A/N: This is my first Star Wars story. I hope you like it.
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars.
A long, long time ago in a galaxy far away…
The young padawan Anakin Skywalker stalked stealthily through the silent streets of his hometown on Tatooine. Dust circled around his body in small whirlwinds and he silently lifted the hood of his Jedi cloak to shield his face from the evasive earth. His mission was a personal one and even though he knew he could be discharged from the Jedi Academy for leaving without permission or notice, it was a risk he was willing to take. It had been one year since his mother's death and he came now, as a broken soul, to grieve over Shmi's death and pine for the loss of his mother's life and nurturing love.
Turning a corner, he rounded the outskirts of the town. The planet's two suns had long since gone down and a small chorus of echoing snores filled the small town. Taking a few deep breaths as the young Jedi-in-training neared his past inhabitants, he tried desperately to control all emotions that threatened to consume his persona and overwhelm his psyche with vulnerability.
As Anakin strolled along the sloping sand dunes towards the premises he had once known, he suddenly felt his eyes begin to ache and he knew specs of gold were slowly slithering their way through the retina of his eyes. He shook his head slowly, willing himself to not become consumed with emotions that came with memories of the past. He was a Jedi and it was not the Jedi way to let anger and hurt brew inside one's heart, mind, and soul.
Suddenly, Anakin's ears perked as they heard the sound of a light saber being unsheathed. Pursing his lips, he turned to where he had heard the noise originate. There in the dark stood his master, Obi-Wan Kenobi. His master's silhouette was illuminated faintly by the glow of his weapon and Anakin let his feet slide into a battle stance as he removed his own light saber.
"What are you doing here, Master?" His one hand held his glowing light saber as his other rose to remove the hood from his head. "Did you follow me like usual?"
"You should not be here, Anakin," Obi-Wan's voice held a note of concern and a hint of compassion and sympathy for his young padawan, but Anakin paid it no heed.
"You think you know so much," Anakin could feel his voice rising, ancient anger boiling up inside of him as he felt his eyes begin to burn gold again. "But you have no idea the pains I have had to suffer."
"Let go of the past, Anakin," Obi-Wan lowered his weapon slightly as he reached a hand out towards his pupil. "It will only cause you pain and hinder your life's purpose as the Chosen One."
"You don't understand," Anakin looked away for a moment, upset with himself and what he was. He never asked to be The Chosen One and if he had a choice, he would not have wished it upon himself. All the pressure to be the best and let go of everything he loved was turning out to be too much for him to handle and he wanted nothing more than to just run away and live a life of solitude by himself able to feel and think the way he desired.
"I would if you would only let me in. Anakin, you can't do everything by yourself," The young padawan could hear the worry in his master's voice, but he couldn't help but give in to his anger for just a bit longer.
"I don't need you. You wouldn't understand even if I told you. The only person who understands is Chancellor Palpatine. He knows of the battle I constantly have to face because of who the Jedi Council claims I am," Anakin's burning eyes watched as his master's frown deepened, creases forming on his forehead. The young Jedi took a step forwards and Obi-Wan quickly rose his light saber to stop him, his defenses up again.
"I won't let you go, Anakin. I know where you are headed and I know it will only emotionally compromise you further, which could lead to you posing a threat to the civilians of this town. You must let go and come back with me now." His hand reached out again towards Anakin, but the padawan stepped back from his touch.
Anakin rose his saber, ready to fight his way past his master when suddenly there came an ear-splitting noise from across the dunes. Turning his golden hued eyes away from Obi-Wan, the Chosen One looked across the plains to find the source of such a horrific noise. There atop a dune a good distance away from the two stood a cloaked figured. It was hobbling slowly across the sand, it's back hunched as it made its way towards the master and padawan.
The two Jedi watched as the figure neared, finally stopping its journey in front of them. Furrowing his brow, Anakin called out, "Who are you?"
His ears perked as the sound of low cackling was carried on the wind to echo around the premises where they stood. Positioning himself in a defensive stance, he grasped his saber with both hands as the figure reached up to remove the hood from its head. Both men watched as bony fingers plucked at the hood to reveal the creature within.
Anakin's eyes watched as the hood dropped to reveal what looked to be a girl, though the Jedi wasn't sure. The girl's blonde hair was woven messily into two lopsided buns on each side of her head, stray hair flying out in every which direction. The skin on her face was ghostly pale and shimmered menacingly from the glow of both unsheathed sabers. A thick, dark eyebrow occupied the girl's brow and perfectly curved to frame what looked to be one large eyeball. The Cyclops's one eye was crystal blue and her fierce lashes whipped rapidly as she blinked a few times at both men. Traveling downwards, Anakin observed that it appeared she had no nose, but merely two holes that adorned the center of her face. Below the holes lay two slivers for lips, her mouth twisted into a sadistic grin. She licked her lips, the action strangely alike that of a snake's and Anakin shivered profusely.
