A/N: I do not own the Fifty Shades Trilogy.
**This story was inspired by the FF story Becoming Fifty Shades by KoolJack1. It is a beautifully written story from a young Christians POV. This is Ella's story and her last conversation with her son. Some of the quotes are the same as in Chapter 3 of that story, and I thank KoolJack1 for letting me borrow them.**
I hope you enjoy.
Baby, Mommy loves you
"Mommy is sorry Baby. I love you."
Baby, Mommy loves you. Do you love me?"
How did I get like this? I am a good girl, was a good girl. I used to be pretty…long brown hair…green eyes…the 'girl next door'. My parents loved me…I loved me. My dad used to call me his princess, tell me I was smart…beautiful….not like I am now.
I was going to school, college. I wanted to be something.
"I could have taught you so many things Baby….so many things."
How did this happen to me? I was going to school…for music. I wanted to be a music teacher. I can sing. My mom used to tell me that I had a beautiful voice, 'like an angel'. I miss her so much. I wouldn't be here if she was still alive. They would have protected me…protected us…loved us.
"Please Baby, I want to hear your voice at least once."
Why won't you talk Baby? Is it me? Are you scared? Scared of me? I won't hurt you….please don't be scared of me. Tell me you love me. Please baby boy, I need to hear you say you love me.
You don't love me….no one loves me….not even my baby.
"I love you Baby…my Baby…my beautiful boy…talk to me please Christian…let me hear your voice. I bet it's sweet, soft….precious… like you."
You are so precious, so sweet….innocent. Like an angel. You should be safe. I can't keep you safe…I can't protect you …..I can't….
"No Baby, don't cry…come here…don't be scared…he's not here…it's just mommy…let me hold you."
Please let me hold you, let me hug and kiss away your pain. Let me tell you it will be OK. Tell you that you will be happy and safe and loved. Let me hold you one last time Baby. Why won't you love me? No one loves me, not even my baby.
How could he love me? Look at me…I have failed him. I should have loved him more and protected him…but I can't…I don't know how. I can't….how could he love me?
"At least come here Baby, let me give you a kiss."
Please let me kiss you…let me hold you baby and kiss the hurt away, just one time.
"I love you baby boy….I do."
You are my world…my boy…someone to love me….just my baby…no one else's…not his.
"I remember when you were born Baby, I was so happy. My baby boy, someone who wouldn't leave me…someone to love me who wouldn't leave."
I promised you I would give you everything, take care of you, teach you, and love you. I do love you, more than you know.
"Oh Christian, I always thought when I had a baby I'd spoil him with love and a beautiful house and push him on the swings. Read to him, watch him grow up, I'm sorry Baby, so very sorry."
You deserve so much more than me, a mommy who will protect you, not let anyone hurt you. I let him hurt you because I am scared… scared of him being so mad that he leaves us with nothing. I am so scared of being alone with no one, nothing again, no one to help us. And he helps us…he lets us stay, but he hurts you. I don't want you to be scared anymore….I don't want you to hurt Baby. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want you to hurt anymore either. I want the hurt to go away for you.
"No more hurt baby boy…..no more….no more."
I can do this, I will protect you…make you safe…make us safe.
"I promise baby…no more hurt. You will be loved, more than I can love you."
Don't cry baby….it hurts to see you cry….I can't see you cry anymore. I can't cry anymore. No more tears.
"Mommy is OK….no hurt Christian…don't cry for mommy."
I can do this….be strong for once….for him…for my baby. I can do this to give him a chance, to protect him and show him I do love him. Just one more time, it won't hurt….I wont hurt anymore and he won't hurt me or Christian ever again. My baby will be better….better off without me…better with someone strong to protect and love him…not like me.
One more time….one more needle prick.
"Remember Baby how I love you. How I used to read you stories and sing to you and hold you."….before the hurt….before… "Remember how I let you brush my hair, and how I taught you to braid it, remember making me your pretty mommy."
"Remember how I made you a cake for your birthday, a chocolate cake…and how I gave you your car….you have Car and he loves you."
My body feels warm, relaxed, and heavy….it feels good…like I am under a heavy blanket…holding my baby, protecting him. We are safe, no more hurt.
"Good Baby. You play with your car, don't look at me Christian…" Not like this. I don't want you to remember me like this….only remember the good Baby…the cake and Car and singing. Remember pretty mommy with braids in her hair. Remember I love you….more than anything. I am doing this because I love you.
"Take good care of Car."
Goodbye my Baby, my sweet beautiful baby boy. I am so sorry….so sorry Christian….no more hurt Baby…..no more…
"Baby….Mommy loves…"