang once, twice, three times.
"goddamnit noiz!" aoba muttered. on the fourth ring, noiz picked up.
"this had better be worth my time aoba." he sounded like he hasn't slept in the past week.
"it's clear he's- wait don't hang up its important- he's pregnant and- GOD NOIZ THIS ISN'T FUNNY STOP LAUGHING!"
"wow aoba," noiz said "clear finally let you top huh?"
"this isn't funny and you know it you little shitbag." aoba's face was red and he was clenching the phone so hard his knuckles were white. clear was afraid he might break it.
"you know what noiz? fuck you I can't deal with this on my own."
aoba plopped down on the couch, crossing his arms over his chest. "I guess we'll just have to wait."
*about 2.5 hours later...*
"AOBA IT'S COMING, THE BABY'S COMING I CAN FEEL IT"
"OK OK JUST HOLD ON DEEP BREATHS DEEP BREATHS"
"DONT YOU THINK WE SHOULD HAVE CALLED A DOCTOR OR SOMETHING?"
"I tried to call noiz but-"
"NOIZ IS NOT A QUALIFIED MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL YOU IGNORANT ASS CRACK!"
"wow um... ok rude"
"SHUT UP AOBA YOU'RE NOT GIVING BIRTH HERE!"
"alright clear you gotta push, nothing's happening.
"BUT IT HURTS MY BOOTYHOLE!"
aoba looked up at an imaginary camera like he was on the office. "seriously clear, come on"
"IIAAAGHHGGGAAAAA"
"COME ON PUSH!"
"AAAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA"
"I SEE SOMETHING COME ON!"
*fast forward 20 minutes*
"we'll that's just weird. is it supposed to look like that?"
"NO! IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE THAT!"
floating before them was a mustached man in blue overalls, green shirt, and a green hat with a white L on it. he was suspended in the air in a bubble.
"hhheeeelp weeeeeegeeee" it croaked.
"hEEEELLLPPPP WEEEGEEEEEEE!"
aoba and clear backed away, staring at it in horror.
"what do we do?"
"I don't know, it came out of YOUR asshole, how about you tell me!"
" !" the cries were getting louder, aoba covered his ears.
"CLEAR!" aoba shouted over the shrieks, "I THINK WE SHOULD POP IT!"
"WHAT?" clear shouted, putting a hand to his ear.
"I SAID I THINK WE SHOULD POP IT!"
slowly, carefully, aoba made his way toward the screaming man, gritting his teeth at the assault on his eardrums. as soon as aoba touched the bubble, it popped and the god-awful noise stopped.
the man's eyes glowed red "its weegee time"
in that moment aoba realized he had royally fucked up.
weegee shot out a fire burst from its hands, blasting a hole in the wall. it ran out, splitting itself into two weegees kind if like an amoeba.
"Jesus Christ they're multiplying" aoba breathed, eyes wide in shock.
"we helped weegee... but at what cost?" said clear, reaching over to grab aoba's hand.
"wait a second look at this! it's a note, I think it was in the bubble with the weegee!" aoba bent down to pick it up. it was all slimy from the bubble fluid. gross.
he opened it. it read "hope u enjoy being a dad aoba! congrats! -xoxo noiz"
"noiz did this?!" said clear in a shocked voice.
"that jealous little bitch oh my god he just has to ruin everything that's EVER BEEN GOOD IN MY WHOLE LIFE! I SWEAR NEXT TIME I SEE HIM IM GONNA IM GONNA- I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT I'LL DO BUT HE BETTER BE PREPARED BECAUSE THIS IS GONNA COME BACK AND BITE HIM IN THE ASS!"
"I think it already has. look outside, everything is on fire and there are hundreds of the weegees, life as we know it is over. this is it. it's all over. this is the apocalypse, first here and then the rest of Japan, and it's only a matter of time before they take over the world!" clear laid his head on aoba's shoulder. "this is all my fault," he said, a tear rolling down his cheek.
"no. it's noiz's fault. we are going to find him and we are going to save planet earth and destroy all the weegees. every last one of them."
the end