What the Fuck: The Story of Naruto

Chapter 1: plans

"Uhhhhhnnnngggggg…" said Naruto as he arose from his slumber. He was having the most wonderful dream, too. Sasuke was back in the village, and he and Sakura were making out, and he was eating multiple bowls of ramen at the same time! It was the coolest thing ever! But than he remembered what today was. "Yeah! Today's the day our local sex offender (Jiraya) and our local beats-people-to-death-with-her-bare-hands-er (Sakura/Tsunade) plan to free Sasuke from making his own decisions! Yay!"

Naruto was so excited, he didn't even boil his ramen, simply eating the ramen with the Styrofoam cup. After vomiting for a couple of minutes, he left the house. On the way to the Hokage's office, he bumped into Sai, who was also headed there. "Hi Sai!" said Naruto, who was so happy that he didn't even tell Sai that he shoved dead gophers in his nostrils the previous night. "No penis" responded Sai. When the duo reached the Hokage's office, Naruto immediately wanted to begin planning. However, Kakashi hadn't shown up yet.

Two weeks later…

When Kakashi arrived, he found Tsunade beaming for some reason, Naruto shoving dead gophers in Sai's pants while he was asleep, and Sakura watching.

"Yo!" he replied, and was immediately punched by everyone present.

"What the fuck took you so long!?!?!?" said Naruto.

"Funny story…I was on the way here two weeks ago, and I realized that I hadn't memorized the Makeout Paradise series by heart! So I did!"

"Yes, well…" Said Tsunade, clearing her throat, still beaming. "What are you so happy about, Old Lady?" Asked Naruto.

"I was gonna save this for the party, but…Jiraya's dead!"

"Yay!" said Sakura.

"HAH! I knew he'd die first!" said Naruto.

"No Penis!" said Sai.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGODWHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

Said Kakashi.

Everyone turned to look at him.

"With him dead, who will continue to write the Makeout Paradise series!?!?!?!?"

"Who cares! I can finally stop paying mercenaries to shoot anybody who comes near my bathroom!" Said Sakura.

"And I can become a nudist again!" Said Tsunade, who instantly took off her clothes. Although Naruto and Kakashi gaped at her, they didn't immediately knock her out, which Jiraya would have done.

"And I don't have to worry about waking up with him having sex with somebody on top of me! said Naruto.

"No penis!" Said Sai.

"Anyway," said Tsunade, "we have located Sasuke. He is with his brother on top of a huge-ass pyramid."

"You mean the one just outside of town?" Said Naruto, looking out the window. "Hey, I can see them from here. HI SASUKE!"

"Shut up, dope!"

Suddenly, Sai spoke up. "No penis. penis penis No, No small penis. Small penis, tiny penis, no penis."

"Wow , Sai, what an interesting theory involving Itachi cooperating with Maadara Uchiha to learn new jutsu!" Said Kakashi.

"Anyway, here is our battle plan." Said Tsunade. She took out a tube, loaded a tranquilizer dart in it, and fired it at the pyramid out of the window.

Next Chapter: The Fight!!!