Proactive Facial Butter is a parody that contains the Slayers cast, while relatively in character, reacting to fan-made Mary-Sues, clichés and the occasional fangirls. Slayers by no means belongs to me, but belongs to Hajime Kanzaka and the team that had to do with Slayers. How many chapters this will have is undetermined as of yet.
Proactive Facial Butter
Chapter One
Whispers rumbled and flooded through the tavern once the awe-inspiring, drop-dead gorgeous female walked in. She had long, scintillating black hair accented with phosphorescent silver steaks and orbs of pearl that pierced your soul with sweet sorrow. Her figure was undoubtedly curvaceous and fit; especially the round, plump breasts and the perfectly formed hips. She had delicately pointed ears that totally expressed her heritage of being a dragon and elf hybrid. An eccentric and interesting attribute, however, is that she had a black crescent moon embedded into her forehead.
Serenity was the last of her kind – a hidden tribe of elf and dragon hybrids. She had miraculously survived a slaughter that involved mazoku, but was emotionally scarred and traumatized, for her friends and family members were mercilessly massacred right before her very own exotic eyes. Her soul was broken, tattered and shattered, but she hid it all behind a charming smile. One thing was for certain, she wanted revenge – and she sought out the legendary black mage, Lina Inverse and her companions for help. Surely, they would help her!
Unfortunately for Serenity, while she had captured everyone else's attention, the Slayers were caught up in their own personal affairs concerning lunch and blatantly ignored her.
Lina ferociously battled against Gourry to win back the last piece of lamb; both looking determined to be the ones that would have it drop in their stomachs. Amelia, having learned her lesson in the first seven seconds of the meal once a spoon was hurled in her eye, was conversing with Zelgadis about practicing and researching new Shamanistic magic spells. Lina was too busy with wrestling for food to even contribute any brilliant suggestion.
"GIMME!" Lina roared in a demanding tone, raking her fingers into the lamb meat in attempt to drag the precious delicacy back to her.
"Lina!" Gourry whined and yanked his end of the meat towards him. "That's not fair! You ate all of the roast beef and I'm not letting you take this one! Mark my words!"
The sorceress seethed and gave him a menacing glower, "Oh, that is such a lie! I saw you sneak those damn potatoes off my plate!"
He instinctively protested nervously as if he was caught red-handed, which wasn't far from the truth. "I didn't do it!"
"BULL!"
Zelgadis released an exasperated sigh and pulled his hood over his head, scooting away from the fighting duo. "I don't know them."
"Well… this time?" Amelia smiled nervously and followed Zelgadis' example in moving away from them. "I'm going to have to agree. I think the spoon Miss Lina threw at me left me a bruise…" she rubbed her slightly swollen brow tenderly.
"She's got that effect on people."
"I know," Amelia sighed.
Serenity's soul broke. They… didn't notice her. Everyone else was captivated and mesmerized by her unbeatable beauty, her voluptuous figure, her massive, squishy breasts… they couldn't keep their eyes off her!
But… they… didn't notice her?
They WOULD notice me if that damn little princess and that mentally challenged swordsman weren't so distracting! Serenity reassured herself bitterly and fixed her shredded cloak with peculiar symbols embroidered into the exceedingly rare and soft fabric, making her way towards the table they occupied.
"Excuse me," Serenity spoke up meekly with a lovely smile gracing her unblemished face. "Are you… Lina Inverse?"
Lina was engaged in a Lady in the Tramp scene with Gourry. Though… there was no romantic tension – they gave each other determined glares and chewed and tugged on their ends of the lamb. Lina only eyed the hybrid briefly and released a muffled response that strangely sounded like "Proactive facial butter."
Serenity looked a little startled. "I… beg your pardon?"
"She's busy eating. Don't bother her." Zelgadis remarked curtly and took a sip from his drink, not even bothering to gaze at the woman whom approached them.
"I agree," Amelia giggled nervously and rubbed the back of her head. "She gets a little violent. Is there a way we can help you?"
"We?" Serenity spat and gave Amelia a side glare. "All I need is help from Miss Inverse!"
Amelia blinked and frowned. "I was just asking. There's no need to give me a look like that."
"Tch," Zelgadis snorted and arched an eyebrow, eyeing Serenity. "You obviously won't get through Lina when she's like this. Now you either leave us with the message or leave."
"S-sorry." Serenity forcefully replied in an apologetic tone. "It's just… I'm going through a hard time right now."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the princess remarked sympathetically. Zelgadis didn't say a word, mostly because he didn't give a damn.
