I hate it, hate it so bad I could see the malice radiated from me everytime I look at my self through mirror. Hate it so much that I even broke my vanity so I couldn't see the way the hate consume me, so I wouldn't stop hating after I realize that I've become so ugly because of it. Hate it. Hate it. HATE IT!
'Look at them' I thought bitterly from my place across the room 'look at them so happy, so oblivious to me, hey why won't you look at me?'
I had gone nearly insane when I first found out about them. Sadness, disappointment, and betrayal had mixed inside my heart. I broke a couple of things. I smiled sourly at that.
What did he see in her that I doesn't have?
What did she do so that he would choose her above me?
What?
What makes her so much better?
What makes her everything that I'm not and could never be?
What makes him love her more than he loves me?
Of course. Why would he look at me? I'm a nobody! And she... Wait, what is she?
What word could describe her? The sweet girl with saccharine smile, angelic voice, eyes as bright and clear as sky, and a warm heart. What adjective would be best suited? Ah yes... Perfect.
I gulped down the drink in front of me and left to do a job.
"Hey are you-" Mira said softly but I cut her off.
"I'm going" I showed her the job sheet and left.
I was already a couple of city away from Magnolia when Gray came up to me.
"Hey, mind if I tag along?" He ask out of formality seeing as we're already well on the train to the city. Wait, what city it was again?
"Are you here because master think that I would go and get half dead again Gray?" I ask bitterly.
That had happened, the first job I did after I found out about them. I need to get away from the guild, so I went to a far away city and pick the most dangerous job. I had been so distracted that I almost got killed. Well at least that what I told master, he didn't buy it though. He's right, it wasn't because of that. I hadn't 'accidentally' slipped fron the cliff after I'm done, but I was saved by Gray who tailed me. Unfortunately.
"No" he replied curtly and take a seat next to me "I'm here because I'm worried about you"
"Worried about someone who are stupid enough to try to suicide, and failing?" I laughed sarcastically at the memory, Gray cringed at my words obviously uncomfortable but I couldn't care less at the moment "worried about someone who, in a fit of unreasonable rage, had broke her dishes, and yelled at you like some crazy bitch?"
"No, I'm worried about one of my best friend who recently just got heartbroken by the fact that the love of her life had found someone else" his words make me look up and found him staring at me with serious expression, his gaze stunned me because it was desperate and vulnerable, Gray Fullbuster never wore his heart on his sleeve but he laid bare full of emotions right now (quite literally bare) "and also the person who stood by my side in my darkest time yet I did nothing in hers, I want to make amend to her, for failing to be there" his gaze fall to the floor as he leaned back, shoulder a little slumped, putting back his discarded shirt and pants after he noticed.
"Even after what I did?" I ask softly "after I throw things at you until you bleed and bruised and then with no regret whatsoever, I cried myself to sleep while hugging you who was still untended? You want to make amend for my suicide attempt?" Tears started to gather in my eyes again, remembering the event. Weird. I thought that I had become numb from the pain, but here I am crying again.
"You know that it was either you throw it at me and then crying in regret or you throw it at the floor and then cut yourself with it" he sighed tiredly while tracing the scar from Galuna Island "how long until our stop?"
"A couple of hours, I believe" I answered as I look outside "we're supposed to arrive a little late at night, and since it's winter but it's still kinds bright I assume we still have 6-7 hours, why?"
"So I've still got 6-7 hours to confront you and snap you out of it" he glared at me "it hurts seeing you like this, for me, Erza, Levy, everyone" he stated "even them"
At the mention I flinched, and look at him pleadingly. Anything but that! Please! I can't stand it. If he talks now... Everything will go downhill...
No! I had spent months trying to keep my hate, growing them even. If he talks now... I will realize the truth. The truth that hurts more than this.
I sent him my most pleading gaze, but he knows. He know that deep down I know that it wasn't their fault.
It wasn't their fault I keep hoping for him to look at me even though I know it will never happen. It wasn't their fault that I was too stupid to realize that holding on is futile, that hoping is a waste of time. It wasn't their fault.
"It hurt less like this, this is easier for me" I begged.
Gray just shook his head and look at me softly "no it's not and you know it, tell me why you refuse to move on Luce"
"No I-"
"No, let me rephrase that" he cut me off "why do you refuse to acknowledge that you had move on, had been for a while"
"Gray please" I clutched my ears in vain attempt to blocked out the words.
"No Luce, admit it" he gave me an almost pleading "you had moved on from Natsu, and you feel nothing but platonic feelings for him"
"No please Gray!" I clutched my head, shaking it so the thought would go away. It failed obviously.