Suddenly, the creature spoke. "Anakin, my dears, I've been a searching for you!"
The Chosen One pursed his lips, not sure what exactly this thing was talking about you. "Who are you and what do you want, Cyclops?"
"I prefer the term Golem, thank you, and my name is Terra. I come for one purpose and one alone, my dear Anakin-Mannequin," She paused, her hands rising to suddenly thrust the large cloak from her body. "And that is to ahem the Force out of you!"
Anakin felt himself cringe at the sight of her bony, anorexic body clothed merely in a raggedy old loincloth. He felt as if he might puke, but regained his composure as he stood ready to fight. "I must warn you, I am not afraid to fight you."
He watched in horror as the creature's devious smile coiled its way into a crooked grin and she laughed hysterically. "Oh Ani, you're just so silly. You tickle my eye; you tickle my eye A LO'! And I like-a that!"
Anakin tried to act unfazed as he shouted, "Prepare yourself, Cyclops. I won't hold back."
Terra laughed again, her body twisting into a launching stance as she replied, "Anakin-Mannequin I told you that I'm a Golem, not a Cyclops. I guess I'll just have to teach you a lesson through a little ahem!" And with that she lifted her head like a wolf and let out a beastly shriek (AH-HAAAAH!) before hoisting herself towards the young Jedi.
Clamping onto him with all fours like a leech, Terra proceeded to ahem him until all his limbs but his mechanical one fell off. Her ahem was so good that he suddenly burst into flames, his body becoming mangled as the fire consuming him diminished, leaving him deformed and handicapped on the sand. Once Terra was finished with her ahem, she stood and looked upon the contorted man before muttering, "Ah well, it was going to happen to you anyways. Better that it happened during my WONDERFUL ahem, eh Ani-pants?" She winked at him, although it appeared as though she had only blinked because she only had one eye after all, before turning towards Obi-Wan.
"Well, look who it is." Terra shook her hips as she announced, "Obi-Ahem Kenobi. I'mma thinking I'm gonna like your style!" She then lifted a bony finger to her mouth to lick it before placing the finger on her behind and making a sizzling sound to show her attraction to the Jedi Master.
Obi-Wan rose his saber to defend himself and as Terra flung herself towards him. He put up a good fight, but not good enough. Terra's rotten foot stomped on the Jedi's light saber, crushing the contraption as she neared Obi-Wan.
"You're a fighter. Good, that's going to make our ahem all the more AHEMALICIOUS!" And with that she jumped on the Jedi and ahemed the Force right out of his body. Once she was finished, she clapped the dust off of her hands before glancing around the landscape.
A good distance away Padme, Mace Windu, and the Chancellor all came to the Jedi's aid. They had felt a great disturbance in the Force and had been led to Tatooine to help their comrades. Terra grinned, suddenly appearing next to the group in a blink of her eye. Padme looked on to her and cried out, "Where is Anakin?"
Terra glared at her, not liking her bossy attitude one bit. Appearing next to Padme suddenly, she rose a bony hand and slapped the former queen so hard that one of Padme's eyes fell out, her other eye morphing into the middle of her face. Terra grinned evilly before saying, "There, I made you better. You can thank me later!" Then she rose her calloused, fungus infected foot and kicked Padme into the closest sand dune.
"TERRA!" The blonde turned as she heard the screeches of her younger brother, Bouldarian, behind her. He was dashing up to her, his hands on his hips as he ran.
"What do you want, you little Boulda-squirt?" Terra glared at him, annoyed that he would interrupt her perfect little ahem session.
"Boulda-Mom says you have to include me in your ahem game or you're gonna be in trouble!" He smirked, his own little one eye blinking up at his older sister.
Terra stood silent for a moment, considering her options. "FINE!" She suddenly yelled before grasping Bouldarian by the collar of his shirt and hoisting him into Padme who was just recovering from her punt into the sand dune. Bouldarian flew into her chest, not able to control himself as he rapidly began to ahem her. Padme shrieked, keeling over to die as she continued to be ahemed by the young boy.
Terra then turned on Mace and Palpatine, taking her time with each one before moving on. Glancing around, she frowned as she exclaimed, "Where the blarney is that AHEMALICIOUS Yoda?! And I want myself a piece of that HUNKY CHUNKY Chewbacca!" Calling upon a large levitating rock, the blonde leaped on it before taking off to find more creatures to ahem in the galaxy. Bouldarian stayed behind, still aheming the lifeless body of Padme.
"Oh Padme, I love you too," He mumbled in a raspy, annoyingly squeaky voice as he ahemed her braid for the rest of the night.
A/N: Tell me what your lovely eyes think and review! This is a parody, so if you're just going to flame it and tell me how bad it sucks, I already know. So don't waste your breath. But if you do find it as funny as I do let me know. Oh, and don't write me a review saying that this is badly written, because it isn't it. I write very well. This story is just absurd. Ahemehheeh!