"May I sit down?"
Amelia blinked, biting her lip but forced a smile. There's something that really irked her about Serenity… but, her father always taught her to never judge a book by it's cover, right? Nevermind if she had freakish appearing eyes. She nodded. "Sure! Go ahead!"
"Who's that?" Lina blinked and looked over at Serenity quizzically. The spontaneous appearance of a new person irked her a little, and distracted her to the point where Gourry snatched the piece of lamb right under her nose and ravenously stuffed it into his mouth.
"My name's Serenity!" She clasped her hands together eagerly, "And I've traveled far and wide, seeking for your help!"
Lina arched an eyebrow, still not noticing that her meat was stolen. "Oh. You do realize I don't help for free, right?"
Serenity blinked. "Huh?"
"I. Do. Not. Help. For. Free. Do you want me to spell it out for you?"
"No."
"Good. Now, if you excuse me…" she turned back to her plate, cracking her knuckles and ready to devour the lamb that was SUPPOSED to be in front of her, but she came face to face with a completely empty plate and Gourry chewing loudly on something right across from her.
"That was really good lamb…" the swordsman sighed contentedly and patted his tummy.
"YOU ATE MY LAMB!"
"… to care is to share?"
"You sure as hell didn't share anything with me! C'MERE!"
Serenity watched the quarreling two in annoyance. "Is he always this annoying?"
"Who, Mister Gourry?" Amelia blinked.
"Whatever his name is. Femmy-boy."
Zelgadis rolled his eyes, already getting fed up with her attitude. "He's not, but these fighting sequences are."
"Could've fooled me."
"If you don't like it, leave."
Amelia dabbed her pointer fingers together, looking between Zelgadis and Serenity. Mister Zelgadis really doesn't like her…
"Sorry," Serenity smiled sheepishly and removed her cape, revealing her incredibly skimpy leather outfit. Or lack of it. Whichever was more proper. "What's your name?"
"Zelgadis." He was bored by her.
"And I'm Amelia " Amelia chirped up enthusiastically. "It's nice to meet you!"
Serenity forced an insincere smile towards Amelia, for Zelgadis' sake. "Charmed."
"So…" the princess tilted her head to the side, "what problem do you need Miss Lina to help you with?"
"It's… so tragic," Serenity's luminous eyes were tearing up.
Everyone's got a story. This one seems boring, Lina thought apathetically once she settled down from giving Gourry a harsh beat-down and conks on the head with a wooden chair. "You still need to pay me if you want my help, lady."
"Miss Lina!" Amelia yelled out, smacking her forehead. "Make an effort to at least be slightly helpful? Please?"
"Whaaaat?" Lina protested defensively and crossed her arms. "I am being generous. I'm actually offering help!"
Gourry winced and caressed his tender head, "For a price. Learn some compassion."
"Learn to shut up and not eat my food again and maybe I'll follow your advice."
"Stubborn, stubborn…" Gourry just shook his head and picked at his teeth with a toothpick, eyeing Serenity. "How old are you?"
Serenity replied, "Thirteen."
"And your boobs are THAT big?"
WHACK!
Lina whipped out her green slipper and gave Gourry a pleasant strike with it. "What the hell are you doing, looking at some random girl's breasts?"
"GAH! Lina!" He waved his arms in front of him frantically, attempting to scoot away from the hostile and obviously short-tempered sorceress as much as he could. "They just… stick out! And you're eighteen and, well…"
Zelgadis coughed into his hand, attempting to hide the fact that he was flustered from Gourry's sudden outburst. "Anyway…"
"Mister Gourry, learn some tact!"
"I don't think he even knows the MEANING of it." Lina growled.
Gourry gulped. "I'm sorry, okay! I couldn't help it!"
Zelgadis twitched. "Excuse me…"
"Couldn't help it my dainty ass," Lina threateningly waved her slipper around. "What is it with your fixation with breasts, hmm?"
"I don't have one!"
"Bull."
"Can we PLEASE get back to the subject that does NOT include breasts?" Zelgadis demanded, his voice loud and firm enough to capture their attention. Amelia nodded in agreement.
"Fine," Lina snapped and glared over to Serenity impatiently. "Anyway, spill the beans and get to the point. We don't have all day."
Serenity's lower lip quivered. "W-well… a gang of mazoku came and committed genocide against my tribe!"
"That's horrible!" Amelia gasped, placing her hands over her mouth.
Lina wrinkled her nose. "Uh. Why?"