"Admit it Luce, and tell me the reason" he cradle my face, forcing me to look up. I clawed at his hand, trying to make him let go.
I sobbed silently before answering him "my father"
"What about him?" He finally let go of my face after he was sure I won't run away.
"Back then, I give up on him" he seems to catch on what I mean "but then he turns back and loved me and there's nothing I can do to make sure he knows that I loves him, what if Natsu suddenly loves me but I had moved on?"
He look at me incredulously "Luce, don't be mad but that's really ridiculous" I glared at him "not about him loving you but about you moving on, I mean, so what? It wouldn't change the fact that Natsu and you are best friends, Natsu wouldn't just avoid you because you don't return his feelings, your friendship isn't that shallow" he look at me pointedly.
I felt like I had been slapped in the face. Suddenly I realized that he had been right in every logic that can be applied to Natsu. Friends before anything else. How the hell I forgot about that?
"Gray... How do you cope with it?" He look at me eyebrow furrowed "how do you cope with the fact that the person you like is in love with someone else" I look at him helplessly, I'm hurting him I know but I just need to know.
"Which one are you talking about?" He mumbled awkwardly after being silent for something close to eternity.
"Both" I whispered cautiously.
"About Juvia, I know from the start that her feelings was closer to adoration, I never expect anything much about relationship with her, so when I started to like her I managed to stop myself" he explained "and about the second..." He trailed off, trying to look anywhere but me "Well I tried to stop really, but when Lisanna came back I just know that I had a chance and I can't stop myself from falling, sorry" his face is flushed and he look at me guiltily.
"It's okay, I'm also hurting you" I leaned back and trying to get some sleep.
"And Lucy, about your dad..." he hesitate for a while "I'm sure that he knows that you love him no matter what, so you don't have to feel guilty"
I look at him gratefully and nod, not trusting my voice.
We step in to an inn near the client's home. It was small but it radiated a homey feeling. We were greeted by the owner of the inn, a beautiful woman at her forties.
"My are you two here for honeymoon? You look so adorable together" the inn lady gushed when we asked for a room.
"Oh no we're-" Gray and I try to explain.
"Oh by the way couple get a discount since we're nearing valentine's day" she said "oh wait, you're not a couple? Well then..." She look down.
I contemplated for a bit "what we meant is we're not on a honeymoon, but we'd love to come here when we're on honeymoon, right?" I gripped Gray's arm, giving him looks that said 'sorry, go along with it'
"Y-yeah definitely!" He awkwardly said.
"Oh! Okay then, pardon me sweetie" she giggled lightly "you remind me of my younger days with my husband so I got a little too excited"
"How did you and your husband meet?" I asked conversationally.
"He was my best friend, he was someone I can rely about everything, even stories about my heartbreaks" her smile was so serene "he was in love with me, at first I didn't notice because I was too caught up with being in love with somebody else, but then I started to fall in love with him when I realize that he was the one who always there for me no matter what, he once come to my house when it was raining hard just because I told him that I was scared and need a friend" she sighed dreamily "fifteen years of marriage and I still blushed like a teenage girl when I look at him"
My breath hitched and I feel Gray tense a bit. It was eerily just like me and Gray. He, who likes me, and I, who fall for another. He, who always be there, and I, who never realized until it slap me in the face. He, who would move the world to stop my tears, and I, who helplessly lean on him without caring that I had hurt him more than I had been hurted. Is she a psychic or something? There shouldn't be so much in common for two love stories, should it? Well mine was not exactly love story... Was it?
I glanced at Gray from the corner of my eyes. I'm not in love with Gray... am I? No. I couldn't be... shouldn't be, if I fall in love now it'll be no more than an escape plan from Natsu, I can't fall in love with anyone until I got closure for Natsu, especially not Gray. He was one of my best friend, if I make him my escape plan I'll just hurt him more than I already did.
"Here you go darlings, have fun" she handed our room key with two tickets "consider it my present for being such a cute couple for you two"
"You don't have to!" Gray tried to refuse but the ticket sparked an idea.
"No, but I want to! Besides your girlfriend seems to be interested" she winked at me, shoving the tickets to Gray's hand.
"Luce?" He stares at me doubtfully "you want to go?"
"Well yes but can I have both?" I clutched the edge of his shirt.
"What for?" He look at me questioningly.
"To end everything properly, and beside, I never really gave them a congratulation" understanding flashed in his eyes and he smiled at me.
"Do what you think is right Bunny Queen, you're the brain of the team after all" he ruffled my hair and give me the ticket while walking away.
1... 2... 3...
