Aftermath

I hate shrinks. I hate talking about myself. Contrary to what I may act like.

Gibbs insisted we come back and talk to the shrink. Because of Kate's death.

I guess it's a good idea. For all of us. Supposed to help us deal with it. To move past it.

Like that will ever happen. She was a huge part of our lives. How do you move past something like that?

She was one of my best friends. I loved her. And I never told her that.

Damn! He knows I'm here. I've been called into his office.

Here we go again.

"How are the nightmares since we last met?" the doctor asked.

"Better. I haven't had one in a couple of weeks."

"That's great. How do you feel?"

"Better. Not tired. At least not as tired as before."

"That's good. And how is Charisma?"

"Great. Beautiful as ever. Busy. It's exam time at the university."

"I want to talk about Kate."

Tony sighed. "Ok."

"She died in front of you."

"Her blood was on my face."

"It was sudden."

"Yes. And unexpected."

"It's been a couple of weeks now. How do you think you're coping?"

"I can still feel her blood on my face. Like I'll never get clean."

"Anything else?"

"Charisma and I finally set a date. I picked up the phone to tell Kate. I had dialled her number before I realized what I was doing." Tony paused and took a breath. "It seems weird to see her empty desk across the bullpen from me."

"You miss her."

"Everyday. It's hard. I guess I didn't really realize how much I cared for her until we lost her. Now, she'll never know."

"She knew. Everyone knows when they're loved. It's just something we know, even if we're not told."

"That's comforting."

"It is, isn't it?"

"There's a part of me that hopes Gibbs never fills her desk."

"That's a normal feeling. Filling her desk brings a closure you're not ready for. It's understandable."

"It hurts. Sometimes so much I can't focus on what I'm supposed to. Sometimes it feels like I'm just going through the motions.."

"I wish I could tell you that feeling will disappear tomorrow, but I can't. That would be a lie. I can't lie to you."

"I'm glad for that. And I know it's going to take time to move past everything."

"You're very correct. That's what I'm here for."

Tony smiled slightly. "Sometimes it's almost funny. Yesterday, I swear I heard her voice in my car. Like she was right beside me."

"As crazy as this may sound, that's actually quite normal."

"Crazy, that's funny."

The doctor smiled. "I'm glad you enjoyed that one."

"So what's that diagnosis, doc? Is there a rubber room in my future?"

"No. But there are more sessions. There are a lot of things to work out."

"Ok. So, same time next week?"

"See you then."

Tony nodded as he headed outside. Quietly, he slid into his car.

There, the tears finally fell.

THE END