"Because they wanted me…" her voice softened and she looked onto her lap. "I hold knowledge of a spell no one can use, one that can destroy the world…"
Everyone stiffened in their seat – including Gourry, whom was oblivious about spells most of the time. All he knew was that any spell that could destroy the world was bad, and he first handedly saw what the effects were and what could happen if someone were to cast it.
They all exchanged glances, unable to tell if Serenity was bluffing or not, but a mention of a spell like THAT wasn't something to mess around with. Lina broke the tension. "Eer… what spell is that?"
"The Neon Crystal Imperium Double Giga Slave."
"…………….."
Everyone fell out of their chair.
Serenity gasped dramatically and jumped from her seat, "Mister Zelgadis, are you okay!"
"Neon… crystal… Imperium… double…" Amelia winced as she brought herself off the floor by latching onto the table. "I think my brain broke…"
While everyone else was recovering, Lina didn't hesitate to jolt up, slam her hands onto the table abruptly and was fiercely tempted to cast spells with all fireballs up and blazing on her. "Neon-Crystal-Imperium-Trible-Quadruple-Your-Mom-Whatever-Giga-Slave my ASS!"
"What she said…" Zelgadis tried to pry his wiry hair from the ground. He was stuck. Again. "Damnit."
"W-what do you mean?" Serenity looked taken back.
"What do I mean… what do I mean?" Lina screeched loudly, drawing spectators to the table. "You know EXACTLY what I mean, dumbass! That's complete bullshit!"
Gourry frowned and grasped Lina's arms, pulling her back a little. "Calm down, Lina…"
"NO WAY! She's trying to rip off MY ORIGINAL SPELL! I WON'T STAND FOR THIS!"
"I won't either!" Amelia announced, completely disgusted by the fib. She stood on Zelgadis and pointed up into the heavens. Or ceiling. "In the name of justice, this horrendous lie shall be put to justice!"
"Amelia. Get off."
"Oops. Sorry Mister Zelgadis."
"But Lina! I didn't do anything…!" Serenity wailed. "I would never rip anything off you! You're my idol!"
"Won't rip anything off me, eh?" She sneered. "I sure will to you. Especially your face."
"Now you've done it," Gourry cast a disappointed glare over at Serenity. "Now you've got her all fired up and ready to attack and will even beat us up to get to you!"
"But… it's the truth!" Serenity cried, "The mazoku didn't want me around because of it. Our tribe of dragon and elf hybrids were extremely powerful…"
"Dragon… and elf hybrids?" Zelgadis finally stood up after he yanked his hair out from the wooden floor tiles with Amelia's help. "Next thing you know, there will be gerbils mixed with trolls."
Serenity perked up. "That's my cousin."
Zelgadis stared.
Gourry gulped and encircled his arms around Lina, pinning her arms against her and dragged her out of the tavern while she was kicking and screaming wildly. "Let's go somewhere where we won't have to pay for repairs!"
"Why don't any of you believe me!" Serenity went after them, grabbing onto Zel's arm.
"Because no such vile spell exists!" Amelia gave Serenity a righteous glare, twitching when she grabbed the chimera's arm. "We don't associate with anyone who's dishonest!"
"Except Xelloss." Zelgadis snorted and yanked his arm away from her grasp. "Let go."
Gourry continued to keep Lina trapped in his arms, gazing over his shoulder. "Okay, let's say you can supposedly cast… a big, weird spell that makes everything go boom like Lina's. Why would you need our help?"
"What would you know!" Serenity glared. "You're too stupid! I bet you don't know what two plus two is, eeeh! Ehh?"
"Um. You just stepped in a pile of crap."
Serenity blinked and looked down, almost releasing a scream. "Ick."
"LET ME GO, DAMNIT!" Lina was still savagely kicking around, continuously screaming profanities and curses. "I'LL TAKE HER DOWN!"
Serenity wibbled. "Fine. Do you guys want the truth?"
"Yes, we do!" Amelia declared. "Honesty is the best policy!" Zelgadis sighed.
"Fine!" Serenity sighed deeply and straightened herself, turning to face Zelgadis. She looked deep into his teal pools of sadness, her cat-like oculars of innocence piercing his own tortured soul. "Zelgadis."
"Eh?"
"I am your fiancée that you were supposed to wed all those years ago, but you just ventured off on your own to become stronger and forgot all about me, leaving me pregnant with your child!"
"…."
This time, it wasn't Lina doing the attack. Actually, she stopped squirming and kicking once Serenity made her statement, and she and Gourry exchanged confused and baffled looks. Amelia, on the other hand…
"VISFARANK!"