"GRAY FULLBUSTER DID YOU JUST CALLED ME BY GAJEEL AND BICKSLOW'S NICKNAME?!" I yelled in anger as I chase the laughing exhibitionist.
None POV
"Ah what an energetic young love" the woman smiled to herself "I hope she quickly realize how far gone she was for him, then again he also had fallen hard"
Lucy's POV
"Gray I think Natsu's motion sickness is contagious" I look at the topless Gray "Gray your clothes" I managed to tell him before he stripped his pants.
"Oh shit" he quickly put back his top "so why did you think that ash for brain's motion sickness is contagious?" (fortunately not topless) Gray ask me.
"I feel so sick right now, my stomach is churning" I replied sulkily.
"Are you sure it's not because you were scared to confront Natsu and Lisanna after, oh I don't know, 10 months avoiding them not including the silent treatment which happen for, I don't know, 7 months?" He said sarcastically, giving me a pointed looks.
"Fine it is, but you can't blame me!" His eyebrow rose higher "fine you can blame me, but you don't have to" I puffed my cheeks in annoyance.
"Hey, I'll be there with you Luce, relax"
"And that supposed to make me feel better?" I shot back grumpily.
"Of course Cosplayer Queen" he grinned (not so) innocently, peering at my pouting face.
"I'll 'Lucy's kick' you after we arrive in the station Stripper Lady" I weakly punch him in the arm while he just laughed at my misery.
We have arrived in front of the guild. Loud voices can be heard miles away as usual but I can still hear my loud beating. What would their reaction be? They must have hated me because I had been such awful friend. Wait no Lis and Natsu is not that kind of person. But then again I had been the worst possible friend.
"Luce, everyone will forgive you for being like that, they love you" Gray patted my shoulder "you are the light of fairy tail, you and Lisanna had been friends since she came back, you are Natsu's most precious friend after Happy, you are one of the few people that can calm the raging Titania and even Laxus and Raijinshuu worshipped the ground you walked, you'll be fine"
"That was before I act like a bitch to everyone just because I can't accept the fact that Natsu love Lisanna" I gripped his hand shakily.
Gray sighed in exasperated manner then dragged me to the door and proceed to kick it with full force causing loud bang and it breaking in pieces in the middle of guild hall.
"After you" he gesture me to step in to the suddenly quiet guild.
With every step my guilt got bigger, but I can't runaway because Gray tailed me cautiously, ready to catch me if I run (I know this from experience after 6 failed attempt at running).
I stopped in from of Natsu and Lisanna's table and everyone waited like they were expecting a bomb to explode.
I inhaled deeply and turn to face Natsu "Natsu I used to loved you, this past few months I can't accept the fact that I had moved on in fear that it end up like the things with my dad and I was afraid of changes, but I realised now that it was stupid and childish and irrational and I'm really sorry that I had made you worried" and then I face Lisanna before I lose my courage "Lis I'm sorry that I had failed as a friend, I was so selfish to not congratulate you on your happiest day because of my own idiotic problem, and I'm sorry that I avoided you and that I had screamed like crazed banshee, none of the things I said before was true, you are the most wonderful and kind person and I love you dearly"
Lisanna stand up and hug me tightly "Lucy, you don't have to apologise"
"No I have to, and to make up all of this to both of you, here" I give her the tickets "for your couple time or honeymoon or something, think of it as an apology bribe and my belated congratulation gift, and if Natsu is being stupid you know that you can count on me to kick him to oblivion okay?" I smile sincerely at her for the first time since I realised that I started to move on.
"Lucy you don't have to! You should use this for yourself" her eyes widen and she frantically tried to give it back to me.
"No take it, you deserve a holiday without Natsu trying to fight everything that was breathing and Happy that teased you two, I'll babysit Happy for you two" I hold Happy in my arms for effect.
"I- Thank you Lucy" she smile brightly.
"Lu-chan, you're back to normal again" Levy tackled me.
"That's a splendid thing to do Lucy, even though you and Gray are probably looking forward to it yourselves, but to make amends you give it to Lisanna, oh how sweet of you, truly respectful of you" Erza commented thoughtfully looking a lot like proud mother, behind the bar Mira had stopped from cleaning the dishes in favour of writing in suspiciously plain notebook with calculating look in her eyes.
"What?!" I managed to wheezed from Levy's iron grip, must have got it from Gajeel.
"Lu-chan! How could you not tell me that you and Gray are together?! I told you when Gajeel and I was!" Levy complained, pouting as she squeezed me tighter. Yep definitely from Gajeel. Or Lily. Nope definitely Gajeel, Lily isn't the cuddly kind.
"Finally score a girl Fullbuster? Kinda bad choice though" Cana hollered with teasing laugh, when Laxus shoved her to the floor she just laughed harder "easy now fireflies, keep the shoving in bedroom there's kids watching here" Cana teased the blushing Laxus.
"What do you mean by bad choice?" Gray asked looking interested and mildly annoyed.
"Yeah! Luce is a wonderful person, she let me eat her foods and she wrote interesting stories for me to read when I was bored at her house!" Natsu yelled with a glare at the hysteric card mage.
"Natsu! I told you not to read my manuscript!" The pink haired dragon slayer flew from the impact of my infamous Lucy's kick and landed on Elfman which leads to a loud brawl.
"Cana? What do you meant by bad choice earlier? I know that I'm not as sweet as Lis or as gorgeous as Mira but I don't think that I was a bad choice" I sit down next to the (still laughing) drunkard, she glanced at me and smirk.
"I said exactly what I meant sweet bums" she put aside the empty barrel and leaned closer "he had big chance to suffer if he dated you" Cana snickered like a naughty kid planning a prank.
"I don't understand" I frowned in confusion.
"Okay I'll make it clear to you and Gray kiddo" she stand up in the table and screamed.
Everyone stopped and watch her "thank you for the attention"
She jumped from the table and walk towards the frozen brawl participants and then she pointed an accusing finger.
"Shameless strawberry popsicles! You choose the wrong girl to date! You know why?" Cana put her hands on her hips and glared at Gray.
"Uhh no?" Gray answered unsurely, straightening his posture in an attempt to not look scared because the usually calm card mage is terrifying right now.
"Because if you ever hurt her even a bit I alone can make sure that none, not even the earth mage Jura, could even find your grave for eternity and if you mess with her then you mess with all mage from the strongest guilds in the whole kingdom and no council will ever know a thing about your fate" Cana glared at Gray menacingly, holding the card as if they will slice through Gray's throat with one bad move.
I stood there awkwardly when Erza, Levy, and some other girls walked to Gray and trapped him inside women circle that look at him with predator eyes. Soon the guys like Laxus, Natsu and others joined to scare the shit out of Gray.
"Guys, it's enough, Gray and I was not dating" I found myself saying, waving my hands in futile attempt to calm the masses "we got it from a nice inn lady who thought we are a couple, no big deal" I look pleadingly at the bar hoping to find Mira, she's the one that can calm down this people but instead I only found Master sitting at the counter. I glanced around the room to find Mira in her satan soul form and Erza had requipped her holy hammer. I face palmed myself, of course Mira would be there with the angry mass throwing threats to Gray like a protective mother hen.
Gray look at me like I'm an angel (which is quite apropriate for now) and everyone stared at me questioningly as if telling me to go on.
"Gray tailed me on my mission, and then when we got to the inn, the lady in receptionist tell us that couple get a discount so I ask Gray to pretend that we are dating, then she sort of give it to us put of the blue" I explained cautiously eyeing Erza who still look unconvinced "trust me Erza" I give her my best puppy eyes which probably failed considering that I had a puffy eyes from lack of sleep but in the end she ex-quip the hammer. But Erza still seize Gray up as if debating whether or not I'm lying just to cover for him.
"And how the inn lady believe that Lucy and Gray are a couple? If Juvia was the inn lady, she wouldn't just give discount to all costumer that come in pair, she would ask for proof" piped the water mage from her place, next to her was a lacrima phone with Lyon's face on it who snickered slyly at his junior misery, everyone look at me agreeing with Juvia.
I look at Gray in panic, because the real story would be unbelievable and if I make something up like kissing, Erza would definitely kick Gray's ass. Gray smiled at me reassuringly.
"Why does it matter? All that matter is Lucy is not moping anymore and team Natsu can be complete again, right Lis?" Gray glanced at the white haired girl who in turn wink at us
"Yep! Let's party for Lucy's return of normal weirdness!" Happy cheered loudly cutting Lisanna off.
And then Fairy Tail return to its usual chaos, started by drinking game and more brawling.
"Ne Lushy" Happy nudge me still munching his fish.
"Yes Happy?" I look at the flying blue exceed.
"You owe me a fish for keeping your and Gray's relationship secret!" He giggle from over my head in teasing manner.
"You lllllike him don't you?" Mira and Happy harmonised in rolling their tongue.
I stop myself from strangling the stupid blue creature and the demoness, opting to smack my forehead in exchange.
But you know what, they might be right for once. And Gray being shirtless right now in the brawl definitely made my day better. Thank Mavis Juvia had move on to Lyon.
Author's note
Hello, this is my first fanfic so please leave review so I can improve~